英语幽默小故事(5000字)

发表于:2019.4.18来自:www.fanwen118.com字数:5000 手机看范文

英文幽默

1、 迟到的原因The Reason of Being Late eacher: Johnny, why are you late for school every morning?

Johnny: Every time I come to the corner, a guidepost says, 'School -- Go Slow'.

老 师:约翰尼,为什么你每天早晨都迟到?

约翰尼:每当我经过学校附近的拐角处,就见路牌上写着‘学校-缓行’。

2、 老虎来了

Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appears from a distance, running towards them.

One of the guys takes out a pair of "Nikes" from his bag and starts to put them on. The other guy with a surprised look and exclaims, "Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?"

His friend replies: "I don't have to out run it, I just have to run faster than you."

两个男人正在穿过丛林,突然,一只老虎出现在远处,向他们冲来。

其中的一个人从包里拿出一双“耐克”鞋,开始穿上。另一个人惊奇地看着他说,“你以为穿上这个就可以跑得过老虎吗?”

他的朋友回答道:“我不用跑得过它,我只要跑得比你快就行了。” 3、Lady First 女士优先

teacher asked her class: "Is the sentence ' The ox and the cow are in the fields' correct?" Most of the children said: "Yes, it is all right!" And only one little boy said: "No, it is not correct. The lady must be mentioned first."

女士优先

一位老师问班上的学生:”公牛和母牛在田里“这个句子对吗?” 大多数学生回答说:“对,一点不错。” 只有一个小男孩说:“不对,应该先说女士。”

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4、Endearing terms

英语幽默故事:可爱的称呼

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, and you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."

Bernie应邀来到他的朋友Morris家吃晚餐。在朋友家,Bernie发现,不管问他老婆什么问题,Morris总要在每句话的前面加上一些亲密的称呼,象蜜糖,我的爱人,亲爱的,甜心等等。Bernie对Morris说,“你们夫妻俩真够亲密的,结婚这么多年了,你还叫她叫得那么亲密。”Morris低下头,小声地对Bernie说,“老实跟你说吧,三年前我忘记老婆的真名是什么了。”

5、Are you a normal person?你是正常人吗?

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director ..., "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?" "Well..." said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup." "Noooooooo!" answered the director. "A normal person would pull the plug."

参观一所精神病院的时候一个参观者问院长,“你们是用什么标准来决定一个人是否应该被关进精神病院呢?” “呃? ?”院长说,“是这样,我们先给一个浴缸放满水,然后我们给病人一个调茶匙,一个茶杯和一个水桶去把浴缸里面的水放清。” “噢,我明白了”, 参观者说。“一个正常人会选择水桶, 因为水桶比茶匙,茶杯的体积大。” “错了”,“院长回答”“正常人会把浴缸塞子拔掉”。

6、Good use of cry 哭的妙用

The parents with their three-year-old son went to see film.

When they walked into the cinema, the attendant said to them,

“you’ll have to go out if your son cries. But we’ll refund

you the tickets.” About half an hour later, the husband

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asked his wife, “What do you think of the film?”

“I’ve never seen such a boring film.” His wife answered.

“It’s not worth seeing.”

“I don’t think much of it, either.” The husband said.

“Wake the child up and let him cry.”

一对夫妇带着他们3岁的儿子去看电影。进电影院时,服务员对他们说:“如果你们的儿子哭了,你们就得出去。不过我们会给你们退票的。”大约半个小时以后,丈夫对妻子说:“你觉得这电影怎么样?”“我从没看过这么没劲的电影。”妻子回答说,“真不值得看。”“我也不喜欢看。”丈夫说:“叫醒孩子,让他哭。”

7、Another 40 Years to live

再活40年

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live." Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, lip-suction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color, figuring since she had so much more time to live, she might as well make the most of it. She got out of the hospital after the last operation and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 Years? "God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

一名中年妇女心脏病突发被送到了医院, 在手术台上,濒临死亡之际,她看到了上帝, 于是,她问上帝是不是她的日子到头了。 上帝回答说,“还没有,你还能活43年,2个月零8天。” 身体快要康复的时候,这名女士想到自己还要活那么多年,得好好对待自己,于是决定先不出院,而是去给自己整整容,吸吸脂,隆隆胸,然后还做了一个腹部拉皮和其它一些美容美体手术。 她甚至还请人到医院里面帮她头发给染了。 做完最后一个手术,这位女士出院了, 但就在过马路的时候,她被一辆风驰电挚赶回医院的救护车给撞死了。 再一次,她又站到了上帝的面前,她大惑不解地问上帝,“我记得你说我还能再活40年?” 上帝回答,“那个时候我没认出你来”。

8、 What a Smart Wife家有笨妻

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A newly married woman was sitting on a chair,

looking vexed, when her husband came home.

"What's up? Why do you look so troubled?"

the husband asked. The woman replied,

"I'm so sorry. I was ironing your new suit and

burned a hole in your trousers." And the man said,

"That's all right. I have another pair that is exactly the same."

"Thank God you do. I used it to mend this pair,"

the wife responded.

有一个刚结婚的太太,坐在椅子那边,看起来很懊恼,她先生回家看到她这个样子,就问:‘嗨,你怎么啦?为什么看起来这么懊恼呢?’太太说:‘很抱歉,你那件新做的西装裤被我烫坏了,烫成一个洞了。’他先生说:‘啊!那个没关系啦!我还有另外一件一样的裤子。’ 她说:‘是啊,还好我把那件新的拿出来补那件被我烫坏的。’

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第二篇:英语幽默故事选网上搜集170多篇 144400字

英汉对照幽默故事选 1.

It was two weeks before Christmas, and Mrs. Smith was very busy. She bought a lot of Christmas cards to send to her friends and to her husband‘s friends, and put them on the table in the living room. Then ,when her husband came home from work , she said to him, ? Here are the Christmas cards for our friends, and here are some stamps, a pen and our book of addresses. Will you please write the cards while I am cooking the dinner?‘

Mr. Smith did not say anything, but walked out of the living-room and went to his study. Mrs. Smith was very angry with him, but did not say anything either.

Then a minute later he came back with a box full of Christmas cards. All of them had addresses and stamps on them.

?These are from last year,‘ he said. ?I forgot to post them.‘ 2.

Mrs. Jones was waiting for an important telephone call, but she had no bread in the house, so she left the baby at home and said to his five-year-old brother, ? I am going to the shops, Jimmy , and I will be back in a few minutes.‘

While she was out , the telephone rang, and Jimmy answered. ? Hullo,‘ said a man, ?is your mother there?‘

? no,‘ answered Jimmy.

?Well, when she comes back, say to her, ―Mr. Backer telephoned‖.‘ ?What?‘

?Mr. Baker. Write it down. B-A-K-E-R.‘ ?How do you make a B?‘

?How do I make…?Listen , little boy, is there anybody else with you ? Any brothers or sisters?‘ ?My brother Billy is here.‘

?Good, I want to talk to him, please.‘

?All right.‘ Jimmy took the telephone to the baby‘s bed and gave it to Billy. When their mother came back, she asked , ?Did anyone telephone?‘

‘Yes,‘ said Jimmy , ?a man. But he only wanted to talk to Billy.‘ 3.

Nasreddin had an old shed. It had no windows, so it was very dark, and it was full of old things.

One day Nasreddin went into this shed to get a ladder, but slipped on something and fell against a big garden fork. The fork hit him on the head and knocked him down . Then it fell on top of him and hit him hard on the left leg. The ends of the fork then went into his long beard. He fought with the fork fiercely, and at last threw it off him, jumped up and ran out of the shed. He was very angry. He had an old sword under his bed, and he now ran and got this. Then he ran back to the shed , opened the door suddenly and shouted in a terrible voice, ?All right, come out and fight, you and all the other forks in the world! I‘m not afraid of you!‘ 4.

A man always went to the same bar at the same time every day and asked for two glasses of beer. He drank them and then asked for two more.

One day the man behind the bar said to him, ?Why do you always ask for two glasses of beer? Why don‘t you get one big glass instead?‘

The man answered , ?Because I do not like to drink alone. I drink with my friend.‘ But a few days later the man came in and asked only for one beer. ? Oh, ‘said the barman, ?has your friend died?‘

?Oh , no,‘ said the man. ? He is very well. This beer is for him. But I have stopped drinking beer. My doctor doesn‘t want me to drink any more because it is dangerous for me.‘ 5.

Old Mr. Black loved shooting bears, but his eyes were not good any more. Several times he nearly shot people instead of bears, so his friends were always very careful when they went out shooting with him. One day a young friend of his wanted to have a joke , so he got a big piece of white paper and wrote on it in very gig letters ? I AM NOT A BEAR‘. Then he tied it to his back and went off. His friends saw it and laughed a lot.

But it did not save him. After a few minutes Mr. Black shot at him and knocked his hat off.

The young man was frightened and angry. ?Didn‘t you see this piece of paper?‘ he shouted to Mr. Black. ? Yes, I did,‘ said Mr. Black . Then he went nearer, looked carefully at the paper and said, ?Oh, I am very sorry . I did not see the word NOT.‘ 6.

Mrs. Brown‘s old grandfather lived with her and her husband. Every morning he went for a walk in the park and came home at half past twelve for his lunch.

But one morning a police car stopped outside Mrs. Brown‘s house at twelve o‘clock, and two policemen helped Mr. Brown to get out . One of them said to Mrs. Brown, ?The poor old gentleman lost his way in the park and telephoned to us for help, so we sent a car to bring him home.‘ Mrs. Brown was very surprised, but she thanked the policemen and they left.

‘But, Grandfather,‘ She then said, ? you have been to that park nearly every day for twenty years . How did you lose your way there?‘

The old man smiled, closed one eye and said, ? I didn‘t quite lose my way. I just got tired and I didn‘t want to walk home!‘ 7.

Helen‘s eyes were not very good, so she usually wore glasses. But when she was seventeen and she began to go out with a young man, she never wore her glasses when she was with him. When he came to the door to take her out, she took her glasses off, and when she came home again and he left, she put them on. One day her mother said to her, ?But Helen, why do you never wear your glasses when you are with Jim? He takes you to beautiful places in his car, but you don‘t see anything.‘

‘Well, Mother,‘ said Helen, ― I look prettier to Jim when I am not wearing my glasses –and he looks better to me too!‘

8.

A man was trying to build an electric motor –car. He worked in an office in the town during most of the week, but on Saturdays and Sundays he stayed at home in the country and worked on his electric car. Every Monday he told his friends at the office about his work on the car, but his news about it was never very good. Then at last one Monday morning he came to the office and said to his friends, ? I have done it! I have driven from my home to here by electricity!‘

His friends were all very glad. ?How much did it cost to get here by electricity?‘ they asked.

‘Three hundred and two pounds,‘ he answered. ?Two pounds for the electricity, and three hundred pounds for the electric wires from my house to the car.‘ 9.

An artist went to a beautiful part of the country for a holiday, and stayed with a farmer . Every day he went out with his paints and his brushes and painted from morning to evening, and then when it got dark, he went back to the farm and had a good dinner before he went to bed.

At the end of his holiday he wanted to pay the farmer, but the farmer said, ?No, I do not want money---but give me one of your pictures. What is money? In a week it will all be finished, but your painting will still be here.‘

The artist was very pleased and thanked the farmer for saying such kind things about his paintings.

The farmer smiled and answered, ?It is not that. I have a son in London. He wants to become an artist. When he comes here next month, I will show him your picture, and then he will not want to be an artist any more, I think.‘ 10.

Mr. Jones was very angry with his wife, and she was very angry with her husband . For several days they did not speak to each other at all . One evening Mr. Jones was very tired when he came back from work, so he went to bed soon after dinner. Of course, he did not say anything to Mrs. Jones before he went upstairs. Mrs. Jones washed the dinner things and then did some sewing. When she went up to bed much later than her husband, she found a piece of paper on the small table near her bed. On it were the words: ?Mother.—Wake me up at 7 a.m.—Father.‘

When Mr. Jones woke up the next morning , it was nearly 8 a. m. –and on the small table near his bed he saw another piece of paper. He took it and read these words: ?Father ---Wake up. It is 7 a. m.---Mother.‘ 11.The lights were red, so the old man stopped his car and waited for them to change to green. While he was waiting , a police car came up behind him, hit his car hard in the back and stopped.

There were two policemen in the police car, and they were very surprised and glad when the old man got out of his car and walked towards them without any trouble after such an accident. He was over 70 years old.

The old man came to the door of the police car, smiled kindly, and said,‘ Tell me, young man, how do you stop this car when the lights are red and I am not here?‘

12. Mrs. Williams loved flowers and had a small but beautiful garden. In the summer, her roses were always the best in her street. One summer afternoon her bell rang, and when she went to the front door, she saw a small boy outside. He was about seven years old, and was holding a big bunch of beautiful roses in his hand.

‘ I am selling roses,‘ he said . ? Do you want any? They are fresh. I picked them this afternoon.‘

‘My boy,‘ Mr. Williams answered, ?I pick roses whenever I want , and don‘t pay anything for them, because I have lots in my garden.‘

‘Oh, no, you haven‘t,‘ said the small boy. ?There aren‘t any roses in your garden—because they are here in my hand!‘ 13.

A woman was having some trouble with her heart, so she went to see the doctor. He was a new doctor , and did not know her, so he first asked some questions, and one of them was, ?How old are you?‘

‘Well,‘ she answered, ?I don‘t remember, doctor, but I will try to think.‘ She thought for a minute and then said, ?Yes, I remember now, doctor! When I married, I was eighteen years old, and my husband was thirty. Now my husband is sixty, I know, and that is twice thirty. So I am twice eighteen. That is thirty-six, isn‘t it?‘ 14.

One day Mrs. Jones went shopping. When her husband came home in the evening , she began to tell him about a beautiful cotton dress. ? I saw it in a shop this morning,‘ she said, ?and…‘ ‘And you want to buy it,‘ said her husband. ? How much does it cost?‘ ‘Fifteen pounds.‘

‘Fifteen pounds for a cotton dress? That is too much !‘

But every evening , when Mr. Jones came back from work, his wife continued to speak only about the dress, and at last , after a week, he said, ?Oh, buy the dress! Here is the money!‘ She was very happy. But the next evening , when Mr. Jones came home and asked, ?Have you got the famous dress?‘ she said, ?No.‘

‘Why not?‘ he said.

‘Well, it was still in the window of the shop after a week so I thought, ―Nobody else wants this dress, so I don‘t want it either‖.‘ 15.

One day a lady walked into a hat shop. The shopkeeper smiled and said, ?Good afternoon, madam.‘

‘Good afternoon,‘ the lady answered. ?There is a green hat with red flowers and blue leaves on it in your window. Will you please take it out of there.‘

‘Yes, madam,‘ the shopkeeper said. ? I will be very pleased to do that for you,‘ Usually ladies looked at a lot of hats before they chose one, and the shopkeeper got very tired. ?Good‘, he thought, ?I will sell this hat very quickly ---and it has been in my window for a very long time.‘ ‘Do you want it in a box, madam,‘ he asked , ?or will you wear it ?‘

‘Oh, I don‘t want it,‘ she answered. ? I only wanted you to take it out of your window. I pass your shop every day, and I hate to see the ugly thing there!‘ 16.

Nasreddin had a shed behind his house. It had no lights in it. One night he went out to the shed to get his ladder, and lost his ring there. He left the ladder, went out into the street and began to look around.

One of his friends saw him in the street outside his house, and said to him, ?Hullo, Nasreddin. What are you looking for?‘

‘My ring,‘ answered Nasreddin. ? It fell off my finger. It is a silver ring with a red stone in it.‘ ‘Oh, yes,‘ said his friend. ? I remember it . I will help you to look for it . Where did you lose it?‘ ‘ In my shed.‘

‘But why don‘t you look for it there?‘

‘Don‘t be stupid! It is quite dark in my shed , so how will I find my ring there? Here there is light from the lamps in the street.‘ 17.

Mrs. Andrews had a young cat, and it was the cat‘s first winter. One evening it was outside when it began to snow heavily. Mrs. Andrews looked everywhere and shouted its name, but she did not find it, so she telephoned the police and said, ? I have lost a small black cat. Has anybody found one?‘

‘No, madam,‘ said the policeman at the other end. ?But cats are really very strong animals. They sometimes live for days in the snow, and when it melts or somebody finds them, they are quite all right.‘ Mrs. Andrews felt happier when she heard this. ?And‘, she said, ?our cat is very clever. She almost talks.‘ The policeman was getting rather tired. ?Well then,‘ he said, ? Why don‘t you put your telephone down? Perhaps she is trying to telephone you now.‘ 18.

