《摩登家庭》第一季[第一集字幕]

《摩登家庭》第一季[第一集字幕]

《摩登家庭》第一季[第一集字幕]

《摩登家庭》第一季[第一集字幕]

《摩登家庭》第一季[第一集字幕]

《摩登家庭》第一季[第一集字幕]

《摩登家庭》第一季[第一集字幕]

《摩登家庭》第一季[第一集字幕]

《摩登家庭》第一季[第一集字幕]

《摩登家庭》第一季[第一集字幕]

《摩登家庭》第一季[第一集字幕]

《摩登家庭》第一季[第一集字幕]

《摩登家庭》第一季[第一集字幕]

《摩登家庭》第一季[第一集字幕]

第二篇：摩登家庭第一季第九集英文剧本

Jay: Do we know anything?

Mitchell: Oh, no, they’re in there now with the doctor. We’re lucky, though – the paramedics said it could’ve been a lot worse. Jay: My god, how did this even happen?

Phil: There he is! Big day’s coming up. What do you want for your birthday, big god?

Luke: It’s okay; I’m good.

Phil: Come on. The sky’s the limit. Dream big, my boy.

Luke: Well, I guess I could use a belt.

Claire: A belt?

Luke: Yeah, you’re right. I don’t need it. The extension cord works pretty good.

(Commentary)

Phil: Every year, Luke’s birthday falls right around Thanksgiving, and so it gets lost in the holiday shuffle.

Claire: Yeah, one year we forgot completely and we had to improvise a cake of stuffing.

Phil: Which, by the way, he was fine with. He’s one of those kids: you get him a gift and all he want to do is play with the box. Claire: Yeah, one year we actually just… got him a box. A really nice box.

Phil: And we made the mistake of putting it in a gift bag.

Claire: So he played with the gift bag.

Phil: …We can’t get it right.

Claire: No.

(Cut back to scene)

Phil: I feel terrible.

Claire: Oh…

Phil: We’ve got to do something.

Claire: Yeah… Um, well, you know the family is gonna be together for Thanksgiving for the first time in I-don’t-even-know-how-long, so… Phil: I am so with you. We should blow this out and throw Luke the best birthday party of all time.

Claire: Yes! Yes, we’ll order a whole bunch of pizzas and, and then set up an arts and crafts table.

Phil: A what?

Claire: Y-yeah, a crafts table! You know, everybody… gathers around and they make stuff and then bam! They’ve got their own party favour. Phil: (snorts) Sorry, I fell asleep while you were describing the most boring party ever. (gets hit by Claire) Ow!

Cameron: See you in a few hours.

Phil: Yeah. Thanks again karaoke machine. I’ll give it back to you right after the party.

Cameron: That’ll be great.

Mitchell: (whispers to Phil) Please don’t. I beg you. Don’t… don’t bring it back.

Phil: (whispers back) Oh.

Cameron: Hey Phil. Are, uh, you getting a clown for today?

Phil: Oh… no. Luke, uh, Luke’s not much of a clown fan.

Cameron: …Really?

Phil: Yeah, he never liked them.

Cameron: Has he ever seen a good one?

Phil: Has… has anyone? Really, so… thanks again.

Cameron: See you later. (after Phil is gone) No clown? No… no clown?

Mitchell: Let it go.

Cameron: Who throws a party without a clown?

Mitchell: Since the later 30s, I’d say most people.

Cameron: You know what? We haven’t gotten Luke a present yet. Maybe a clown could be our present.

Mitchell: Cameron, Cameron… If Phil and Claire wanted to get Luke a clown, they would have. But this is not our party.

Cameron: But-

Mitchell: This is not. Our. Party.

Cameron: But I ju… fine. What would you suggest we get him then?

Mitchell: Mhhh, get him a gift card.

Cameron: …A gift card?

Mitchell: Yeah.

Cameron: Who hurt you?

Jay: Hey Gloria, you got any idea how to wrap one of these things?

Gloria: Is that a crossbow?

Jay: Yeah. Am I the greatest grandpa in the world or what?

Gloria: We can’t give Luke a crossbow. He pokes himself in the eye everytime he uses a straw.

Jay: Are you kidding? I used to have one when I was his age. My dad used to give me a quarter for every crow I bagged.

Gloria: And I used to have a machete. But times have changed.

Jay: He’ll be fine. I’ll teach him how to use it. (Manny enters) Hey pal. How’s it going?

Manny: Am I charming?

Jay: Oh boy…

Gloria: Of course you’re charming! Who said you were not charming?

