哈佛大学幸福课第22课 中英文双语笔记

Harvard learning challenged association 哈佛学习障碍协会

And we are hosting a forum inspired by this class受到这门课的启发，我们将举行非一个论坛

Entitled learning disabilities 名叫学习缺陷

Learning challenges and positive psychology 学习障碍和积极心理学

A lot of student on campus are registered with learning disabilities很多校内学生都有学习缺陷

And even more have learning challenges有些甚至有学习障碍

Which can include a difficulty studying or chronic procrastination包括学习困难和长期拖延症

Also ,a lot of learning disabilities 而且，很多学习障碍

Are associated with higher rates of depression and low self-esteem都与抑郁症高发率和低自尊有关

So in this forum ,we hope to ask questions like 所以在这个论坛上，我们会问

"how can we think positively about learning disabilities?"如何积极看待学习障碍？

And "how can we use positive psychology我们如何用积极心理学 To further explore this field of studying?"进一步探索这片研究领域？ All are welcome,whether you have learning challenge 欢迎大家参加，不管是你有学习障碍

or your friend does还是你的朋友

or you just have a tough time studying 或者你最近遇到学习困难 or you are just interested或者你只是感兴趣

Please come and join us.都请来参加

it's convenient time 时间很方便

one week from now,Tuesday 11:30 一周后，星期二11点半 at the Adams House Conservatory 地点是Adams宿舍音乐院

which is between the entrance and the dining hall of Adams House 就在入口和Adams宿舍的食堂中间

So mark your calendars记住在日程表上标出来了

It should a good discussion.we hope we'll see you there.这会是一次很愉快的讨论，希望到时候能见到大家

Thank you so much.非常感谢

My name is Holly.我叫Holly

And I'm the president of an organization on campus 我是校内一个协会的主席

called the Leadership Institute an Harvard College这个协会叫做哈佛大学领导才能协会

And David and I want to just quickly mention what the club does David和我想简单跟大家介绍一下我们的协会

One of our founders actually is one of your TFs-John Deutch 我们的一位创立人就是你们的助教John Deutch

over here helped get the group started a few years back他几年前开始创立这个协会

So very briefly what the club has-forming programs 简单来说，我们的协会组织各种活动

all aimed up promoting leadership on campus旨在提高校内学生的领导能力

We have a development program where we bring in speakers 我们有一个发展活动，在这个活动里，我们会请人

to work on workshops and interactive seminars 在研讨会和互动会上演讲

that help all of us on really useful skills 教会我们真正有用的技巧

like running a meeting and negotiation and public speaking 例如主持会议，谈判，公众演讲

They are all free and open to all undergraduates这些活动对所有本科生免费开放

We also enable collaboration between student presidents,我们还会举行午餐会和讨论，让学生主席

chief editors,总编辑

captains on campus through luncheons and discussion forums校园队长进行合作

We have an outreach program where we train Harvard undergraduates 我们还有一个拓展计划训练哈佛本科生

as instructors for leadership curriculum当领导才能课程的讲师

And we run a one year program on Saturdays 我们有一个长达一年的活动，每周六举行

with middle school students here at Cambridge是和我们这里的Cambridge中学生一起参加的

And lastly,we are starting a student leadership focused magazine 最后，我们正在成立一份专注于领导才能的杂志

that will be distributed in the future在将来不久就会发行

Hey guys,My name is David Tebaldi大家好。我叫 David Tebaldi

I'm the leadership development initiative director 我是领导才能协会发展领导才能活动的

at the Leadership Institute首要负责人

I'm here to give you a little bit of idea 我来为大家简单介绍一下 of what's in store for the fall我们秋季会有什么活动

First of all we have the Presidents Forum 首先我们会举行主席论坛 which is a banquet that brings together the students all across the 这是一个聚集全校

students leaders from all across the campus 学生领导的宴会 to discuss their own experiences 他们会分享他们

with leadership and challenges related to that对领导才能以及相关挑战的经验

Afterwards we had a very first magazine coming out which is pretty

exciting然后我们会出版我们第一份杂志，非常激动人心

It'll have a lot of articles about leaders that we 里面会有很多文章关于以前

hosted the past events 主持过活动的领导

and their own experience with leadership以及他们在领导才能这方面的经验

We have a lot of other events following that as Holly mentioned before 我们接下来还会有很多活动，正如Holly 刚才提到

with negotiations and a lot of public speaking events are in store我们会有关于谈判和公众演讲的活动

If you'd like to know more,如果你们想了解更多

you can just google leadership institute at Harvard college 请搜索哈佛大学领导才能协会

and you should be able to find our website 大家就能找到我们的网页 Thank you for your time谢谢你们

And I hope to see you at some of our events next year希望在下一年的活动上能看到大家

So we had a breakfast this morning with the teaching staff of this class我们今天早上和班上的助教吃了早餐

It was our final breakfast get-together这是我们最后一次的早餐聚餐 And I'm a little bit sad我有点伤心

So hopefully I'll be happier by the end of the class希望上完这节课后我能开心一点

Today we'll finish up on self-esteem今天我们会讲完自尊

And the next time is the last time we meet 下节课是我们最后一次上课

for this semester at least至少是这个学期

And I'll summarize what we have done,我会总结一下我们讲过的内容 where we have been 我们讲过的

and all the place we will go 和我们将要讲的内容

Just a recap on what we did 先回顾一下我们讲过的

which is on the slide now就在幻灯片上

There's been a lot of research ,有很多研究

a lot of talk of how important self-esteem is 有很多观点都说了自尊有多重要

and it is important自尊确实很重要

There's research suggesting that it's connected to our well being 有研究表明它与我们的健康

to our success that is inversely related to crime 成功有关，低自尊通常与犯罪

substance abuse,药物滥用

unhappiness,anxiety,depression心情低落，焦虑，抑郁有关

So self-esteem is important we know that 所以自尊很重要，这我们知

道

However,not all was well in self-esteem land 但是在自尊这个课题里，也不是天下太平的

as we discussed last time我们上节课讲过了

Part of the problem is that there is contradictory evidence问题之一就是自相矛盾的证据

On the other hand 一方面

self-esteem is associated with benevolence and generosity and empathy高自尊的人通常都仁慈，慷慨和富有同情心

On the other hand 但另一方面

high self-esteem has been shown to be associated with hostility 高自尊的人又会表现出敌意

lack of cooperation,defensiveness缺乏合作精神，有抵触情绪 There's also misunderstanding about or 另一个问题就是人们误解 about how self-esteem affects performance,自尊对表现的影响 how it affects happiness 对幸福的影响

and where that comes from以及当中的原因

The paradox of self-esteem自尊的矛盾

Sometimes we feel like we are doing so well,有时候我们觉得自己表现的很优秀

we are getting so many accolades,受到很多赞扬

our self-esteem increases only to go back to its base level ,但自尊上升

后，很快又回落到基本水平

only worse,甚至更糟

because now we have to do even more 因为我们要尽更大的努力

to come back to our base level of self-esteem,才能让自尊回到基本水平 have to get more accolades,我们要得到更多的赞扬

more achievements取得更多的成就

Nothing is enough anymore 做什么都不够了

So there are these contradictory evidence 所以有证明表明自尊的来源 where self-esteem comes from 以及它的后果

and its consequences存在矛盾

And one of the ways to explain it is by drawing on the work 解释这些矛盾的方法之一就是借鉴别人的研究

of people like Maslow例如Maslow

Nathaniel Branden people like Nathaniel Branden,

people like Carl Rogers,Rollo May,Lovinger 或者Carl Rogers,Rollo May,Lovinger

to see how we can perhaps break down self-esteem into its components看看我们能怎么分解自尊的基本构成

that's what my dissertation did,这是我论文的内容

this is what I presented to you in the previous class 也是我上节课跟大家讲的内容

basically take the ideas of the select field researchers 基本上就是讲了

自尊这个领域里的研究人员的观点

who had been thinking about it,那些思考这个问题的人

people like Robert Kegan across the road from the Ed school 例如马路对面的教育学院的Robert Kegan

think about self-esteem more developmentally他研究自尊的角度更倾向于发展心理学

And I presented the epigenetic model epigenetic,我给大家介绍了那个渐成模型，渐成

once again ,meaning that one level has to be fulfilled 再说一次，它的意思就是必须实现了一层

or at least partly fulfilled before we can go the next level或者至少部分实现了一层，才能去到下一层

And the three level are dependent self-esteem,这三层分别是依赖型自尊

independent self-esteem,独立型自尊

and unconditional self-esteem和无条件型自尊

Dependent self-esteem,,the two components of it,依赖型自尊，它有两个构成部分

First of all,首先

person with high dependence needs the accolades of others constantly ,有高度依赖型自尊的人时刻需要他人的赞扬

chooses whether it's a career path or what to do this afternoon,不管选

择什么职业，还是决定下午做什么样的小事

based on how much approval that will gain him or her都是根据他人的认同来做决定的

Person with dependent self-esteem 有依赖型自尊的人

when it comes to competence 在能力感方面

always compares him or herself to others总是拿自己跟别人比较

Am I better or am I worse ?Superior or inferior?我比他们好还是差？比他们优秀还是不如他们？

Independent self-esteem is self-esteem that's contingent on the self,独立型自尊是一种取决于自我的自尊

in terms of how I evaluate myself,这样的人在评价自己时

that's my internal voice that's speaking用的是自己的意见

In terms of how my levels of competence are determined,他们的能力感取决于

it depends on how much I have improved,自己认为自己进步了多少 how much better I've got,改善了多少

how much I feel that I have fulfilled my potential觉得自己的潜力发挥了多少

That's independent self-esteem,这就是独立型自尊

not contingent on what other people say or think并不取决于他人的言论或想法

Unconditional self-esteem is the highest level,无条件型自尊是最高层次

的自尊

the level that Maslow would talk about"the self-actualization",也就是Maslow 所说的“自我实现”

what David Schnarch talks about as "differentiated" David Schnarch所说的“分化良好型”

or at the level of being known rather than desiring to be validated想被了解，而不是被认可

Unconditional self-esteem is our self-esteem is high enough 无条件性自尊是指我们的自尊高到

we feel good enough about ourselves,让我们对自己感觉很好

not to be concerned with evaluations with others 所以我们并不在乎别人怎么看自己

or even with self evaluations甚至不在乎自己怎么看自己

In terms of comparison在比较方面

We don't compare ;we are inter-dependent,我们不会比较，我们是相互依存的

connected to others相互联系的

So the example that I gave last time is of a book我上节课举得一个例子是写书

Let's say I publish a book and I have high dependent self-esteem假设我出版一本书，我是一个高度依赖型自尊的人

First of all,I write it首先，我写这本书

I publish it so that I can get accolades我出版这本书，是为了得到赞扬 My primary motivation is external approval我的首要动机是获得外界认同

