2. Chatting with friends
Today we?ll talk about chatting with friends. Many students ask me this question: what do Americans talk about with their friends? That?s a hard question because it?s so broad. What do we talk? We talk about many many many different things. As I listen to Chinese conversation there are many topics too. But there seems to be a broader numbers of topics we talk about. Part of understanding our culture is a world difference. So natural our conversation is what all the difference too. So what do we talk about everything and anything? We talk about all kinds of things. So when my students sometimes even say: what do you generally talk about and I have to say: well, generally we talk about different things. We really can?t narrow down to one or two or a few things we talk about. I?ll give you a few examples though. Some people like to talk about the news. Some people think the news is very boring. Some people like to take a talk about sports or their favorite sports. Whether they are talking about playing football or watching on TV, we like to talk about sports. Some people talk about work. Other people when they are not working they prefer to just forget about the work. Some people talk about boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives, kids, things like that is a very common topic. It?s difference in the real life than the class because in class teacher will say: OK, talk about this topic. But in real life we never do that. We don?t just get together with our friends and say: OK, let?s been 30 minutes talking about sports. That?ll be strange and you don?t do that in Chinese either. So, it?ll be a little strange in real life. In class it?s OK to do that because you can practice the topic. Some people like to talk about very deep topics. For example, personalPhilosophy, Religion, politics, world peace, how can we have world peace, how can we solve all of the world problems. Some like to these topics, some people are very good at these topics. If you talk about that many English it will be a real challenge because it?s very deep. You have to express people meaning. But some people enjoy talking about these things. Other people prefer life topics. It also depends on who were talking with. When I talk with my wife and children I may talk about what happened in my work and work that day in my class with something to do with my students. My wife will talk about what my sun did that day. But when I talk to friends outside, I may talk about my family. So who we talk to also has a lot to do with what we talk about. Some people when they talk it are very common in my country to talk about problem solving. For example, marriage problems, money problems. How to repair something. Computer problems are very common thing. My computer works too slow. What can I do. I know you know more about computer than I do. And so a lot of time it comes down to asking for advice or giving advice. Whatever we talk about the most important thing is that it has to be natural. When we talk to friends and we talk to new friends. Sometimes talking to a new friend is different. Talking to old friend is very easy because we?ve been talking for a long time for many years. We know each other. But know suddenly you are introduced to a new friend and sometimes you just look at each other and say what should we say? But there are normally, there are, if they are real friendship, there will be some topics that will natural for you. If you want to make friends with new People, one thing is more important is you don?t spend all of your life just in a book or watching TV. And that?s hard for students because you have to spend a lot of time in books. In our culture, sometimes we say “gentle life”. “gentle life” means you really basically with your boring person. It means you don?t do anything. Really go out and do anything. It doesn?t mean that you go out for drinking and dancing but do something with your life when you meet people. Some people that I?ve met they say I don?t have many friends. I?d like to have more friends. Then I say what do you do. Well, I work in my office alone. I go home; I watch TV and the do the same thing every day. And that explains what we don?t have a lot of friends. Friendships usually don?t happen when we looking for friends. You can join like a single group or go to a club and try to be friends. Sometimes I found that in my life most of my friends are just people I met. I get to know them naturally in natural situations. For example, I took a class in …. It was several years. I really enjoy that. And because something I enjoyed and the other students enjoyed. It was natural. We didn?t just come together and say let?s make friends. Or you know what we can talk about or what your topic is today. When
we got together it was natural because it?s a Kala Di class. We will talk about how to punch. How to block. How to kick. In the class since we learn the class. And we practice together. And nobody was looking for friends. But it just naturally happened we became friends because something we have in common. Other common place to make friends is in the church. You have common belief. Maybe you listen to the sermon that day and you talk about or some activity relate to the church. So a lot of friendships develop in the church because you have something in common there. When I was taking a Chinese class in the any university, I wasn?t looking for friends in fact I was a very busy person. I was working full time and going to school part time. And I wasn?t looking for new friends. I just want to study Chinese. And In the class we have one thing in common. We all want to learn Chinese. So when in a break or after class we will get together and say how do you pronounce that word or I didn?t understand the teacher. What did she mean when she said that. Or something like that and because we had that in common several friendships just naturally happen. That the result of that. Work is a very common place to make friends. Again we don?t go to work for the purpose of meeting friends. We go to there because we need to make a living. But we spent at least 8 hours there every day, working with other people. Unless you work, you know, isolated in the office someplace. Even that people work in the office they often have breaks. And you go to a break room and you meet together. And you have something in common. It?s very easy to form friendships. It depending on what kind of work you do. You may be talking about the world project even when you are working. And out of that the friendship may develop. If the kind of work were like management or something you are very involve work, you may even meet after work to talk more about the work. And then it just become natural. Some people maybe they don?t like their work. But there are something in common. People 。。。。