作为一个乐善好施的逗比，亮瞎人家的狗眼可以让你狂刷存在感。由于你特别在乎关系的和谐，你总是把别人的感受看得更重要。当需要为集体作出牺牲时，第一个想到你，毕竟自我牺牲都成了你的天然属性。

久而久之，好好先生的生存策略或许挺奏效的。助人为乐，乐人乐己嘛。最重要的是，大家都喜欢你，他们当你是最友善、最具助人精神、无私的团队合作者。

如果只是这样，那还真心不错。

但是对于逗比来说，事情不会止于此。实际上有很多潜在的负能量潜伏在逗比心里。 当你不能再讨好人们的时候，你就会感到巨大的内疚和焦虑，你害怕别人不再喜欢自己。你就像躲瘟疫一样躲避冲突，因为你不想卷入任何麻烦。你觉得有义务让身边的每个人都感到快乐（至少没有黑脸），为了这些，你察言观色、绞尽脑汁。

而这恰恰就是症结所在，下面举几个例子打打逗比们的脸：

Taking on too much responsibility. Because it doesn’t seem OK to let anyone down, you say yes to more tasks and commitments than you can handle. This can lead to overwork, resentment, and burnout. Paradoxically, you may eventually end up letting other people down because you are too overextended to keep all of those commitments.

Not letting your light shine. Sometimes people perform at less than their best because they are nervous about the social consequences of outshining others. They worry that if they do better than someone else, the person(s) they have outperformed will feel hurt, envious, and maybe even hostile toward them. Our research suggests that people pleasing (psychological term: sociotropy) is a very strong, reliable predictor of this discomfort about outperformance.

Caving in to social pressure. Because you don’t want to make waves, you may find it tough to follow your principles when facing peer pressure. For example, you might eat more than you want—or less than you want—in an attempt to match what others around you are eating. The same pattern could play out with regard to smoking, drinking alcohol, or drug use. People pleasing could even cross the line into serious moral lapses, as shown in Milgram’s classic studies of obedience to authority: If you are determined to please a person who is pressuring you to harm someone else, the voice of your own conscience could be drowned out.

In some cases, then, your YES might come with a bitter aftertaste.

Derek Kimball / freeimages.com--Yes...although I am weary and worn out. --Yes...but I will resent it.

--Yes...although it’s against my better judgment.

--Yes...but only because I’m too afraid to say no.

In psychology, the concept of sociotropy (i.e., people pleasing) comes straight out of the research literature on depression. It turns out that sociotropy is one of several interpersonal styles that can increase the risk of depressive symptoms.

Internally, problems tend to arise when saying yes to others means saying no to some deeper part of yourself, such as your core values, legitimate needs, or important goals. You may have even lost touch with these deeper parts of yourself because you’re so used to accommodating the preferences of other people and responding to their needs.

So what can you do about these people-pleasing tendencies?

Listen to that inner voice. Is some part of you raising a red flag about saying yes in this situation? If you are hearing an internal warning, something saying, “This is wrong,” or, “This is just too much,” or, “You’ll regret this later,” do yourself a favor and at least listen before immediately saying yes.

Buy yourself some time. The immediate pressure to respond to that person in front of you can push any people pleaser over the edge. If you are feeling wary about saying yes, try to give yourself some time to reflect before deciding. Depending on the size of the request, you might just need a few minutes (“Do I have time to help this person before I go home?”), or you might need a long time (“Will you marry me?”)

Take a close look at your thoughts. Try to distinguish between your desire to be kind (which will usually feel peaceful and positive) and the thoughts that lead to fear, guilt, or a sense of pressure.

Face your fears. Treatments for anxiety almost always involve facing your fears—

what psychologists call exposure therapy. But even when you know, deep down, that it would be wise to say, "No," or “Not now,” or “I disagree,” it can be tough to muster up the courage to say it. Remember, there’s usually no need to get aggressive: You can give your response in an assertive way that shows respect for yourself and the other person(s) involved.

Tolerate the discomfort. You’re right...some other people may not like it when you tell them no, especially if they benefit from your usual pattern of constant giving and self-sacrificing. Hang in there. Yes, it may be scary. But the world will not come to an end because someone is unhappy with your choices.

It's great that you have a strong desire to connect with others and to respond to people’s needs. No one’s asking you to give that up. The challenge may be to come to a place of greater courage and personal strength... to develop a little more “backbone”. Because if you are able to say no when it really counts, the more time, energy, and focus you'll have to really make a positive difference in other people’s lives.