My primary motivation is wanting to bring out a book 我的首要动机是想出版一本

that will be better than the other books out there.比别人的书都好的书 so relative competence as well as externally other-determined相比较而获得的能力感，以及取决于外界

So if I bring in a book and write a book又假设我写了一本书

and I have high independent self-esteem我是一个高度独立型自尊的人

I write it and I evaluate it myself.我写了书，我自己评价

"this is good work,"or "this is not so good",“这是一本好书”或者“这本书不怎么样”

needs improvement需要修改

In terms of comparison,在比较方面

I compare to myself "I've improved a lot since I started writing"我跟自己比较“我比起刚开始写时进步了很多”

This book is actually better than my previous book这本书比我之前一本要好

My work has become more authentic,more real我的书写的更真实了 That's independent self-esteem evaluation这是独立型自尊的评价

Unconditional self-esteem,无条件型的自尊

the highest level that we know of;是我们所知的最高层次的自尊

I write a book and I'm not concerned about evaluation,我写了一本书，我不在乎评价

whether it's good or bad of course ,I want to be better and better,不管它是好是坏，我当然想变得越来越好

but that doesn't affect how I feel about myself但这并不影响我对自己的感觉

I simply exist我就是我

I write the book;I'm in a state of flow,我写了这本书，我处于心流状态 experiencing the experience我体验这种经历

In terms of whether it's better than others至于这本书是不是比别人的好

or better than I've written it doesn't matter或者比我以前写的好，这都不重要

What I'm happy about 我高兴的是

What makes me happy is bringing a good book into existence我写成了一本书

And I would be as happy如果别人也写了一本书

if someone else wrote the book我也回同样替他感到高兴

I'd be as happy or happier that someone else wrote a better book 别人写了一本更好的书，我会同样高兴，甚至更高兴

that can help others more这本书更能帮助到人

Important thing to understand about this model这个模型有很重要的一点需要明白的

The three levels is that we will all have all three basically from a very young age我们从很小的年纪开始就有这三层自尊

It's not that the Dalai Lama or Mother Teresa 并非只有达赖喇嘛或特蕾莎修女

or Nelson Mandela or Margaret Mead 曼德拉或者玛格丽特米德 that people who we know have been 这样的名人

are self-actualized才是自我实现的人

It's not that they don't care about what other people say他们并不在乎别人的看法

However, they are mostly,但他们

most of their lives ,most of the time,大部分的时候

self-determined do what they believe in都是自决的，做自己相信的事 Feel a sense of connection to others,和人相互联系

want to make the world a better place想让世界变得更美好 But it's not that they don't care但他们并非不在乎

It's not that they don't evaluate themselves relative to themselves 并非他们评价自己时不会跟自己比较

or relative to others也不会跟他人比较

That's part of human nature这是人的天性

My error,when I started with this research我犯过一个错误，当我开始这个研究时

Was that I said to myself我跟自己说

"OK,I just want to have independent"好的，我想要独立型自尊

And later when I understood what unconditional self-esteem当后来我明白无条件型自尊是什么时

I said ,"well,I want to have unconditional self-esteem"我说“我想要无条件型自尊”

And I situated those two on the good side 我把这两种自尊列为好的 and dependent self-esteem,bad把依赖型自尊列为坏的

And what then happened?结果呢

It only intensified my dependency on others只加剧了我对他人的依赖 Because when we fight nature因为当我们有违天性时

Nature fights back and we can't win天性就会跟我们作对，我们赢不了 You know,it's like going back to the second class就像第二节课一样 If I say to myself如果我跟自己说

"Tal,don't be nervous,don't be nervous ,don't be anxious." Tal 别紧张，别紧张，别心急

What happens?the pink elephants begin to come out结果呢？我看到粉红色大象出来了

And I become even more anxious and more nervous我变得更焦虑更紧张了

Whereas I accept it is part of my nature但当我接受这种天性时 Let it be permission to be human放任它，不强求自己

It loses a lot of its vitality and force and control它就顿时威力大减 Because I can say因为我可以说

"OK,Yes ,I care that this person didn't like my book,好的，这个人不喜欢我的书，我无所谓

didn't like my class"不喜欢我的课，无所谓

And I accepted it,it's nature,it hurts me我接受它，这是天性，我会伤心 I would much rather that they all like it我当然想他们都喜欢 But I can move on then,and said但转念一想，我就想通了

"OK,what would the most authentic life that I can lead"我要怎样才能活出自我

How can I the teacher who is known as opposed 我作为一个老师要怎样才能被了解

To constantly concerned about validation?而不是整天想着得到别人的认同

Active acceptance.Revisited积极接受，回顾一下

Accepting my nature and then deciding接受我的天性，然后决定 What would the most appropriate action to take 最合适的做法是什么 One of the ,my role model is Warren Bennis我的榜样之一是Warren Bennis

Warren Bennis has done a lot of research and a lot of speaking

Warren Bennis在领导才能这个领域

And a lot of work in the area of leadership做过很多研究，演讲和工作 He teaches audit in University of Southern California他先在南加州大学旁听课

Was before he was at Harvard and MIT后来才来哈佛和麻省理工

And he came to Harvard Business School for three years他来哈佛商学院教了三年

And the first year as a visiting professor第一年，作为客座教授 The first year I took his class第一年我上了他的班

Which was an extraordinary experience一次非常特别的经历 The second year when he taught it第二年，他教那个班时

I was his teaching assistant我当了他的助教

And I used to work a lot with him and interact with him 我经常和他一起工作互动

And was constantly amazed by Warren我经常为Warren折服

Warren ,at the time was 80 years old,now he's 83 Warren当时80岁，他现在83岁了

Would walk into the room and the room would light up他走进教室时，整个教室亮了起来

It was his smile,his posture,his openness他的微笑，姿势，直率 His expressiveness他丰富的表达

Was there about his interacting with people都是为了和同学们发生互

动

And making the other person just by being there他的一举一动让其他人

Feel better about themselves 对自己感觉更好了

And he was confident and strong他自信坚强

And what I would classify as self-actualized as person我把这样的人视为自我实现的人

With very high unconditional self-esteem他有很高的无条件自尊

And we became very close and he helped me in many areas我们走的很近，他在很多方面给了我帮助

Most of all just by being himself .me observing him最大的帮助就是活出自我，我观察他

Learning from him ,assimilating what he had to give the world学习他，吸收他给这个世界带来的东西

And what he was giving day in and day out吸收他每天给数百万读他书的人

To thousands and millions of people who have read his book听他演讲的人

Who has been to his lectures 和他有过接触的人

Who've had the privilege of interacting with him所带来的知识 And one day after a couple of years几年后，有一天

I was his TA我是他的助教

And we were close我们的关系很亲近

I said to him 我跟他说

Warren ,how is it that you are like this ?“Warren，你是怎么变成现在这样的？”

how is it that you are like this ?你是怎么变成现在这样的？

And his response was put his hand on my shoulder他的回应时，把手放在我的肩膀

Looked at me with his clam看着我，带着一个平静

Accepting ,giving smile and said 接受，慷慨的微笑，说

Tal,I wasn't always like this “Tal，我不是一出生就这样的”

And that's where he left it他就只说了这一句

And this is what I needed to hear这就是我需要听到的答案 Because in his response因为在他的回答里面

Where two very important many more有很多重要的信息

But two very important messages而最重要的两个信息是

The first message is that it evolves第一个，他是慢慢进步成这样的 It take time ;you don't become third level需要时间，你不会在20岁的时候，或者40岁时

Self-actualized individual overnight at the age of 20一夜之间，去到第三层自尊

Or even at the age of 40变成一个自我实现的人

It takes time ;it takes works;it takes self-awareness需要时间，需要下工

夫

It takes falling down and getting up 需要一次次跌倒和站起来 Learning to fail学会失败

Then learning from the failure然后从失败中学习

It takes learning to accept oneself需要学习接受自己

It takes being open and being vulnerable and making mistakes需要敞开心扉，接受伤害，犯错

It takes being human ,fully human需要做一个彻彻底底的人 I was not always like this我不是一出生就这样的

The second message that I got from this 他的回答中第二个信息是 Is that Warren was genuine他很真诚

He was real.He didn't say to me他很真实，他没有跟我说

"oh Tal,stop" “tal，别夸我”

Not really,come on ,thank you我也不是很厉害，过奖了

But no他没这样

He was real ,he knows his worth他很真诚，他知道自己的价值 He's confident他自信

There was no false modesty involved他没有虚伪的谦虚

And it reminded me这让我想起

That when I started to think about self-esteem当我开始思考自尊时 And the true meaning of self-esteem自尊的真正意义

As you read in Branden's work Branden的著作中所写的意义

By the way ,he had Nathaniel Branden are good friends对了，他和Branden是好朋友

When I started reading Branden当我开始读Branden的著作时

And when I realized what real self-esteem was about当我明白真正的自尊是什么时

I realized that people with high levels of self-esteem are modest我明白有高自尊的人都是谦虚的

You don't have the need to show off你不需要显摆

You know ,arrogance你们知道，自大

Narcissism is the exact opposite of self-esteem自恋是自尊的对立 Hubris ,foolish pride is the exact opposite目中无人，自以为是

Of what a true sense of self is跟真正意义上的自我感是完全对立的 So when I understood that所以当我明白了这点以后

One of my important goals was to become我的一个重要目标就是变得 More importantly to be modest谦虚，最重要的目标

And it was incredibly important for me 所以我越来越觉得

That everyone knows how modest I was要让大家都知道我很谦虚

You know.Francis Bacon,the British philosopher英国哲学家Francis Bacon说

Said that modesty is but another form of ostentation谦虚不过是换了个法子在显摆而已

And for me that certainly was the case这句话用在我身上最合适不过了

It's not always the case但对别人来说不总是这样

I think Warren Bennis is modest and truly modest我认为Warren Bennis 是真正的谦虚

I think Nelson Mandela我认为曼德拉

When he is being modest,he really is modest当他谦虚时候，他是真正的谦虚

But the question is :how do you get to that level of modesty?但问题是，你怎样才能达到那种层次的谦虚

And you get to this level of modesty by being authentic你要达到那种层次的谦虚，方法就是活出自我

By being real活得真实

By going through the process走完这个过程

And the process in many ways as we described last time这个过程就像我们上节课说的那样

Is like learning how to walk就像学习走路

Initially when we are born我们刚出生时

We have no idea what walking even is我们连走路是什么都不知道 Then later on但慢慢地

We are able to get up我们能站起来

But we need support either of another person但我们需要别人扶着 Or something to lean on或者靠着什么东西

And we take our first precarious steps around a desk ,for example例如，

我们靠着桌子小心的走出第一步

And after a while we can walk without help慢慢的我们我们可以自己走了

But we are still think about every step但我们还是要想着每一步怎么迈 And we fall down and get up again我们跌倒了就再爬起来