jobs or people saying: are that boss? He is terrible. What do you think the boss? We need a new boss. Or he is unfair. Just not fair. But they talk about those things together. And, so, common topics normally just happen. Friendships usually don?t happen when you are look for friendships. It usually happen when we just doing something natural. One of the things happens naturally with friends, after we have become friends usually. Sometimes it beginning is asking for advice or complaining. Sometimes people may say things like. Maybe two ladies are saying: My husband never listened to me or a student say: I can?t memorize so many English words. What can I do. And they are complaining but at the same time their complain is looking for advice. A complain has a respond to it. Again it?s not conversion when somebody says: let?s talk about this topic. It?s just natural. So for example, somebody says: my job is so unfair. My boss makes me work every weekend and I don?t make enough money to feed my family. And you know when your friends say that, you know the natural response is something like: Oh, that?s terrible, I feel sorry for you. Or oh I knows another company, and they are hiring right now maybe you can try there. And it?s just right natural. So we talk about things like that. Someone says I can?t memory so many vocabulary words like when I was in a Chinese class. That something we talk about. And then someone else will say: oh I memorize 20 words yesterday. Really? How did you do that? And then they share their message and they share what they did. It?s get natural. Sometimes we ask for advice. For example, two mothers is talking together. A mother may say something like: my kid don?t listen to me. I see that your kids always listen to you. How did you do that? How can I make my kids listen like you do? And then there will be some response for that. Maybe somebody will say: two girls are talking and they say: that want to be my boyfriend but I don?t like him. What can I do? How can I get rid of him? And then they talk together. It?s very natural. The same thing you talk about in Chinese, right? It?s the same. So it?s very natural. Now when we talk to friends how do we say hello to friends? To a complex stranger. And we say “hi, hello” introduce ourselves. Nice to meet you, right? Now, if you see somebody you are re-know, for example, I?m working a campus and a student sees me. What do they say? What should I say? We know each other. Maybe we are good friends. One thing that I heard a few students say as a mistake is they say: nice to meet you. Nice to meet you is only for the first time introductions. So if you know each other, friends never say nice to meet you. They say nice to see you. They can say hi. How are you doing? What?s up? How have you been? Ok? Things like that. Now be careful because I have many times I said to students: How are you doing? And they say: Oh, I?m going to the Library.
They misunderstood my question. How are you doing doesn?t mean what are you doing? What are you doing naturally will be a response like I?m going to the library. How are you doing will be a response like: fine. I?m OK. I?m well. I?m doing fine. Now one thing that I have noticed Chinese culture is very polite. American culture tries to be polite but sometimes it?s a little more arnist in this kind of situation. If someone says how are you doing? And I?m doing terrible. I just fail the exam. And I had the argument with my wife. My children will not obey. The police stopped me for driving my car too fast. Or something like that. And I said I?m fine. I?m lying. And in our culture in close friends it?s ok to say: I?m not doing very well. I?m having a terrible day because then friends could come for you and they can say it?s ok or maybe you should try this. You should try that. So we don?t have to always say in that way. One common response that I heard in China: when people say how are you doing? They say :fine, thank you. And you? That?s not very natural. So don?t do that. The words are OK but be careful how you say? Generally we will just say I?m fine. I?m OK. I?m all right. Things like that. Not bad. Grate. I?m very good. Now if we see our friends after a holiday, after a weekend or after something. The way we say hello is affected by that. For example, on Monday morning we see our friends. We could naturally say: Hi, how was your weekend? Not just how are you but how was your weekend? If you see you friend after class and they came from a class and you came from a class, you can say: how was your class? So whatever just happened? You can say how was something/anything? Even a movie. They just watch the movie. How was the movie? It?s much more natural and less boring they just hello, hello and hello, hello. In some students that all they do. So think about what just happened. In the morning you could say how was your breakfast? And some Chinese say have you eaten? We could say that but we don?t usually say have you eaten or did you eat? But we could say how was your lunch? We could say that. Or how was your dinner? You can just ask a date. The day before with a boyfriend or girlfriend. How was your date? Or how did it go? It?s very common. Or If you did something like that. And also when we say goodbye, We can say see you later. Take it easy. Take care. But also that depends on what?s the next. For example, Friday, you are leaving your friend, you will see your friend until Monday. Have a nice weekend. See you later. Have a nice weekend. Or whatever the next. before the holiday. have a nice holiday. Even before a class. You are going to one class, you friend are going to another class. Have a nice class. Or if you?ll see each other after that, see you after class. See you tomorrow. See you next week. See you after the holiday. So whatever the next you can do that. So my friends, see you later.