One morning Nasreddin left his house with six donkeys to go to the market. After a time , he got tired and got on to one of them. He counted the donkeys , and there were only five, so he got off and went to look for the sixth. He looked and looked but did not find it, so he went back to the donkeys and counted them again. This time there were six, so he got on to one of them again and they all started.

After a few minutes he counted the donkeys again, and again there were only five! While he was counting again a friend of his passed, and Nasreddin said to him, ? I left my house with six donkeys; then I had five; then I had six again; and now I have only five! Look! One , two, three, four, five.‘

‘But , Nasreddin,‘ said his friend, ?You are sitting on a donkey, too! That is the sixth! And you are the seventh!‘ 19.

One of Nasreddin‘s friends loved money very much, and never gave anything to anybody. Soon he became rich.

One day, he was walking near the river with his friends when he slipped and fell in. His friends ran to help him and one of them knelt on the ground, held out his hand and said, ?Give me your hand, and I will pull you out!‘ The rich man‘s head went under the water and then came up agai,n, but he did not give his friend his hand. Again another of his friends tried, but again the same thing happened.

Then Nasreddin said, ?Take my hand and I will pull you out!‘ The rich man took his hand , and Nasreddin pulled him out of the water.

‘You don‘t know our friend very well,‘ he said to the others. ?When you say ―Give‖ to him, he does nothing; but when you say ―Take‖, he takes!‘ 20. One day Nasreddin bought a donkey in the market; but while he was taking it home, two thieves followed him. One of them took the rope from the donkey‘s neck and tied it round his friend‘s neck. Then he went away with the donkey.

When Nasreddin got home, he turned and saw the young man. He was very surprised. ?Where is my donkey?‘ he said angrily.

‘I am very sorry,‘ said the thief,‘ but once I said some very bad things to my mother, and she changed me into a donkey. But because a good man bought me, I am now a man again! Thank you!‘ Nasreddin untied the man and said, ?Go! And never say bad things to your mother again!‘

The next day, Nasreddin saw the same donkey in the market again! The other thief was selling it. Nasreddin went to it and said into its ear, ? Young man, some people will never learn!‘ 21.

Nasreddin wanted to buy some new clothes, so he went to a shop. First he asked for some trousers and put them on, but then he took them off and gave them back to the shopkeeper and said, ?No, give me a coat instead of these.‘

The man gave him a coat, and said, ?This one costs the same as the trousers.‘ Nasreddin took the coat and walked out of the shop with it. The shopkeeper ran after him and said, ?You have not paid for that coat!‘ ‘But I gave you the trousers for the coat,‘ said Nasreddin. ?They cost the same as the coat, didn‘t they?‘ ‘Yes,‘ said the shopkeeper, ?But you didn‘t pay for the trousers either!‘

‘Of course I didn‘t !‘answered Nasreddin. ?I did not take them. I am not stupid! Nobody gives things back and then pays for them!‘ 22.

One day, the boys of Nasreddin‘s village said to him, ? You have a nice , fat sheep. Will you invite us to a party to eat it with you?‘

Nasreddin did not want the boys to eat his sheep, so he said, ? It is not fat enough yet.‘

‘But have you not heard?‘ they said. ? The world is going to end tomorrow, so the sheep will never get fat!‘

Nasreddin was getting tired of this , so he said, ?All right, boys, we will have a picnic tomorrow, and eat the sheep.‘

So the next morning they all went to the river, the boys took off their clothes and jumped into the water, and Nasreddin killed the sheep.

When the boys came out, their clothes were not there. ‘Where are our clothes, Nasreddin?‘ they asked.

‘Oh,‘ he answered, ? I made the fire to cook the sheep with your clothes. You will not need them again. The world is going to end today, don‘t you remember?‘ 23.

Whenever it rained, water came through Nasreddin‘s roof, so one day he got his ladder, climbed up on to the roof and began to mend it. It was quite difficult and dangerous work.

While he was up there, he suddenly saw an old man in the street. This man was waving to him. He wanted Nasreddin to come down. Nasreddin thought, ?What has happened? What news has this man got for me?‘

So he climbed down the ladder quickly. Several times he slipped and nearly broke his neck. When he got to the bottom, the old man said, ? I am a poor man. Please give me some money.‘

Nasreddin was very angry, but he said, ? Come up.‘ He helped the old man to climbed up the ladder and on to the roof. Then he said to him, ? I am a poor man too. I have no money for you. And now go down alone. I will not help you.‘ 24

One day Mr. Robbinson saw a lady in the street with ten children. He was very surprised because all the children were wearing the same clothes—White caps, dark blue coats and grey trousers. ‘ Are all those children yours?‘ he asked the mother. ‘Yes, they are,‘ she answered.

‘Do you always dress them in the same clothes?‘ asked Mr. Robbinson.

‘Yes,‘ answered the mother. ?When we had only four children, we dressed them in the same clothes because we did not want to lose any of them. It was easy to see our children when they were among other children , because they were all wearing the same clothes. And now, when we have ten, we dress them like this because we do not want to take other children home too by mistake. When there are other children among ours, it is easy to see them, because their clothes are different.‘ 25.

Mr. and Mrs. Brown lived in a small house near London with their child. Sometimes Mr. Brown came back from work very late, when his wife and the child were asleep, and then he opened the front door of his house with his key and came in very quietly.

But one night when he was coming home late, he lost his key, so when he reached his house, he rang the bell. Nothing happened. He rang it again. Again nothing happened –nobody moved inside the house . Mr. Brown knocked at the bedroom window, he spoke to his wife, he shouted, but she did not wake qp. At last he stopped and thought for a few seconds. Then he began to speak like a small child. ?Mother!‘ he said, ? I want to go to the lavatory!‘ He spoke quite quietly but at once Mrs. Brown woke up. Then he spoke to her, and she opened the door for him. 26.

Peter‘s uncle lived in the country. Once Peter went to stay with him for a few weeks. Whenever they went for a walk or for a drive in the car and they passed somebody, his uncle George, you know everybody here. Where did you meet them all?‘ ‘ I don‘t know all these people,‘ said his uncle. ‘Then why do you wave to them‘ asked Peter.

‘Well, Peter,‘ answered his uncle , ? When I wave to someone and he knows me, he is pleased. He continues his journey with a happier heart . But when I wave to someone and he doesn‘t know me, he is surprised and says to himself, ―Who is that man? Why did he wave to me?‖ So he has something to think about during the rest of his journey, and that makes his journey seem shorter. So I make everybody happy.‘ 27.

It was a beautiful spring morning. There wasn‘t a cloud in the sky, and the sun was warm but not too hot, so Mr. Andrews was surprised when he saw an old gentleman at the bus-stop with a big, strong black umbrella in his hand.

Mr. Andrews said to him, ? Are we going to have rain today, do you think?‘ ‘No‘, said the old gentleman, ? I don‘t think so.‘

‘Then are you carrying the umbrella to keep the sun off you?‘ ‘No, the sun is not very hot in spring.‘

Mr. Andrews looked at the big umbrella again, and the gentleman said, ? I am an old man, and my legs are not very strong, so I really need a walking-stick. But when I carry a walking –stick, people say, ―Look at that poor old man‖, and I don‘t like that. When I carry an umbrella in fine weather, people only say, ―Look at that stupid man.‖‘ 28.

One day Nasreddin went to a big dinner party. He was wearing old clothes, and when he came in, nobody looked at him and nobody gave him a seat at a table. So Nasreddin went home, put on his best clothes, and then went back to the party. The host at once got up and came to meet him. He took him to the best table , gave him a good seat , and offered him the best dishes. Nasreddin put his coat in the food and said, ?Eat, coat!‘

The other guests were very surprised and said, ? What are you doing?‘

Nasreddin answered, ? I was inviting my coat to eat. When I was wearing my old clothes, nobody looked at me or offered me food or drink. Then I went home and came back in these clothes, and you gave me the best food and drink . So you gave me these things for my clothes, not for myself.‘ 29.

Nasreddin wanted a big pot for a party, so he borrowed one from a neighbour. After the party he took it back with another small pot inside.

‘Your pot had a baby while it was with us,‘ He said.

Of course , the neighbour was very pleased, and when Nasreddin came to borrow the big pot again for another party, he lent it to him very gladly.

This time Nasreddin did not bring the pot back, so after a few days the man went to Nasreddin‘ s house. ‘What has happened to my pot?‘ he asked. ? Why have you not brought it back yet?‘ ‘Oh, the big pot?‘ said Nasreddin. ?It died while it was with us.‘ ‘Died?‘ said the neighbour angrily. ? But pots do not die!‘

‘Why do you say that?‘ answered Nasreddin . ?When I said, ―The pot has had a baby‖, you did not say, ―Pots do not have babies‖, did you?‘ 30

One day Nasreddin‘s donkey was ill, so he borrowed a horse from an officer. It was a big , strong animal, and usually nobody rode it except the officer. It tried to throw Nasreddin off, but he stayed on it. Then it suddenly began to run away with him . He tried to turn it towards his house, and he tried to stop it, but it continued to run the opposite way.

One of Nasreddin‘s friends was working in his field and saw him riding very fast towards this friend‘s house. He thought, ?Why is Nasreddin riding so fast? Perhaps he has some bad news . Perhaps he is riding to my house to give me some bad news!‘

He was frightened and shouted to Nasreddin, ?Nasreddin!Nasreddin! What is the matter? Where are you going?‘

‘I don‘t know!‘ Nasreddin shouted back. ?This stupid animal hasn‘t told me!‘ 31.

Every Saturday, Nasreddin went to the market to buy food and other things. He put them in a big basket, but he was old and weak, so he always paid another man to carry the basket home for him. But one Saturday, while he was walking home in front of the man with the basket, the man ran away with it.

The next Saturday, when Nasreddin went to the market, a friend of his said, ?Look, there he is! That man stole your things last week!‘

Nasreddin at once hid behind a shop, and stayed there until the man left the market. His friend was very surprised , ?Why did you do that?‘ he asked.

‘Well,‘ said Nasreddin, ?that man was carrying my basket when he left me a week ago. He will want me to pay him for seven days‘ work, and that will cost me more than a basket full of things!‘ 32.

Once , when Nasreddin was a boy, his mother went out for a picnic. Before she went , she said to him, ? Nasreddin , while I am away, stay near the door, and watch it all the time.‘ She said this because there were a lot of thieves in their town.

Nasreddin sat down beside the door. After an hour one of his uncles came. He said to Nasreddin, ?Where is your mother?‘

‘At a picnic,‘ he answered.

‘Well,‘ said the uncle, ?we are going to visit your house this evening. Go and tell her!‘

His uncle then went away, and Nasreddin began to think. ?Mother said, ―Watch the door all the time!‖ and Uncle said, ―Go and tell her!‖‘

He thought and thought ,then at last, he pulled the door down, put it on his back and went to his mother with it! 33.

Nasreddin was sitting by a window in his house one day in the middle of winter, when he heard women outside crying. He put his head out of the window, and saw a lot of people coming towards his huse. They were carrying a dead man, and the women were crying, ?Oh, why are you leaving us to go to a place without light and without a fire and without food? It will be dark there, and you will be cold and hungry. Nobody will look after you, nobody will be kind to you, and nobody will love you there!‘

‘My God!‘ said Nasreddin to his wife. ? They are talking about our house. They are bringing the dead man here! Quick, lock the door! Don‘t let him in!‘ 34.

One day when Nasreddin was travelling , he came to a village. The people there said to him, ? We have had no rain for three months, and we have no water. Our corn is dying. Please help us! Pray for rain!‘

Nasreddin wanted to help these poor people , so he asked for a bucket of water. There was very little water in the village, but each family gave a little, and they filled a bucket and gave it to Nasreddin.

Then Nasreddin took off his shirt and began to wash it. The people were surprised and angry. ?That water was for our children to drink, and you are washing your shirt in it!‘

But Nasreddin said, ?Wait!‘ He hung the shirt up to dry, and at once it began to rain.

‘I have only one shirt,‘ he said to the surprised people, ?and when I wash it and hang it up to dry, it always rains.‘ 35.

Three people were walking along a street, first a big man, then a pretty woman, and then an old gentleman. The first two went round a corner. Suddenly the gentleman saw a piece of paper on the ground. He picked it up. It was five pounds. A few seconds later, the young woman came back. She was crying . ?I have dropped five pounds,‘ she said.

‘Don‘t cry‘, said the gentleman. ?Here it is.‘ The young woman thanked him and went away. After a few seconds, the big man came back. He was looking for something. Suddenly a window opened and a small man looked out. ? I saw five pounds fall from your pocket,‘ he said, ?but that man gave it to a young woman.‘ The big man was very angry. The gentleman was frightened and gave him another five pounds.When he had gone, the young woman came back to get her one pound thirteen shillings and four pence, and the small man came out to get his. 36.

Nasreddin liked fish very much, and when he had enough money, he bought some for his dinner when he went to the market , and took it home. But when his wife saw the fish , she always said to herself, ?Good! Now I will invite my friends to lunch and we will eat this fish. They like fish very much.‘

So when Nasreddin came home in the evening after his work, the fish was never there, and his wife always said, ? Oh, your cat ate it! She is a very bad animal!‘ And she gave Nasreddin soup and rice for his dinner.

But one evening when this happened, Nasreddin became very angry. He took the cat and his wife to the shop near his house and weighed the cat carefully. Then he turned to his wife and said, ?My fish weighed three pounds. This cat weighs three pounds too. My fish is here, you say. Then where is my cat?‘ 37.

One day when Nasreddin was having a bath, he began to sing. The bathroom was small and had a stone floor, so his song was very beautiful, he thought.

‘Oh,‘ he said, ? I sing very well. I will sing to other people too, and perhaps I will become a famous singer, and everybody in the world will want to hear me.‘

So after his bath Nasreddin went up on to the flat roof of the house and began to sing his song very loudly. But he did not like it very much when he sang it there.

A man was walking across the square in front of the house , and when he heard Nasreddin , he said, ? What are you doing? You are making a terrible noise. Nobody wants to hear it.‘

‘Oh, you think so, do you?‘ answered Nasreddin . ?Well, I really sing very beautifully. Come to my bathroom and you will hear me.‘ 38.

The police in the big city were looking for a thief. At last they caught him. But while they were taking photographs of him---from the left, from the right, with a hat, without a hat----he suddenly attacked the

policemen and ran off. They tried to catch him, but he got away.

Then a week later the telephone rang in the police-station, and somebody said, ? You are looking for Bill Cross, aren‘t you?‘ ‘ Yes.‘

‘Well, he left here for Waterbridge an hour ago.‘

Waterbridge was a small town about 100 miles from the city. The city police at once sent four different photographs of the thief to the police in Waterbridge.

Less than twelve hours later they got a telephone call from the police in Waterbridge. ?We have caught three of the men‘, they said happily, ?and we will catch the fourth this evening , we think.‘ 39.

Mrs. Jones was still cleaning the house when her husband came back from work. She was wearing dirty, old clothes and no stockings, her hair was not tidy, she had dust on her face, and she looked dirty and tired. Here husband looked at her and said, ?Is this what I come home to after a hard day‘s work?‘

Mrs. Jones‘s neighbour, Mrs. Smith, was there. When she heard Mr. Jones‘s words, she quickly said goodbye and ran back to her house. Then she washed, brushed and combed her hair carefully, put on her best dress and her prettiest stockings, painted her face, and waited for her husband to come home.

When he arrived, he was hot and tired. He walked slowly into the house, saw his wife and stopped. Then he shouted angrily, ?And where are you going this evening?‘ 40.

Billy was four years old and he was a very bad boy. Every day after lunch his mother took him to his bedroom and put him on his bed to rest for an hour, but Billy never slept and usually he made a lot of noise and got off his bed every few minutes.

One afternoon, Billy‘s mother put him on his bed and then went to her bedroom to do some sewing. After ten minutes, she heard a noise so she went to Billy‘s room .He was not there, but his trousers were lying on his bed.

She looked in the other rooms upstairs, but he was not there either, so she went to the top of the stairs and shouted down angrily, ?Are you running about down there without your trousers?‘

‘No, madam,‘ answered a man‘s voice. ? I have brought your vegetables---and I am wearing my trousers.‘ 41.