Learn to fail or fail to learn学会失败，或者一错再错

And then we continue walking然后我们继续走

And we are very conscious of how we pick up this leg我们心里想着怎么抬起这条腿

When you watch a baby learn how to walk当你观察婴儿学走路时 It's fascinating会觉得很神奇

So many things have come together for this simple他们需要调动很多东西才能完成

Seemingly simple action这么简单的一个动作

And then after a while 过了一段时间后，

The baby becomes more confident婴儿变得更自信了

And she begins to run他开始跑了

And she no longer has to think about walking or running 她不在想着怎么走或跑

Because then she naturally因为她自然地

She simply walks就会走了

Same with the sense of self:initially自我感也是这样，一开始

We have no sense of self我们没有自我感

There's no differentiation between the "me" and the mom区分不开“我”和妈妈

Or other objects in the world或者世界上其他物件

Gradually,we develop a sense of self慢慢地我们发展出自我感

But that sense of self is completely dependent但这个自我感是完全依赖外界的

Physically as well as psychologically不管是身体上还是心理上 We are dependent on our parents我们都依赖于父母

Significant adults重要的大人

Older sibling哥哥或姐姐

And then after a while 然后过了一段时间

That usually happens when we are teenagers通常是到我们进入青春期后

We begin to assert our independence我们开始获得独立

That's when we begin to desire这时候我们开始渴望

Want to hear our own voice听到自己的声音

Want to make our own voice heard想让别人听到自己的声音 That's the difficult teenage years青春期这段时间很难

Difficult for the teenager 对青少年来说难

Difficult for the parent对父母来说也难

But it's natural但这是自然的

It's part of evolution是进化的必经步骤

And we need our boundaries at that time这时候我们需要我们的界限 And at the same time但同时

We need to sometimes break boundaries我们有时候又需要打破界限 We need to test reality我们需要试探现实

Assert ourselves确定自我

And then over time然后随着时间过去

When we do that如果我们这么做

Over time we begin a new process simultaneously随着时间过去，我们同时开始一个新过程

And that is the process of real differentiation这个过程就是真正的分化 Where the independent self so strong这时候独立的自我变得太强烈 That we are able to connect to others as well我们能够和他们联系

Once again,going back to relationship再一次，引用回讲恋爱课的内容 Nathaniel Branden :the more independent we become Nathaniel Branden 说过，我们越独立

The more interdependent we can be我们就越互相依存

And then we evolve and that takes a long time然后我们进步，这需要很长时间

And if we have missed out on the dependent side for example如果我们没有依赖的一面，例如

If we didn't get any accolades and any praise如果我们年少时没有得到

任何赞扬

And unconditional self-regard in the words of Carl Rogers或者用 Carl Rogers的话来说无条件的

When we are younger自我关注

Then we have that need remember the model of epigeneti我们就会有这个需要，回忆一下那个渐成模型

We can't jump over a stage我们不能跳过一层

And very often it would take a therapist通常我们需要一个治疗师

To provide us with unconditional self-regard帮助我们找到无条件的自我关注

So that we can go to the next level 这样我们就能达到下一层 Or we need a relationship或者我们需要一段关系

Or relationship where we cultivate unconditional self-regard或几段关系帮助我们培养无条件的自我关注

So that we can go to the next stage这样我们就能到达下一层 And if we were如果。。。。。

When we were teenagers如果我们在青少年时期

Constantly told to be quiet 不停的有人叫我们安静

To be behave ,prevented from asserting ourselves守规矩，阻止我们确立自我

Being ourselves活出自我

Then we are unlikely to get to the next level 那么我们就不能顺利的

In a smooth way到达下一层

And then very often later on in life we need to do通常在以后的生活里，我们需要做到的事就是

That first to assert ourselves首先要确立自己

Like teenagers did or do就像青少年那样

So that we can make it to the next level这样就能到达下一层

But regardless this is not a smooth transition 但不管怎样，这个过程不会顺顺利利

why?Because there no perfect parent parents为什么，因为天下没有完美的父母

Because there is no perfect environment因为天下没有完美的成长环境 There are no perfect teachers and for us to evolve naturally没有完美的老师帮助我们自然顺利的

And smoothly through the stages通过这些阶段

It's just unrealistic这是不现实的

Doesn't exist,not here on earth在地球上不存在

And then we evolve over time through the hardships 我们在艰苦中随着时间进步

Through the difficulties克服困难

Making mistakes,falling犯错，跌倒

Getting up again再爬起来

Gradually the interdependent self慢慢地独立的自我

The unconditional self-esteem emerges无条件的自尊开始浮现 And we feel much more comfortable in our skin我们对自己更有信心 Maslow said that he didn't find people Maslow 说他没见过

Below the age of 45 who were self-actualized有45岁以下就自我实现的人

And even those self-actualized people即使是那些自我实现的人 Still have remnants of independent仍然残留的一丝丝独立型自尊 As well as dependent self-esteem和依赖型自尊

It never really goes away这种自尊是不会彻底消失的

But it's only weaker now但它这时候变弱了

It's not dominant ;it's not what they are about它不占主导地位，这时候的人不在执着于

The next accolade,the next praise获得更多的赞扬

Being devastated when someone doesn't like them当别人不喜欢他们时就伤心欲绝

Being devastated when they are not the best当自己不是最好时就伤心欲绝

They accept it .they say他们接受了，他们会说

"O,it would be nice to win this "赢了固然是好，赢不了也无所谓 And then they move on然后他们会继续前进

And they ask他们会问

How can I make the world better place?我怎样才能让世纪变得更美好

How can I be a conduit for positive emotions?我怎样把积极情绪带给别人

Maslow didn't find anyone below the age of 45 Maslow 没见过45岁以下自我实现的人

Schnarch talks about how it's in the 50s and 60s Schnarch说要到五六十岁时

That the individuals become differentiated人才分化

And where the highest potential for passion is within a relationship才到酝酿出一段关系中最高层次的感情

It takes time需要时间

I was not always this way我不是一生下来就这样的

It was not always like this as Bennis pointed out 正如Bennis指出一生下来就这样的，

Very important lesson非常重要的一个道理

Many people ask about the universal nature of this theory很多人都问这个理论是不是放之四海皆准

Because you know independence is very much因为你们知道，独立 Or individualism is very much a Western construct或者说个人主义，是西方文化

Or American ,West European construct或者说美国文化，西欧文化 You know you go to Africa very different如果你去非洲，这会很不同 The concept of we of a group群体的概念

Is much more central to who they are比个体的概念更重要 You go to Asia如果大家去亚洲

The concept of the we,collectivism“我们”的概念，集体的概念

The group is much more central to who they are群体的概念比个体的概念更重要

So what about other areas?那在其他地方呢？

Is this a Western centric theory?这是一个专属西方的理论吗？ And the answer is "not necessarily"答案是不一定

You see ,if our goal is to become fully actualized如果我们的目标是完全自我实现

Or to strive toward that或者用Rogers的话来说

To be in the process of becoming a person在成为一个人的过程中 In the words of Rogers向着这个目标奋进

Then the final那么最后

That final stage of interdependence is same in all cultures互相依存这个最后阶段对所有文化来说都一样

All cultures value it所有文化都重视这一点

They value it just the same他们同样重视这一点

The process may look different for a person in Japan不同文化的人，这个过程可能看起来不同

And for a person in United States日本人，美国人

For a person in Israel or Egypt埃及人以色列人

Compared to a person living in Zimbabwe津巴布韦人，都不相同 The process may look different这个过程看起来不同

However ,it will have many similarities但它有很多相同之处

Remember I talked about the Dalai Lama on the third class or so 我在第三节课时讲过达赖喇嘛

Who said that one of the problems he sees in Western psychology他说他发现西方心理的一个问题是

Is that we focus too much on cultural differences 我们太着重文化差异了

And again ,Dalai Lama is very达赖喇嘛是一个

Extremely sensitive culturally文化触觉非常敏锐的人

But he says there are differences ;we need to study them他说差异确实存在，我们需要学习他们

At the same time 但与此同时

We need to study even more so the similarities我们更需要学习相同之处

That which brings us together正是这些相同之处把我们联合起来 That unites us团结起来

And there are a lot of similarities而且相同之处多不胜数

And hopefully soon there'll be more and more research希望不久的将来会有越来越多人研究

On this topic applying it to different cultures and twigging这个话题，并

把它应用于不同的文化中

And seeing how it relates outside the Western tradition看看它与西方文化以外的世界有什么联系

because most of the research that I'll mention in a minute因为等一下我提到的大部分研究

Has been done in United States都是在美国做的

Some of them in UK有一些是在英国

Will be interesting to see what the process looks like elsewhere如果能看看别的地方这个过程是如何，那会很有趣

But at its core ,at its core但它的核心是

It is much more similar than different相似多余差异

Why is it important to be independent?为什么独立很重要？

Why is that we should strive for this evolution?为什么我们要奋力达到独立阶段

Shouldn't we stay of the conformity为什么我们不应该遵从他人 Dependence level?依赖外界

Now I will argue and the research我的理由，以及很多的研究结果 Shows as well as historical incidents show that还有很多历史事件都表明

It is important to cultivate independence as a way培养独立是我们培养相互依存的

To cultivate interdependence一个重要途径

First of all首先

Because of moral behavior因为道德行为

If you think about the worst atrocities throughout history如果大家想想历史上最可怕的暴行

the worst atrocities throughout history历史上最可怕的暴行 Were conducted by people conforming正是那些遵从他人

By obedience to authority 服从权威的人犯下的

And by racist or ethnocentric beliefs and behaviors那些种族主义或民族主义的信念和行为导致的

Now look at these three things that I just现在来看看我刚才提到的三件事

Obedience to authority a person 服从权威 一个人

With high dependence self-esteem如果有很高的依赖型自尊 Is much more likely to be obedient就越有可能服从

To an authority figure权威人物

Why?Because he or she seeks accolades为什么？因为这样的人寻求赞扬

They seek approval他们寻求认同

They don't feel strong enough themselves他们没有强烈的自我感

They need that very charismatic leader to tell them他们需要一个有魅力的领袖告诉他们

"Oh ,you are fine,you are OK,you are superior"你真棒，你真厉害，你太

了不起了

Because that's where their sense of self is dependent on因为他们的自我感依赖于这些赞扬

Because we are much more likely to conform to what a group is doing如果我们需要不停地获得群体的赞扬

If we need constantly the accolades of that group我们就更可能遵循群体的做法

You think about the Milgram experiment大家想想Milgram的实验 You think about Asch experiments Asch的实验

Those of you who've taken Psych 15,or Psych 1上过第15节和第1节的同学

You think about racism.what is racism?大家想想种族主义？什么是种族主义

Racism is about comparison and wanting to assert superiority种族主义就是通过比较一些外在因素

On the base of some external factor来证明自己高人一等

In other words换言之

I'm not good enough as I am我本身不够好

You know ,to prove how good I am 证明不了我有多好

I have to compare myself to another 我必须那自己和别人比较

Whether I choose you know ,place of residence我可以比较居住的地方 Whether I choose upbring比较成长教育

