Lecture 13 set self-concordant goals

Some benefits of self-concordance:

1. increasing well being

2. resolving internal conflicts, helping us with anxiety, with uncertainty, with existential questions

3. increasing the likelihood of success

No pain, no gain. Do it better with pleasure.

Self-concordance has a trickle effect. Potentially identifying self-concordant goals can also help you improve your grades even though they are not related at all, because overall, you are more motivated; you are more excited; you are more interested; and you enjoy life as a whole more in positive emotions.

4. health benefits, self-concordance leads to longer life

Values in action (VIA) and character strengths

Psychologists identified 24 character strengths. The key aspect of these characteristics is that they have moral value.

When VIA go together with self-concordance, we are more likely to experience a complete experience of happiness of fulfillment.

How to identify our values in action and how to use them? What are your personal character strengths?

It’s not we cannot or should not cultivate the other strength but what we need to do is focus mostly on those strengths that are most natural to us, because that is when we get the most bank for the buck.

Two practices will help us to identify and apply the character strengths:

1. take the questionnaire, take the test:

a) Take the top 8 to 12 strengths.

b) Read their descriptions—what they mean, what they are about, what they

say about you.

c) Then ask yourself which five are the real me? Or which ones when I’m

engaging them I feel more energized and motivated. Or which ones do I grow and develop most from.

d) Then chose any one of the character strengths and apply it, meaning every

day for the following 7 days, apply this character strength (for example, you chose love of learning. You need to learn something new every day). Every day for the 7 days after that apply the next character strength or the same strength in a different way. Apply whatever it is, whatever your top strengths are consciously until it becomes a habit.

e) Each night describe how you use your strength on that day, and then commit

to the next day.

2. Apply your character strength to solve your problems as they have a trickle effect.

a) Identify your top strengths

b) Apply them to your weakness.

What may be a helpful framework for identifying a self-concordant journey as well as

outcome? 将工作作为一种使命而不仅仅是工作或者职业。虽然整个过程中不能完全将每个环节都作为使命。但是要想着这是我工作的一部分。把每个环节放到整体中。

A few tips about setting goals:

1. Write them down.

2. Set lifelines instead of deadline.

3. Make them specific. Make them concrete.

Dealing with stress:

Find out what works instead of why we have stress. Change our perception of our day from being marathon runners to being sprinters! Set rituals for both work and recovery.

Words and phrases:

Calling 使命 monk 和尚

A big load of money

Values in actions 行为价值观 world class 世界级 prestige 特权 Easier said than done. character strength 人格力量

第二篇：哈佛大学幸福课笔记positive psychology

Silence

实践活动后的最好进行内省

分清楚主次

第二课

Resilience 适应力

Optimistic

A sense of meaningful Faith

Pro-social behavior

What I’m good at? Focusing on strengths ★

Social support ★

Set goals★

A role model★

Question create reality. They create possibilities. A question begin a quest.

Put your mind on what’s you good at

Take responsibility!

No one is coming. It’s up to you to make the most out of this experience.

Lesson3

Marva Collins

Ok, it’s hard, unfair, difficult. However, it’s your own responsibility. No one is coming. It’s up to you to make that difference in your life!

Collins’ way---how can we cultivate the seed of generation in our student? If we only ask “how many geometric shapes do you see on the screen?” and then, we’ll miss the children on the bus, They completely missed the seed of greatness.

Questions make a difference!

Most people lead lives of quiet desperation.

Comfortably numb, how can we go beyond~?

How can we get beyond that “quiet desperation”?

幸福并不代表没有痛苦，幸福也不会自动降临。

心理健康模型：

1. Do we focus on weaknesses, which is the disease model, say let’s get rid of weaknesses? Or do we focus on strength?

The disease model, the optimum level is the zero: let’s just be OK; let’s just not hurt.

The health model, let go beyond that, let’s get excitement, feel

passion, not only the state of relax, it’s the creative tension.

“Flow” we engage what we doing, much more than being “comfortable numb” not only rise to positive, but also can help us deal with desperation.

A failure of personal growth

Psychology is not just study of the disease, weakness, and damage, it also is the study of the strength and virtue, treatment is not just fixing what is wrong; it also builds what is right.

Build bridge:

将世界一分为二。

What the world needs is more than anything else, is practical idealists.

Sense of mission 使命感

Your desire to do good.

Self-esteem

Meditation actually transforms our brain.

Three physical exercises, 30 minutes each time has the same effect as powerful as our most psychiatric drugs.

The foundation of being an idealists is believe change is

possible.

第四课

The possibility of change!

The tip of the stem is actually about democratizing excellence. Study the best and applying it to the rest of us.

One of the most significant barriers to people doing things change the world, to actually introducing change is they underestimate their ability to bring about change.

All history is a record of the power of minorities, and of minorities of one.

改变是从一小部分人开始的，然后指数性的扩张，问题是如何让思想扩张？

Example of smile，Smile are contagious.

Exponential function，the power of one.

Premise number 3:

Internal factors versus external factors.

Income, statues, external circumstances make very little difference.

Not lower or high expectations---that’s won’t make a difference to our levels of wellbeing. What will make a difference to our levels of wellbeing is right or wrong expectation.

Our happiness is mostly depended on our state of mind; it’s about changing perception, about changing our interpretation of the world, of what’s happing to us, of our achievements, of our failures. It’s about what we choose to perceive, what we choose to focus on. It’s about transformation, as opposed to the external information or the external success.