Manny: No one. But there is a girl at my school and I want her to like me. I need your advice, Jay.

Jay: Really?

Manny: She’s gonna be at Luke’s party.

Jay: Well, I’m… a little thrown. I mean, you don’t usually come to me for advice.

Manny: Well, this is one area in which you’ve done pretty well.

Gloria: He has a point.

Manny: I’ve tried everything to get her attention: opening doors, having her milk sent over in the cafeteria… but nothing’s worked.

Jay: Here’s the deal: girl’s don’t go for all that romantic stuff. They go for power and success, and sine you don’t have either one of those things, you’re gonna be the funny guy.

Phil: No, no. No, no, no. I want the most dangerous reptile you’ve got.

Tanya: I have an iguana that, uh, eats crickets.

Phil: That would be scary if it was a birthday party for crickets. Seriously. Jungle Tanya, I need you to step it up a notch. Is there anything that scares the coocoo out of you?

Tanya: Um, not really. I do have a bearded dragon.

Phil: Oooh. Does it-

Tanya: No, it does not breathe fire.

Phil: Well then, we’re back to square one, aren’t we?

(Commentary)

Cameron: I couldn’t get Luke out of my mind. I know I made a promise to Mitchell, but… some things are bigger than promises. Fizbo would be at that party. (looks in mirror after applying make-up) Hello, old friend.

Hayley: It all happened so fast.

Jay: I keep thinking there is something I could’ve done.

Mitchell: No, don’t blame yourself. Who could’ve possibly seen that coming?

Claire: Sweety, that’s a rock wall. Is that even safe? Oh my god.

Phil: Honey, relax. (to guy setting up rock wall) Hey, has anyone ever gotten hurt on one of these things?

Guy: I dunno, man. It’s my first day.

Phil: See? They wouldn’t let the new guy do it if it was-

Claire: That did not make me feel better.

Phil: Don’t worry. I signed, like, a hundred releases.

Claire: When did we decide all this? I… I think it’s too much.

Phil: See, I knew you’d say that. That’s why I didn’t tell you, so just relax. Grab a snow cone.

Claire: There’s a snow cone machine?

Phil: Yeah.

Hayley: Mom, just so you know, Dylan can’t have mayonnaise.

Claire: That’s random. Why are you telling me that?

Hayley: Uh, ’cause he’s coming to the party?

Claire; Is that absolutely necessary?

Hayley: W-

Alex: Yes, because she can’t go ten minutes withouut her boyfriend’s tongue in her mouth. It’s like he’s feeding a baby bird.

Hayley: Mhhh, don’t be so jealous. I’m sure you’ll meet someone super-hot at computer camp.

Claire: Girls.

Phil: Hey, hey… (girls leave) So, what’cha got there?

Claire: Oh, these are supplies for the crafts table. I finally figured out what we’re gonna be making.

Phil: Kids bored? Haha, I’m teasing, I’m teasing. It looks good. What is it?

Claire: Comb sheaths. I know, I know… but we made them when I was eleven years old at Donna Rigby’s birthday party. At first we thought it was really stupid, and then we had a blast, so…

Phil: How could you not? You combined the two things that kids love the most: combs and sheaths. (Claire walks off) I’m kidding! (Commentary)

Claire: Where’s my comb? Ah ha, here it is! In my incredibly convenient beaded comb sheath that I made at Luke’s awesome birthday party. Hole in one, Mrs Dunphy. Hole in one.

Mitchell: I’m home! I got Luke a video game, but it’s about math, so… I guess we’re those kind of uncles. Cam?

Cameron: (enters in a clown outfit) Don’t be mad.

Mitchell: Oh… Cam… (sighs)

(Commentary)

Cameron: I’ve known I wanted to be a clown since I found out clowns are just people with make-up. Um, as a matter of fact, by the time I was a teenager, if I wasn’t in school or fishing, I was clowning. There are four types of clowns: a tramp, an Auguste, a whiteface and a character. I am a classically-trained Auguste clown named Fizbo. What?

Mitchell: N-nothing. Between the clowning and the fishing, I’m surprised you had time for the schooling. (looks at Cameron) Ah, and there’s the fifth type: the sad clown.

Cameron: A sad clown is a tramp… so there’s still only four types.

(Cut back to scene)

Mitchell: Cam, I thought we discussed this.

Cameron: We did, but I… I started thinking that this isn’t about you or me. This is about a little boy who deserves some happiness. Mitchell: And he’s gonna get that from his weird, gay clown uncle?