Whether I choose the color of the skin比较肤色

It's about relative competence它的中心是相对能力感

Whereas people who are independent但是独立的人

Don't have the need or have less of that need for comparison没有这种比较的需要或者说这种需要没有那么强烈

As well as less of that need to conform遵循他人的需要也没有那么强烈

They are true to principles他们坚持原则

Their own principles他们自己的原则

Now this is not a panacea但原则并不是万灵药

This is not always good原则并不总是好的

Because I'm sure there are also Nazis因为纳粹分子

Who are true to their principles也很坚持自己的原则

But as I'll show later in research但我等一下讲的研究

Those who are true to their principles are more likely表明坚持原则的人更可能

To follow their heart听从自己的心

And unless their heart is damaged只要他们的心没有受伤

I mean that in a true sense of the word,damaged 我说的受伤是一个比喻

They will seek to do good他们会追求做好事

They will seek to help他们会追求帮助他人

Their levels of empathy will increase他们的移情会增加

And this is the paradox of empathy这种移情的矛盾

It's actually when we cultivate empathy当我培养移情时

Or rather when we cultivate或者说当我们培养

For lack of a better term实在找不到更好的词

And I actually don't want to use a new term我也不想用一个新词 When we cultivate self-love当我们培养自爱时

When we cultivate self-esteem当我们培养自尊时

That's when we are mostly likely我们就会更有可能变得

To be empathic and to love others富有同情心 爱别人

Look at the golden rule大家想想黄金原则

Love your neighbors as you love yourself要像爱自己一样爱你的邻居 What does that在这个原则里

What is the prerequisite of loving your neighbor?爱你的邻居的先决条件是什么

The self爱自己

You are the standard你就是标准

We are the standard of how we evaluate others我们自己是我们评价他人的标准

Because our behavior toward others very often因为我们怎样对待他们经常

Not always 不是通常

Very often mirrors our behavior toward ourselves但经常都反应了我们怎样对待自己

So people cultivate independent sense of self所以那些培养独立自我感的人

Who have a strong self identity are better able to identify with others那些有强烈自我认同的人，更能认同别人

In addition to moral behavior除了道德行为以外

Better cognitive performance you see还会有更好的认知表现

People who have a strong dependent self-esteem有强烈依赖型自尊的人

Or are primarily driven by what other people say或者说行动主要由他人言论决定的人

Will follow the rule that has already been taken会遵行别人在遵循的规矩

They will,can potentially be great mechanics他们很可能变得就像一台机器一样

Because they'll work hard for these accolade因为他们会为了得到赞扬而努力

And that's a good thing ,to work hard 努力是好事

But they'll basically remain within the box但他们不会打破陈规

Whereas the people who have a stronger sense of independent self-esteem而有强烈独立型自尊的人

Think outside the box就会打破陈规

Choose the path that hasn't already been taken选择别人没有走过的道路

That doesn't mean that they can't walk in the path但这并不代表他们不会选择

That has been taken别人已经走过的路

If that is what they really只是这是他们真正

Really want to do with their lives真正想要的生活就行了

So you know it's just as much sign of dependence when we say 所以如果我们说“别人说走东，我偏偏走西”

Well,I am gonna do the opposite of what everyone else does这同样也是依赖型的

Because I'm still dependent on what everyone else does因为我的行为还是取决于他人

So that's not independent self-esteem所以这不是独立型自尊 That's just more dependence而是依赖型自尊

But if I sit down and I say如果我坐下说

Ok, what do I really ,really want to do with my life ?好的，我该证明过我的人生？

And I think about it truly我很认真的想

Put myself in a world that no one would know what I wae doing把自己置身于一个没有人知道我在做什么的世界

I'm much more likely to identify that thing which is my passion我会更可能找到我的爱好

My core ,my calling be it in investment banking我的核心，我的使命，也许是在投资银行工作

Or work in the Unilu也许是在Unilu工作

It doesn't matter这并不重要

The question is "what is the source of that"问题是“我的动力是什么” Person with independence self-esteem is committed to continuous learning有独立型自尊的人活到老学到老

Remember the John Carlton's study what differentiated the HBS grades回忆一下John Carlton'的研究，在哈佛商学院的毕业中

The extraordinary ones from the rest优等生与别的学生之间的区别就是

Was that ,they were always asking questions他们总是问问题 They always wanted to learn more他们总是想学更多

They didn't get out of you know他们不会

Graduate from college or graduate from business school从大学或商学院毕业后

Or from a PHD program或者读完博士

Or whatever it is ,and say诸如此类的学位后，说

"OK ,I know enough "我懂得够多了

Or "Now I'm a manager;now I'm the leader"现在我是经理了，现在我是

领导了

I'll tell people how they should我会告诉人们应该做什么

This is the amazing thing about Warren Bennis这是Warren Bennis的一个优点

He's always asking questions他总是问问题

He's always interested in what people are doing他对别人做的事感兴趣 He's always learning他总是在学习

Happiness,levels of happiness are higher我等一下会给大家看一个研究 And I'll show you the research in a minute当我们有独立型自尊时

When we experience a sense of independent self-esteem我们的幸福感会更高

We are much calmer when we don't constantly我们会更平静，我们不会不停地

Have to prove ourselves to others向别人证明自己

It is enervating to constantly be on the guard总是处于警惕状态是一件很劳心劳力的事

Is this person gonna like me?How do I gain their validation这个人会喜欢我吗？我怎么得到他们的认同？

We are much calmer when we say当我们这样想的时候，我们会平静 Let me express myself让我表达自己

And yes it may hurt me没错，我也许会受伤

It will hut me ,if they don't like me如果他们不喜欢我，我会伤心

That's ok,I'm resilient没问题，我承受得住

I'm strong ,I can deal我很坚强，我可以接受

Much calmer sense of being存在感更平静了

When we express rather than constantly try to impress当我们表达自己，而不是时刻想着表现自己

Imagine how much lighter our lives can be想象一下我们的生活会变得多轻松

If ,when we are here如果，当我们在教室时

Or when we walk out of here或者当我们走出教室时

We experience the sense of being我们感受到这种存在感

More and more of the time越来越多的

Again ,not perfectly重申一次，不是完全的

Because that's not human因为这有违人的天性

But more and more of the time to just be,to exist当我们可以越来越多的单纯的存在

To celebrate our existence and the existence as a whole 感激我们的存在，作为一个整体存在

Let me show with you just some of the research我给大家讲几个研究 There hasn't been a lot这样的研究不是很多

And I wanna share with you just some of the work I did for我想给大家讲我做的一些研究

As part of my PHD and a little bit beyond是我读博士学位时做的，后来

还继续做了一点

The first research that was really able to deal with第一个研究是关于 The paradox of self-esteem自尊的矛盾

Of how some people get so much accolade也就是说，有人得到很多赞扬

And yet their self-esteem decreases 但他们的自尊下降了

Or how some people have high self-esteem or hostile而那些有很高自尊的人，有些有敌对情绪

Versus others that are generous and benevolent但有些却对别人宽厚仁慈

The first research that wae done was by Kernis第一个研究是Kernis做的

Who back in 1995 came up with the concept of self-esteem stability他在19xx年提出了自尊稳定性这个概念

And he said what actually can predict他说，真正能够预测

Whether a person will be hostile or generous一个人究竟是敌对还是宽厚

Whether their self-esteem over time will be high他们的自尊会随着时间增高

Or whether it will lower over time is not a self-esteem per se还是降低的，不是自尊本身

But rather is the stability of their self-esteem而是自尊的稳定性

And what he showed he followed people他发现，他追踪实验对象 You know ,for example ,for a week or two weeks例如，一两周

And he would measure their state rather than trait他会测评他们的状态自尊而不是特质自尊

Their state self-esteem at the time他们当时的状态自尊

So there were certain people who 有些人

If this is the self-esteem level假设这里是自尊水平

And this is time 这里是时间

There were people whose self-esteem at this point在某个时间，有些人的自尊在这里

Was here and then the next day然后第二天

Here and then here在这里，然后这里

And then here again ,and then,here然后又回到这里，这里 And here and here这里。。。

And he measured ,let's sa,ten times假设他测了10次

And what he wanted to see他想测出

To measure the standard deviation of the spread这些数据分布的标准偏差

How close was it?how stable was it?它有多接近？多稳定？ So this would be someone with假设这个人

Maybe on average平均来说

High self-esteem有很高的自尊

But with a lot of fluctuations但有很多起伏

Other people were more like this有些人则像这样

Again,ups and downs也是起起伏伏

But sometimes large fluctuations有时是很大的起伏

But overall 但总体来说

Pretty stable很稳定

Same level of self-esteem同样水平的自尊

Trait self-esteem特质自尊

But state self-esteem fluctuated far less但状态自尊的起伏少了很多 And what he showed was that it wae the stability他发现，是自尊的稳定性

Rather than self-esteem per se that determined而不是自尊本身，决定了

Whether or not a person would be hostile or benevolent一个人是敌对还是仁慈

People with unstable self-esteem自尊不稳定的人

Were more likely to be hostile 更可能充满敌对情绪

People with more stable self-esteem而自尊更稳定的人

Were more likely to be generous and benevolent更可能宽厚仁慈 Resolving a lot of the contradictions 这就解释了自尊理论的 Misunderstanding in the literature很多矛盾和误解

When I saw this ,I had a eureka当我看到这个理论时，我顿悟了

Personal eureka experience亲身体验到的一次顿悟

And I said我说

This is it!he's onto something就是它了，他找到答案了

And what I did in my master's thesis back in 2000我在20xx年写我的硕士论文的时候

Was created a questionnaire我设计了一个问卷

A very simple questionnaire that measured dependent versus一个很简单的问卷，测量了依赖型自尊

Independent self-esteem和独立型自尊的对比

And I measures students 我测评学生

Mostly Harvard students I did also cross sectional in Singapore大部分是哈佛学生，我还在新加坡做了代表性抽样调查

I wae spending a lot of time there at the time similar results我那时经常在新加坡，得出同样的结果

Asia and here亚洲和美国一样

At least in Singapore and in United States至少新加坡和美国一样 And what I found was dependent self-esteem我发现，依赖型自尊 Was associated with instability与不稳定性有关

Independent self-esteem was associated with stability而独立型自尊与稳定性有关

In other words换言之

I came up with one measure that instead measuring ten times我只测量

了一次，而不是十次

Whether that kind of self-esteem would lead to hostility到底这种自尊会导致敌对情绪

Anxiety ,versus calmness or generosity焦虑还是平静或宽厚 I used just one measure我只用了一个测量数据