The fourth premises:

Permission to be human.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can change; and wisdom to know the difference.

屈服并不同于主动接受

In our culture today, we don’t give us permission to be human, the freedom to experience these painful emotions as well.

We all need a space, a place of our lives, where we give ourselves the PH, whether it’s with close friend, people we care about, whether it’s first and foremost with ourselves when we write a journal, where we do give ourselves the permission to be, to cry, to be joyous—because we don’t, we pay a price. We need a space of unconditional acceptance.

Experience the envy when I experienced it, accept it；and then enjoy and celebrate it---the positive side.

Ironic processing---when we suppress a nature phenomenon and that phenomenon only strengthens.

The same applies to the painful emotions that are natural. And when we try to suppress them, they will strengthen.

Painful emotions are as much as part of human nature as the law of gravity is part of physical nature.

“Nature to be commanded as must be obeyed”.

严重的抑郁是我们扮演快乐所付出的终极代价

I accept my nature, I accept my state, but it’s doesn’t means resignation. What I’m talking about is active acceptance. The A B C of psychology.

A. stand for affection--emotion

B. stand for behavior--action

C. stand for cognition—thoughts.

要实现改变，需要在A B上实现

Unconditional acceptance permission human relates primarily to our affect, their are there. That does not mean we need to accept our behavior and out cognition.

Emotion is no matter right or wrong, the question is how do I choose my behavior to act as a result of it? That is where the

moral domain enters.

I can feel the emotion but it’s doesn’t mean that I need to resign to my thoughts about that feeling, rumination is not helpful，it’s much helpful to write about them. To talk to other people about them, don’t let all my irrational thoughts again and again repeat in your mind.

第五课：

在我们的文化中寻求快乐会被认为是自私的。人们会想：我怎么可以这么快乐呢？世界上有那么多的痛苦。但是，快乐并不是从别人那里夺来的，不是零和游戏，相反，快乐可以传染。Being happy, in other word, is also a moral state. 如果你善良，请你快乐。

Happiness never decreases by being shared. It’s contagious. 当我们处于消极情绪时，我们的思维会变得狭窄、停滞，造成恶性循环，甚至形成抑郁。当我们处于积极地情绪下，我们的思维宽广。灵活而且跳跃。我们脑子里会有更多的选择，会有更充足的精力。

Working for our happiness, seems contributing to or wellbeing, lead us be more generous and benevolent toward other people.

Be the change you want to see in the world change---Gandhi 把自己改变成为你想改变的世界。

The optimal way to spread happiness is to work on your on happiness. Because then you are leading by example.

Belief as self-fulfilling prophecies.

罗杰 世界上第一个在四分钟内跑完一英里的人。在这之前，科学家，生物学家证明人类的生理极限不可能突破四秒，但是罗杰不相信，经过年复一年的训练，他终于在19xx年5月6号重返故校是跑出了3分59秒，一时间，他成了世界的头版，科学家失败了、医生失败了的新闻写满在了报纸上。6周之后，澳大利亚的跑手John Landy跑完一英里用了3分57.9秒。第二年19xx年，37名选手跑进了4分钟。到了19xx年超过了300名跑手跑进了4分钟。是他们训练更刻苦了吗？还是鞋子了技术改进了？不，是信念。信念植根于潜意识。

Pygmalion 皮格立翁效应

Lesson six

Something planted from environment in one’s mind, make people act better.

Question is “how can we create a positive environment for ourselves? Where we primed by positive, where we can be more happier.” 在你的环境里放置爱人的照片、让你开心快乐的纪念物、让你感到受激励的歌曲、你心爱的书本、植物、艺术品、名人名言、电影

Patients and perseverance have a magic affect before which difficulties disappear and obstacle vanish.

耐心和坚持总能奇迹般的扫除困难和障碍。Adams

The important work of moving the world forward does not wait to be done by perfect men.

In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was within me an invincible summer.

在严寒的深冬里，我终于知道心中有个不败的夏天。那是一种永远满怀希望的天赋。

If one advance confidently in his direction in his dream, and endeavors to live the life which he imagined, he will meet success, unexpected in common hour.卢梭

如果一个人勇敢地坚持自己的梦想，努力实现自己梦想的生活，他将于成功不期而遇。

Whatever in your mind can conceive and believe, you can achieve.

Whether you think you can or can’t, you are right.

成功的秘诀是吸引法则，财富、地位都是被你吸引而来的，无论你相信什么，无论你想象什么。

以上的名言事实上只是部分正确，我们都知道这些离不开刻苦勤奋与坚持不懈，而且避免不了失败以及从每次失败中获得的经验。这些信息其实都言过其实、效果甚微、甚至会造成灾难性的后果。有些事情无法控制，所以说一切皆有可能，只要敢想就能实现，这些说法短期内可能让你坚定信念、体验幸福感，但从长期看，只会让人感到挫败、内疚、不快乐。

而且离成功越来越远，因为你相信如果一切是有思考决定创造，这种想法会成为你的心态习惯，只要有信心，钱就会滚滚而来、爱情就会降临，这抹杀了勤奋、坚忍不拔。他也是成功幸福完美人生的组成部分。

Self efficacy自我效能

我们每个人的自尊水平也就是自信程度，对我们生活有着深远的影响，比如我们如何待人接物，我们取得的地位，成就，还有个人领域，我们会与谁结婚，我们与配偶孩子的关系，个人的幸福水平。

Self-conception is destiny.