An old lady in an aeroplane had a blanket over her head and she did not want to take it off. The air hostess spoke to her, but the old lady said, ?I have never been in an aeroplane before, and I am frightened. I am going to keep this blanket over my head until we are back on the ground again!‘

Then the captain came. He said, ?Madam, I am the captain of this aeroplane. The weather is fine, there are no clouds in the sky, and everything is going very well.‘ But she continued to hide.

So the captain turned and started to go back. Then the old lady looked out from under the blanket with one eye and said, ? I am sorry, young man, but I don‘t like aeroplanes and I am never going to fly again. But I‘ll say one thing,‘ she continued kindly, ‘you and your wife keep your aeroplane very clean!‘ 42. An artist had a small daughter. Sometimes he painted women without any clothes on, and he and his wife always tried to keep the small girl out when he was doing this. ?She is too young to understand ,‘ they said.

But one day, when the artist was painting a woman with no clothes on, he forgot to lock the door, and the little girl suddenly ran into the room. Her mother ran up stairs after her, but when she got to the top, the little girl was already in the room and looking at the woman. But her parents waited for her to speak.

For a few seconds the little girl said nothing, but then she ran to her mother and said angrily, ?Why do you let her go about without shoes and socks on when you don‘t let me?‘ 43.

It was a small factory, and there was nowhere to eat near it, so the workmen took food from their homes and ate it in the factory at midday.

One of the workmen always had fish sandwiches. Every day he took one of them out of his bag, bit it, and then threw all the sandwiches angrily away.

At last , one day one of the workmen said to him, ? But ,Bill, don‘t you like dish sandwiches?‘ ‘No,‘ said Bill, ?I hate them.‘

‘Then why does your wife make them for you every day? There are lots of other nice things for sandwiches. Tell your wife , and she will make other sandwiches.‘

‘It isn‘t as easy as that,‘ answered Bill. ?I haven‘t got a wife . I make the sandwiches myself.‘ 44.

Mrs. Brown had a small garden behind her house, and in the spring she planted some vegetables in it. She looked after them very carefully, and when the summer came, they looked very nice.

One evening Mrs. Brown looked at her vegetables and said, ?Tomorrow I am going to pick them, and then we can eat them.‘

But early the next morning , her son ran into the kitchen and shouted, ? Mother , Mother! Come quickly! Our neighbour‘s ducks are in the garden and they are eating our vegetables!‘

Mrs. Brown ran out , but it was too late! All the vegetables were finished! Mrs. Brown cried, and her neighbour was very sorry, but that was the end of the vegetables.

Then a few days before Christmas, the neighbour brought Mrs. Brown a parcel. In it was a beautiful, fat duck, and on it was a piece of paper with the words, Enjoy your vegetables!‘ 45.

The ladies‘ club always had a meeting every Friday afternoon and someone came to talk to them about important things. After that, they had tea and asked questions.

One Friday, a gentleman came and talked to the club about food. ?There is not enough food in the world for everybody,‘ he said. ?More than half the people in the world are hungry. And when they get more food, they have more babies, so they never stop being hungry. Somewhere in the world, a woman is having a baby every minute, day and night. What are we going to do about it?‘ He waited for a few seconds before he continued, but before he began to speak again, one of the ladies said, ?Well, why don‘t we find that woman and stop her?‘ 46.

A man had some work to do in Switzerland, so he said goodbye to his wife at the airport, got into an aeroplane and left. After ten days , his work in Switzerland was finished, so he bought a ticket for his journey back home, and then went to the post-office to send a telegram to his wife. He wrote the telegram, gave it to the clerk and said, ?How much will this cost?‘

She told him, and he counted his Swiss money. He had not got quite enough.

‘Take the word ― love‖ off my telegram,‘ he said, ? and then I will have enough money to pay for it.‘ ‘No,‘ the girl said. She opened her handbag, took the money for the world ?love‘ out of it and said, ?For the word ―love‖ , I will pay the money. Wives need that word from their husbands.‘ 47.

Mrs. Jones‘s telephone number was 3463, and the number of the cinema in her town was 3464, so people often made a mistake and telephoned her when they wanted the cinema.

One evening the telephone bell rang and Mrs. Jones answered it . A tired man said, ?At what time does your last film begin?‘

‘I am sorry,‘ said Mrs. Jones, ?but you have the wrong number. This is not the cinema.‘ ‘Oh, it began twenty minutes ago?‘ said the man. ? I am sorry about that. Goodbye.‘

Mrs. Jones was very surprised, so she told her husband. He laughed and said, ? The man‘s wife wanted to go to the cinema, but he was feeling tired, so he telephoned the cinema. His wife heard him, but she didn‘t hear you. Now they will stay at home this evening, and the husband will be happy!‘ 48.

It was a few days before Christmas, so when the office closed at half past five, most of the young men and typists stayed and had a party. They ate and drank, danced and sang songs, and nobody wanted to go home. But Joe had a wife at home, and lived quite a long way from the city. Every few minutes he looked at his watch, and at last, when it was very late, he began to leave.

‘Joe!‘ shouted his friends. ?Are you leaving? Why don‘t you stay and enjoy the party?‘

‘I am not leaving,‘ said Joe. ?I am only going down to the station to miss the last train back home. I will be back here in a few minutes.‘ 49.

Mr. Jones and Mr. Brown worked in the same office. One day Mr. Jones said to Mr. Brown, ? We are going to have a small party at our house next Wednesday evening. Will you and your wife come?‘

Mr. Brown said, ?Thank you very much. That is very kind of you.We are free that evening, I think, but I will telephone my wife and ask her . Perhaps she wants to go somewhere that evening .‘ So Mr. Brown went to the other room and telephoned. When he came back, he looked very surprised. ‘What is the matter?‘ said Mr. Jones. ? Did you speak to your wife?‘

‘No,‘ answered Mr. Brown. ?She wasn‘t there. My small son answered the telephone. I said to him, ―Is your mother there, David?‖ and he answered, ―No, she is somewhere outside‖. ―What is she doing?‖ ―She is looking for me.‖‘ 50.

When you have a post-office box, the postman does not bring letters to you, but you go to the post-office and get your letters and parcels from your box. The box is locked, and you have the key, so the letters are quite safe.

One day, the headmaster of a school wrote to the post-office and asked for a post-office box for his school. He soon got an answer: It said, ?We will give you a post-box in one month.‘

Three months later, the headmaster wrote to the post-office again and said, ? Why haven‘t we got a post-office box yet?‘

This was the answer from the post-office: ‘Dear Sir,

We gave you a post-office box two months ago and wrote to you then to tell you. Here is the key to your box. You will find our letter to you in it.‘ 51.

One night there was a heavy snowstorm, and in the morning Mr. Smith‘s garden was full of deep snow . Mr. Smith wanted to take his car out, so he paid a man to clean the path from his garage to his gate . He said to this man, ?Don‘t throw any snow on that side, because it will damage the bushes in my garden; and don‘t throw any on the other side, because it will break my fence. And don‘t throw any into the street, or the police will be angry.‘ Then Mr. Smith went out.When he came back, the path was clean and the snow from it was not on the bushes, or the fence, or the street. Mr. Smith was very pleased--- until he opened the garage to get his car out! The garage was full to the top with all the snow from the path, and his car was somewhere under it all! 52.

At the beginning of the First World War, John Robinson was a soldier in the army. He went to France with a lot of other soldiers, and lived in a cold, wet, muddy camp. The rain came into is tent, there was mud and water on the floor, and the food was not good.

Then he became an officer and went to work in the army in Paris. He lived very pleasantly there in a warm house, had very good food, and enjoyed himself.

After some months, he met one of his old friends from the camp. ‘You made a big mistake when you left our camp,‘ said this friend. ?Oh?‘ said John Robinson. ?Why?‘

‘Well,‘ said the soldier, ?the week after you left, they put wood floors in our tents!‘ 53.

Mr. Andrews had a new telephone number. Before he got it, it was the number of a shop. The shop now had a new number, but a lot of women did not know this, so they still telephoned the old one.

At first, Mr. and Mrs. Andrews always said, ? We are sorry. You have the wrong number. The shop has a new one now.‘

But women still continued to telephone them to ask for things, so after some time, Mr. and Mrs. Andrews began to answer them like this:

‘Good morning, madam. What do you want us to send you today?‘ They thought, ?Perhaps they will stop telephoning to us when they don‘t get their things.‘ But this did not help Mr. and Mrs. Andrews , because now women began to telephone them more and more ,and to say angrily, ? Where are my things? They have not come yet! Why haven‘t you send them yet?‘

54.

It was Christmas, and there was a big party in the house. Guests came and went, but the party continued. Then the bell rang. Several people shouted, ?Come in !‘ and a small man opened the front door and came in. Nobody knew him but the host went to meet him and took him to the bar for a drink. The man sat there happily for an hour and a half and drank. Then suddenly he stopped and looked at his host, ?Do you know,‘ he said, ? nobody invited me to this party. I don‘t know you, And I don‘t know your wife and I don‘t know any of your guests. My wife and I wanted to go out in our car, but one of your guests‘ cars was in front of our gate, so I came here to find him---and my wife is waiting in our car for me to come back!‘ 55.

Jack was a young sailor. He lived in England, but he was often away with his ship.

One summer he came back from a long voyage and found new neighbours near his mother‘s house. They had a pretty daughter, and Jack soon loved her very much.

He said to her, ?My next voyage will begin in a few days‘ time, Gloria. I love you, and I‘ll marry you when I come back. I‘ll think about you all the time, and I‘ll write to you and send you a present from every port.‘

Jack‘s first port was Freetown in Africa, and he sent Gloria a parrot from there. It spoke five languages. When Jack‘s ship reached Australia, there was a letter from Gloria. It said, ? Thank you for the parrot, Jack. It tasted much better than a chicken.‘ 56.

Fanny and Ethel worked in the same office, and they were neighbours at home. Fanny was rather a careless girl, and she often lost things. Then she usually went to Ethel to borrow more from her. Ethel was a kind girl, but she sometimes got tired of lending things to her friend.

One Saturday afternoon Fanny knocked at Ethel‘s front door, and when Ethel came to open it, Fanny said to her. ?Oh, hullo, Ethel. Please lend me a bag. I‘ve lost mine. I‘m going to the shops, and I feel very stupid when I haven‘t got anything in my hand when I go out in the street.‘

Ethel laughed and answered, ? Well, Fanny, go down to the end of the garden . You‘ll find a nice wheelbarrow in the shed there. Take that when you go down to the shops. Then you‘ll have something in both of your hands.‘ 57.

Dave married , and when his new wife saw the clothes in his cupboard, she said, ?Dave, you have only got one good shirt. The others are very old, and they‘ve got holes in them. I‘m going to buy you a new one this afternoon.‘

Dave liked his old shirts, but he loved his wife too, so he said, ?All right, Beryl, but please don‘t throw any of the old ones away.‘

Dave went to work, and when he came back in the evening , Beryl said to him, ?look, Dave, I‘ve bought you a nice shirt. Here it is. Put it on.‘

Dave put the shirt on, and then he said, ?look at the sleeves, Beryl. They‘re too long.‘ ‘That‘s all right,‘ Beryl answered. ?They‘ll get shorter when I wash the shirt.‘ Then Dave said, ?But the neck‘s too small.‘ ‘That‘s all right,‘ Beryl answered. ?It‘ll get bigger when you wear the shirt, Dave.‘ 58,

Mrs.. Williams lived in a small street in London, and now she had a new neighbour. Her name was Mrs.. Briggs ,and she talked a lot about her expensive furniture, her beautiful carpets and her new kitchen.

‘Do you know,‘ she said to Mrs.. Williams one day, ?I‘ve got a new dishwasher. It washes the plated and glasses and knives and forks beautiful.‘

‘Oh?‘ Mrs.. Williams answered. ?And does it dry them and put them in the cupboard too?‘Mrs.. Briggs was surprised. ? Well,‘ she answered, ?the things in the machine are dry after an hour, but it doesn‘t put them away, of course.‘

‘I‘ve had a dishwasher for twelve and a half years,‘ Mrs.. Williams said.

‘Oh?‘ Mrs.. Briggs answered. ―And does yours put the things in the cupboard when it has washed them?‘ She laughed nastily.

‘Yes, he does,‘ Mrs.. Williams answered. ?He dries the dishes and puts them away.‘

59.One day a man went to see his doctor and said to him, ?I‘ve swallowed a horse, doctor, and I feel very ill.‘

The doctor thought for a few seconds and then said, ?All right, Mr.. Lloyd, I‘ll help you. Please lie down on this bed.‘

The doctor‘s nurse gave the man an injection, the man went to sleep, and the doctor went out quickly to look for a horse in the town.

After half an hour he found one, borrowed it and took it into his office, so when Mr.. Lloyd woke up, it was there in front of him.

‘Here‘s the horse, Mr.. Lloyd,‘ the doctor said. ?I‘ve taken it out of your stomach, and it won‘t give you any more trouble now.‘

At first Mr.. Lloyd was happy, but then he looked at the horse again and said, ?But , doctor, my horse was white, and this one‘s brown!‘ 60.

A history teacher was talking to his class about the ancient Romans.

‘They were very strong, brave people, and they were good soldiers,‘ he said. ?They always wanted to have strong bodies, so they played a lot of games.‘

‘Did they like swimming ?‘ one of the girls asked. ?That makes people‘s bodies strong.‘ She was very good at swimming.

‘Oh, yes, some of them swam a lot,‘ the teacher answered. Then he told them a story about one famous Roman.

‘There was a big, wide river in the middle of Rome‘, he said. ?It was the Tiber, and this man swam across it three times every day before breakfast.‘ The girl laughed when she heard this.

‘Why are you laughing?‘ the teacher asked her angrily. ?Have I said anything funny?‘

‘Well, sir,‘ the girl answered, ?Why didn‘t he swim across the river four times, to get back to his clothes again?‘

61.

Betty Brown was five years old, and her mother wanted her to begin going to school, because she wanted to start working in an office again.

A month before the beginning of the school year Mrs.. Brown began telling Betty about school. ?It‘s very nice,‘ she said. ?You‘ll play games and paint pictures and sing songs.‘

Mrs.. Brown began doing these things with Betty. Betty liked the games and the painting and the singing very much, but she always wanted to be near her mother, so Mrs.. Brown was rather afraid and thought, ?What will she do when I leave her at school?‘

But on the first day at school. Betty was very good. She did not cry, and she was happy.

On the second morning Mrs.. Brown said, ?Put your clothes on, Betty. I‘m going to take you to school in half an hour‘s time.‘

‘School?‘ Betty said . ?But I‘ve been to school!‘ 62.

One morning Mrs.. Perry said to her husband, ?Jack, there‘s a meeting of our ladies‘ club at Mrs.. Young‘s house at lunch time today, and I want to go to it. I‘ll leave you some food for your lunch. Is that all right?‘ ‘Oh, yes,‘ her husband answered, ?that‘s quite all right. What are you going to leave for my lunch?‘ ‘This tin of fish,‘ Mrs.. Perry said. ?And there are some cold, boiled potatoes and some beans here ,too.‘ ‘Good,‘ Mr.. Perry answered. ? I‘ll have a good lunch.‘

So Mrs.. Perry went to her meeting . All the ladies had lunch at Mrs.. Young‘s house, and at three o‘clock Mrs.. Perry came home.

‘Was your fish nice, Jack?‘ she asked.

‘Yes, but my foot are hurting,‘ he answered. ‘Why are they hurting?‘ Mrs.. Perry asked.

‘Well, the words on the tin were, ―Open tin and stand in hot water for five minutes.‖‘ 63.

Miss Green was very fat. She weighed 100 kilos, and she was getting heavier every month, so she went to see her doctor.

He said, ?You need a diet, Miss Green, and I‘ve got a good one here.‘ He gave her a small book and said, ?Read this carefully and eat the tings on page11 every day. Then come back and see me in two weeks‘ time.‘

Miss Green came again two weeks later, but she wasn‘t thinner; she was fatter. The doctor was surprised and said, ?Are you eating the things on [age11 of the small book?‘ ‘Yes, doctor,‘ she answered.