And that's what I found我发现

Very high correlation between dependent self-esteem依赖型自尊与自尊不稳定性

And self-esteem instability高度相关

Positive correlation两者成正比

And a positive correlation between independent self-esteem而独立型自尊和自尊稳定性

And self-esteem stability也成正比

Then some of my students at the time did research on it当时我的一些学生也做了一些研究

For example ,Mellisa Christino例如Mellisa Christino

Who you will meet 你们会在这门课上

At least some of her writing later on in this class看到她写的一些东西 Did her senior thesis as an undergrad here她本科时写的毕业论文

On showing the connection between independent self-esteem and happiness就是表明独立做自尊和快乐

And independent self-esteem and flow独立型自尊与心流的关系

Those who had high independent self-esteem那些有高度独立型自尊的人

Were most likely to experience flow on athletic field最有可能在运动场上体验到心流

Which is where her research was Harvard athletics因为这就是她的研究对象，哈佛运动员

Also connected to high levels of happiness高度独立自尊的人也有更高的幸福感

Then my dissertation was trying to pin down these exact characteristics我的论文是想准确的找出

That were problematic in self-esteem literature自尊理论存在的问题 Remember,high self-esteem means narcissism我说过，高度自尊意味着自恋

How do you differentiate?怎么区分这两者？

Well ,what I found in the dissertation was that我在论文里发现

Narcissism is connected actually to high dependent self-esteem自恋其实是与高度依赖型自尊有关

There was no correlation between independent self-esteem and narcissism而自恋与独立型自尊没有什么关系

When it comes to generosity至于宽厚

This was probably the most surprising result of the study这也许是研究中最令人意外的结果

People with independent self-esteem有独立自尊的人

Were actually more generous and benevolent其实更宽厚仁慈

Both in terns of self report and in terms of their actual behavior不仅自我报告如此，对他人的行为也是如此

Toward other people a strong sense of self非常强烈的自我感

Remember ,love your neighbor as you love yourself我说过，像爱自己一样爱你的邻居

Do not do unto others which you would not have done to yourself己所不欲勿施于人

And when you have a high standard for the self当你对自我有了一个高标准时候

There is a high standard for the other对他人也会有一个高标准 And that actually happens automatically通常这是无意识的发生的 Because we mirror our behavior toward the "I"因为我们怎么对待他人就会怎么对待自自己

And then hostility还有敌对情绪

No correlation between hostility and self-esteem per se敌对情绪与自尊本身没有关系

Because some people have 因为有些

With high self-esteem ,have high levels of hostility有高度自尊的人有很高的敌对情绪

Some people with high self-esteem have levels of hostility但有些有高度

自尊的人，敌对情绪很低

And more generosity而且更宽厚仁慈

But dependent and independent self-esteem predicted hostility但依赖型和独立型自尊能预测敌对情绪

Those with high self-esteem that was mostly dependent那些有高度自尊的人，而且自尊主要是依赖型的

Were more likely ,not always ,not every person这样的人更可能。。。但也有例外，不是所有人都会这样

But on average ,were more likely to display hostility但平均来说，这样的人更可能表现出敌对

Those people with high self-esteem that is mostly independent而那些有高度自尊，而且主要是独立自尊的人

Were much more open ,cooperative and generous会更坦率，合作，宽厚

Perfectionism ,two of my students at that time完美主义，那时我有两个学生

Tiffany lgnaczyk and kate richey Tiffany lgnaczyk和 kate richey Who is a TF in this class他是这个班的助教

Did fantastic work showing the connection between perfectionism做了一个很优秀的研究，表明完美主义

And self-esteem how people with high independent self-esteem和自尊的关系，有高度独立型自尊的人

Were less likely to be perfectionistic 他们是完美主义者的可能性更低 Why ?because it is about self expression为什么？独立型自尊的人更注重表达自己

It's about constantly learning and growing注重学习和成长

And part of learning and growing而学习和成长

Is falling down and getting up again就必定要跌倒再爬起

No other way to learn学习只有这个途径

Whereas dependent self-esteem were more concerned而依赖型自尊更注重

The words of Mihnea Moldoveanu that I quoted last time我上节课引用Mihnea Moldoveanu说的话

We say we want the truth我们声称自己想要真相

What we mean is that we want to be correct但其实我们只是想自己是正确的

More dependent on how they perceived更依赖于他人的看法

More perfectionistic,more afraid of failure更完美主义，更害怕失败 So this applies also and we talked about before 这同样适用于。。。我们之前讲过

But I just want to point it out again to relationships但我想再说一次，适用于恋爱

That's work on the topic这也是David Schnarch

David Schnarch again where we talked about就这个课题所作的研究，

我们说过

How do we get the stage of being known我们怎么达到被了解的阶段 Rather than being validated而不是被认可的阶段

And that doesn't mean that at the age of 70 or 80 这并不代表在七八十岁时

When we are fully evolved当我们完全进化了

We don't enjoy or need at times the validation of our partner我们并不喜欢，或者不需要我们伴侣的认可

We do 我们需要

But at the same time 但同时

We are much more about self expression 我们更关心的是自我表达 Here is what David Schnarch has to say David Schnarch 是这样说的 Differentiation is your ability to maintain your sense of self分化是你维持自我感的能力

when your are emotionally and/or physically当你情绪上或身体上 Close to others与别人亲近

Especially as they become increasingly important to you 尤其是这些人变得对你越来越重要时

Differentiation permits you to maintain your own course分化使你维持自己的道路

When lovers ,friends当爱人，朋友

And family pressure you to agree and conform家庭向你施压，让你同意

和遵从时

Well-differentiated people can agree without feeling分化良好的人能够同意，但又不会觉得

Like they're "losing themselves"他们失去自我

And can disagree without feeling alienated and embittered能够不同意，但又不会觉得被排挤和难受

This is what being known is all about这正是被了解的含义

Being yourself ,being differentiated做你自己，分化出来

This is what independent self-esteem is 这就是独立型自尊的核心 This is what ultimately interdependence这是最高境界的相互依存的 Is all about 真谛

Easier said than done 说来容易做来难

But again it's very helpful to have that as a heuristic但用它来启发我们是非常有用的

The back of your mind在我们的潜意识里

To notice that it's happening当它发生时，能够注意到

Because at the age of 20因为在20岁这个年龄

You are also experiencing moments of interdependence你们也会经历相互依存的时刻

Real connection with a friend,family与朋友家人产生真正的联系

Just walking in the yard and admiring the beauty of it all走在后院里，欣赏美景

And these are precious moments that over time这些珍贵的时刻，随着时间过去

We can have more and more of 我们会有越来越多

If we follow the natural path 只要我们跟从这条自然的道路 The natural evolution自然的发展

Going back to the analogy of walking 继续用回走路那个比喻 I'm very often when we know these you know我经常，我们知道 Storied through history 历史上有很多故事

People were put in you know shoes有些人被迫穿上

That were too small for them or were not allowed to try and walk大小的鞋子或者被剥夺走路的自由

Such as very often the case was in Romanian under Ceausescu Ceausescu统治下的罗马尼亚就是这样

Where people were not allowed to develop naturally人们无法自然发展 When our natural development is hindered 当我们的自然发展被阻碍了

And it can be hindered这是有可能的

We don't evolve as we can 我们就不能如我们所能的那样发展

So the question is also on the psychological level所以在心理层面上也有这个问题

How can we evolve as we can ?and some of the tools我们怎样才能如我们所能地发展？你们在这个学期

That you learned throughout the semester所学到的一些方法 Whether it is the cognitive tool of learning不管是认知的学习方法 The permission to be human允许自己有人的天性

Or the tools that you can actually apply还是你们具体地运用的方法 Such as keeping a journal例如写日记

Such as exercising 做运动

Such as doing the gratitude exercise学会感恩

Such as meditating ,or doing yoga 冥想，练瑜伽

All these things as you'll see are ways 这些方法都是

Of becoming more self-actualized有助实现自我的方法

Of expediting the process他们能加速这个过程

And when we expedite the process当我们加速这个过程

It means that right here we are able to experience 就意味着此时此刻我们能够越来越多地

That sense of being much more often体验到那种存在感

We don't need to wait until we are 50 or 60 of 70我们不用再等到50.60或70岁

We can on that healthy journey way before that 我们可以早早的踏上那条健康的道路

So how do we do it ?how do we do it?那么我们该证怎么做？ Let me go back to the model 我们说回

We talked about when we discussed change 我们讲改变时讲过的那个

模型

And we talked about the ABC of change我们讲过改变的ABC Affect,behavior ,and cognition A是情感B是行为C时认知

And I mentioned that the most important approach to change 我们说过改变的最重要的方法

The most effective approach to change is the B ,the behaviour改变的最有效的方法是B行为

And I introduce this model of how attitudes change behavior我们用一个模型讲过态度如何改变行为

And in turn how behavior changes attitudes反过来行为如何改变态度 Remember self-perception theory大家回忆一下自我知觉理论

If you want to improve in one area in our lives如果你想在某个生活领域得到改善

The best thing to do is to behave as we would 最好的方法就是让自己的行为变得像改善了一样

If I want high self-esteem 如果我想要高度自尊

I need to behave like a person with high self-esteem behaves我的行为就要像一个有高度自尊的人

Why?Because self-esteem is simply an attitude为什么？因为自尊是一种态度

It's the attitude I have toward the self是我对自我的态度

It's the I evaluating the me是我对自己的评价

And to enhance that attitude 要提高这种态度

I need to engage or the most effective way我记说。。或者说最有效的办法

Not the only way不是唯一的办法

But the most effective way is to engage in behaviour of a person最有效的办法，就是表现出一个

With high self-esteem 有高度自尊的人的行为

Which is why it's so important to have role models所以榜样的作用很重要

And I'm saying that in plural我说的榜样不止一个

It's important to have role models有榜样，很重要

People we can look up to 我们可以学习这些人

And say 说

I want to have that chara.....我想有这样的性格

No ,I want to have the calm and the acceptance不，我想有warren bennis那样的

And the generosity of spirit that warren bennis has 平静包容和慷慨的精神

I want to have the passion我想有Marva Collins 身上的

For teaching that Marva Collins displays那种对教学的热爱

Integrate that aggregates of role models把榜样的所有优点综合起来 So that we can behave and over time achieve that attitude这样我们就

能有他们那样的行为并且慢慢的培养

That we are looking for我们追求的那种态度

So let me go over a few of them of how to enhance self-esteem 我来讲一下提高自尊的几个办法

We've discussed most 大部分都讲过了

So this is a good summary of some of the things that we went through 所以这也算是很好地总结一下我们讲过的内容

First ,people with high independent self-esteem generally首先，有高度独立型自尊的人通常

As we saw before from the research 正如我们之前从研究中看到的那样

Melissa Christino's research and others'包括Melissa Christino和其他人的研究

Are generally calmer他们通常更平静

So independent self-esteem is the attitude所以独立型自尊是一种态度 Calm is the behavior平静是一种行为