Cameron: Fizbo is not gay; he’s asexual.

Mitchell: Ah…

Cameron: He’s an innocent whose only drive is to bring people joy and laughter and balloon animals. He’s… he’s the least sexual being on earth.

Mitchell: Ah. Oh, okay, well at least we agree on something. Yeah.

Phil: (while taping) If this tape is found in the future, this is how we humans celebrated birthdays.

Luke: (sliding down) Hey dad!

Phil: Yeah, there’s my boy. Zipline, extreme- (gets knocked over by Luke)Oof! I’m okay, I’m good, I’m good. Lesson learned: don’t stand… don’t stand there. Let’s go and rope this area off. Excellent, thank you! Hey buddy. You having fun?

Luke: Yeah! And I love my new belt.

Claire: Hey Luke! Luke, do you wanna make a comb sheath?

Luke: A what?

Claire: It’s a cool leather holder for your comb, and you can decorate it. I’ve got beads and, and all kinds of stuff. Do you want to? Luke: Nah. I’m gonna do rock wall. (walks off)

Claire: Okay honey. It’s your day!

Phil: Honey, let me know if you get low on supplies; I’ll make a quick round back to the 1950s for you. (gets knocked over by girl sliding down) Again?! Seriously! Zipline guys, just… some ropes.

Cameron: Did you remember to switch the lights to the dryer?

Mitchell: Ugh. No, I forgot.

Cameron: They’re gonna smell musty.

Mitchell: I know; I’m sorry. (stops at gas station)

Cameron: I’ll pump.

Mitchell: No. No, I’ll do it. You stay right here. Relax.

Cameron: Oh, I get it. You’re worried about people seeing me.

Mitchell: Without question.

Cameron: You know, people are gonna stare ’cause they’re not used to seeing one clown in a car.

Manny: That’s her. Bianca Douglas.

Gloria: She’s so cute.

Manny: She has good handwriting. She’s the complete package. Wish me luck.

Jay: You don’t need luck. You just remember those jokes I told you.

Manny: (walks up to Bianca) We have to stop meeting like this.

Bianca: What?

Manny: We go to school together.

Bianca: Oh, yeah!

Manny: Do you like jokes?

Bianca: Sure.

Manny: Great. Okay, so a grasshopper named Gary walks into a bar- ugh, no! You’re not supposed to know his name. Let me try another one. Knock knock.

Bianca: Who’s there?

Manny: Interrupting cow.

Bianca: Interrupting cow who?

Manny: Moo. Oh, crap.

Mitchell: (gets bumped by car) Um, hey!

Driver: Hey yourself. Move!

Mitchell: You kinda just bumped me with your car.

Driver: I don’t think so.

Mitchell: No… no, you did because, um, see, yeah, I’ve got grease on my pants, and then also I felt it.

Driver: Call an ambulance.

Mitchell: Okay. I just thought you might wanna know in case you wanna be a decent human being and apologise, but… No? Okay. Ass. Driver: What did you say?

Mitchell: …Just forget about it, alright?

Driver: Listen Carrot Top. I didn’t touch you, so do the smart thing: shut your hole, get in your car an drive away.

Fizbo: Is there a problem here?

Driver: …What the hell are you?

Fizbo: I’m the ass-kicking clown that will twist you like a balloon animal. I will beat your head against this bumper until the airbags deploy, so apologise to my boyfriend right now!

Driver: Apologi… boyfriend?

Fizbo: Apologise!

Driver: Okay! I’m sorry. (Fizbo points to Mitchell) I’m sorry. (walks off)

Fizbo: Let’s go; we’re gonna be late.

Gloria: Mind if I come in?

Manny: Sure.

Gloria: Come here. (Manny sits closer) Why you bounce so sad?

Manny: I told all my jokes. It turns out, I’m not the funny guy.

Gloria: The right girl will find you when it’s time. Even though I’m gonna hate losing you to another woman.

Manny: You’ll never lose me, mom. I’ll always love you no matter what.

Gloria: You see right there. You need no tricks. Just be the sweet, wonderful little boy that you are.

Manny: Sweet little boy. I got it. She won’t know what hit her.

Claire: Hey Manny. Wanna make a comb sheath?

Manny: Now would be the worst time, Claire.

Phil: (walks over) Oh, it’s so peaceful and quiet over here.

Claire: Har har. If you came over here to gloat, I already know it’s dud.

Phil: I actually came to give you this. (give Claire snow cone) It’s your favourite flavour: blue.

Claire: Thanks, honey.

Phil: And your hair looks really nice.