The next day the doctor visited Miss Green during her dinner. She was very surprised to see him. ‘Miss Green‘ he said, ?Why are you eating potatoes and bread? They aren‘t in your diet.‘ ‘But , doctor,‘ Miss Green answered, ?I ate my diet at lunch time . This is my dinner.‘ 64.

Rose left school when she was seventeen years old and went to a college for a year to learn to type. She passed her examinations quite well and then went to look for work. She was still living with her parents. A lot of people were looking for typists at that time, so it was not difficult to find interesting work. Rose went to several offices, and then chose one of them. It was near her parents‘ house. She thought, ?I‘ll walk there every morning . I won‘t need to go by bus.‘

She went to the office again and said to the manager, ?I want to work here, but what will you pay me?‘ ‘We‘ll pay you 27 pounds now,‘ the manager answered, ?and 30 pounds after three months.‘

Rose thought for a few seconds before she answered . Then she said, ?All right, then I‘ll start in three months‘ time.‘ 65.

Mr.. Day was a teacher at a school in a big city in the north of England. He usually went to France or Germany for a few weeks during his summer holidays, and he spoke French and Germany quite well. But one year Mr.. Day said to one of his friends, ? I‘m going to have a holiday in Athens. But I don‘t speak Greek, so I‘ll go to evening classes and have Greek lessons for a months before I go.‘ He studied very hard for a month, and then his holidays began and he went to Greece.

When he came back a few weeks later, his friend said to him, ?Did you have any trouble with your Greek when you were in Athens, Dick?‘

?No, I didn‘t have any trouble with it,‘ answered Mr.. Day. ?But the Greeks did!‘ 66.

Mr.. Pearce liked shooting ducks very much. Whenever he had a free day , he went out shooing with his friends.

But one summer he said to himself, ?I‘ve never been to the mountains. My holidays are going to begin soon, so I‘m going to go to the mountains and shoot deer. They‘re more interesting ducks, I think.‘

So when his holidays began, Mr.. Pearce went to the station, bought his ticket and was soon in the mountains.

He got out at a small station and walked through fields and forests for a few kilometres. Then he saw a farmer in a field.

‘Good morning,‘ Mr.. Pearce said to him . ?Are there any deer here?‘

‘Well,‘ answered the farmer slowly , ?there was one last year, but all the gentlemen from the town came and shot at it , and it‘s gone somewhere else now, I think.‘ 67.

Mr.. Leonard was twenty-three years old and not very rich. He was not married and he lived in two rooms in a small house in a city.

Every summer , Mr.. Leonard went down to the sea for a holiday. He stayed in small, cheap hotels, but he always wanted to have a clean , tidy room. He hated dirty places.

One summer a friend of his said, ?Go to the Tower Hotel in Whitesea. I went there last year, and it was very nice and clean.;‘

So Mr.. Leonard went to the Tower Hotel in Whitesea. But there was a different manager that year. The new manager took Mr.. Leonard to his room. The room looked quite nice nad clean, but Mr.. Leonard said to the manager, ?Are the sheets on the bed clean?‘

?Yes, of course they are!‘ he answered angrily, ?We washed them this morning . Feel them. They‘re

still damp.‘ 68.

Two years after Tom and Elizabeth married , they went to live in a small flat in a big city. They were both quite young. Tom was twenty-six and Elizabeth was twenty-two . Tom worked in a bank, and Elizabeth worked in a big office.

Elizabeth always cooked the dinner when they got home, and when they had meat, Tom always cut it up when they sat down to eat.

While Tom was cutting the meat up one evening, Elizabeth said to him, ?When we were first married, Tom, you always gave me the bigger piece of meat when you cut it, and you kept the smaller one for yourself. Now you do the opposite: you give me the smaller piece and keep the bigger one for yourself. Why do you do that? Don‘t you love me any more?‘

Her husband laughed and answered . ?Oh, no, Elizabeth. It isn‘t that! It‘s because you‘ve learned to cook now!‘ 69.

Mrs.. Jenkins went to see her doctor one day, because her heart was giving her trouble.

The doctor listened to her heart carefully and did a few other things .Then he said, ?Well, Mrs.. Jenkins, stop smoking, and then you‘ll soon be quite all right again.‘

?But doctor,‘ answered Mrs.. Jenkins quickly, ?I‘ve never smoked. I don‘t like smoking.‘ ?Oh, well,‘ said the doctor, ?then don‘t drink any more alcohol.‘ ?But I don‘t drink alcohol.‘ Answered Mrs.. Jenkins at once. ?Stop drinking tea and coffee then,‘ the doctor said to her.

?I only drink water,‘ answered Mrs.. Jenkins . ?I don‘t like tea or coffee.‘

The doctor thought for a few seconds and then said, ?Well, …er …do you like fried potatoes?‘ ‘Yes, I like them very much,‘ answered Mrs.. Jenkins .

‘All right, then stop eating those,‘ said the doctor as he got up to say goodbye to Mrs.. Jenkins. 70.

John liked chocolates very much, but his mother never gave him any, because they were bad for his teeth, she thought. But John had a very nice grandfather .The old man loved his grandson very much, and sometimes he brought John chocolates when he came to visit him. Then his mother let him eat them, because she wanted to make the old man happy.

One evening, a few days before John‘s seventh birthday, he was saying his prayers in his bedroom before he went to bed. ?Please , God,‘ he shouted, ?make them give me a big box of chocolates for my birthday on Saturday.‘

His mother was in the kitchen, but she heard the small boy shouting and went into his bedroom quickly. ‘Why are you shouting, John?‘ she asked her son. ?God can hear you when you talk quietly.‘

‘I know,‘ answered the clever boy with a smile, ?but Grandfather‘s in the next room, and he can‘t .‘ 71.

It was Jimmy‘s birthday, and he was five years old. He got quite a lot of nice birthday presents from his family, and one of them was a beautiful big drum. ‘Who gave him that thing?‘ Jimmy‘s father said when he saw it. ‘His grandfather did,‘ answered Jimmy‘s mother. ‘‘Oh,‘ said his father.

Of course, Jimmy liked his drum very much. He made terrible noise with it, but his mother did not mind. His father was working during the day, and Jimmy was in bed when he got home in the evening , so he did not hear the noise .

But one of the neighbours did not like the noise at all, so one morning a few days later, she took a sharp knife and went to Jimmy‘s house while he was hitting his drum. She said to him, ?Hullo, Jimmy. Do you know, there‘s something very nice inside your drum. Here‘s a knife. Open the drum and let‘s find it.‘ 72.

When Tom Howard was seventeen years old he was as tall as his father, sohe began to borrow Mr.. Howard‘s clothes when he wanted to go out with his friends in the evening.

Mr.. Howard did not like this, and he always got very angry when he found his son wearing any of his things.

One evening when Tom came downstairs to go out , his father stopped him in the hall. He looked at Tom‘s clothes very carefully.

Then he said angrily, ?Isn‘t that one of my ties, Tom?‘ ‘Yes, Father , it is,‘ answered Tom.

‘And that shirt‘s mine too, isn‘t it?‘ his father continued. ‘Yes, that‘s yours too,‘ answered Tom.

‘And you‘re wearing my belt!‘ said Mr.. Howard.

‘Yes, I am, Father,‘ answered Tom. ?You don‘t want your trousers to fall down, do you?‘ 73.

Mr.. Yates was nearly ninety, so it was often difficult for him to remember things, but he still liked travelling very much, so he and his wife went to Spain every year. One summer when they were there, they went to visit some friends. These people had two young daughters.

One afternoon Mr.. Yates was talking to one of the girls in the garden after lunch. ?You and your sister were ill when my wife and I were here last year, weren‘t you?‘ he said to her . ‘Yes, we were,‘ answered the girl. ?We were very ill.‘

The old man said nothing for a minute, because he was thinking . Then at last he said, ?Oh, yes, I remember now! One of you died . Which one of you was it, you or your sister?‘ The girl answered , ?It was me.‘

‘Oh, I‘m very sorry to hear it,‘ said the old man. 74.

Carol Roberts left school when she was seventeen and then thought, ?What‘s going to happen now? I want to marry a nice, young man and have children, but no nice, young men have asked me yet. Will I meet one soon, and will he want to marry me?‘

She spoke to her best friend about these questions, and her best friend said, ?Go and ask a fortune-teller. Perhaps she‘ll give you the answers.‘

So Carol went to see a fortune-teller. The fortune-teller said to her, ?I‘ll give you answers to two questions. It‘ll cost you five pounds.‘

Carol was surprised . She thought for some time, but at last she paid the money. Then she said to the fortune-teller, ?Isn‘t that very expensive for only two questions?‘

‘Yes, it is,‘ answered the fortune-teller. ?And now what‘s your second question?‘ 75.

Jack had a small , red car, and he liked driving it very fast. This was all right when he was out in the country, but in towns and big villages driving fast is dangerous, so there is always a speed limit .In Jack‘s country it was fifty kilometres an hour. Jack often drove faster than that through towns.

One day Jack was driving his small, red car through a town when a very young policeman stopped him and said, ?You were driving at more than fifty kilometres an hour, sir. Please give me your name and address.‘

Jack looked at the young policeman carefully for a few seconds and then said to him , ?But I started my journey less than an hour ago!‘

The policeman was new to this work and did not know the answer to Jack‘s excuse. He thought for a few seconds and then let Jack go. 76.

Dick was seven years old, and his sister, Catherine, was five . One day their mother took them to their aunt‘s house to play while she went to the big city to buy some new clothes.

The children played for an hour, and then at half past four their aunt took Dick into the kitchen. She gave him a nice cake and a knife and said to him, ?Now here‘s a knife, Dick. Cut this cake in half and give one of the pieces to your sister, but remember to do it like a gentleman.‘ ‘Like a gentleman?‘ Dick asked. ?How do gentleman do it?‘

‘They always give the bigger piece to the other person,‘ answered his aunt at once.

‘Oh,‘ said Dick. He thought about this for a few seconds. Then he took the cake to his sister and said to her, ?Cut this cake in half, Catherine.‘ 77.

A small boy and his father were having a walk in the country when it suddenly began to rain very hard. They did not have their umbrellas with them, and there was nowhere to hide from the rain, so they were soon very wet, and the small boy did not feel very happy.

For a long time while they were walking home through the rain, the boy was thinking. Then at last he turned to his father and said to him, ?Why does it rain, Father? It isn‘t very nice , is it?‘

‘No, it isn‘t very nice, but it‘s very useful, Tom,‘ answered his father. ?It rains to make the fruit and the vegetables grow for us, and to make the grass grow for the cows and sheep.‘

Tom thought about this for a few seconds, and then he said, ?Then, why does it rain on the road too, Father?‘ 78.

A man went into a bar, sat down, called the barman and said to him, ?Give me a drink before the trouble starts.‘ The barman was busy with other people, so he did not say anything, but he gave the man the drink , and the man drank it quickly. Then he put his glass down, called the barman again and said to him, ?Give me another one before the trouble starts.‘

Again the barman was too busy to say anything, so he gave the man his drink and went away. The man drank that too, and then again he called the barman and said to him, ?One mare drink before the trouble starts , please.‘

This time the barman was not very busy, so when he brought the man his third drink, he said to him, ?What trouble are you talking about?‘

The man answered , ?I haven‘t got any money.‘ 79.

A man and his wife had a small bar near a station. The bar often stayed open until after midnight, because people came to drink there while they were waiting for trains.

At two o‘clock one morning , one man was still sitting at a table in the small bar. He was asleep. The barman‘s wife wanted to go to bed. She looked into the bar several times, and each time the man was still there. Then at last she went to her husband and said to him, ?You‘ve woken that man six times now, George, but he isn‘t drinking anything. Why haven‘t you sent him away? It‘s very late.‘

‘Oh, no, I don‘t want to send him away,‘ answered her husband with a smile. ? You see, whenever I wake him up, he asks for his bill, and when I bring it to him he pays it. Then he goes to sleep again.‘ 80.

Two friends were camping together. Their names were Jim and Tim. Tim was very lazy. The first evening of their holiday, Jim said to Tim, ?Here‘s some money. Go and buy some meat.‘ ‘I‘m too tired,‘ answered Tim. ?You go.‘ So Jim went to buy the meat.

When he came back, he said to Tim, ?Now, here‘s the meat. Please cook it.‘ But Tim answered , ?No, I‘m not good at cooking . You do it,‘ So Jim cooked the meat.

Then Jim said to Tim, ?Cut the bread,‘ but Tim answered, ?I don‘t want to,‘ so Jim cut the bread. Then he said to Tim, ?Go and get some water, please.‘

‘No, I don‘t want to get my clothes dirty,‘ Tim answered ,so Jim got the water. At last Jim said, ?The meal‘s ready. Come and eat it.‘

‘Well, I‘ll do that,‘ answered Tim. ?I don‘t like saying ―No‖ all the time.‘ 81.

One morning a man was crossing a narrow bridge when he saw a fisherman on the shady bank of the deep, smooth river under him, so he stopped to watch him quietly.

After a few minutes, the fisherman pulled his line in. There was a big, fat fish at the end of it.

The fisherman took it off the hook and threw it back into the water. Then he put his hook and line in again. After a few more minutes he caught another big fish. Again he threw it back into the river. Then, the third time, he caught a small fish. He put it into his basket and started to get ready to go. The man on the bridge was very surprised, so he spoke to the fisherman. He said, ?Why did you throw those beautiful, big fish back into the water, and keep only that small one?‘

The fisherman looked up and answered , ?Small frying pan.‘

82.

When the Americans were getting ready to sent their first men to the moon, an old Irishman was watching them on television in the bar of a hotel.

There was an Englishman in the bar too, and he said to the Irishman, ?The Americans are very clever, aren‘t they? They‘re going to send some men to the moon. It‘s a very long way from our world.‘

‘Oh, that‘s nothing,‘ the Irishman answered quickly. ?The Irish are going to send some men to the sun in a few months‘ time. That‘s much farther away than the moon, you know.‘

The Englishman was very surprised when he heard this. ?Oh, yes, it is,‘ he said, ?but the sun‘s too hot for people to go to.‘

The Irishman laughed and answered , ?Well, the Irish aren‘t stupid, you know. We won‘t go to the sun during the day, of course. We‘ll go there during the night.‘ 83.

Dave‘s class at school were studying English history, and one day their teacher said to them, ?Well, boys, on Friday we‘re all going to get on a bus and go to Conway. There‘s a beautiful castle there, and we‘re going to visit it.‘ The boy‘s were very happy when they heard this. ‘Now, has anybody got any questions?‘ the teacher asked. ‘How old is the castle, sir?‘ Dave asked.

‘It‘s about seven hundred years old, Dave.‘ The teacher said. ‘What‘s the name of the castle, sir?‘ another boy asked. ‘Conway Castle,‘ the teacher said.

On Friday the boys came to school at 9 o‘clock and got into the bus. They visited Conway Castle, and then they came back and went home.

‘Well,‘ Dave‘s mother said to him when he got home, ?did you like the castle, Dave?‘ ‘Not very much,‘ Dave answered . ?The stupid people built it too near the railway.‘ 英汉对照幽默故事选(第二集) 1.

Ali, who as working a long way from home, wanted to send a letter to his wife, but he could neither read nor write, and he had to work all day, so he could only look for somebody to write his letter late at night .At last he found the house of a letter-writer whose name was Nasreddin.

Nasreddin was already in bed. ?It is late,‘ he said. ?What do you want ?‘ ?I want you to write a letter to my wife,‘ said Ale. Nasreddin was not pleased. He thought for a few seconds and then said, ?Has the letter got to go far?‘

‘What does that matter?‘ answered Ali.

‘Well, my writing is so strange that only I can read it, and if I have to travel way to read your letter to your wife, it will cost you a lot of money.‘ Ali went away quickly. 2.

An old man died and left his son a lot of money. But the son was a foolish young man, and he quickly spent all the money, so that soon he had nothing left. Of course, when that happened, all his friends left him. When he was quite poor and alone, he went to see Nasreddin , who was a kind, clever old man and often helped people when they had troubles.

?My money has finished and my friends have gone,‘ said the young man. ?What will happen to me now?‘

?Don‘t worry, young man,‘ answered Nasreddin . ?Everything will soon be all right again. Wait, and you will soon feel much happier.‘

The young man was very glad. ?Am I going to get rich again then?‘ he asked Nasreddin

?No, I didn‘t mean that,‘ said the old man. ?AI meant that you would soon get used to being poor and to having no friends.‘. 3.

