英语幽默小短文(4900字)

发表于:2019.4.18来自:www.fanwen118.com字数:4900 手机看范文

英语幽默小短文

Wake up! Wake up! It's time for sleeping pills!

醒来!醒来!现在该吃安眠药了!

The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours. then he started again, and said he:"Let me ask the evolutionist a question --- if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?"

"I'll venture an answer, " said an old lady. "We have worn them off sitting here so long.".

教进化论的老师已经滔滔不绝地讲了快两个小时,他的话题又来了:“让我向进化论者提个问题——如果我们曾经像狒狒那样长着尾巴,那么现在尾巴到哪里去了?”

“我来试试看,”一位老太太说。

“该是我们在这里坐这么久把它们磨掉了吧。”

Late one night at the insane asylum (疯人院)one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

Another one said, "How do you know?"

The first inmate said, "God told me!"

Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"

疯人院

一天晚上,在疯人院里,一个病人说:"我是拿破仑!"另一个说:"你怎么知道?"第一个人说:"上帝对我说的!"一会儿,一个声音从另一个房间传来:"我没说!"

Improvement

One student to another: "How are your English lessons coming along?" "Fine. I used to be one who couldn't understand the English men, and now it's the English men who can't understand me."

进步

一位学生对另一位说:“你的英语最近学的怎么样?”

“很好,我过去不懂英国人说话,可现在是英国人不懂我的话了。”

Half or Five Tenths?

Teacher: Would you rather have one half of an orange or five tenths? Gerald: I'd much rather have the half.

Teacher: Think carefully, and tell me why.

Gerald: Because you lose too much juice when you cut the orange into five

tenths.

半个还是十分之五

老师:你愿意要半个柑橘,还是十分之五个柑橘?

杰拉得:我宁可要半个。

老师:仔细想想,说出理由来。

杰拉得:因为你如果把柑橘切成十分之五,那柑橘汁就损失太多了。

The Reason of Being Late

Teacher: Johnny, why are you late for school every morning?

Johnny: Every time I come to the corner, a guidepost says, 'School -- Go Slow'. 迟到的原因

老 师:约翰尼,为什么你每天早晨都迟到?

约翰尼:每当我经过学校附近的拐角处,就见路牌上写着‘学校-缓行’。

When Do People Talk Least?

Student A: When do people talk least?

Student B: In February.

Student A: Why?

Student B: Because February is the shortest month of a year.

人们什么时候说话最少?

学生甲:人们在什么时候说话最少?

学生乙:在二月。

学生甲:为什么呢?

学生乙:因为二月是一年中最短的一个月。

The plural Form of "Child"

Teacher: What is the plural of man, Tom?

Tom: Men.

Teacher: Good. And the plural of child?

Tom: Twins.

"孩子"的复数形式

老师:汤姆,‘男人’这个词的复数形式是什么?

汤姆:男人们。

老师:答得好。那‘孩子’的复数形式呢?

汤姆:双胞胎。

All Except the Music

A keen young teacher wanted to introduce her class to the glories of classical

music, so she arranged an outing to an afternoon concert. To make the occasion even more memorable, she treated everyone to lemonade, cake, chocs and ices. Just as the party was getting back into their coach, she said to little Sally, "Have you enjoyed yourself today?"

"Oh, yes, miss!" said Sally, "It was lovely. All except the music, that is." 除了音乐

一位热心的年轻教师想让她的学生多了解一点优秀的古典音乐,就安排了一天下午去听音乐会。为了使这次活动能给大家留下更深的印象,她请大家喝柠檬汽水、吃点心、巧克力和冰淇淋。在大家回来上汽车的时候,她问小萨莉:“你今天玩得好吗?”

“噢,好极了,小姐,” 萨莉说,“除了音乐其它都很好。”

My Sister's Fingers

Teacher: Kevin, why are you late this time?

Kevin: Please sir, I bruised two fingers knocking in a nail at home.

Teacher: I don't see any bandages.

Kevin: Oh, they weren't my fingers! I told my little sister to hold the nail. 我妹妹的手指头

老师:凯温,这次你怎么又迟到了?

凯温:对不起,老师,我在家钉钉子,砸坏了两个手指头。

老师:怎么没有扎绷带呀?

凯温:噢,砸的不是我的手指头,我叫小妹妹扶着钉子的。

The Climate of New Zealand

Teacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand?

Matthew: Very Cold, sir.

Teacher: Wrong.

Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen! 新西兰的气候

老师:马修,新西兰的气候怎么样?

马修:先生,那里的天气很冷。

老师:错了。

马修:可是,先生!从那儿运来的猪肉都冻得硬邦邦的。

Lightning

Teacher: Why is it said that lightning never strikes the same place twice? Roy: Because after it's struck once the same place isn't there any more! 闪电

老师:为什么说闪电从来不会两次击中同一个地方?

罗伊:因为它击中一个地方一次以后,那个地方就不存在了。

Who Discovered Australia?

Teacher: Find Australia on the map for me, Johnny.

Johnny: It's there, sir.

Teacher: That's right. Now Sammy, who discovered Australia?

Sammy: Johnny, sir.

谁发现了澳大利亚?

老师:约翰尼,在地图上给我找出澳大利亚在什么地方。

约翰尼:先生,在这儿。

老师:对了。萨默,你来回答我是谁发现了澳大利亚?

萨默:先生,是约翰尼。

Essay

Teacher had set his class an essay in "A Game of Cricket". After two minutes Simon Steel handed his paper in and was allowed to go home. His essay read: "Rain stopped play."

作文

老师给学生出了个作文题:“一场板球赛”。两分钟后,西蒙。斯蒂尔交了作文,老师允许他回家了。他在作文上写道:“下雨,比赛终止。”

How Many Rabbits?