为何精神力量会如此强大？

答案一：当我们相信一见事情能成功的时候，我们会更加全力以赴的去做

二：一致性inconsistency、心理基模

我们的心理模型要与外界现实一致，这会使我们感到和谐，平衡。

要实现平衡

1. Update your schema

2. Ignore or discard external information

3. Actively seek confirmation

4. Create new reality

理想主义者的目标短期是不现实的，但长期目标却是现实的。

悲观主义者的短期目标是现实的，长期目标也是现实的。 对失败的定义，不同的理解方式

我并没有失败5000次，我成功的找出了5000种行不通的方法。

对事物有积极理解的人，更加长寿。

现实realistic optimism、不现实的、盲目的

我们如何区分现实与不现实？

找出矛盾让矛盾化解

You must never confuse faith that you would prevail in the end, which you can never afford to loss, with the discipline to confront the most brutal fact of your current reality whatever they might be.

你不能坚信自己会最终会在输不起的情形下取得胜利的信

念，同直面这个不知有多么残酷现实的行为相混淆。

Optimism passion and hard work

我相信运气，我发现我越努力工作，我的运气越好。

过高的希望导致失望

If we have higher expectation ,we much more likely hurt our self-esteem

第七课

1. Action

Put ourselves above the line, have high self-esteem

Because hard work and coping inevitably leads to success Success~~confidence~~motivates

Failure works also in a similar way to our physical immune system, when we get sick, our body sense anti-bodies, and we actually immune to whatever it is that we had, so our body become immunize through failure. Same on the psychological level, failure is underrated.

Fail more, and couple with that, we should learn to interpret it in a different way than most of us interpret failure. 学会用不同

的方式去诠释失败。“it’s not all my fault”

There is no other way to success, a spiral with ups and downs, not a straight line.

“to dare is to lose one’s footing momentarily. Not to dare is to lose one self.”

2. Imaginary ---visualization

Prepare, Prepare, Prepare, and then be spontaneous.

当我看见某件东西时，我脑子里的视觉皮层被激活，而当我闭上眼睛的时候，我脑子里仍然可以出现那景象，是因为神经元的激活。换句话说，我们的脑子无法区分真实的事物和想象的事物。

我可以欺骗脑子假想得到的事情，大脑不喜欢不一致性,坚持不懈将会是想象成为现实。

不仅仅只关注结果，要视觉化过程。

I have a dream

3.cognitive therapy 认知疗法

Event--evaluation(thought)—emotion 改变评估 第二步 3M

Magnifying---it’s exaggerating something that happens. Over generalization.

Minimizing---tunnel vision 视野隘口

Making up---捏造

幸福的人经历过同样多的痛苦，然而他们对失败对痛苦的诠释不同，造成了心理上的恢复速度不同，以及往后人生的不同。

Benefit finder find the miracle in the common.

Cognitive reconstruction is about learning to interpret things optimistically.

Much of what we experience, we co-create.

第八课

Question1: Why aren’t more people optimistic?

Most people think optimism are detached

Media lead us focus on negative, and magnify it.

Question2: How do I become optimistic?

Be grateful, do not take good things for granted

How to maintain freshness 1 vibrate 2 put your mind 3 visualize 第九课

Macro level

Be grateful, you will not take things for granted.

Visualize your beautiful

If the stars would shine once in a thousand years, we would all look up and prays the glory of this world. But they shine

Everyday we take it for granted.

It’s 21 days to change a habit.

Start today, tip away the excess stone

生命中重要的人，他们为了我做了什么，我应该怎样感谢他们？电话。信件。

感恩是双赢，一方面付出的人得到了安慰，另一方面自己也能继续得到别人的付出。

写下消极的情绪，就是分析痛苦，治疗痛苦。

思考消极情绪，down work spiral，narrowing constrict Think our happiness，write our sadness.

Change!

Introduces a habit

I want take exercise three times a week, each time 30 minutes. Concept of neuroplasticity.

Every time a connection is made between neurons-in other words, your thought pattern follows a certain path. That path grows, just like river, each time water passes there, it gets this much wider. And when there is no water there, there is no work being done in the neuron, it’s shrinks a little bit. So neural pathways grow with use and they shrink when there is no use. The neural pathways are self-reinforcing. Just like rivers are. Think about it: when it rains, when there is a down pour, the

water gravitates toward the existing river, toward the channels, toward the drains that we built. It’s much less likely to create a new river or new stream with there’s nothing before. So the experience is much likely to gravitate to already established neural pathways and strengthen it further, as opposed to create a new neural pathways, so if we want remember something, it’s very good to make connection to other things, to existing neural pathways, to existing memories.

理解神经可塑性 神经链接术

训练就是打通已有的大脑神经连接，通过不断的练习，加强巩固原有的连接，将神经元连接保留。

Gradual change，is the change we mostly see in the world, it’s the healthy change. There is no quick fix. It takes times. However, the change process can be as enjoyable as the outcome.

The acute change, don’t take much time. It’s happens immediately. The acute change is not a quick fix. The acute change, very often, takes a lot of preparation, metaphorically speaking-you need a lot of strength to pick up the hammer and to have the power to put it down. Both take time.

The belief that we can rely on shortcuts to gratification and bypass the exercise of personal strengths and virtue is folly. It

leads to legions of humanity who are depressed in the middle of great wealth and starving to death spiritually.

There is no quick fix. It’s takes time. It takes time to change. However, the change process can be as enjoyable, as fun, as exciting as ultimately achieving the change.