When Mr. Jones went to a restaurant one day, he left his coat near the door, There was nothing in the pockets of the coat when he left it, so he was very surprised when he took his coat after his meal and found the pockets full of jewellery!

There was a waiter near the door, so Mr. Jones said to him,‘ Somebody has made a mistake. He has put some jewellery in my coat. Take it, and when he comes back , give it to him.‘ The waiter took it and went away. Suddenly another man came in with a coat just like Mr. Jones‘s ?I am sorry,‘ said this man. ?I made a mistake . I took your coat and you have got mine. Please give me my coat and jewellery.‘ Mr. Jones answered, ?I gave the jewellery to the waiter. He will give it to you.‘

Mr. Jones called the manager of the restaurant; but the manager said, ?We have no waiter here. We only have waitresses.‘ ?You gave the jewellery to a thief!‘ shouted the other man. ?I shall call the police!‘ Mr. Jones was frightened and paid the man a lot of money for the jewellery . 4.

A man was travelling abroad in a small red car. One day he left the car and went shopping. When he came back, its roof was badly damaged. Some boys told him that an elephant had damaged it. The man did not believe them, but they took him to a circus which was near there. The owner of the elephant said, ?I am very sorry! My elephant has a big, round, red chair. He thought that your car was his chair, and he sat on it!‘ Then he gave the man a letter, in which he said that he was sorry and that he would pay for all the damage.

When the man got back to his own county, the customs officers would not believe his story . They said, ?You sold your new car while you were abroad and bought this old one!‘

It was only when the man showed them the letter from the circus man that they believe him. 5.

Nasreddin was cutting a branch off a tree in his garden . While he was sawing , another man passed in the street . He stopped and said, ?Excuse me, but if you continue to saw that branch like that, you will fall down with it.‘ He said this because Nasreddin was sitting on the branch and cutting it at a place between himself and the trunk of the tree.

Nasreddin said nothing. He thought, ?This is some foolish person who has no work to do and goes about telling other people what to do and what not to do.‘ The man continued on his way.

Of course , after a few minute, the branch fell and Nasreddin fell with it.

‘My God!‘ he cried . ?That man knows the future!‘ and he ran after him to ask how long he was going to live. But the man had gone. 6.

It was half-past eight in the morning . The telephone rang and Mary went to answer it. ‘Hullo, who‘s that ?‘ she asked . ‘it‘s me---Peter.‘

Peter was a friend of Mary‘s eight-year-old brother, Johnny. ‘Oh, hullo, Peter. What do you want ?‘ said Mary. ‘Can I speak to Johnny?‘

‘No,‘ said Mary, ?you can‘t speak to him now. He is busy. He is getting ready for school. He is eating his breakfast . Grandmother is combing his hair. Sister is under the table , putting his shoes on. Mother is getting his books and putting them in his school bag. Goodbye, I‘ve got to go now. I have to hold the door open. The school bus is coming .‘ 7.

Two rich ladies were sharing a taxi and talking about the high cost of going anywhere by taxi.

One of the ladies said, ?Taxis are terribly expensive these days. The owners get a lot of money for nothing.‘

‘Yes,‘ said the other lady, ?and the drivers get such big tips that they soon become rich. They ought to be ashamed of themselves.‘

One of the ladies was smoking a cigarette.. After a minute or two she said to the other lady, ?Can you see an ashtray in this taxi? There isn‘t one on my side.‘

‘No,‘ said the other, ?there isn‘t one on this side either . Driver! Where is the ashtray in this taxi? Why haven‘t you got one ?‘

The driver, who heard everything the ladies had said, answered, ?Oh, just drop the ashes on the carpet---I have a servant who comes in and cleans three days in the week!‘ 8.

Nasreddin put two big baskets of grapes on his donkey and went to market. At midday it was very hot , so he stopped in the shade of a big tree. There were several other men there, and all of them had donkeys and baskets of grapes too. After their lunch they went to seep. After some time, Nasreddin began to take grapes out of other men‘s baskets and to put them in his.

Suddenly one of the men woke up and saw him. ?What are you doing?‘ he said angrily.

‘Oh,‘ said Nasreddin, ?don‘t worry about me. I am half mad, and I do a lot of strange things.‘

‘Oh, really?‘ said the other man. ?Then why don‘t you sometimes take grapes out of your basket and put them in somebody else‘s baskets?‘

‘You did not understand me,‘ said Nasreddin . ?I said that I was half mad, not quite mad.‘ 9.

There was a big garden near Nasreddin‘s house, and it had a lot of fruit trees in it. One day Nasreddin saw some beautiful apples on one of them. He went home and got a ladder, put it against the high wall of the garden and climbed up. Then he pulled the ladder up, put it down on the other side , and climbed down into the garden . Just then a gardener came round a corner and saw him. ‘What are you doing here?‘ he shouted.

Nasreddin thought quickly and then said, ?I am selling my ladder.‘

‘Selling your ladder ? In somebody else‘s garden ? Do you think I believe such a stupid story?‘ said the gardener and came towards Nasreddin with a stick.

‘It is my ladder,‘ said Nasreddin , ?and I can sell it where I like . You needn‘t buy it if you don‘t want to.‘ And he took his ladder and climbed over the wall again. 10.

Nasreddin woke up in the middle of the night and saw something white in his garden . It seemed to be moving towards the house.

‘That is a thief!‘ he thought , and he took his gun and shot at him. Then he went back to bed, because he was too frightened to go out of the house in the dark.

The next morning Nasreddin went out and saw one of his white shirts hanging on the clothes--line in the garden . His wife had washed it the day before and hung it out to dry. Now it had a bullet-hole right through the middle of it.

‘My God,‘ said Nasreddin , ?I was lucky last night. If I had been wearing that shirt, the bullet would have killed me!‘ And he called his neighbours together and asked them to thank God for saving him. 11.

A judge was working in his room one day when a neighbor ran in and said, ?If one man‘s cow kills another‘s , is the owner of the first cow responsible?‘ ‘It depends,‘ answered the judge.

‘Well,‘ said the man, ?your cow has killed mine.‘

‘Oh,‘ answered the judge . ?Everyone knows that a cow cannot think like a man, so a cow is not responsible, and that means that its owner is not responsible either.‘

‘I am sorry, Judge,‘ said the man. ?I made a mistake. I meant that my cow killed yours.‘

The judge thought for a few seconds and then said, ?When I think about it more carefully, this case is not as easy as I thought at first.‘ And then he turned to his clerk and aid, ?Please bring me that big black book from the shelf behind you.‘ 12.

When Nasreddin was a boy, he never did what he was told, so his father always told him to do the opposite of what he wanted him to do.

One day, when the two were bringing sacks of flour home on their donkeys, they had to cross a shallow river. When they were in the middle of it, one of the sacks on Nasreddin‘s donkey began to slip, so his father said, ?That sack is nearly in the water! Press down hard on it!‘

His father of course expected that he would do the opposite, but this time Nasreddin did what his father had told him to do. He pressed down on the sack and it went under the water. Of course, the flour was lost. ‘What have you done, Nasreddin ?‘ his father shouted angrily .

?Well, Father‘, said Nasreddin, ?this time I thought that I would do just what you told me, to show you

how stupid your orders always are.‘ 13.

Nasreddin had lost his donkey. He was going about looking for it evreywhere, and while he was looking, he was singing gaily.

One of his beighbours saw him and said , ?Hullo, Nasreddin . What are you doing?‘ ‘I am looking for my donkey,‘ answered Nasreddin . ‘Don‘t you know where it is?‘ asked the neighbor. ‘No, I don‘t .‘

‘Then why are you singing so gaily? Usually when somebody loses something, he is sad.‘

‘Yes, that is quite true,‘ answered Nasreddin . ?But you see, I am not yet sure that my donkey is lost . My last hope is that it is behind that hill over there . If you wait a little, you will hear how I will cry an d complain if it is not there!‘ 14.

One winter Nasreddin had very little money. His crops had been very bad that year, and he had to live very cheaply. He gave his konkey less food, and when after two days the donkey looked just the same , he said to himself, ?The donkey was used to eating a lot. Now he is quickly getting used to eating less; and soon he will get used to living on almost nothing.‘

Each day Nasreddin gave the donkey a little less food, until it was hardly eating anything.

Then one day, when the donkey was going to market with a load of wood on its back, it suddenly died . ?How unlucky I am,‘ said Nasreddin . ?Just when my donkey had got used to eating hardly anything, it came to the end of its days in this world.‘ 15.

Nasreddin‘s wife was very ill, and at last she died. After a few months, Nasreddin married again. His wife was a widow.

Exactly seven days after he married her, she had a baby.

Nasreddin at once hurried away to the market and bought some paper, some pencils, some pens and some children‘s books . Then he hurried back home again with these things and put them beside the baby. His new wife was surprised . ?What are you doing?‘ she said. ?The baby won‘t be able to use those things for a long time. Why are you in such a hurry?‘

Nasreddin answered , ?You are quite wrong, my dear. Our baby is not an ordinary baby. It came in seven days instead of nine months, so it will certainly be ready to learn to read and write in a few weeks from now.‘ 16

Some of Nasreddin‘s old friends were talking about the young people in their town. They all agreed that old people were wiser than young people. Then one of the old men said, ?But young men are stronger than old men.‘

All of them agreed that this was true, except Nasreddin . He said, ?No. I am as strong now as when I was a young man.‘

‘What do you mean?‘ said his friends . ?How is that possible? Explain yourself!‘ ‘Well,‘ said Nasreddin , ?in one corner of my field there is a rock. When I was a young man I used to try to move it, but I couldn‘t because I was not strong enough. I am an old man now, and when I try to move it, I still cannot.‘ 17

One day a beautiful young lady went to a famous artist and said, ?I want you to paint a picture of me. How much will it cost?‘

‘Five hundred pounds,‘ said the artist.

‘Oh?‘ said the lady. ?That is a lot of money.‘ Then she thought that, as she had a very beautiful body, the artist might be happy to paint her picture more cheaply if she wore no clothes while he was painting it. So she said, ?And how much will it cost if you paint me without any clothes on?‘

The artist thought for a moment . ?One thousand pounds,‘ he then said. ?But I shall have to keep my socks on, because my feet get cold; and I shall have to wear something to put my brushes in.‘ 18

The Second World War had begun, and John wanted to join the army, but he was only 16 years old, and boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18. So when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18.

But John‘s brother had joined the army a few days before, and the same doctor examined him too .This doctor remembered the older boy‘s family name, so when he saw John‘s paper, he was surprised. ‘How old are you?‘ he said. ‘Eighteen , sir,‘ said John.

‘But your brother was eighteen, too,‘ said the doctor. ?Are you twins?‘

‘Oh, no, sir,‘ said John, and his face went red. ?My brother is five months older than I am.‘ 19

One day a big ship hit a smaller ship while they were both going from England to America. The smaller ship was badly damaged, and had to be taken back to England, where a judge had to decide who was to blame for the accident.

Several of the people who had seen the big ship hit the smaller one said that, a few seconds before the accident, the big ship had sent a signal to the smaller one. The judge was puzzled by this, so he said, ?Who sent this signal?‘

A young signalman came forward and said, ?I did, sir.‘

‘Oh?‘ said the judge . ?And what signal did you send to the other ship?‘

The young signalman‘s face went red as he answered , ?Good luck on your voyage.‘ 20.

Mr. Jones was very fond of climbing mountains, so one year he went to Switzerland for his holidays. After he had climbed some easy mountains, he decided one day to climb a more difficult one; but he did not want to go up it alone, so he found a good Swiss guide, who had often climbed that mountain.

At first it was not a difficult climb, but then they came to a place which was not so easy. The guide stopped, turned round and warned Mr. Jones. ?Be careful here,‘ he said, ?This is a dangerous place. You can easily fall, and if you do, you will fall down straight down a very long way. But,‘ he continued calmly,

?if you do fall here, don‘t forget to look to the right while you are going down .There is a quite extraordinarily beautiful view there --- much more beautiful than the one you can see from here.‘ 21

A young father was visiting an older neighbour. They were standing in the older man‘s garden and talking about children. The young man said, ?How strict should parents be with their children?‘ The older man pointed to a string between a big, strong tree and a thin, young one.

‘Please untie that string,‘ he said. The young man untied it, and the young tree bent over to one side. ‘Now tie it again, please,‘ said the older man. ?but first pull the string tight so that the young tree is straight again.‘

The young man did this. Then the older man said, ?There. It is the same with children. You must be strict with them, but sometimes you must untie the string to see how they are getting on. If they are not yet able to stand alone, you must tie the string tight again . But when you find that they are ready to stand alone, you can take the string away.‘ 22

Mrs.. Smith was looking out of her window, when she saw a truck and a big car hit each other. She ran out to help. There was only one man in the truck and one woman in the car, and neither of them was hurt, but the car was damaged.

The lady looked very white and here hands were shaking, so Mrs.. Smith invited here into her house and gave here some tea. She was a pleasant woman of about 50 years old. She drank the tea and soon looked much better. Then she said to Mrs.. Smith, ?Have you got a telephone, please? I would like to telephone my husband . We have a kind of custom ---whenever I have an accident with the car, I telephone him.‘ 23

The zoo had big baskets for rubbish, where people who bought ice-creams and other things could throw the papers from them. One Saturday afternoon Mr. Brown was walking near the cages where the lions and tigers were kept. Usually there were a lot of people round these cages on a Saturday afternoon, but that day there was nobody there. Mr. Brown was surprised . But he was even more surprised when he saw a crowd around the rubbish basket near the lions‘ cage.

He went towards the crowd. Most of them were children. He looked over their heads and saw a little mouse, which was running about among the pieces of paper in the basket and looking for bits of food. It was only a few inches from the children but it was not afraid –and the children were more interested in this small, common mouse than in the lions and tigers. 24

One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor. She was very afraid of mice, so she ran out of the house, got in a bus and went down to the shops. There she bought a mouse-trap. The shopkeeper said to her, ?Put some cheese in it, and you will soon catch that mouse.‘

The lady went home with her mouse-trap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it. She did not want to go back to the shops, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap. Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful! When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning , there was a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese! 25

When Nasreddin‘s first wife died, he married again. His second wife was much younger than he was and they often quarrelled. One evening when Nasreddin came home very late, his wife said to him, ?I cooked your dinner two hours ago. It is quite spoiled now.‘ She was so angry that she gave him a push, and as she was strong, and he was old and weak, he fell down the stairs.

One of Nasreddin‘s neighbours, who was always eager to know what was happening in everybody else‘s house, was listening, and when she heard the noise that Nasreddin made when he fell down the stairs, she came to his front door and knocked. ‘What has happened ?‘ she said.

‘My coat fell down the stairs,‘ he answered.

‘But a coat would not make so much noise!‘ the neighbour said. ‘Of course it would,‘ answered Nasreddin, ?If I was inside it!‘ 26

One of Nasreddin‘s rich neighbours gave big party one evening, but he forgot to invite him. Nasreddin waited and waited,, but no invitation came , so at last, when the party had already begun, he took a piece of paper, folded it, put it in an envelope and took it to his neighbour‘s house.

‘I have a very important letter for the host,‘ he said to the servants at the door. The servants took him into the big room where everybody was eating, Nasreddin gave the letter to his rich beighbour and at once sat down and began to fill his mouth with food.

The host looked at the envelope, but there was nothing on it, so he said, ?Are you sure that this letter is for me? There is no address on it.‘

‘Oh, yes, ? said Nasreddin, ? and there is no writing inside it either --- because it was prepare in a hurry.‘ 27

One evening there was a big dance at the hotel in our town . One of the guests at the dance was a man of about forty who thought he was so handsome that every girl who saw him would fall in love with him. At the beginning of one of the dances, he saw a pretty young woman who was standing beside an older lady at the edge of the dance-floor. He went up to the girl and asked her to dance. She had seen him dancing before , so she knew that he was a good dancer, and as she too liked dancing , she accepted.

After they had danced several dances together, the man led here into the garden and said, ?do you tell your mother everything that you do?‘

‘Of course not,‘ she answered sweetly. ?She does not mind what I do now. But my husband always wants to know!‘ 28

John liked to wear his hair very long . Some of the friends thought that it looked like a girl‘s hair, but they never made jokes about it, because John was a big, strong young man, and he did not think jokes about his hair funny.