Claire: Mhhh, thanks. I’ve been combing it all day.

Tanya: Alright, let’s all give Luke a big hand for being so brave.

Luke: (with lizard on his head) It feels so weird. What does it eat.

Tanya: Oh, just little boy brains!

Alex: Well, at least Luke’s got nothing to worry about.

Dylan: Is there mayo in this?

Hayley: No, you’re good. So, I was thinking we could go slip away-

Tanya: So, does anyone wanna pet the iguana?

Dylan: Hells yes! (walks to front) Ah, me. I love lizards. What’s his name?

Tanya: Her name is Lizzy.

Dylan: Oh, I totally get that.

Alex: (to Hayley) You don’t deserve this.

Hayley: What?

Alex: Hot reptile chick. You know, probably has her own apartment. Obviously okay touching gross stuff…

Hayley: They’re just talking.

Alex: You’re right. Dylan’s far too sophisticated to get sucked in by a single lady with tons of cool tattoos.

Dylan: Hey, I think it peed on me!

Tanya: Oh, no! (touches Dylan’s arm)

Dylan: No way. I can’t believe it does that.

Jay: (to men gathered around) Hey, what am I missing, guys? Ah geez, Gloria.

Gloria: (jumping up and down) Jay, look! I go high! Look, look!

Jay: Guys, hit the road. Come on, you’re family men. Come on, stat.

Phil: Great job, buddy. Now comes the fun part: repell down.

Luke: It’s really high.

Phil: You have nothing to fear but fear itself… and the concrete. But I’m here, buddy.

Luke: Okay. Just catch me.

(Commentary)

Phil: I am brave. Rollercoasters? Love ‘em. Scary movies? I’ve seen Ghostbusters, like, seven times. I regularly drive through

neighbourhoods that have only recently been gentrified. So yeah, I’m pretty much not afraid of anything…

(Cut back to scene)

Fizbo: (arrives at party) Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey everybody! Quite your clowning around ’cause that’s my job!

(Commentary)

Phil: …except clowns. Never shared that with the fam, so shhh. I do have an image to maintain. I am not sure where the fear comes from. My mother says it’s because when I was a kid, I found a dead clown in the woods, but… who knows?

(Cut back to scene)

Fizbo: Hey- oh! Well, you must be the birthday boy.

Luke: Wow! Is that you, uncle Cam?

Fizbo: Oh, I’m Fizbo the clown! I dunno who this uncle Cam is, but he sounds handsom, doesn’t he? Hey, who like balloon animals? Kids: I do, I do!

Phil: (mumbles) Fiz-Cam. Fiz-Cam.

Mitchell: You alright?

Phil: What? Yeah, I have some kind of a… complicated relationship with clowns.

Mitchell: Oh. Well, join the club.

Manny: Look… I came on strong with that whole funny guy bit. This is me just being myself.

Bianca: Okay. Hey, do you know who that boy is over there?

Manny: Oh, that’s Dylan. He’s Hayley’s boyfriend.

Bianca: He’s so cute and tall.

Manny: I’m still growing. Gimme a break. (walks off)

Fizbo: (enters) Pardon me, miss, but this little doggy needs a new home.

Bianca: Oh, thank you!

Jay: That’s quite an impressive get-up you got there.

Fizbo: Thank you, Jay. Oh, by the way, you have something on your shoulder. (places “Something” rubber toy on Jay’s shoulder) Jay: (laughs) Oh, that’s good.

Fizbo: (places “Nothing” rubber toy on Jay’s shoulder) Never mind; it was nothing.

Jay: We’re done here. (walks off)

Dylan: So… do you keep these in, like, a zoo or something?

Tanya: No, I just keep them at my place.

Dylan: That’s awesome. Only have a cat.

Tanya: Yeah? I used to have a cat.

Alex: I was just messing with you before, but… seriously, he’s still talking to her.

Dylan: (handling a snake) Woah, cool…

Hayley: On it. (walks off)

Dylan: You’re like Britney Spears.

Tanya: Hahaha, you’re so funny! You kinda do look like Britney Spears. I’m just kidding. Um, anyway this is probably my favourite, so- Hayley: Hey, jungle lady. I think… I think one of your bugs got out.

Tanya: What? This one?

Hayley: This box thing here, it’s… it’s on its side.

Tanya: Oh my god, where did it go?

Dylan: Is everything okay?

Tanya: No. I… lost a poisonous scorpion and I need to find it. Okay, kids! Um, let’s all tuck our pants into our socks. Avoid shady, moist places and let’s make a game of looking where we step.