When something repeats again and again, it’s will become habit. Grateful is the parents of all virtues.

Take a minute twice a day to focus on what is going on around you, take a minute when you on your way to class to look at the beautiful grass, beautiful trees, beautiful snow, take a minute in the evening to reflect and think about the day you had, and write down the things for which you are grateful. Today over lunch just by a little bit slower than you do normally and taste. Because what we don’t appreciate unfortunately depreciates. We don’t need to wait for a threat, for a tragedy, for us to appreciate what’s all around us and within us. What reminds me constantly, my surrounding, the reminder that I have always in front of my eyes, in a picture of my family and particularly, of my grandmother in the middle.

作业：使用积极心理学进行干预生活的事项，选择一个主题，

写下报告。

Connect with story.

Lesson ten

Change is that neither is quick-fix. Even when we pick up that sledge hammer, we need to do a lot of work before the preparation.

把一天中最后的十分钟检验，今天应该完成的事情是否完成，是否在剔除多余的石头。

Do I, do you really want to change? Do I really want to improve certain things in my personality or character, or behavior, things that I don’t like. Often on the conscious level we may saying yes, but on the subconscious level something is stopping us.

我想摆脱古板的性格，但潜意识中言行一致的理念却与之相连，使得我无法摆脱。

冷酷—是因为我将严肃认真极端化

轻易相信别人，是因为我自己不要愿意丢掉值得他人去信任的优点

Perfectionism is associate with drive and ambition.

One of the most significant barrier to people’s happiness is that they associate happiness with slacking off, because the dominant

paradigm, the dominant mantra in our culture today is “no pay, no gain.” If I’m in happy now, I ignore experiencing pain, it means I’m letting go. It means I’m not gonna successful. It’s means I’m gonna lose my drive and ambition. So our subconscious level chose to be no happy. So that we don’t lose the other things that we value highly.

Actually success is associate with positive emotion. 更好的理解各种品质

我想让自己更加的开朗活泼，但我我潜意识里害怕自己会失去成熟有品味的品行。你根本不会，把婴儿留下，把洗澡水倒掉。前提是我们要搞清楚我们到底想改变什么。

The gradual change is mindful meditation. Mindful meditation is arguably the most powerful intervention for bringing about calm and equanimity.

All of us have the capability to be mindful. All it involves is cultivating our ability to pay attention in the present moment.

Mindfulness means seeing thing as they are, without trying to change them. The point is to dissolve our reactions to disturbing emotions, being careful not to deject the emotion itself.

试图去改变他们，关键是要消解我们的负面情绪的反应，而非去抵制负面情绪。

冥想解除痛苦疗法：

Slow, quiet, gentle, exhalation, deep slow inhalation, all the way into your belly. 慢慢的轻轻地静静地长长的呼出来， 如果你的思绪飘走了，回到你的呼吸上来。

现在打开你的心眼

想象你在脑中观察你自己的身体

你的前额、你的鼻子，眼睛，嘴巴，你的要双腿

同时继续保持深深地，缓慢的呼吸

在你大量自己的时候，寻找身体上比其他部位更为紧绷的部位，你感觉不适的部位，将精力集中在那，保持深呼吸，缓慢的，长久的深呼吸，当你在呼气的时候试着想象把那种紧绷的感觉也呼出去了，放松。深呼吸，到丹田，然后让紧张随着呼吸离开你的身体。

Acute change

PTSD创伤后应激障碍 Post-traumatic stress disorder. Shock treatment 休克疗法

Peak experience: it’s a generalization for the best moment of the human being, for the happiest moments of life, for experience of ecstasy, rapture, bliss, of the greatest joy.

高峰体验是人类生命中最精彩、最幸福、最令人神醉的时刻，欣喜若狂，极乐体验的高度浓缩。 我发现这种体验一般来自于深度美学体验，包括创作时的喜悦、爱情、完美的性体验、为人父母、自然分娩、以及其他的人生体验。

It’s wouldn’t last long, it’s a peak. However, they can and often do have repercussions.震荡效应

A shock treatment of ecstasy

Peak experience often have consequences, they can do the same as there as psychotherapy, if one keeps his goals right, and if one knows just what he is about, and if one is conscious of what he is going toward.

How to get peak experience:

1. Permission to be human. Acceptance, accepting emotions. 因为大脑中悲伤和快乐的神经通道时同属一路，如果我们拒绝感受悲伤，对悲伤采取压制，同样我们压制了快乐的体验。

2. Mindfulness, being present. Listen to the music

3. Time 我们一天中的太多时间活在匆忙之中

作业：描述自己的巅峰体验

Behavior：立刻行动，而不是等待

Facial feedback hypothesis, if you put on a frown now or a nice gentle smile, your body chemistries are actually going to change

to reflect whatever your face is showing.

Sometimes joy is the source of smile, and sometimes the smile can be the source of your joy. 解释演员入戏很深

抬头挺胸的走路，在骄傲的环境中成长

你的昂首挺胸对外界传递了一个积极地信号，同时这个信号回馈了自己，更加坚定了信念。

第十一课

Fake it till we make it

Those whose deeds exceed their wisdom, they wisdom shall endure. But those wisdoms exceeds their deeds, their wisdom shall not endure.