Teacher: Now, Jonathan, if I gave you three rabbits and then the next day I gave you five rabbits, how many rabbits would you have?

Jonathan: Nine, sir.

Teacher: Nine?

Jonathan: I've got one already, sir.

多少只兔子?

老师:好,乔纳森,假如我给你三只兔子,第二天我又给你五只,你一共有多少只兔子?

乔纳森:一共有九只,先生。

老师:九只?

乔纳森:先生,我本来就有一只。

To Go to Heaven

Sunday School teacher: Hands up all those who want to go to Heaven? Hands up ..... what about you, Terry? You haven't got your hand up -- don't you want

to go to Heaven?

Terry: I can't. My Mum told me to go straight home.

去天堂

主日学校的教员:想去天堂的人举起手来,把手举起来。。。你呢,哈里?你还没举手呢-- 你不想去天堂吗?

哈里: 我去不了,因为妈妈让我一放学就回家。




第二篇:英语幽默小故事6篇 4400字

1、Good use of cry 哭的妙用

The parents with their three-year-old son went to see film.

When they walked into the cinema, the attendant said to them,

“you’ll have to go out if your son cries. But we’ll refund

you the tickets.” About half an hour later, the husband

asked his wife, “What do you think of the film?”

“I’ve never seen such a boring film.” His wife answered.

“It’s not worth seeing.”

“I don’t think much of it, either.” The husband said.

“Wake the child up and let him cry.”

一对夫妇带着他们3岁的儿子去看电影。进电影院时,服务员对他们说:“如果你们的儿子哭了,你们就得出去。不过我们会给你们退票的。”大约半个小时以后,丈夫对妻子说:“你觉得这电影怎么样?”“我从没看过这么没劲的电影。”妻子回答说,“真不值得看。”“我也不喜欢看。”丈夫说:“叫醒孩子,让他哭。”

2、What a Smart Wife家有笨妻

A newly married woman was sitting on a chair,

looking vexed, when her husband came home.

"What's up? Why do you look so troubled?"

the husband asked. The woman replied,

"I'm so sorry. I was ironing your new suit and

burned a hole in your trousers." And the man said,

"That's all right. I have another pair that is exactly the same."

"Thank God you do. I used it to mend this pair,"

the wife responded.

有一个刚结婚的太太,坐在椅子那边,看起来很懊恼,她先生回家看到她这个样子,就问:‘嗨,你怎么啦?为什么看起来这么懊恼呢?’太太说:‘很抱歉,你那件新做的西装裤被我烫坏了,烫成一个洞了。’他先生说:‘啊!那个没关系啦!我还有另外一件一样的裤子。’ 她说:‘是啊,还好我把那件新的拿出来补那件被我烫坏的。’

3、Endearing terms

英语幽默故事:可爱的称呼

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, and you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."

Bernie应邀来到他的朋友Morris家吃晚餐。在朋友家,Bernie发现,不管问他老婆什么问题,Morris总要在每句话的前面加上一些亲密的称呼,象蜜糖,我的爱人,亲爱的,甜心等等。Bernie对Morris说,“你们夫妻俩真够亲密的,结婚这么多年了,你还叫她叫得那么亲密。”Morris低下头,小声地对Bernie说,“老实跟你说吧,三年前我忘记老婆的真名是什么了。”

4、Are you a normal person?你是正常人吗?

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director ..., "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?" "Well..." said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup." "Noooooooo!" answered the director. "A normal person would pull the plug."

参观一所精神病院的时候一个参观者问院长,“你们是用什么标准来决定一个人是否应该被关进精神病院呢?” “呃? ?”院长说,“是这样,我们先给一个浴缸放满水,然后我们给病人一个调茶匙,一个茶杯和一个水桶去把浴缸里面的水放清。” “噢,我明白了”, 参

观者说。“一个正常人会选择水桶, 因为水桶比茶匙,茶杯的体积大。” “错了”,“院长回答”“正常人会把浴缸塞子拔掉”。

5、英文幽默老虎来了

Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appears from a distance, running towards them.

One of the guys takes out a pair of "Nikes" from his bag and starts to put them on. The other guy with a surprised look and exclaims, "Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?"

His friend replies: "I don't have to out run it, I just have to run faster than you."

两个男人正在穿过丛林,突然,一只老虎出现在远处,向他们冲来。

其中的一个人从包里拿出一双“耐克”鞋,开始穿上。另一个人惊奇地看着他说,“你以为穿上这个就可以跑得过老虎吗?”

他的朋友回答道:“我不用跑得过它,我只要跑得比你快就行了。”

6、Another 40 Years to live

再活40年

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live." Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, lip-suction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color, figuring since she had so much more time to live, she might as well make the most of it. She got out of the hospital after the last operation and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 Years? "God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

一名中年妇女心脏病突发被送到了医院, 在手术台上,濒临死亡之际,她看到了上帝, 于是,她问上帝是不是她的日子到头了。 上帝回答说,“还没有,你还能活43年,2个月零8天。” 身体快要康复的时候,这名女士想到自己还要活那么多年,得好好对待自己,于是决定先不出院,而是去给自己整整容,吸吸脂,隆隆胸,然后还做了一个腹部拉皮和其它一些美容美体手术。 她甚至还请人到医院里面帮她头发给染了。 做完最后一个手术,这位女士出院了, 但就在过马路的时候,她被一辆风驰电挚赶回医院的救护车给撞死了。 再一次,她又站到了上帝的面前,她大惑不解地问上帝,“我记得你说我还能再活40年?” 上帝回答,“那个时候我没认出你来”。

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