In the long run, then, challenging some of those people-pleasing tendencies could actually be one of your best ways to say yes to others...without having to say no to yourself.

更多英语学习：企业英语培训

第二篇：逗比

“逗比”背后隐藏了哪些心理秘密？

“你是猴子请来的逗比吗？”不知道什么时候起，这成为网友们嬉笑怒骂的经典句式了。不仅网上如此，生活中也经常听到有人说别人，“这个人真逗比！”。逗比，很快成为了热词，跟“二”一样。但不管是“逗比”本人还是笑说“逗比”的人背后都隐藏了心理秘密！

人活着必定会产生焦虑，什么是焦虑？简单来说就是不愉快！弗洛伊德将焦虑分为三类：现实性或客观性焦虑，神经性焦虑和道德性焦虑。但是不管哪种焦虑都会引起人的痛苦。既然焦虑会引起人痛苦的情绪体验，那么就要想办法去降低或防止焦虑。为了减轻焦虑，自我可能采用正常和理性的方法来控制危险，解决问题，也可能采用否认现实甚至歪曲现实的非理性方法。后一种方法就是自我防御机制。

不管是逗比自身还是嘲弄、喜欢逗比的小伙伴们所表现出来的在很大程度上是一种自我防御机制的启动，至于防御什么，这要具体分析个人了。这种自我防御为的是保护自己、减少焦虑和伤害！

根据弗洛伊德的自我防御机制理论，这种防御的作用是避免和减少消极的情绪状态，它不仅能够作用于焦虑，也可以作用于心理冲突和内在挫折。并且大多数防御机制的启动时，人们是通常是意识不到的。就像一些逗比，在逗大家的时候，他自己一般都是意识不到的。而这种逗比本身包含了两面性。

逗比之所以这样被众人记住，一是因为逗比本身通过歪曲现实而自己意识不到却被别人觉察了所带来的笑话；二是因为逗比有时候真的很幽默能逗笑大家。这样看似两个矛盾的观点却发生在同一个客体上。

在经典精神分析理论中自我防御共有：压抑、投射、移置、否认、反向作用、认同、退行和升华。从逗比本身让大家发笑的角度出发，姑且可以粗略地把它归结为幽默。而这“幽默”却包含了两种防御机制：否认和升华。这就涉及到具体对待逗比本人了，这是一个怎样的人？是消极防御的，还是积极生活的？这是两面性的存在！

就某些人来说，他让大家发笑不是因为他的幽默而是因为他所做的在他人眼中是可以嘲弄的。这就是他采用了一种否认的防御机制。否认，指个体在现实生活中，拒绝承认有关其个人痛苦事实的存在。这样逃避现实，不必面对生活中的那些无法解决的困难与无法达成的愿望，从而减轻内心的焦虑。他们宁愿欺骗自己，也不要承认事实，这难免会让发笑。

而另一种不但会让人笑，而且他自己也会笑嘻嘻的。不仅没有尴尬之相反而很正常。他愿意取悦别人甚至不介意别人叫他逗比。你会发现这样的人通常身边的朋友不少，人际关系融洽。为什么跟前者不一样呢？是因为他采用了积极的自我防御机制——升华。让人笑可以理解为幽默也可以说成是滑稽。而前者是滑稽，后者是幽默。升华是指改换原来的冲动，用社会许可的思想和行为方式表达出来，具有创造性与建设性意义和价值。比如后者用幽默缓解了自身的焦虑，保护了自己，取悦了别人换来了良好的人际关系，博得大家的喜爱。

但就在我津津乐道地说逗比的时候，却发现不了其实自己也挺“逗”。正如一首小诗“你站在桥上看风景，看风景的人在楼上看你”。你为何如此在意逗比们的话语和行为？又为何要用“你是猴子请来的逗比吗？”来作为嬉笑怒骂的句式？那是因为你在别人身上看到了你自己，你也启动了自我防御机制。这种防御机制叫投射。简单的说就是把自己内心存在的不为社会所接受的欲望、态度和行为推诿到他人身上或归咎于别的原因。有人说一个人逗比，然后你也说那个逗比，其实是你将自己的态度、内心与之相似的失误与焦虑投射出来而已。

别人逗也好，二也罢。自己笑也好，闹也好。从心理层面上都没有错，只不过是为了保护自己，而自己很少去意识到。人生来就会焦虑，如果能够做一个积极向上的逗比来缓解焦虑，也不失为一个快乐之道！