如果我们只从认知水平上去看待知识，即便有灵光乍现的时候，也不会发生什么，除非我们的行为跟上了

假设我们在参加学术讨论或上课之前是这个水平，我们的态度变了，但行为没变，态度会随着时间流逝被习惯又拉回来。 所以只有我们同时改变行为，才能有实质的改变。

To change the course of life, chose one of two basic methods. One, you can direct your energy and attention toward trying to fix your mind, find your focus, affirm your power, free your emotions and visualize positive outcomes so that you can

finally develop the confident to display the courage to discover the determination to make the commitment to feel sufficiently motivated to do what it is you need to do. Or you just do it.

Most of us most of time are in our comfort zone. It's great. it's wonderful. However, when we are in the comfort zone, very little change happens. If you go beyond that, we get to our stretch zone.紧张区 This is where change actually happens, beyond that is the panic zone. This is where we have anxiety and difficult. This is the place usually unhealthy. Unhealthy for change. Because very often, we can go back on where we were before. You can think about this with a metaphor: the comfort zone would be freezing water. The stretch zone would be flowing water. The panic zone would be boiling water. The best way to be usually is in the stretch zone. Flow is when you have optimal level of arousal, optimal level of tension. It's not too difficult nor too easy for you.

stretch myself, but not too much.循序渐进的方法 健康的改变

Sometimes we have to go to the panic zone. Because sth cannot be changed, or almost can not change gradually. for example, addiction.

关于自律性强是否对成功有帮助的讨论

if you change your focus from relying on self-discipline for bring about change to introduce rituals.

The power of full engagement---by Tony Schwartz.

paradigm shift.思维转换

Where we need to stop trying to get more self-discipline, because discipline is not enough for success, for well-being, for change. And it's because people rely on self-discipline for change.

We have limited discipline, and the question is what we used it on.

新年计划依赖于自律，而早起刷牙只是ritual，we do it everyday. It's automatic.

When people used to comment on my incredible self-discipline, and I don't think I am a person with self-discipline, take something as ritual

Building ritual requires defining very precise behaviors and performing them at very specific times--motivated by deeply held values.

Physical exercise yoga and meditation deeply held value for me.

The key is to give yourself time to create the ritual. Maintaining a ritual, requires some self-discipline, but not a lot. Creating a ritual requires a lot of self-discipline.

So give ourselves 30 days to start the gratitude. Give us 30 days to build the new ritual of exercising regularly. And the key is, to give yourself no more than one or two ritual each 30 days. Why? Because as we mentioned earlier, it takes a lot of self-discipline to create a ritual and our discipline is limited, that is why we list 10 changes that we want to introduce in our lives today, we end up doing none. Because we are over-extending our self-discipline and break down. It takes a lot of discipline to start a ritual, but once we start it, after a month when it’s habituated, when it’s grooved in, when the neural pathway has begun to form, then we can move onto the next ritual and introduce it, if we are ready. No more than two. Ideally one ritual.

作业：写出你的一两件例行公事，并用一个月时间去实践成为习惯。

Incremental change is better than ambitious failure.逐步的改善

好过于雄心勃勃的失败。

You need small successes and then build these successes.

There isn’t anything that isn’t made easier through constant familiarity and training.

Cognitive reconstruction 认知重建

The insight---need a lots of preparation.在某些领域具有创造力的人都是有前期大量的准备。

1. Prepare 准备

2. Incubation 酝酿

3. Ah ha moment! Eureka 顿悟

4. Evaluation 评估 is this something real? Is this will last? A really good idea? A really good relationship?

第十二课

我会用9个月而不是12个月来完成一年的工作

——JP·Morgan

Journal: keep dairy four days and write what ever you want. Three elements source from healthy：

1. Meaning everything happen for a reason, this was not in vain- this difficulty. I can learn form hardships. And I have grown form it.

2. Manageability I can deal with it. I can handle it. I have the internal as well as external resources to deal with it as opposed to being helpless.

3. Comprehensibility I can understand the world, the world and event, difficulties and hardships, highs and lows make sense to me mostly.

Behavior

The sense of coherence!

Low self-esteem(C)→they don’t think highly of themselves, poor self evaluation→likely to be innervated, to feel down, not to be motivated not good feelings(A)→likely to do nothing, I’m not dealing. I’m not coping. I’m avoiding. (B) →and that lowers my self-esteem(C)

Become a down spiral 向下型的螺旋, until in some case, we reach resignation, or in Martin Seligman’

s words, learn helpless

习得性无助

High self-esteem(C) I believe in myself. I think I can do well. That leads to high level of motivation. That leads to high levels of motivations, strong emotions→more behaviors(B)I can act more, I can do more, cope more→more positive emotion(A) An upward spiral

Broaden-and-build 拓延-建构

Socialphobia 社交恐惧症

A. Affect ---medication or meditation affect directly our emotions

B. Through cognitive behavioral therapy. Exposure which is gradual exposure to stimuli that create that phobia. So initially I’ll walk 10 yards out of my home.

And finally you can also intervene through cognition in therapy, in dealing with irrational thoughts, psychological traps, the three M’s.—making up捏造 magnifying放大 minimizing缩小 Change is difficult, but is doesn’t means it’s not enjoyable. The process itself is extremely rewarding.

Goal setting

Concerning all acts of creation there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that

the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would not have otherwise occurred. A whole stream of events issues form the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance which no man would have dreamed would come his way.

Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it! Boldness has genius, magic, and power in it.

Question create reality

We know that attainment of goals does not lead to happiness. What does lead to happiness? Understanding the proper role of goals. And understanding that it’s not the attaining of goal that leads to happiness, but the having of goal that leads to happiness.