John always went to the barber‘s twice a month to have his hair cut and washed , and one day the barber

said to him, ?Now why don‘t you let me cut most of this hair off and make your head tidy? Nobody would recognize you if I did that, I am sure.‘

John said nothing for a few seconds, and then he said, ?Perhaps you are right – but I am sure that nobody would recognize you either if you did that to my hair.‘ 29

On Saturday mornings our cinema shows films for children . One such morning an old man took his grandchildren to the cinema. At the door there was a list of the prices of tickets, but he could not see any pric3e for tickets for adults for Saturday mornings. The only price which was shown for that time was for children‘s tickets, so he asked the lady who was selling the tickets how much it was for adults.

‘Adults!‘ she said. ?No, we don‘t have prices for tickets for adults for our Saturday morning films. Any adult who is brave enough to go in there to see films like that – and with all those children -- can go in free!‘ 30

A small talking dog was a big success when it came to our theatre. It told jokes, sang songs and did a lot of other funny things on the stage.

But while it was singing one of its songs, a bigger dog came into the theatre, stopped, listened for a few moments and then ran up and jumped on to the stage. The small talking dog tried to get away, but the bigger dog caught it by the skin of its neck and carried it off the stage. Just as the two animals were disappearing behind the curtains at the side of the stage, the small talking dog said, ?I am sorry about this, everybody! This is my mother. She doesn‘t want me to be an actor. She wants me to become a doctor.‘ 31

Mrs.. Robinson always seemed to be ill and unhappy. She often had painful headaches, and medicines did not seem to make her any better, so at last her husband took her to a good doctor.

The doctor examined her carefully and asked her a lot of questions. Then he suddenly put his arms around her and gave her a big kiss. Mrs.. Robinson at once looked better and happier.

‘You see?‘ said the doctor to her husband. ?That is all she needs. I suggest that she has the same thing every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday,‘ and he smiled.

‘Well,‘ said Mr. Robinson, ?I can bring her on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but not on Saturdays, because I always go sailing on that day.‘ 32

A pretty, well-dressed young lady stopped a taxi in a big square, and said to the driver, ?Do you see that young man at the other side of this square?‘

‘Yes,‘ said the taxi-driver. The young man was standing outside a restaurant and looking impatiently at his watch every few seconds.

‘Take me over there,‘ said the young lady.

There were a lot of cars and buses and trucks in the square, so the taxi-driver asked, ?Are you afraid to cross the street ?‘

‘Oh, no!‘ said the young lady. ?But I am three-quarters of an hour late. I said that I would meet that young men for lunch at one c‘clock, and it is now a quarter to two. If I arrive in a taxi, it will at least seem as if I have tried not to be late.‘ 33

Mr. Bobinson worked in an office. Every morning he had breakfast with his wife at half-past seven, read his newspaper, drank a cup of coffee and then left his house at 8 o‘clock to go to catch his train to town. One morning he was still sitting comfortably at the breakfast table and reading his newspaper at five minutes past eight . He did not seem to be in a hurry and asked his wife for another cup of coffee. ‘Another cup?‘ she asked. ?But aren‘t you going to the office today? Have you got a holiday?‘

‘The office?‘ he said and looked up from his newspaper very surprised. ?I thought that I was at the office!‘ 34

Mr.. Black gave his wife money every Friday evening , but she always spent it before the next Wednesday, so that for the next three days she had none.

Every Tuesday evening M. Black asked her, ?But what did you spend all that money on?‘ and she always answered , ?I don‘t know.‘

One Friday Mr.. Black brought home an exercise book and a pencil and gave them to his wife with her money. ?Now look!‘ he said to her. ?When you get money from me, write it down on this page, and on the opposite page write down what happens to the money.‘

When Mr.. Black came home the next Tuesday, his wife came to him and showed him the book. ‘I hove done what you told me,’ she said happily. On one page she had written ‘Friday, 28th June. I got £18 from John’; and on the opposite page, ‘Tuesday, 2nd July. I have spent it all.‘ 35

A letter to a magazine: ‘Dear Sirs,

Last year I saw an article in your magazine ( I think it was in your magazine, but I am not sure) which interested me very much, but I have forgotten what it was . I wrote the name of the article and the magazine in my notebook after I had read it, but I have lost the notebook. I have also lost the magazine which the article was in. Will you please send me another copy of the magazine , if it was your magazine? Thank you very much.

Yours faithfully, David Williams.‘ 36

The lights were red, so my taxi had to stop. When they changed to green again, an old lady was slowly crossing the street in front of the taxi, so of course the driver waited. But as soon as the driver of the car behind saw the green light, he began to blow his horn.

My taxi-driver calmly opened his door, got out, pointed to the driver‘s seat which he had just left, and said to the man who was blowing the horn, ?Sir, you get into my taxi and drive over her . I always feel so uncomfortable when I drive over old ladies.‘ 37

A man was mending a street lamp when he saw a pretty young woman and three children get into a car which was in the garden of a house near him. He saw that the car had a flat tyre and tried to warn the woman, but it was too late--- she was already driving the car out of the garden and into the busy street. When she had got there, she stopped the car at the side of the street, got out and looked at the flat tyre. The children stayed in the car. Very soon another car stopped , and the driver offered to help her. The young woman accepted his offer, and the man changed the tyre for her.

When she had thanked him and he had gone, she drove the car back into the garden , got out with the children and went back to her work in the house – with clean hands. 38

A man wanted to sell his old horse, so he took him to the market . Because the horse was old, nobody wanted to buy him, but at last a young man stopped in front of him and said, ?How old is he?‘ ‘He is twenty-one years old,‘ said the older man. ‘How long have you had him?‘

‘I have him for nearly nineteen years.‘ ‘And what is his name?‘

‘I don‘t know. But I call him Tom.‘ 39

A man heard that a certain government department wanted a clerk, so he wrote and asked for the position. But while he was waiting for an answer ,a friend of his introduced him to the head of the department, who at once gave him the job.

Several months later, while the man was working in the department, he got a letter which had been sent on to him from his old address. This letter said: ‘Dear Sir,

We are sorry to have to tell you that we cannot offer you work in this department because we do not think that you would be able to do the job successfully.

Yours faithfully,‘

The man laughed , but when he looked at the letter more carefully, he saw that he had signed it himself! 40

Tom was only seven years old, so when he went off to camp with a lot of other small boys one summer, his mother thought that he might be unhappy, and arranged for all his aunts and his grandmother and all his other relatives to write to him, so that he would get a letter every day while he was away from home. Well, of course he did not write to anybody while he was at the camp. A few days after he came back home, his mother saw him looking at some papers and asked him what they were.

‘Oh,‘ he said, ?they are the letters I got while I was at the camp. I did not have time to look at them while I was there.‘ 41

George had worked for the Bank of Ruritania for ten years and was still only a clerk. He was not satisfied with his position and wanted to find something better, but he also did not want to lose his position in the bank before he had got another one, so he prepared a letter about himself , with the words ?HELP!I AM A PRISONER OF THE BANK OF RURUTANIA!‘ in big letters across the top, and sent it to several big companies, asking them for a job.

A few days later, one of these letters came into the hands of George‘s chief at the bank. Someone had given it to him at his club. The next morning, George‘s chief asked him to come into his room and said, ?George, I have some very good news for you. The Bank of Ruritania is setting you free!‘ 42

A beautiful and very successful actress was the star of a new musical show. Her home was in the country, but she did not want to have to go back there every night, so she rented an expensive flat in the centre of the city, bought some beautiful furniture and hired a man to paint the rooms in new colours.

It was very difficult to get tickets for her show, because everybody wanted to see it , so she decided to give the painter two of the best seats. She hoped that this would make him work better and more willingly for her. He took the tickets without saying anything, and she heard not more about them until the end of the month, when she got the painter’s bill. At the bottom of it were the words: ‘Four hours watching Miss Hall sing and dance: £ 3,’ with this note: ‘After 5p.m. I get fifteen shillings an hour instead of ten shillings.‘ 43

Olives are about the same size grapes, but they taste very different . Some are bitter, some are sour, and some are very salty. Men and women eat them with drinks before a meal, but children usually do not like them at all.

Mr.. Grey was drinking beer and eating olives when his small son Tommy came in . He saw that his father liked the olives very much, so he said, ? May I have one, Father?‘ ‘Yes,‘ answered his father. ?Take one and try it.‘ Tommy took one . He thought it tasted terrible.

He watched his father take another and eat it . He could see that he was enjoying it, so Tommy tried another olive –but that was just as terrible as the first.

‘You are taking all the good ones,‘ he cried , ?and leaving the bad ones for me!‘ 44

A young lion came to a small zoo in Europe. In the next cage was a tired, old lion, which did nothing except lie about and sleep. ?Lions ought not to behave like that!‘ the young lion said to himself, so he roared at all the visitors and tried to break the bars of the cage.

At three o‘clock a man brought a big piece of meat and put it in the old lion‘s cage. Then he put a bag of nuts and two bananas in the young lion‘s cage.

The young lion was very surprised . ?I don‘t understand this,‘ he said to the old lion. ?I behave like a real lion, while you lie there and do nothing, and look what happens!‘

‘Well, you see,‘ said the old lion kindly, ?this is a small zoo. They haven‘t got enough money for two lions, so in their books you are here as a monkey.‘ 45

Very few people were coming to eat at the White Rose Restaurant, and its owner did not know what to do. The food in his restaurant was cheap and good, but nobody seemed to want to eat there .

Then he did something that changed all that, and in a few weeks his restaurant was always full of men with their lady friends. Whenever a gentleman came in with a lady, a smiling waiter gave each of them a beautiful menu. The menus looked exactly the same on the outside, but there was an important difference inside. The menu that the waiter gave to the man gave the correct price for each dish and each bottle of wine, while the menu that he gave to the lady gave a much higher price! So when the man calmly ordered dish after dish and wine after wine, the lady thought he was much more generous than he really was! 46

Until a few years ago, only boys could become students at the University of Ruritania. Then the University decided to allow girls in. But one of the lecturers, Dr Goller, was not at all pleased. He had not wanted to let girl students in.

Dr Goller always used to begin his lectures with the word, ?Gentlemen!‘ What would he do now? Well , when girl students came to his lectures for the first time, he continued to begin with the word, ?Gentleman!‘ For him, the girls were just not there.

Then one day there was only one boy in his class among a lot of girls. For a moment , Dr Goller did not know what to do. Then he began, ?Sir!‘

Finally a terrible day came when there were no boys in his class. He came into the room, looked at the sea of girls, said, ?Oh, nobody‘s here today!‘ turned and went out without giving his lecture. 47

During the last war, most of the men were fighting or working in factories, so it was very difficult to find men to do other work. The headmaster of a school wanted a gardener, but the only person he was able to get was an old retired farmer.

The old man worked so hard in the school garden that the headmaster became worried. He thought that the old man might get ill or die if he continued like that , so he suggested to him that he should work more slowly and rest more. But the old man continued to work as before. At last the headmaster went to the man‘s wife and asked her to speak to her husband.

‘All right,‘ she answered, ?but I don‘t think it will do any good . You see, he has worked for himself all his life, never for anybody else, so he had just never learnt to work slowly.‘ 48

An old lady who lived in a village went into town one Saturday, and after she had bought fruit and vegetables in the market for herself and for a friend who was ill ,she went into a shop which sold glasses. She tried one pair of glasses, and then another pair and another, but none of them seemed to be right. The shopkeeper was a ver patient man, and after some time he said to the old lady, ?Now, don‘t worry, madam. Everything will be all right in the end . It isn‘t easy to get just the right glasses, you know.‘

‘No, it isn‘t ,‘ answered the old lady. ?And it is even more difficult when you are shopping for a friend.‘ 49

A rich man and his wife went into a shop to buy a bracelet. Neither of them was very young. They looked at a lot of beautiful bracelets, and after half an hour there were two which they liked very much , but they had not yet been able to choose between them. One of them was very expensive, and the other was quite a lot cheaper. Of course, the shopkeeper wanted to sell them the more expensive one, because then he would get more money from them, so he said to the lady, ?Oh, go on. Spend his money. If you don‘t, he will spend it on his second wife.‘

For several seconds nobody said a word, and then the lady said angrily, ?I am his second wife!‘ 50

The air hostess was in the small kitchen at the back of the aeroplane preparing the trays for lunch when a little old lady came and spoke to her. ?Could you please tell me,‘ she asked, ?Where the ladies‘ lavatory is in this aeropland?‘

‘Yes, madam,‘ said the air hostess and smiled. ?It is right at the other end of the aerpplane—at the front.‘ The little old lady went too far. She walked all the way to the front of the aeroplane, opened the door in front of her, and saw the captain of the aeroplane and the other officers. They were all busy at their work and did not see her. She went out again, shut the door and returned to the air hostess. ‘Oh, didn‘t you find it, madam?‘ the girl asked her.

‘Yes, I did,‘ said the little old lady. ?But there are four men in the ladies‘ lavatory watching television.‘ 51

The soldiers had been marching up and down in the square for an hour while their officer shouted orders, and they were all tired, hot and unhappy.

They were marching towards a big building, when they suddenly realized that the officer had not left himself enough time to give the order to turn round or to stop, so they were going to march straight into the wall . The soldiers smiled happily as each of those in the front line decided at the same time to walk straight ahead. There was a loud noise as they hit the wall one after another.

But before any of them had time to smile again, the officer shouted, ?If you men had been in a really straight line, I would have heard only one sound when you hit that wall!‘ 52

Mrs.. Williams is very proud of her house because it is always clean and tidy. But one day, while she was sweeping the carpets, she saw a little mouse run across her dining-room floor! She had always told other people that mice are found only in dirty houses, so she was terribly ashamed when she saw a mouse in her own house. She quickly called her daughter and said to her, ?A terrible thing has happened ! I saw a mouse in our dining-room a few minutes ago. We must catch it at once! Go down to the village shop and buy a mouse-trap – but, whatever you do, don‘t tell anybody what it is for!‘ 53

Two Mexicans had accused each other of cheating , and both of them were getting angrier and angrier. ‘I‘ll kill you!‘ shouted Jose.

Miguel laughed rudely and answered , ?You could never kill me; but I could kill you!‘

‘Just try!‘ Jose shouted back. ?We‘ll fight a duel in the park at five o‘clock tomorrow morning.‘

‘No, not in the park,‘ Miguel answered. ?The police might see or hear us there. Let‘s go out to a quiet place in the country.‘

‘All right,‘ said Jose, ?I accept. Let‘s go to San Antonio by the first train tomorrow morning . That‘s where I usually fight my duels.‘

‘I do too,‘ answered Miguel.

The next morning they went to the railway station together, and Jose bought a return ticket, but Miguel bought a single one.

‘Ho, ho!‘ said Jose, ?so you don‘t expect to return? I always get a return ticket.‘ ? I never do,‘ answered Miguel calmly . ?I always use my opponent‘s other half.‘ 54

Mrs.. Evans went to a large local cinema one summer afternoon. Half-way through the wonderful film there was the usually interval, so that people could buy sweets, chocolates and ice-cream.

Mrs.. Evans rarely bought anything in the cinema, but this time she was feeling hot, so she thought , ?I‘ll have an ice-cream to cool me. I certainly need it.‘ Quite a lot of the audience were waiting to buy ice-creams from the girl who was selling them, so Mrs.. Evens waited for her turn.

There was a small boy in front of her. When it was his turn, he offered the girl ten pence and asked for an ice-cream , but they cost twenty pence, so the girl said, ? I want another ten pence, please.‘

The small boy put the coin back in his pocket, put his hand in another pocket, took out another ten pence coin and offered that to the girl.

Mrs.. Evans was so amused that she paid the other ten pence herself. 55

A Clerk who worked in a small office in a factory discovered that there were so many files in his room that there was not room for any more. Also, each file was so full that it was impossible to add any more papers to it.

‘Well,‘ he thought , ?every week I have to find room for several hundred letters , so something will have to be done about this.‘

He thought and thought , and then decided to send a note to his manager explaining what has happened and asking him for his permission to go through the old files and to take out and destroy all letters which were no longer of any use.

The next day he received a note from the manager in answer to his. It said, ?All right, you have permission to do as you suggest , but you must make copies of all letters before destroying them.‘ 56

Len and Jim worked for the same company. One day, Len lent Jim $20, but then Jim left his job and went to work in another town without paying Len back his $20.