Which also means that who behave calmly也就是说，平静的人

Will increase over time independent self-esteem 他们的独立型自尊会随时间增加

And we see that in related research on meditation for example我们在和冥想相关的研究中看过，例如

On mindfulness正念冥想

As we induce more of it当我们越来越多的练习这种方法

Our self-esteem 我们的自尊

And it is the independent part of self-esteem 我们独立型的自尊 Because they are not about accolades因为它不需要赞扬

Oh,I meditated so well today我今天冥想得真好

Everyone ,clap大家给我鼓掌

It's not about that这不是这种自尊的重点

It's about inducing calm它的重点是带来平静

Being centered,being myself关注自己，活出自己

Or ,physical exercise又例如运动

Physical exercise induces calm运动能带来平静

Because it releases certain enzyme因为它在体内释放某种酶

Certain chemicals in the body so that over time 某些化学物质，这样随着时间过去

It actually strengthens our independent self-esteem indirectly它能直接增强我们的独立型自尊

Because behavior因为行为

Experiencing the calm leads to a changing attitude体验论文平静，导致态度的转变

Imagine that a spell of anonymity has been cast on you假设你中了一个无名咒语

From now on and for the rest of your life 从现在起你的余生里

No one will know what you are doing没有人会知道你做什么

No one but you will know how good you are 除了你自己，没有人知道你有多好

How generous you are 你有多宽厚

How benevolent you are 你有多仁慈

No one but you will know how wealthy and powerful除了你自己，没有人知道你有多富有有多强大

And important you are 你有多重要

You and you alone will know about all your accomplishments只有你自己知道你的成就

You and you alone will know about how ethical 只有你知道你有多好的操守

Moral and wonderfully you are 道德和性格

In such a world where a spell of anonymity has been cast on you 在这样的一个世界里，你中了无名咒语

What would you do ?你会怎么做

Familiar ,anyone ?what would you do ?有谁觉得怎么做吗？你们会怎么做？

Now as I mentioned in the response paper正如我在课后作业里提过那样

This does not mean that this is what I need to do 这并不代表我们在匿名世界里怎么生活

With my life ,what I would do in this anonymous world在现实世界里就应该怎么生活

What it is saying through is in such world这个方法的意义是，在这样一个世界里

Or doing this exercise 或者说做这样的练习

It can help us hone in他能磨练我们

On what we would do regardless of the accolades 在抛开赞扬和声望的情况下

And praise and prestige我们会怎么做

I do this exercise regularly as you know 我经常练习这个方法，大家知道

No exercise in this class that I assign to you is foreign to me在这个班上，我介绍给大家的方法，我都一一练过

I do them all我都练过

I'm going through this class just as you are我也像大家一样边上课边学习

And I do this class ,this regularly我会经常用这个方法

And for example ,when I did it as a graduate student here例如我在这里读研究生的时候

My response was that in such a world我当时的答案是那样的一个世界里

I actually would not get a PHD我可能连博士学位都拿不到

I would not get a PHD我不会拿到博士学位

Because it wasn't that pleasurable to me very meaningful因为读博对我来说不是一件愉快的事，虽然很有意义

But less pleasurable to me但没那么愉快

I wasn't that good at it我读的不是很好

Didn't feel like I was thriving不觉得我自己有什么惊人能力

But I also said to myself that in our world但我也跟自己说，在现实世界里

Not in that world where no one would know what I was doing不是那个没人知道我在做什么的世界

But in a world where people know what I'm doing而是在一个别人知道我在做什么的世界

I would a PHD in order to teach at a university我需要一个博士学位才能再大学任教

Which is why I continued and eventually got my PHD所以我继续学习，最终拿到了我的博士学位

I did this exercise just before I graduated我是在毕业前不久做这个练习的

And I was thinking about different areas to pursue 我当时在考虑不同的出路

And I said ,what would I do in such a world我想，在一个没有人知道我在干什么的世界里

Where no one would know what I was doing我会做什么

And the answer to that was I would teach我的答案是教书

The answer to that was I would not do research我的答案是我不会做研究

That was very clear 这是很肯定的

And that's when I decided to get out of the tenure track option所以那时候我决定放弃争取终身任期

Even though there was a lot of pressure on me from the outside即使当时外界，那些关心我的人

From people who cares about me给了我很大的压力

And they said "look ,two or three articles"他们说“再写两三篇文章” And you'll get into a great place ,and the tenure track你就能拿到一个很好的职位，争取终身任期

You can do it .you know your PHD,can be published你能做到的，你的博士论文可以发表

But I knew that wasn't the life that I wanted to lead但我知道我不想过那样的生活

Is there a price for it ?yes我要为此付出代价吗？要

I mean one of the price is that ,you know 其中一个代价就是

This is my second last class at Harvard这是我在哈佛的倒数第二节课了 But what kind of world但我想要什么样的世界

What kind of life did I want for myself我想过什么样的生活

And that exercise helped me hone on that这个方法帮助我找到了 What are you passions ?what you really你热爱什么？你真正 Really want to do with your life?想过的是怎么样的人生

Where do you see yourself 10years from now你希望10年后，20年后 Or 20years from now你会变成什么样？

What's really important for you?什么对你来说是重要的？

What's important for you什么对你来说是重要的

That you would do regardless of other people's approval就算没有别人的认同，点头赞扬和欢呼

Nods ,accolades or cheering反对或批评

Or disapproval,or criticism?你也会做的？

What would you do in such a world?你在这样一个世界里会做什么？ It's an important question to ask这是一个很重要的问题

People who experience那些。。。

Who have high independent self-esteem pursue their passions有高度独立型自尊的人会追求他们的兴趣

People who pursue their passions enjoy higher levels of self-esteem那些追求他们兴趣的人会有更高的自尊

People who enjoy a lot of flow那些有很多心流的人

Their independent self-esteem will increase as well他们的独立型自尊也会增加

Ask yourself :where do you experience flow?问问你自己“你什么情况下

体验过心流”

Where do you lose yourselves ?is it when you read?你什么时候忘我过？是你读书的时候吗？

Is it over dinner是坐在

When you are sitting next to your block mates?你队友旁边吃晚餐时吗？

Is it when you write?是你写作时吗？

Is it when you are standing in front of a class是你站在全班同学前面 Speak in an after school program?介绍一个课后活动时吗？ When do you experience it?你什么时候体验过？

When did you experience it in the past ?ask yourself你以前什么时候感受过心流？问问你自己

Because that very often is the best predictor of future flow因为它最能预测到你未来什么情况下会有心流

What kind of life do you want to lead?你想过什么样的人生？ What do you really ,really want to do?你真正想做的是什么？

People with high independent self-esteem put themselves on the line有高度独立型自尊的人会付诸行动

They cope ,they stretch themselves constantly他们会应对，不停地加强自己

Because they are always about learning and growing因为他们总是想学习成长

Improving making more of difference进步，发挥更大的作用 Touching more people 触及更多的人

And people who cope 那些应对的人

Remember ,self perception theory大家回忆一下自我知觉理论 People who cope over time 那些应对的人，随着时间过去

Will enjoy higher levels of independent self-esteem会获得更高的独立型自尊

Even if they fall while doing it 即使他们这样做的时候跌倒过 Even if she says no four times即使失败了四次

They get up again and they get stronger他们会重新站起来，变得更强大

And their independent self-esteem strengthens over time他们的独立型自尊会随着时间增强

The graph doesn't look just like this那个图并不是这样子的 The ups and downs with spikes起起伏伏有高有低

It looks with same ups and downs 真正的图是有起有伏

But with an upward trajectory of well being但健康快乐和自尊的走势 Happiness and self-esteem是呈上升趋势的

Humble behavior genuine humble behavior谦虚，真诚的谦虚 One of my favorite texts我最喜欢的一本书

And I think one of the most important texts in my tradition也是我的文化里最重要的一本书之一

Pirkei Avos ,the chapter of the fathers Pirkei Avos的《先贤箴言》 There's a sentence there里面有一句话

A proverb that I've been reading over and over and over again一句谚语，我读了一遍又一遍

And never could understand但我一直都参透不了

Until I heard an interpretation of well-known Rabbi直到我听到一个著名的拉比

Rabbi Mitchell Wohlberg about this interpretation拉比Mitchell Wohlberg 他对这句话的解释

And here is the sentence 这句话是这样说的

I;m translating:those who chase after honor我翻译过来：那些追逐荣誉的人

Honor will run away from them荣誉会躲避他们

Those who run away from honor那些躲避荣誉的人

Honor will chase them荣誉会追逐他们

Let me repeat:those who chase after 在说一次：那些追

Who chase honor追逐荣誉的人

Honor will run away from them荣誉会躲避他们

Those who run away from honor那些躲避荣誉的人

Honor will chase them荣誉会追逐他们

And it didn't make sense of to me until I put it in the context我一直都参透不了，直到我听到拉比Wohlberg

The result of the lecture by Rabbi Wohlberg of self-esteem关于自尊的一场演讲，并把它跟这句话结合起来理解

Honor is essentially honoring the self荣誉的本质是尊敬自己 Believing in one self相信自己

And if I 'm constantly about chasing honor如果我不停的追逐荣誉 The next accolade,the next prize追逐下一个赞扬，下一个奖 The next approval ,the next validation下一个认同，下一个认可 Then honor will run away from me荣誉就会躲避我

And then I'll have to push that stone up steeper下一次我就要在更陡的山坡上

Incline the next time把石头推上去

And I continue to chase that honor and I get there我继续追逐荣誉，等到我到达山顶

And then the rock rolls back down again石头又会滚下来

And sisphus continues on and on with the steep becoming柯林斯王即使要继续推石头，而山坡变得

With the incline becoming steeper越来越陡峭

Whereas if I run away from honor behave humbly相反，如果我躲避荣誉，言行谦虚

Over time honor ,true honor随着时间过去，真正的荣誉

Internally generated honor will chase me打心底发出的荣誉感就会追逐我

Behavior can change attitude 行为可以改变态度

It takes time 这需要时间

And again at the beginning 重申，一开始

As I mentioned to you before正如我之前说过

I wanted to be modest and I wanted everyone to know我想变得谦虚，我想大家都知道

How modest I was and how humble I was 我有多谦虚

And I understood that well我明白

That's not genuine那不是真诚的谦虚

But I can still behave and act in a humble way但我任然可以保持谦虚的言行

And over time 随着时间过去

It becomes more and more part of who we are他就会慢慢地融入我们 Behavior changing attitude doesn't happen overnight'行为不会一夜之间就改变态度