The goal liberate us to enjoy the here and now

Why so many successful man unhappy?

When they have the dream of becoming a famous person, a person who is admired, revered, a person who can get anything or anyone almost they want, when they dream about it, they may be unhappy, but they say to themselves: OK, I’m unhappy now,

but when I get there. And then they get there, and they don’t realize that there’s no “there” there. They think it would make them happy, but it doesn’t. And that real problem begin. Because that’s when they begin to experience helplessness. That’s when they become resigned. That when they go into the leaned helplessness and resignation and the nihilism.

Live not for battles won

Live not for the swan song

Live for the alone

It’s not important what your goals…not all goals are created equal. It’s important to think of your goal. Self-concordant are aligned with your personal interests and values- things that your carry about, doing things that are important to you.

These are goals that you choose freely. Not imposed from the outside. These are things that you want to do, or that you feel, that you perceive you want to do, rather than thing you have to do.

Identify the things that you can do. And then out of those, identify the things that you want to do. And list them down.

Identify those things that you really want to do.

The real sense of significance of something. I’m having a spiritual experience engaging in it.

第十三课

Carpe Diem.

Seize the day.

自我同一感 self-concordance 好处

1. Setting self-concordance goals can potentially make us happier. Because we are pursuing something we are care about, it is more like to reinforce our enjoyment of the journey.

2. Having self-concordance goals-having goals in general, but in particular self-concordant goals, resolves internal conflicts. It’s helps us deal with anxiety, with uncertainty, with existential questions. What am I? What I’m doing? Why I’m here?

Common sense is not that common. In many ways, this increased likelihood of success when we pursue the things that we are passionate about defines the “no pain, no gain” maxim. It defines it and change it to the following maxim: do it better with pleasure.

Trickle effect 涓滴效应

People who set self-concordant goals were actually doing better in areas that were not necessarily self-concordant.

Even other things in your life are not related at all. Because overall, you are more motivated, more excited, more interested, and enjoy your life as a whole more in positive emotions have a trickle effect. Like a candle in a dark room. You don’t need to light up the entire room with lights, you just need a single candle which is enough to spread the light to darkened corners of the room.

3. Healthy benefits

When you have choice that is a good predictor of happiness.

Value in action VIA

人格力量what your personal character strengths

1. Is this real me? When you are praying, laughing, playing, reading

William James--- I have often thought the best way to define a man’s character would be to seek out the particular mental or moral attitude in which, when it came upon him, he felt himself most deeply and intensely active and alive. At such moments there is a voice inside which speaks and says: this is real me! When is the real you coming out? Is it when you act bravely? Is

it when you apply yourself and work hard at something?

When your are acting according to your character strengths, you feel energized and you feel motivated. It comes from within. 写出你的人格力量 what does it feel the real me? When I… 把他们分成6类

Identify your character strengths

Used the strengths and applied it to what had been a weakness of mine.

Regard work as

1. Job motivation paycheck something I have to do look for the Friday.

2. Career motivation money and advancement work as race more power prestige

3. Calling luck of us perceive work as calling the motivation is the thing in itself-it’s about self-concordant goal, it’s also about self-concordant journey; it’s a mission, it’s what they are meant to be doing, it what they want to be doing more than anything else in the world. They see it not as a chore, but it’s a privilege to be engaged in what it is that they are doing. They expectation: a better world. They look forward more work.

Overall, it’s a sense of calling, it’s a self-concordant goal as well as journey. You may not enjoy every step of the way. However it’s overall that experience is self-concordant, important to you, and you enjoy it, even that part will not be that bad. It will be OK, especially if you start seeing that during that process, you’ll beginning to make connections understand things, important things about yourself. Important thing also keep in mind about calling is that it does depend to some extent on the kind of work that you do. It depends much more on your perception of the work. Cleaner on the hospital

It’s certainly true that many of us evade our constitutionally suggested vocations (call, destiny, task in life, mission). So often we run away from the responsibility dictated by nature, by fate, even sometimes by accident, what your calling? What your fate? What your destiny? The most noble thing is to listen to your heart. Because when we pursue our passions. When we pursue a self-concordant goal and a self-concordant journey, that when we come alive and that when we also make the world a better place.

Suggestion of setting goal:

1. Write them down

2. Set lifelines, make them specific project

3. Renew

People can imagine themselves taking steps, while great height seem entirely forbidden.

Stress

Have 60 to 120 minutes, so around 90 minutes of sprint, work, concentrate, focus hard, go for it, and then, have 15 minutes or so for recovery.

第十四课

Quantity affect quality数量影响质量

Love、music

Focus on one thing

Writing、spending time with friends

The key is focus.

Where do I my life need to simplify?

Outline

·What is perfectionism?

·Characteristics

·Consequences

·Success and happiness

·Source of perfectionism

·Overcoming perfectionism

No pay no gain?

All or nothing

Perfectionism is not about give up ambitions, it’s about having a different approach to walk the journey of our life, to walk the each step of the way,

How to be both successful and happy?

It’s not about give up success is not about giving up conventional currency is also about enjoy the automate currency. How can we overcome perfectionism, is not means giving up hard work, it’s not about giving up ambition, not giving up the pain of failure.

Learn to fail, fail to learn.

We come to certain age or we begin understand other people are watching us and then the # kicks in.

I not going to do that if I fail, if she says no, I don’t go to share Because is they don’t like I say?