Alex: Is he okay?

Mitchell: Can we see him?

Claire: He’s with the doctor right now. These things happen, right? No matter how careful you are.

Luke: Hey, look what grandpa gave me – a crossbow.

Claire: Sweety, that does not look safe.

Luke: Don’t worry; he’s gonna show me how to use it.

Claire: That’s… what… I’m afraid of.

Mitchell: Oh my god, you are not making comb sheaths.

Claire: I am, and I know it’s really lame. Everybody hates it.

Mitchell: No, it’s just like, uh, Donna Rigby’s party.

Claire: Exactly! Yes, and they have the beads and everything.

Mitchell: Ugh, amazing. This is awesome. (sits)

Claire: So… Cam’s a clown.

Mitchell: …Yeah.

Claire: (Phil runs around with water gun) And there’s mine. Don’t you think it’s weird that we both chose people who are so-

Mitchell: -uninhibited?

Claire: I was gonna say embarrassing, but yeah. Look at them now – they’re the life of the party.

Mitchell: Uh, you know, I gotta say in all his craziness, I love my clown.

Claire: Me too. They’re good for us. I would’ve totally tanked this party.

Mitchell: And I would’ve gotten my butt kicked at a gas station.

Claire: Sorry?

Mitchell: Turns out, Fizbo is a real badass.

Claire: Oooh.

Fizbo: (starts running) Ah, ah! Scorpion! Scorpion! Scorpion! Scorpion!(knocks over crafts table) Ah, ah, ah, ah! (people start running in all directions)

Phil: (sees Fizbo; stumbles) Oh. Oh no, too close… too close… too close…(stumbles into Jay)

Jay: What the hell? (accidentally shoots arrow into jumping castle) Oh crap!

Claire: Calm down. What happened?

Luke: He fired a crossbow.

Claire: No, I know- oh my god!

Manny: Bianca, I’m coming!

(Commentary)

Manny: It turns out, I’m not the sweet guy or the funny guy…

(Cut back to scene)

Gloria: No, Manny, don’t go in!(says something in Spanish)

Manny: I must! (to Bianca) I’m coming!

(Commentary)

Manny: Manny Delgato is a man of action.

(Cut back to scene)

Bianca: Wait, my dog is still in there!

Manny: I’ll be righ back. (retrieves balloon dog from deflating jumping castle)

Luke: (on the ground) Ow. My arm!

Claire: Sweety? Luke?

Phil: What happened buddy?

Claire: What happened? What happened, honey? What happened?

Luke: I slipped on these stupid beads.

Claire: …Oops.

Phil: Come on, here we go. (lifts Luke up)

Gloria: (enters) How is he?

Claire: Oh, he’s gonna be fine.

Gloria: Ah. (says something in Spanish)

Family: Oh, there he is! (Luke enters with Phil)

Luke: Wow, everybody’s here.

Jay: Of course we are! How’s that busted flipper?

Luke: Okay.

Phil: Sorry about today, buddy. We’ll try again next year.

Luke: Are you kidding? This was the best birthday ever.

Claire: What?

Luke: I got a cast.

Claire: You like the cast?

Luke: I’ve always wanted one. After a few weeks, they start to smell.

Gloria: Ew.

Alex: You are so weird, you know that?

Manny: Can I sign it?

Luke: Sure.

Alex: Hey, me first.

(Commentary)

Phil: If you’d asked me before the party if I wanted there to be a chain reaction of disasters that led to Luke breaking his arm, I probably would’ve said no.

Claire: Probably?

Phil: Prob… defini… definitely not, would not want that. But… one way or another, Luke was the centre of attention on his birthday, and the whole family was together. Just like the way it should be.

(Cut back to scene)

Fizbo: (enters) Fizbo delivery! I brought the cake!

Phil: I can’t do this… Gotta go out. (runs out; stumbles over wheelchair)

Claire: Cake!

Family: Yay!

Gloria: Blow the candle, blow the candle.

(Commentary)

Manny: Bianca Douglas called me three times tonight. I’m not gonna lie to you: I’m starting to feel smothered.

Luke: I really like my cast, but it’s starting to itch. Good thing my mom made me this personal scratcher. (takes out comb; scratches himself with it) Oh, that’s good stuff.

Hayley: If another woman is messing with your man, you have to get proactive. I don’t care how pretty she is, or how many stupid reptiles she has – she tries to take what’s mine, girlfriend’s gonna get stung. (scorpion falls of her desk) Aaaaah!