And again it doesn't mean that a person at 80但这并不意味着一个80岁

Who is evolved actualized does not look for honor at all完成进化，实现自我的人，不会追寻荣誉

Does not feel good when he or she is praised当他们被赞扬时，不会觉得高兴

That's natural part of who we are那是自然的，是人的天性

This is an important one 以下这个知识点很重要

We've talked about it a lot in the class about simplifying我们在班上经常讲简化生活

The.....那。。。。

I've often wondered the why is it that in a county我经常想，为什么在一个

Like the United States像美国这样的国家里

Such an individualistic country self-reliance一个追崇个人主义，自力更生的国家

Most of you read it in high school by Emerson大家在高中时候读了艾默生

So much about individualism and the self那么多关于个人主义和自我的书

Why is it that there's such high levels of conformity?为什么你们还是那么随波逐流？

Why is that so many people go on the path为什么那么多人还是走 That has been already taken and prescribed by others?以前很多人已经走过的路？

That doesn't mean that everyone who goes on te path conforms这并不意味着走这条路的人都是随波逐流

Again ,you can be highly conforming再一次，你可能很循规蹈矩

Choosing to work as a consultant to be a volunteer选择做一个顾问或者

在流浪者之家

At a homeless shelter做自愿者

You can be equally other determined or equally self determined你可能是取决于他人的，也可能是取决于自我的

It's not about choosing a particular path重点不在于选哪条路 But why did I 重点是为什么

Why do we see so many people who conform?我们会看到这么多随波逐流的人

And I think it's because of their right raise我想这是因为他们的成长教育

I think it's because people in the United States我想是因为美国人 Western world in general或者普遍来说，西方世界

Do not take enough time to reflect没有花足够的时间来反省 And to think about those questions such as思考这样的问题

What do I really ,really want to do with my life ?我真正想过的人生是怎么样的？

To ask questions such as问这样的问题

What would I do in a world whee no one would know 在一个没有人知道我在做什么的世界里

What I was doing?我会做什么？

To go through the three question process the meaning用三问法来问自己，意义

What is meaningful ?;what is pleasurable?什么有意义？什么让我快乐？

What do I enjoy ?and what am I good at我喜欢什么？我擅长什么？ What are my strengths?我的强项是什么？

To go through these questions and to ask问自己这些问题

Those important questions问这些重要的问题

Because when we take a step back and take the time因为当我们退后一步，慢慢思考

That's when we become ourselves 这时我们才能变成自我

That's when we identify the path that is right for me我们才能找到适合我们的道路

Let me illustrate this by showing you a stage model 我想用一个阶段模型来给大家讲解

And this is based on the work of Daniel Gilbert这时以Daniel Gilbert的研究为基础的

Indirectly refers to it his work on cognitive dizziness与他的认知眩晕研究有间接关系

And what he and others have shown is that他和其他人的研究发现 People behave very differently when they are cognitively busy当人的认知忙乱时候，他们匆匆忙忙时

When they are in a hurry 他们的行为会非常不同于

Versus when they have time当他们慢慢花时间

They can focus on whatever it is that they are doing专心思考一下他们所作的事时

So also connected to Tim Kasser's work on time affluence也跟Tim Kasser'的时间充裕研究有关

So the first stage is the stage where we don't have time第一个阶段是我们没有时间阶段

We are in a hurry ;we are rushed我们很赶时间，匆匆忙忙

Our reaction is automatic我们的反应是无意识的

This is the part where we conform在这个阶段，我们会随波逐流 This is time when we conform to the group我们会遵从群体

As in the Asch experiments就像Asch做的实验那样

This is when we conform to the man with a white coat在这个阶段，当那个穿白袍的人

Telling us the experiment must go on告诉我们实验必须继续时，我们会遵从

And we push the button and shock an innocent victim我们会按下按钮，点击一个无辜的人

This is where conformity to obedience在这个阶段，我们会随波逐流的服从

Conformity to a group is 服从群体

When we don't have time当我们没有时间时

When we are busy 当我们匆忙时

When we don't really think about当我们不认真思考

What it is that we want to do and can do我们想做什么，可以做什么时 This is our dependent self stage one这是依赖的自我，第一阶段 We very often at this moment can reach stage two 通常这时候我们会到达第二阶段

Don't need to wait a long time 不用等很久

At this moment ,if we take the time这时，如果我们慢慢来

Because when we take the time 因为如果我们慢慢来

That's when we engage in deliberate reflection这时候我们开始有意识思考

Combining reflection and action把思考与行为结合起来

Where we think about what we do这时候我们会想我们做的事 We think about what we think想我们做的事

We take our time我们慢慢来

This is where the self is autonomous这个阶段的自我是自主的

This is where the independent self-esteem emerges这时候独立型自尊出现了

When we have the time当我们慢慢来时

That's where we are much less likely to conform 我们随波逐流的可能性就会减低

That's when we are cultivating这时我们会培养

And expressing our independent core self表达我们独立的核心自我

Think of the ,of the following experiment想想接下来的一个实验 It cannot be done today unfortune....well今天做不了，很可惜 I mean it's not unfortunate其实也不可惜

But it cannot be done today今天做不了

And that is to retry the Milgram experiment with one difference这个实验其实是重复Milgram 的实验，但一个改动

Imagine this ,some of you know the Milgram experiment大家想象一下，有些同学熟悉Milgram 的实验

We have spoken about it here我们在班上已经讲过了

You are sitting on the chair with your hand on the buttons你坐在椅子里，手放在按钮上

Or in front of you ,you have the panel或者在你面前有一个控制台 And you can go up to sixty volts你选择了60伏电压

And there's no real reaction from the other person ,the learner那个学习者没有什么反应

And you go up to 75 volts你上升到75伏

A 15 volts increment增加了15伏

And you get to 120volts and the confederate你升到了120伏，那个被电击的人

Whom you think is really being shocked 你觉得他真的被电击了 Says "ouch ,that hurts"他说：“哎呦，很痛”

And you go and you look up at the person with the white coat你抬头看

那个穿白袍的人

And he says to you "the experiment must go on"他说“实验必须继续” And you go up and up ;and the person is screaming你继续提高电压，那个人被电得尖叫

And telling you he has a heart condition告诉你他的心脏病要发了 And you look up at the experimenter你抬头看实验人员

Who looks like this 他看起来就像那样

And he tells you I never noticed him until now他告诉你、、、、我之前一直没注意过他

I'm glad I've never noticed him 很高兴我从没注意过他

He says to you "the experiment must go on "他跟你说“实验必须继续” And you go on你继续

And they start to whimper and say 那些人开始大哭起来

I have a heart condition ,get me out of here我有心脏病，放我出去 And you look up 你抬头看

And the experimenter says 实验人员说

No answer is wrong answer没有答案是错误的答案

Raise the volage .the experiment must go on提高电压，实验必须继续 Now 63 percent of participants went above 350volt这时候63%的参与者会把电压提高到350伏

Which is beyond the level where the person was not even heard anymore超过那个人所能承受的水平

They continue to shock them until the point of xxx他们继续电击，知道xxx点

Beyond the very dangerous超过了危险水平

Because he told them that the experiment must go on因为他告诉他们，实验必须继续

Now imagine the same experiment with a slight difference现在想象一下，同样的实验，但有一个小小的改动

You give them 75 volts and they say 你用75伏电压电他们，他们说 Ouch ,that hurts哎呀，很痛

And then the experimenter tells you 然后实验人员告诉你

The experiment must go on实验必须继续

Why don't you come back in 15minutes 不如你先休息15分钟 And you go out for 15 minutes你出去15分钟

And you come back again等你回来时

And it's now at 90这时是90伏

And you go up let's say you go up to 120假设你提高到120伏 And 120 ,the person is screaming120伏，那个人在尖叫

Get me out of here ,you have no right to keep me here放我出去，你们没权把我关在这里

And you look up at the experimenter and the experimenter says你抬头看实验人员，他告诉你

The experiment must go on实验必须继续

But Why don't you take a 15minutes break? 不然你先休息15分钟 What do you think would happen你们认为这时候会怎么样

If people were given 15minutes breaks between shocks?如果这些人电击人之前有15分钟休息？

Do you think 63percent would go to extremely dangerous and beyond? 认为会有63%的人会把电压提高到超过危险水平吗？

Probably not,because during these 15minutes 很可能不会，因为在这15分钟里

We are no longer in a hot state我们不再处于热态

But rather in a cold state而是处于冷态

The words of George Loewenstein这是引用了George Loewenstein的话 When they are in a cold state ,they 'll think当他们处于冷态时，他们会想

Am I out of my mind ?what am I doing here我疯了吗？我在这里干什么？

And they will go and call the police他们回去打电话报警

As opposed to going back 15minutes later and而不是15分钟后再走进去

Ok ,now I'm willing to kill them 好的，现在我愿意杀了他们

Which is essentially what they presumably did in that experiment因为他们在这个实验里就是以为自己杀了这些人

But when they didn't have those 15minutes 如果他们没有那15分钟

When it was "The experiment must go on"而是“实验必须继续” The experiment must go on实验必须继续

It went on他们就会继续

And they paid a price of losing themselves他们会为失去自我付出代价 And this is what happens to us in modern life我们的现代生活也是这样 Not with such dire consequences当然后果没有Milgram的实验 Potentially could have been with Milgram那么可怕

And we are not doing immoral things而且在现代，即使我们服从权威 As the cases with obedience to authority我们也没有做什么不道德的事 But we are hurting ourselves very often但通常我们会伤害到自己

Because we are running around and we are conforming因为我们随波逐流，遵从主流

And we are doing what they think we should do我们做别人认为我们该做的事

We are doing what that voice or voices are telling us to do我们做那把声音叫我们做的事

We are not doing what we are meant to be doing我们没有做自己想做的事

You know what I think the most important part of this class?你们知道我认为这门课最重要的部分是什么吗？

Its sections and response papers是课堂和课后作业

This is not out of modesty我这么说不是因为谦虚

Yes ,I want you to think that I'm modest没错，我想你们觉得我谦虚 But that's not why I'm但这不是我

Why I'm saying it这么说的原因

It's because that is when you get the time to reflect而是因为这时候你们有时间思考

To talk about it with your teaching fellows和你们的助教讨论 With your fellow students和你们的学生讨论

To think about it 思考

Your forced to take a timeout 你们被迫用额外时间来思考

It's when you sit down and write those response papers这时你们坐下写课后作业

About these questions that I mentioned回答我提出的问题

It's when your real autonomous shining self comes out这时候你们真正的独立自我浮现了

It's when you talk to your friends about this class这时你跟朋友谈这门课

Or your block mates in the dining hall或者在食堂跟队友分享

When you take the time to share with your parents这时你有时间和你父母分享

That's when it is happening 这时独立自我就出现了

Finally ,integrity最后，正直

Nathaniel Branden Nathaniel Branden

Nathaniel Branden did this with many of his clients he's a therapist Nathaniel Branden和他的很多病人这样做过，他是心理治疗师 Where he would bring them in and tell them他叫病人来，告诉他们 Ok ,for the next week ,stop好的，下周暂停

No lies ,be fully integrated;be fully honest不能说谎，要完全诚实坦白 And what he found was when he applies to especially people他发现这个方法，尤其是对于那些