When we avoid instead of coping, and the affect our self-esteem, our confidence and happiness level in the long term.

Remember how we learn, causes there is no other way to learn,

no other way to become happier.

The important work of moving the world forward does not wait to be done by perfect men. ---George Eliot

Let your child be comfortable to tell his fail, because once he feel uncomfortable, he will fear fail.

为了不让孩子失败，怕事情被孩子搞砸，而禁止他们去做，是非常伤害孩子成长的。为了孩子的成长，他必须自己尝试，别人不可代办。

第十五课

Very successful at early 30 or success at age of 50 or 60 what the different between to group?

对于失败的看法，如果是感觉失败有益于个人成长，经验的获得，那么他会继续尝试。如果认为失败是能力的问题，智力的问题，那么他会停止尝试，放弃解决的心态，不会把自己放在基准线之上，固步自封。

Perfectionism A直接到B 走直线，不想费劲。与规则做斗争，违背常理，变得沮丧，不快乐，就像讨厌地球引力。

Excellent 了解A到B过程中式曲折的，并且能够接受这种变动。

第十六课

Being variable, what I want change? What I want maintain. Whenever it happens, angry、 anxiety、 failure. Look it as a tool, a way to growth.

Accept it and then act.

1. Permission to be human OK, it’s OK to be stress

2. Respect the reality

3. Perspective

这真的重要吗，几个星期之后几个月几年之后还会重要吗？值得你现在焦虑吗？

Health body, healthy mind

A drug:

30 minutes exercise 4 times a week

At least 15 mindfulness exercise 6 or 7 times a week 8 hours to sleep more or less per 24 hours

12th day you can do any thing you like

Psychical exercise

Listen to your body

第十七课

Are you worthy? Happy, relationship

Just do it!

Neck up meditation, neck down through the body exercise Sitting meditation

Focus on breath, gesture, love, kindness, virtue, prayer, it’s focusing on one thing.

Most foundation of meditation is deep breathing, belly breathing, insulting the air in you belly and slowly gently gracefully breathing out.

Just become enlightened, do not need deliberate

Meditation is about being present, when we lose our thought simply bring it back. That is how exercise to be more mindful and more focus.

Internal healer

Body scan

Mindful therapy change our mind to doing from being

When we experience something stressful or when our mind goes to a sad place. Our immediately reaction is “how can I fix it”

and we fix it by thinking about alternative or by giving ourselves to feel better by thinking about the problem we facing. Because this fixing mind works, because fix we got son technology and progress and because fixing mind that you got here you didn’t getting be because you were great mediator. It’s come to productive when it comes to dealing with mental psychological issues. We () we want fix it, but very often it come to productive. Internal dealer healer wisdom know best your problem not everything but certain things. Such as digestion, painful emotion. So we are moving our emotion to be that feeling.

Try to get rid of the depression in the usual problem solving way try to fix what wrong with us, just digs us in deeper, rumination is part of the problem not part of the solution.

Deep breathing is highly recommended

In our modern world we are mostly anxious and stress, as a result of this, our breath become shallow, as result of shallow breathing we become even more stress and anxious and we go to the down spiral of find or fight the response and that go for our most days. And we can change it quickly, as we know calm lead deep breathing, deep breathing leading calm. Just need three

deep breathing whenever you wake up, before you lecture, at the end of the class, before I got to the bed.

Like a baby breathing. You know how to breath, go back to you nature, you internal healer know. Introduce deep breathing in your daily life, you’ll have far reaching consequences.

第十八课

Sleep, treat it as an investment.

1. Physical immuse system

2. Energy level

3. Creativity, activity, happiness.

Baby don’t get depress

Beauty sleep, happiness sleep, intelligent sleep

Nap is also a good investment.

Touch

Physical healthy mental healthy if have more touch.

Being touch more often

Give baby more touch is good for their growing.

Hug

Touch is important, touch is good.

药方：

Four times a week thirty minutes exercise

Mindful meditation every fifteen minutes a day

Deep breath five times a day

Eight hours a sleep a night

Five hugs a day

More touch

Relationships

Optimal level arousal

Introverts have higher OLA, they want reduce the OLA, so they enjoy spending time by themselves

Extroverts have lower OLA, they have to go out for fun Alcohol reduce our levels of arousal

Coffee increase our levels of arousal

What’s true love really mean?

第十九课

If we want relationship thrive, you need work hard. Finding mind set 寻找的心态(fix) 固定的

Finding a right partner, it’s fixed, I found a lover, I found a friend.

Cultivating mind set (malleable) 培养的心态 灵活的

It’s easy to have good relationship at beginning. 不是寻找爱情友谊，而是培养他们。

Movie is focus on founding a partner, at the end they get together, it’s easy to have a relationship at beginning.

Long term relationship is cultivated. It not found one unique person, it’s cultivate a chosen. It’s by virtue of working together or doing together and spending time together.

It’s cultivate the one chosen of relationship it’s by virtue to working together being together or sending time together. It’s doesn’t happen at a night, it’s takes time. In fact, it’s does not happen, it’s happening, it’s a process. It’s not about a success in a relationship, it’s about succeeding relationship.

We cultivate relationship is not just by giving ring or follower it by doing thing together.

Having a same goal can resolve conflict. Helping each other,

support each other.保持共同的期望。

生活的交集，对友谊的浇灌，投资

Contact is not enough.