Len did not see Jim for a year, and then he heard from another friend that Jim was in town and staying at the Central Hotel, so he went to see him there late in the evening.

He found out the number of Jim‘s room from the clerk at the desk downstairs and went up to find him. When he got to the room, he saw Jim‘ s shoes outside the door, waiting to be cleaned. ‘Well, he must be in, he thought, and knocked at the door. There was no answer.

He knocked again. Then he said, ?I know you‘re in, Jim. Your shoes are out here.‘ ‘I went out in my slippers,‘ answered a voice from inside the room. 57 Timothy was ten years old. He was not a very good pupil, and he did not like having to do homework, because he preferred to do other things in his free time. Frequently he did not do his homework, and when he did do it, he always made a lot of mistakes.

Then one day, his mathematics teacher looked at Timothy‘s homework and saw that he had got all his sums right. He was very pleased – and rather surprised . He called Timothy to his desk and said to him, ?You got all your homework right this time, Timothy. What happened? Did your father help you?‘

Usually Timothy‘s father did help with his homework , but the evening before this, he had not been able to, because he had not been at home, so Timothy answered , ?No, sir. He was busy last night, so I had to do it all myself.‘ 58

Two sailors who had just finished a long voyage went home to their village and decided to have a few drinks in the bar there. When they had had enough, they came out into the street to look for something amusing to do, but it was a very quiet place, and nothing interesting ever happened there, so they could not find anything.

But at last, while they were standing in the market-place outside the bar, they saw a village boy coming slowly towards them . He was leading a donkey by a rope, so the sailors decided that they would have a joke with him.

‘Hullo,‘ one of the sailors said to the boy. ?Why does your brother have to have a rope round his neck when he goes for a walk with you?‘

‘To stop him joining the navy,‘ the boy answered at once. 59

There was once a large, fat woman who had a small, thin husband. He had a job in a big company and was given his weekly wages every Friday evening . As soon as he got home on Fridays, his wife used to make him give her all his money, and then she used to give him back only enough to buy his lunch in the office every day.

One day the small man came home very excited. He hurried into the living-room. His wife was listening to the radio and eating chocolates there.

‘You‘ll never guess what happened to me today, dear,‘ he said.

He waited for a few seconds and then added, ?I won ten thousand pounds on the lottery!‘

‘That‘s wonderful!‘ said his wife delightedly. But then she thought for a few seconds and added angrily , ?But wait a moment! How could you afford to buy the ticket?‘ 60

Bill Jenkins worked in a big office in the city, and generally he used to go to the barber‘s during working hours to have his hair curt, although this was against the rules : clerks had to have their hair cut in their own time.

While Bill was at the barber‘s one day, the manager of the office came in by chance to have his own hair cut. Bill saw him and tried to hide his face, but the manager came and sat beside him, so he soon recognized him.

‘Hullo, Jenkins,‘ the manager said. ?I see that you are having your hair cut in office time.‘

‘Yes, sir, I am,‘ admitted Bill calmly. ?You see, sir, it grows in office time.‘

‘Not all of it,‘ said the manager of the office at once. ?Some of it grows in your own time.‘ ‘Yes, sir, that‘s quite true,‘ answered Bill politely , ?but I‘m not having it all cut off.‘ 61.

A clerk who worked very hard and was usually very punctual arrived at his office very late one morning . He had bruises on his face, a scratch on one of his lips, sticking-plaster on his left wrist and thumb, and a bandage on his right shoulder. He had also hurt his knees, ankles and some of his toes.

The manager of the office was not a patient man, and he had been waiting for the clerk, because he had some work to give him. When he saw him came in at last , he said angrily , ?you‘re an hour late, Tomkins!‘

‘I know, sir,‘ answered the clerk politely. ?I‘m very sorry. My flat is on the eighth floor, and just before I left home this morning, while I was closing one of the windows, I slipped and fell out.‘ ‘Well,‘ the manager answered coldly, ?did that take you an hour?‘ 62

Elizabeth was a very pretty girl, and her parents were rich. Quite a lot of the young men in the town wanted to marry her, but she was not satisfied with any of them.

One evening , one of the handsomest of the young men who wanted to marry Elizabeth came to visit her in her parents‘ house and asked her to become his wife. She answered, ?No, William, I won‘t marry you. I want to marry a man who is famous, who can play music, sing and dance very well, who can tell really interesting stories, who does not smoke or drink , who stays at home in the evenings and who stops talking when I‘m tired of listening.‘

The young man got up, took his coat and went to the door, but before he left the house, he turned and said to Elizabeth, ?It isn‘t a man you‘re looking for. It‘s a television set.‘ 63

Miss Grey lived alone in a small flat. She was old and did not like noise at all, so she was very pleased when the noisy young man and woman who lived in the flat above her moved out. A new young man moved in, and Miss Grey thought, ?Well, he looks quite.‘

But at three o‘clock the next morning , Miss Grey was woken up by the barking of a dog.

She thought, ?I‘ve never heard a dog here before. It must belong to the new man in the flat above.‘ So she telephoned the young man, said some nasty things to him about the dog and then hung the telephone up before he could answer.

Nothing more happened until three o‘clock the next morning . Then Miss Grey‘s telephone rang, and when she answered, a voice said, ?I‘m the man upstairs. I‘ve rung you up to say that I haven‘t got a dog.‘ 64

Mrs.. Robinson had one small son. His name was Billy. Mrs.. Robinson loved Billy very much, and as he was not a strong child, she was always afraid that he might get ill ,so she used to take him to the best doctor in the town four times a year to have him examined.

During one of these visits, the doctor gave Billy various tests and then said to him, ?Have you had any trouble with your nose or ears recently?‘ Billy thought for a second and then answered , ?Yes, I have.‘

Mrs.. Robinson was very worried. ?But I‘m sure you‘ve never told me that, Billy!‘ she said anxiously.

‘Oh, really?‘ said the doctor seriously. ?And what trouble have you had with your nose and ears, my boy?‘

‘Well,‘ answered Billy, ?I always have trouble with them when I‘m taking my jersey off, because the neck is very tight.‘ 65

Some friends hired a bus to go to the seaside for the day. When they returned to the bus late at night to go home, someone was lying on the ground beside it. They looked at him and discovered that he was a man from their town whim they were sure had not come on their bus. He was very drunk.

‘I suppose he came in another bus,‘ one of the men said, ?and missed it when it left for home because he was drunk. Now he‘s come to our bus to go back in that.‘

Two men put him into the bus. He did not wake up during the drive back, and when the bus arrived , they took him to his home, still very drunk.

They knocked at the door for several minutes, and then a neighbour opened a window and said, ?It‘s no use knocking there. They‘ve gone to the seaside for two weeks‘. 66

A man met a friend in the street and asked him to lend him five pounds. The friend did so willingly.

A week later they met again. ‘You’ve lent me £ 5. Lend me another £ 5, and then I’ll owe you £ 10,’ the friend said. The man did so.

A few days later they met again, and the friend said, ‘You lent me £ 10, lend me another £ 10, and then I’ll owe you £ 20 .’ The man did this , although he was rather doubtful about doing it.

Two weeks later the friend asked for more money. ‘You’ve already lent me £ 20. Can you make it £ 50?’ he said.

The man did not answer for a few seconds, but he was unable to refuse.

A month later, the two men met again. ‘You’ve lent me £ 50?’ began the friend. ‘Who? Me?‘ answered the man anxiously. ?I disagree! I‘ve never lent you any money!‘ 67

A man was driving along a road in his motor-car when a policeman on a motor-cycle stopped him and said, ? You were doing more than eighty kilometres an hour. You‘re only allowed to do eighty along this road.‘ The man had to go to court, and there he told the judge that he was not driving at more than eighty kilometers an hour, and that he never drove at more than sixty-five.

The man‘s wife had been in the car too, when the policeman had stopped it, and she said to the judge, ?My husband was driving at only fifty kilometres an hour when the policeman stopped him.‘

Her sister, Ann, had been in the car too, and she said to the judge, ?We were hardly moving at all when the policeman came up behind us.‘

By this time, the judge had had quite enough. ?Stop now,‘ he said, ?or you will finish by hitting something behind your car.‘ 68

A potato farmer was sent to prison just at the time when he should have been digging the ground for planting the new crop of potatoes. He know that his wife would not be strong enough to do the digging by herself, but that she could manage to do the planting; and he also knew that he did not have any friends or neighbours who would be willing to do the digging for him. So he wrote a letter to his wife which said, ?Please do not dig the potato field. I hid the money and the gun there .‘

Ten days later he got a letter from his wife. It said, ?I think somebody is reading your letters before they go out of the prison. Some policeman arrived here two days ago and dug up the whole potato field. What shall I do now?‘

The prisoner wrote back at once, ?Plant the potatoes, of course.‘ 69

Joe was going into his usual bar before lunch when he saw a poorly dressed man fishing in a small pool of rain-water about five centimetres deep outside it.

Joe stopped and watched the man for a few minutes. He saw that most of the people who passed by him believed he must be rather mad. Joe pitied the man, so after a few minutes he went up to him and said kindly, ?Hullo, would you like to come into the bar and have a drink with me?‘

The fisherman was delighted to accept his offer, and the two men went into the bar together. Joe bought the fisherman a few drinks, and finally said to him, ?You‘ve been fishing outside here, haven‘t you? How many did you manage to catch this morning , if I may ask?‘ ‘You‘re the eighth,‘ the fisherman answered merrily 70

Mr.. Robinson was driving to Oxford one cloudy day when he saw a hitch-hiker holding a sign above his head which said CAMBRIDGE .Mr.. Robinson thought it unwise to take hitch-hikers, because he had read frightening stories of what some of them did to drivers, but he was a kind man, so he stopped and said, ?You‘re going to get wet. You‘re on the wrong road for Cambridge. This road goes to Oxford.‘

‘Yes, I know,‘ answered the hitch-hiker gaily, as he got into Mr.. Robinson‘s car. ?That‘s where I want to go. I only started to wait here a minute ago, and I knew someone would be likely to stop to tell me I was on the wrong road. If I‘d held up a sign with OXFORD on it, I might have had to wait for an hour for someone to stop!‘ 71

Mr.. Grey had a nice shop in the main street of a small town . He sold jewellery, watches, clocks and other things like those. All went well for some years, and then Mr.. Grey‘s shop was broken into at night twice in one month, and a lot of jewellery was stolen each time. The police had still not managed to catch the thief three weeks later, so Mr.. Grey decided that he would try to do something about it .He therefore bought a camera, fixed it up in his shop so that it would photograph anyone who broke in at night, and put some very cheap jewellery in front of it for the thief.

A few nights later the thief did come again, but he did not touch any of the cheap jewellery that Mr.. Grey had put out for him. He took the camera. It was worth £ 150.00. 72

Mrs.. Williamson had two sons. One morning during the holidays, when she was doing the washing for the family, her younger son came and asked her for some money for sweets.

‘Sweets are bad for your teeth,‘ Mrs.. Williamson said. ?Take these two oranges instead, and give one to your older brother.‘ One of the oranges was quite a lot bigger than the other, and as the small boy liked oranges, he kept that one for himself, and gave his brother the smaller one.

When the older boy saw that his brother had a much larger orange than his own, he said to him, ?It‘s selfish to take the bigger one for yourself. If Mother had given me the oranges, I‘d have given you the bigger one.‘

‘I know you would,‘ answered his brother. ?That‘s why I took it.‘ 73

A busy mother asked her young son to take his baby sister out into the garden and look after her for half an hour while she was doing some work in the house.

The boy took the baby out, and they seemed to be playing quite happily when suddenly the mother heard the baby begin to cry, so she shouted to her son, ?Billy, what‘s the matter with Susan? Why‘s she crying?‘ ‘Because she wants my marbles,‘ answered Billy.

‘Well, let her play with a few of them if it will stop her crying ,‘ said the mother patiently. ?I must finish this work , and she‘d be in my way in here.‘ ‘But she wants to keep them!‘ answered Billy.

‘No, she doesn‘t !‘ the mother said. ?She‘ s only a baby. She‘s too young to understand anything like that.‘

‘But I know that she wants to keep them,’ answered Billy . ‘She’s already swallowed(吞咽)two of them!’ 74

Dick was a waiter in a small restaurant . One day a man came in and sat down at one of the tables. Dick greeted him and went to find out what he wanted to eat. The man said he would like some chicken with potatoes and other vegetables.

‘Roast chicken,‘ he added as Dick was leaving.

‘Very well, sir,‘ Dick answered and disappeared into the kitchen.

But the man called him back, saying, ?Just a moment, waiter. Please try to have it cooked just right –not too little, and not too much, and with as little fat as possible.‘ ‘Very well, sir,‘ answered Dick obediently. ?I‘ll tell the cook.‘

Once more he began to go towards the kitchen, but again the man stopped him with the words, ?Oh, and I forgot to explain that I‘m fond of the leg.‘

‘Very well, sir,‘ answered Dick. ?Do you prefer the left leg, or the right?‘ 75

When David Williams left the university, he went to Australia. When he returned to England for a visit twenty years later, he decided to go back to his old university.

David was delighted when he discovered that his old professor was still teaching there. He went to visit the old man, and after they had an interesting talk, the professor went out to get something. While he was away, David saw an examination paper on the desk. He looked at the date on it and saw that it had

been given to the students the week before. David picked the paper up and read it through.

When the professor came back, David said to him. ?Professor, I‘m certain that these are exactly the same questions that you asked us in our examinations twenty years ago? How is that possible?‘

‘Yes, that‘s right,‘ agreed the professor calmly. ?The questions are the same, but the answers have changed.‘ 76

When George finished his studies at the university, he began to look around for a job. He did not know what he would like to do, but one of his uncles had worked for the government for thirty years, and he advised George to try to get a job of the same kind, so he went for an examination one day. He was successful, and his first job was in a large government office in London.

When George had been working there for a few weeks, his uncle came to visit the family one Saturday evening . He was delighted that his nephew had managed to get a job working for the government, and he asked him a lot of questions about it.

One of the questions he asked was, ?And how many people work in your department, George?‘ The young man thought for a few moments and then answered , ?About half of them, Uncle Jim.‘ 77

A young mother believed that it was very wrong to waste any food when there were so many hungry people in the world. One evening , she was giving her small daughter her tea before putting her to bed. First she gave her a slice of fresh brown bread and butter, but the child said that she did not want it like that . She asked for some jam on her bread as well.

Her mother looked at her, for a few seconds and then said, ?When I was a small girl like you, Lucy, I was always given either bread and butter, or bread and jam ,but never bread with butter jam.‘

Lucy looked at her mother for a few moments with pity in her eyes and then said to her kindly , ?Aren‘t you pleased that you‘ve come to live with us now?‘ 78

A very new, young officer was at a railway station. He was on his way to visit his mother in another town, and he wanted to telephone her to tell her the time of his train, so that she could meet him at the station in her car. He looked in all his pockets, but found that he did not have the right money for the telephone , so he went outside and looked around for someone to help him.

At last an old soldier came by, and the young officer stopped him and said, ?Have you got change for ten pence?‘

‘Wait a moment,‘ the old soldier answered , beginning to put his hand in his pocket. ?I‘ll see whether I can help you.‘

‘Don‘t you know how to speak to an officer?‘ the young man said angrily. ?Now let‘s start again. Have you got change for ten pence?‘

‘No, sir,‘ the old soldier answered quickly. 79

An old porter had been working for the railway for a very long time. He was standing in one of the big railway stations in London one morning, waiting for travelers to ask him to help them with their luggage, when he saw a small man running toward the trains, carrying a bag.

The porter watched the man for a few seconds, and then the man saw the porter. At once he ran up to him and said, ?Can I catch the 10:35 train to Newcastle-on-Tyne, porter?‘ He was breathing very fast, and he sounded worried .

The old porter looked at him for a moment and then said politely, ?Well, sir, I‘d like to help you, but I can‘t answer your question, because I don‘t know how fast you can run along rails. You see,‘ he explained, ? the 10.35 train to Newcastle-on-Tyne left five minutes ago.‘ 80

A young man hurried into his town library. He went up to one of the old librarians and said to her eagerly, ?Do you remember that you persuaded me to borrow a book about Greek history a week ago?‘ ‘Yes, that‘s right,‘ answered the librarian.

‘Do you remember the name of the book?‘ the young man asked.

The librarian felt very proud, because she was always trying to get young people to take out books about Greek history, and she rarely found one who was willing to accept her suggestions.