Who would lie a little bit more会撒一点慌的病人来说

That enhanced their self-esteem能够提高他们的自尊

I remember back in 1996 I think it was 96 or 97我记得在19xx年96或者97年

When the whole Clinton impeachment trial was going on克林顿弹劾案正在审判

On CNN they brought on DePaulo CNN请来 DePaulo

She is a professor at University of Virginia她是维珍尼亚大学的一位教授

And she does research on lying她专门研究说谎

And they interviewed her and it was the first time他们采访了她，那是第一次

That I was exposed to her work我接触到他的研究

And she said on CNN that her research shows that她在CNN上说她的研究发现

Basically everyone lies many times little lies基本上所有的人都说谎，很多时候都是一些小谎

Intended to impress others为了让别人觉得自己很厉害

Many times ,bigger lies很多时候是大谎

And what she found was that她发现

People lie in average 3times a day人平均每天说三个谎

And when I heard it 当我听到的时候

I scoffed ,I said 我轻笑了一声

Well ,maybe other people lie three times a day也许其他人每天说三次谎

I don't lie但我不说谎

And let me explain to you why I don't lie我解释一下我为什么不说谎 And this is true 这是真的

Because I wrote my senior thesis in college因为我读大学时写的毕业论文

On the concept of honesty pays 就是说诚实是会带来好处的

I was a joint philosophy and psychology concentrator我当时既学心理也学哲学

Was interested in ethics ,self-esteem,motivation我对道德，自尊，动机感兴趣

And what I showed based on research 我根据研究

Based on philosophical works by Aristotle,by Adam Smith根据亚里士多

德，亚当史密斯的哲学著作

That we pay a high psychological and emotional price whenever we lie发现每次我们说谎，欺骗，不诚实时

Whenever we cheat要付出巨大的

Whenever we are dishonest心理和情绪代价

And then I said to myself所以我跟自己说

But let me try Depaulo's exercise 让我试试 DePaulo 的方法

What she does is have people evaluate their conversations 她的方法就是叫人讲完一段话后

For honest or dishonest content right after it finishes马上评估有哪些是真的，有哪些是说谎的

So when it's still fresh in their mind称他们还清楚记得

What they talked about自己说过什么

So they keep a journal 他们会写一本日记

Which is completely anonymous 完全匿名的

So I said 所以我想

But I'm gonna do ,even through I don't lie我会写，虽然我不说谎 Because I know the consequence of lying因为我知道说谎的后果 Because I wrote my thesis on it因为我的论文即使写这个的 I'm an expert on honesty我是诚实这个课题的专家

I said I'll still do it 我说我会写日记的

Cause I like to try experiments 因为我想试验一下

As it happens 就在我写日记期间

I went on a date that night有一天晚上我出去约会

Someone whom I never met before was not Arianna一个我没有见过的人，不是Arianna

Someone that was whom my mom set up with是我妈妈给我介绍的 My mom and her mom talked together in the same school我妈和他妈说我们在同一间学校

And I heard wonderful things about her然后我听说了一些她的很棒的事迹

I was very excited我很激动

And became even more excited when we met我们见了面以后就更加激动了

And we were sitting down and having a lovely dinner and talking我们坐下来，吃饭聊天，很愉快

And she is an economist她是一个经济学家

Very successful economist非常成功的经济学家

And she asked me what I was doing她问我是做什么的

And I told her that I was a psychologist我告诉她我是心理学家

And I was really impressing her with all my knowledge of psychology我用我全部的心理知识在她面前表现自我

And she said :"you know I'm also interested in psychology."她说“我也对心理学感兴趣”

And I said "this is going really well"我说：“这一定会很顺利” To myself ,not to her我自己心里说的，不是跟她说

I learned not to say those things on earlier dates我学到了教训，刚开始约会时不要说这样的话

So we were sitting down and you know我们坐下来。。。。。

Learn to fail 要学会失败

So we were sitting down and talking我们坐下来聊天

Then she said 然后她说

Oh ,you know ,I just read about the psychologist“我刚读到一个心理学家的著作”

And she said the name她说了这个人的名字

You know ,it's a very famous psychologist非常著名的一个心理学家 You know him ,right?你听说过他吧？

Now I didn't have the faintest clue who was she我完全不知道 Who she was talking about no idea 她说的是谁，完全不知道 And I remember pausing for a second我记得我呆了一下

And looking at her and just smiling 微笑的看着她

hmm.mHmmm恩恩

And the conversation continued to flow然后我们继续聊

Now I would not have noticed this我没有注意到我自己说谎了 Except for the fact that afterwards I went home但后来我回到家 And went over the conversation回想这次的对话

Then I said "hey wait a minute ,I just lied to her"我说：“慢着，我刚才跟她说谎了”

And ever since then 从那时起

I've been doing this regularly lying that is我就经常这么做，我指的是说谎

No ,I've been doing this regularly不，我经常这么做

Ever since then 从那时起

I've been keeping doing the integrity exercise我就坚持磨练自己的正直 That depaulo talks about 用depaulo 说的方法

That Nathaniel Branden talks about用Nathaniel Branden说的方法 To be very conscious about my conversations 非常留意我说的话 Am I just saying things to impress我这么说是为了表现我自己 Which are not authentic?而说的假话吗？

Am i having those little lied?我是不是说了小谎？

Because you see,when we are telling the truth因为你们要明白，当我说实话时

The message that we communicate to ourselves我们给自己传达了一个信息

The message that we communicate to ourselves is我们给自己传达的信息是

Is that my words are worthy我的话是有价值的

My words important ;I matter我的话很重要，我很重要

And When we don't do that 当我们不说实话时

When we tell lies当我们说谎时

Or we are about impressing constantly或者我们想不停地表现自己时 We are saying "I'm not good enough as I am"我们是在说“这样的我不够好”

I need to be someone else so that the other person likes我需要成为里一个人，让别人来喜欢我

I need to know that psychologist我需要知道这个心理学家

Because otherwise she won't like me不然她就不会喜欢我

Instead of being authentic and real而不是做真是的自己

Instead of being known rather than validated选择被认同而不是被了解 And doing it and being conscious of it for a week at a time用这个方法坚持一周

Until the behavior changes our attitude 直到行为改变了我们的态度 And I begin to value my words much more我开始更重视我的话 When I communicate myself who I am当我跟自己传达，我是谁 Rather than trying to impress others 而不是想着让别人觉得自己很厉害时

When I assert myself 当我肯定自己时

When I say mo at times当我时不时的说“不”时

So that I can simplify my life a little bit这样的我就能简化我的生活 When I say yes when it's appropriate当我该说是的时候说是

Even it's not the most popular yes in the world即使这个“是”不是很受欢迎

But it's right for me但我应该这样说

And it's about expanding it in time as well as in space还要从时间和空间上把这个方法扩展开来

It is started first of all by myself首先从自我开始

Why does journaling help so much?为什么写日记这么有用

Why does therapy with an empathic therapist为什么有移情心的治疗师 Why does it work so well他们的治疗效果这么有效？

Because we are ourselves因为他们活出了自我

We don't try impress the therapist我们没有想着在治疗师面前表现自己

After a while we open up一段时间后，我们打开心扉

We don't try to impress our journal我们没有想着在日记里表现自己 We are ourselves 我们活出了自我

And expanding it from our journal which makes us feel good从我们感觉良好的日记扩展到

To close relationships ,to others亲近的关系和人

From doing it one day one conversation at a time从一天一次的对话中练习正直

To a week of integrity treatment so to speak to lifelong到坚持一周，然后坚持一生

Imagine leading this life想象一下，过这样的生活

How freed up do we feel when you no longer need to express当你不用再不停的表达或者表现自己时

Or impress ourselves constantly我们会感到多自由

Where we can just be known我们能够被了解

Where we can just be ourselves能够活出自我

How much lighter这样会多轻松

How much more power多有力量

How much more integrity and authenticity we will experience我们会觉得多正直和真实

How much happier will we be ?我们会多快乐？

I want to end by reading you an excerpt from Melissa Christino's journal我想在下课前读一段Melissa Christino的日记

Which she cited in her senior thesis是她在她的毕业论文中引用的 This ,of course is with her permission当然，这是得到她允许的

Melissa Christino was an undergraduate here ,class of 2002 Melissa Christino是哈佛本科毕业生，2002届

And this is what she writes她是这样写的

Your true potential lies way你真正的潜力

Way down in the depths of your soul埋藏在你的灵魂深处 In the pit of your stomach在你腹部最底下

Past your knowledge ,beyond your nervousness在你的知识和紧张触及

不到的地方

And buried under your fears and anxieties埋藏在你的恐惧和焦虑之下 As hidden as it may be虽然它隐藏起来了

It is still there但它还在那里

I know it's there because I've felt it before我知道，因为我以前感受过它的存在

And I know it's there in others too我知道别人也有

Because I've seen others perform miracles因为我见过别人做过奇迹一般的事

There is a faint glow of unparalleled potential in all of us我们体内有着一股无可匹敌的潜力，散发着微弱的光芒

And when we find it - it shine 当我们找到它时，它就会发出万丈光芒 It's there in each and every one of us this glow我们每个人都有这丝微光

And if we feed it ,if we cultivate it ,it grows如果我们助长它，培养它，它就会壮大

And it grows to the level that expands beyond the self它就会壮大到超越自己

Where people like Warren Bennis 这时候，像Warren Bennis这样的人 Where people like Nelson Mandela像Nelson Mandela这样的人 Where people like Anita Roddick像Anita Roddick这样的人

People like mother Teresa just their presence像特列莎修女这样的人，

他们的存在

Just their presence ,their being shines a light onto others他们的存在就能为别人散发光芒

So what I'd like you to do now现在我想这样做

We have 4 more minute只剩4分钟

Here's what I'd like to do now我想这样做

I'm going to play a song for you我会放一首歌给大家听

Usually played at the beginning通常我会在上课前放的

I want to play it at the end today但今天我想在最后放

If you feel comfortable如果你们喜欢的话

You can close your eyes and listen to the words of the song可以闭上眼睛听歌词

And what they mean to you他们对你有什么意义

What they mean in the context of your life对你的生活有什么意义 So If you feel comfortable所以，如果你们喜欢

close your eyes and listen闭上眼睛听

Really listen to the following words听听以下的歌词

[song :gloria gaynor "I am what I am"]

I am what I am 我就是我

I am my own special creation我独一无二

So come take a look 看我一眼

Give me the hook对我嗤之以鼻

Or the ovation或为我鼓掌

It's my world这是我的世界

That I want to have a little pride in我想拥有一点骄傲 My world 我的世界

And it's not a place I have to hide in在这里我不用躲藏 Life's not worth a damn生命毫无价值

Till you can say知道你能说

I am what I am我就是我

Open your eyes睁开眼睛

Come on ,get up来吧，上来

I am what I am我就是我

All right ,let's go down好的，我们下去

Let's join them]和他们一起跳