Active love, 一见钟情只是爱情的瞬间起点，为相爱产生了一种可能，要有长久的爱情，有生命力的爱情，我们还需要去共同培养，灌溉，而不只是停留在爱情的起点上。

“In strongest marriage husband and wife share deep sense of meaning, they don’t just get along, they also supporting other hope and expirations, and build a sense of purpose to their life together.”

Love is cultivated.

Love perception theory. When we take care of someone (my child) our perception may tell us we must love that person. We invest time and emotion.

The second way to keep a sustaining love is making that shift form desire to be validate to the desire to be known.

If we want sustain passion beyond the honey moon face. We need to do is form deeper love into intimacy. Know each other, understand each other, is more meaningful.

Share our weakness share our proud thing.

Relieve our fantasy our dreams makes high level of trust and intimacy.(our great strength, as well as our weakness, our

insecurity, and our passion)

Healthy relationship is about express ourselves rather try to constantly impress, that is difference being known versus being validate.

It’s more risky to open up to express ourselves because what if she doesn’t like me? what if she finds out about me?

Express is more likely have a thrive relationship, by overtime, people will more attractive to ourselves.

Intimacy in about letting yourself real being known including part that you and your partner don’t like, but it just not worth be known, it often evolves showing strength.

只要让他们了解自己的感受，我在意他，关心她。 冲突积极地交流---1:5

Love is in the detail, love is not in the on week, or two month. Love is in the day to day ritual little things.

When we don’t appreciate things goes depreciate.

Love Boosters

· love is in the detail

· mini love boosters- 60-second pleasure points

· extraordinary by focusing on by ordinary

· demonstrate interest 展示爱好

· show affection(touch, smile, flowers)

· pay compliments 问候、示好、赞美

I can’t live for two month on a good compliment---Mark Twain · demonstrate empathy

· make love

Cognitive conflict is about focus on person behavior thought ideas and challenge them.

Unhealthy conflict is about focusing on the person on the remotion on who they are, when I attract someone for who they are the person the remotion that not healthy not for group not for couple at the sometime I can’t disagrees we can’t have conflict. Focusing on the behavior, do you mind putting down the toilet sit when your are down.

攻击为人，而不是就事论事。赞赏别人，感谢别人，但不赞成行为或者观点。

Person versus behavior

第二十课

第二十一课

A beautiful enemy not only a good friend who is agreed with me anything. He is the one who will often challenge you Help meet. Complement

Focus on the benefit

Passive destructive / destructive active /

Passive constructive / active constructive /

The more independent we are the more interdependent we have.

Self-esteem

Low self-esteem didn’t make sense to me.

I punish by success.

Why is important?

Find self-esteem as the judgment and feeling about the self. Self-esteem is an evaluation which individual makes

It’s spreads attitude approval or disapproval and indicates a standard to which individual believe themselves capable, significant, successful and worthy. Self-esteem is a personal judgment of worthiness that spreads in the attitude individual holds him or her self. A evaluate part of self concept. Competent and meaningful worthiness

Self concept is destiny!

Pretence self-esteem, psychological health is function of connection to reality. Self-esteem is found in reality. In actual performance，in actual success.

尝试并非人们想象的那样世人皆知。

培养自尊水平的方法

Integrity 正直，言行一致

Self-consciousness自省，自我发现

Stand up what we believe 坚持自己的想法,自主

Dependent self-esteem我们小时候依赖性自尊/ independent self-esteem独立性的自尊/ unconditional self-esteem 无条件自主性的自尊 每一个人都有三种自尊成分构成关键在于组成比例如何。Like a child learn to walk.

Compare to yourself.

Detach from you knowledge.

第二十二课

Stability of self-esteem

Hostility---DSE---unstable

Generous/benevolent---ISE---stable

被了解而非被证明

If we want high self-esteem, we need to behavior like a person who have high self-esteem. Because SE simply an attitude. It’s the attitude I have word the self. It’s the I evaluate me, and to have that attitude I need to engage what the most effective way---a person who have high SE. which is why so important to have role model.

People have high independent SE generally have the character---calm. People behavior calmly will increase ISE. Meditation can induce calm into my center and my soul. Physical also have this effect.

What’s your passion? What’s your really like to do? What’s the really important thing in your life? What’s kind of like do you

want to lead? What you see yourself in ten years or twenty years from now? what is important for you no matter other people prove cheer or disprove criticism.

When you lose your SE?

Those who run after honor, honor will run away. Those who run away form honor, honor will chase them.

名利皆是虚空。

If I run away form honor behavior humbly over time true honor internally honor will chase me. Behavior can change attitude, it’s takes time.

如果我选择做一件事情，世界上没有任何一个人知道我做什么，也不会知道我的成就，我的荣耀，不会羡慕我，你会选择做什么？当然是有意义的，让自己快乐的事情。

让自己的心灵有时间休息，多多与他交流。认识真实的自己。 Listen to your voice!!

当我们说谎时我们有心理情感上的代价。

不要说谎！

第二十三课

Meaningful things:

1. Permission to be human

2. Meditation

Two behavior change:

1. SE

2. Focus my mind

3. More calm

Have courage not means have no fear, it’s means having fear and go ahead.

1. Question you ask

2. Believe create reality

3. Visualization

4. Learn to fail, fail to learn. No other way to learn, no short cut.

5. Permission to be human

6. Appreciate

7. Simplify

8. Cultivate relationship

9. Exercise/meditation/sleep/touch

10. Being know rather than being validate

11. Change

12. Pay it forward