‘Yes,‘ she answered. ?Do you want to take it out again?‘ Did you think that it was so interesting?‘

‘No, of course not,‘ said the young man, ?but when I was taking it home, I met a girl on the bus , and I wrote her telephone number in the book. I want to telephone her, so please may I look at the book again?‘ 81

A big battle was going on during the First World War. Guns were firing, and shells and bullets were flying about everywhere. After an hour of this, one of the soldiers decided that the fighting was getting too dangerous for him, so he left the front line and began to go away from the battle. After he had walked for an hour, he saw an officer coming towards him. The officer stopped him and said, ?Where are you going?‘ ‘I‘m trying to go as far away as possible from the battle that‘s going on behind us, sir,‘ the soldier answered.‘

‘Do you know who I am?‘ the officer said to him angrily. ?I‘m your commanding officer.‘

The soldier was very surprised when he heard this and said, ?My God, I didn‘t realize that I was so far back already!‘ 82

A young lady who was on holiday in Brighton went into a bank to collect some money which had been sent there for her from the town in which she lived.

The clerk in the Brighton bank did not know her, so he said, ?What proof have you got that you are really the lady who should collect this money?‘

The young lady looked worried for a few moments and said, ?I don‘t think I‘ve brought any proof with me,‘ but then she suddenly looked happy again. She opened her bag, took a photograph of herself out of it and showed it to the clerk. ?Here‘s something,‘ she said.

The clerk looked at the photograph carefully and then looked at the young lady. ?Yes, that‘s you,‘ he said ,and paid the money to her without any more trouble. Humorous stories

Smart Advice

Susan was very interested in computers and soon she was able to do unusual things with her computer. ―It is really a good friend to me,‖ Susan told her mother one evening. ―I can ask it questions, and it answers just as people do . It can even give you advice.‖ “I want your computer to give me some advice,” said her mother. “ I have two watches. One of them gains one second(快一秒) every hour and the other has stopped and won’t start again. I don’t know which I should keep. Do you mind asking your computer?” ―It‘s a simple question for my computer,‖ Susan laughed.

Several minutes later Susan said, ―My computer advised you to keep the watch that stopped. It said that watch will be right once every twelve hours, but the other one will be right only once every five years.‖

How He Used That One Dollar

“When I came to New York for the first time, I had nothing but only one dollar in my pocket. With it I began to do my business,‖ a millionaire said when once he was interviewed. “ Then what did you do with it?‖ the reporter asked eagerly.

“With that one dollar I sent a telegram to my parents and begged them to post me some money as soon as possible, of course,‖ the millionaire replied. Good Luck

Once a man strolled about on his horse. When he saw a restaurant, he tied his horse to a tree and went in. But after he finished his meal, he couldn‘t find his horse. He searched for his horse everywhere but couldn‘t find it. Others in the restaurant were all worried for him. But he said slowly, ―I‘m lucky. If I had been on the horse, I would have been lost as well Counting Money

The new bank teller was given a package of dollar bills with the instruction to count them and see if there were a hundred.

He counted up to fifty-eight and then threw the bundle down. ―Why did you stop?‖ asked the bank manager.

―If it is right this far, it‘s probably right all the way,‖ said the teller. The Absent-minded professor

I know a professor who was very learned but absent-minded. Once he stood in front of a mirror for two hours, wondering why he could see himself. Another time he went around a revolving door for six hours because he couldn‘t remember whether he was going in or coming out.

There are many stories about the professor. One afternoon, he was hanging on to a strap in a crowded bus . Under the other arm he held some books. As he swayed to and fro he began to look worried . ―May I help you?‖ asked the man next to him. ―Yes,‖ said the professor. ―I am late for my class, I think. Will you please hold on the strap for me while I look at my watch?‖

One evening the professor got into the bathtub without taking off his clothes. But it didn‘t matter. He had forgotten to put any water into the bathtub. The next morning when he was on his way to the university, he thought he had left his watch at home, ―I wonder whether I have enough time to go back for it,‖ he said , looking at his watch.

Once the professor went to restaurant. The following interesting dialogue shows how absent-minded the professor was:

Waiter: Haven‘t you forgotten something , sir?

Professor: What do you mean? I thought I had given you a tip. Waiter: Yes, sir, you did. But you forgot to eat. An Exact Man

My friend likes to be exact. ―Where is the department store?‖ a passer-by asked him once. “The department store? You have to cross a bridge and then turn to the left.‖ “And is the bridge long?‖ “Very. Twenty meters.‖

The passer-by thanked him and went toward the bridge. Suddenly he heard someone running after him, shouting something.

“Stop!‖ my friend was shouting. ―I‘ve just remember : the bridge is forty meters long. If you go 20 meters and then turn to the left, as I told you to do, you will fall into the river.‖ Joe Richards‘ Birthday

Joe Richards finished school when he was 18, and then his father said to him, ―You‘ve passed your examinations now, Joe, and you got good marks in them. Now go and get a good job. They‘re looking for clever people at the bank in the town. The clerks there get quite a lot of money now.‖

A few days later, Joe went to the bank and asked for work there. A man took him into a small room and gave him some questions on a piece of paper. Joe wrote his answers on the paper, and then he gave them to the man.

The man looked at them for a few minutes, and then he took a pen and said to Joe, ―Your birthday was on the 12 th of June, Mr. Richards?‖ ―Yes, sir,‖ Joe said.

―What year?‖ the man asked. ―Oh, every year, sir,‖ Joe said.

Effective way

Once there was a fat woman who weighed as much as 160 kilograms. She realized that there was a serious weight problem with herself. So she went to one of her neighbors for advice. The following dialogue happened between the woman and her neighbor. ―What sport do you think can make me thinner?‖ ―Only one sport can.‖ ―What?‖

―Just shake your head from right to left, then from left to right when asked to dinner. Will you try it?‖ Overdone Toast Is OK

At a snack counter John was served his bacon and egg, but was told by the waitress that she had burned his toast and would have to make more.

―That‘s all right ,‖ John said. ―I like it that way.‖ ―But it is almost black,‖ she told him. ― I like it that way,‖ he repeated.

As she brought him the overdone slice, she turned and said to herself, ― I‘ve finally found a man I can cook for.‖

A Sign from God

A woman and a man were involved in a car accident. Both of their cars were totally damaged but amazingly neither of them was hurt . After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, ―So you‘re a man, that‘s interesting. I‘m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There‘s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends for the rest of our days.‖ The man replied , ― I agree with you completely.‖ “ And look at this , here’s another miracle(奇迹). My car is completely damaged but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune,” the woman continued . Then she handed the bottle to the man . The man nodded in agreement, opened it and drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put its cap back on, and handed it back to the man. The man asked , ―Aren‘t you having any?‖

The woman replied. ―No. I think I‘ll just wait for the police.‖ Birthday Present

Sally was a college student and she didn‘t have much money. It was going to be her mother‘s birthday soon, and she wanted to buy her mother a present. She didn‘t have lunch for ten days and then she bought her mother a black silk umbrella.

On her way back home in the train that evening she felt very hungry so she went to the buffet compartment (自助餐车厢)for a sandwich and a cup of coffee. She left the black silk umbrella on her seat, but when she got back, it had gone! Sally burst into tears. The other passengers felt very sorry for her. When she had to get off at the next station, some passengers asked her for her mother‘s address and said they would send the umbrella to her mother if they found it.

Two weeks later Sally heard from her mother. In her letter she said, ―Thank you very much for your lovely presents, but why did you send me five black silk umbrellas?‖ A New Neighbour

Some people often feel that whatever happened in the film could happen to them.

At her friend‘s Jane had been enjoying a detective film in which a young girl had been followed and murdered. Now she was walking to the subway station, feeling a little frightened. She took the subway back to the center of the city where there were a lot of people, so she felt much safer.

She thought of nothing until she found a man nearby staring at her. She got out of the station and went to the bus stop. After she had taken a seat, she found that she was still followed. She got off the bus and walked as quickly as possible. She could hear footsteps behind her, but she dared not turn around before she reached the front door. She was feeling for her key when she reached the front door. She was feeling for her key when she felt a hand on her shoulder and a nice voice, ―I‘d apologize if I frightened you. I‘m your new neighbor. I thought I knew you on the subway, but I wasn‘t so sure.‖

A soldier‘s experience

A soldier was describing his experience in the battle. He said, “ Once the nurses took me onto an ammunition car (弹药车)....”

“Just a minute!” someone interrupted (打断) him. “That was not an ammunition car but an ambulance(救护车).”

“No! There were so many bullets (子弹) in my body that all the army doctors agreed to put me to the ammunition car.”

The Tortoise and the Eagle

―If only I could fly,‖ sighed the tortoise one day, looking up at the birds wheeling and gliding far above him. ―What a different person I would be. It‘s just a question of getting off the ground. If I could get high enough in the air I could soar as well as any bird.‖

He began to practise little leaps, waving his forepaws in the air and stretching his neck as far as it could go. He even jumped off a couple of small rocks to try his skill, but each time he landed rather heavily on his stomach.

“If only I could get right up there where the wind would catch me,‖ he grumbled.

One day when he was watching the birds as usual a great eagle landed on a low branch beside him and began to preen his feathers. The tortoise regarded him enviously . Then he had an idea. “Will you teach me to fly, eagle?‖

“Teach you to fly? Why ? That‘s impossible,‖ laughed the eagle. ―You have no wings for a start. You‘d better stay on the ground, tortoise, where you belong!‖

The tortoise did not give up. He pleaded and begged, offering the eagle all kinds of rewards until at last the eagle agreed reluctantly to help him.

“All you have to do is take me up into the air. Then I‘ll be carried along by the wind just as you are,‖ said the tortoise confidently as the eagle grasped him in his talons.

Higher and higher the eagle rose until the trees and houses were matchstick toys below them. “Now!‖ cried the tortoise excitedly. ―Let me go and tell me what to do with my legs...‖

The eagle opened his claws but before he had time to give a word of advice the tortoise had fallen straight down to the hard, rocky ground far below!‖ Don‘t try to be something you are not.

Cost of Being Honest

I was very grateful when a New York City cabdriver (计程车司机) called from the taxi that I had left my pocketbook in the back seat. I offered to reward him, but he said, “If you don’t mind, just let me know how much there is in your purse.”

When I informed him, the driver wrote the amount in a notebook and explained , “I’m keeping track of (记录)what it’s costing me to be honest.” Air Conditioner

A man was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant. Firstly he asked him to turn the air conditioner

up because he was too cold, then he asked him to turn it down because he was too hot, and so it went for about half an hour.

Surprisingly the waiter was very patient. He walked back and forth and never once got angry. Finally, another guest asked the waiter why he was so patient.

“Oh, I don‘t care,‖ said the waiter with a smile. ―We don‘t even have an air conditioner.‖

A Magic Tree

Mr. Lizard spent a lot of money on a magic tree that could shed coins, planning to make a big fortune. However, a month later, he didn’t see a coin shedding from the tree. He was so angry that he went to ask the shopkeeper. But the shopkeeper said, “You should have read the instructions(说明) carefully.” Then he learned that this kind of tree had to be watered by Coca-Cola. So Mr. Lizard bought a big box of Cola to water the tree. As a result, the tree did grow some coins. The more Cola he watered, the more coins he got. At last, he added all the coins from the tree together and also added the money he had spent on Cola. To his great surprise, he had a deficit (亏欠)of one cent. The Reason for Parking

A: What made you think you could park your car here?

B: Well, there was a big sign on which was written “Fine(罚款;好的 ) for parking”. Doctor and Patient

Patient : I came to see you last year for my rheumatism(风湿病)? You told me to avoid dampness(潮湿). Doctor: Yes, of course. What can I do for you now? Patient: I‘d just like to know if I could take a bath now.

Tom‘s Answer

Tom was a farmer. One day he went to a hardware store() to buy something . The store-keeper had many bicycles in the store and wanted to sell one to Tom.

He said, ―Look here, Tom, I have some very good bicycles to sell. I can sell you the best bicycle and you can ride around your farm on it every day.‖

―Oh, no,‖ said Tom. ―I don‘t want to buy a bicycle. I think a cow is more useful to me, and the price is OK.‖

―But just think,‖ said the store-keeper. ―You can‘t ride around a town on a cow. That‘s foolish.‖ ―Well,‖ said Tom with a smile. ―Which is more foolish, to ride on a cow or to milk a bicycle?‖

You May See It Yourself

An old woman was talking to a photographer(摄影师). “Would you please enlarge(放大) my son’s photo?” “Yes, certainly.‖

“But I don‘t like the cap he wore in the photo. Can you take it off?‖ “Sure. But please tell me what hair style(发式) your son wears.” “Why? You may see it yourself when you take off his cap.‖

A Clever parrot

Father: Where‘s the parrot I gave to you as your birthday present? Son: It has flown away. I don‘t know where it is now.

Father: What a pity! It‘s a clever bird, and it can speak very well. Son: Then why didn‘t it tell me where it wanted to go?

Love Between Sister and Brother

My 11-year-old daughter and my eight-year-old son quarreled and fought over the slightest thing. I was surprised when my daughter made a nice card for her brother‘s birthday. Inside she wrote: ― Happy birthday to my nine-year-old brother. I am so glad to have a brother to love. So God gave me you. P. S. Don’t read this out loud or I will twist(拧) your head off.”

A Proof of Safety

Jack took a plane to see his daughter. He found that the passenger sitting next to him was very nervous, so he comforted him and said, ― Why are you so upset()? Nowadays it is absolutely () safe to take a flight; instead, it is more dangerous to take a car. Not long ago my friend Johnny was driving along a road when suddenly a plane fell onto his car.‖

A Story about Bad-temper and Bails

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the fence in the backyard. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.

Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails the boy hammered daily gradually dwindled. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence... Finally the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all.

He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence.

He said, ―You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this in others‘ heart. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won‘t matter how many times you say I‘m sorry, the wound is still there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.‖

Friends are a very rare jewel indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear; they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us.

Send this story to everyone you consider a FRIEND, even if it means sending it back to the person who sent it to you. If it comes back to you, then you‘ll know you have a circle of friends.

What Does It Matter?

Woman: Hey, waiter, is this chicken or duck?

Waiter: Can‘t you tell by the taste?

Woman: No , I can‘t .

Waiter: Then , what does it matter?

Speech and Conversation

1) The first impression one gets of a person , for good of for bad, is usually his appearance; the second is the sound of his voice. A voice that is too high, or rasping, inaudible, or otherwise unattractive is very great handicap to one‘s personality. One should study to have an attractive voice as well as an attractive appearance.

2) A good conversationalist is popular anywhere , so conversation is an art worth studying . Notice what makes other people‘s conversation attractive or unattractive. Practise saying only things which are interesting to others.

3) It is bad taste in society to talk a great deal about one‘s self or one‘s family. Nothing reveals more quickly the kind of person you are than the things you talk about.

4) There are many interesting and fascinating subjects of conversation in these days ---world issues, social problems, literature, art, music, psychology, education, science, sports, hobbies or any special interest one has in common with others.

5) The subjects to be avoided are: bed-bugs, fleas, lice, cockroaches; income or salary of friends, or prices of their possessions; the age of the person one is talking with; personal questions or remarks.

6) Speak naturally but not boastfully of the good thing in your own country, and speak appreciatively of what you can approve of in the foreign country.

7) It is bad manners to get cross or surly or angry in a conversation or discussion. If you are thinking as much of others as of yourself, you will not make any of these mistakes.

如何有效地获得老师的帮助?

转变观念,充分利用课堂双边活动中老师所提供的帮助

1. 和老师合作,对老师的讲课应作出积极的反应

2. 争取获得教师有针对性的帮助 你一定要争取机会。

3. 积极参与课堂交际活动 人人都有开口练习的机会,这些机会地通过pair work和group work提供的。

4. 仔细体会教师的教学重点 有些同学不去积极因素思考教师的讲话,只满足于一知半解;学有困难的学生,要提前预习单词和课文。

让教师及时了解你的英语学习的进展情况

口头作业和书面作业及时上交给教师,同时可把自己的问题写在作业本子上,

与老师进行情感沟通和学习方法的探讨

不妨把你的困扰、问题给教师说说; 教师学生多、工作忙, 不可能时刻提醒你:“你哪儿需要帮助?”增强学习的主动性和积极性。

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