英语幽默笑话集锦绝对好笑(11300字)

发表于:2021.1.8来自:www.fanwen118.com字数:11300 手机看范文

一. Mental deficiency 智力缺陷

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Bob asked ..."how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." " Well, What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

“医生,你能不能告诉我,”鲍勃问,“对于一个看 上去很正常的人,你是怎样判断出他有智力缺陷的呢?”“再没有比这容易的了,”医生回答,“问他一个简单的问题,简单到所有人都知道答案,如果他回答得不 干脆,那你就知道是怎么回事了。”“那要问什么样的问题呢?”“嗯,你可以这样问,?库克船长环球旅行了三次,但是在其中一次的途中他去世了,是哪一次 呢??”鲍勃想了一会儿,紧张的回答道,“你就不能问另外一个问题吗?坦率地说,我对历史了解的不是很多。”

二. A Girl's Name 女孩的名字

A Girl's Name

When our daughter was born, we named her Myles, after my beloved late(已故的) father, despite family warning that the name was too masculine(男性的) .

Years later, when I felt she was old enough to understand, I explained to Myles, Your name is very special. I named you after my own father because I loved him very much. I know he would be proud of you.

Myles thought carefully about this and then said, I know all that, Mom. But I don't understand why my grandfather had a girl's name.

女孩的名字

女儿出生时,我们给她取名叫迈尔斯,和我深爱的业已过世的父亲同一个名字,不过家人提醒这个名字太男性化了。

几年以后,我觉得迈尔斯已经长大,能够懂事了。我对她解释说:你的名字很特别。我给你取了一个和我爸爸一样的名字,因为我非常爱他。我相信他会为你而深感自豪的。

迈尔斯很仔细地想了一下,然后说道:这些我都懂,妈妈。可是我不知道外公为什么会有一个女孩子的名字。

三. A Gentle Reminder委婉提醒

Having been married a long time, my husband sometimes needs a gentle reminder of a special occasion. On the morning of our 35th anniversary, we were sitting at the breakfast table when I hinted, "Honey, do you realize that we've been sitting in these same two seats for exactly 35 years?"

Putting down the newspaper, he looked straight at me and said, "So, you want to switch seats?" 婚后已久,我丈夫往往在一个特别事情上需要委婉的提醒。在我们结婚35周年纪念的早上,我们正坐在早餐桌旁,我暗示道:“亲爱的,你意识到我们在这两个相同的座位上已坐了整整35年了吗?”

他放下报纸,眼睛直直地望着我:“因此,你想交换座位吗?”

四. 请朋友吃饭 Friend for Dinner

Friend for Dinner

Honey, said the husband to his wife, I invited a friend home for supper.

What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I havent been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I dont feel like cooking a fancy meal!

I know all that.

Then why did you invite a friend for supper?

Because the poor fools thinking about getting married.

请朋友吃饭

“亲爱的,”丈夫对妻子说:“我邀请了一位朋友回家吃晚饭。”

“什么?你疯了吗?我们的房子乱糟糟的,我很久没有买过东西回来了,所有的碗碟都是脏 的,还有,我可不想做一餐累死人的晚饭。”

“这些我全都知道。”

“那你为什么还要邀请朋友回来吃晚饭?”

“因为那个可怜的笨蛋正考虑要结婚呢。”

五. 半个还是十分之五Half or Five Tenths?

Half or Five Tenths?

Teacher: Would you rather have one half of an orange or five tenths? Gerald: I'd much rather have the half.

Teacher: Think carefully, and tell me why.

Gerald: Because you lose too much juice when you cut the orange into five tenths. 半个还是十分之五

老师:你愿意要半个柑橘,还是十分之五个柑橘?

杰拉得:我宁可要半个。

老师:仔细想想,说出理由来。

杰拉得:因为你如果把柑橘切成十分之五,那柑橘汁就损失太多了。

六. I don't think I know我想我不知道

Teacher: "John, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"

John: "What do you think it is, sir?"

Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"

John: "I don't think I know either, sir!"

老师:“John,动词ring的过去分词是什么?”。

约翰:“你想它是什么呢”?

老师:“我不用想,我知道!”。

约翰:“我想我不知道”。

七. 情人节的梦表乱讲

One night just before Valentine's Day a woman had a lovely dream about a beautiful necklace. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it could mean?"

"You'll find out on Valentine's Day." he said with a knowing smile.

On Valentine's Day, the man gave his delighted wife a beautifully wrapped package.

Excitedly, she opened it, only to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams".

情人节前一天,一个女人做了个项链的梦。

当她醒来,她和她丈夫说:“我刚梦到你情人节给了我一根珍珠项链。你说那是什么含义呢?”。

“到情人节那天你就会知道了。”他笑着说。

情人节那天,男人给了他老婆一个礼盒。

她很兴奋地打开,看到的却是一本书,书名是《梦的解析》。

八. 最物理学的冷笑话

A bunch of great, DEAD scientists were playing hide-and-seek in heaven. When it's Einstein's turn to be the seeker, he counted untill 100 and opened his eyes. All the others were hide, but only Newton were still standing there.

Einstein walked to him and said: "Newton, I've got you!"

Newton answered: "No. You didn't got Newton."

Einstein said: "Then who are you!?"

Newton said: "Look, where am I standing?"

Einstein looked down and found that Newton was standing on a square floor board with one metre long and one metre wide. He didn't understand.

Newton then said: "There's one square meters under my feet. It then make us 'Newton divided by square meter". So, what you've got is not Newton, but Pascal."

一群伟大的科学家去世后在天堂里玩藏猫猫。轮到爱因斯坦抓人,他数到100睁开眼睛,看到所有的人都藏起来了,只有牛顿还站在那里。

爱因斯坦走过去说:“牛顿,我抓住你了。”

牛顿:“不,你没有抓到牛顿。”

爱因斯坦:“你不是牛顿你还能是谁?”

牛顿:“你看我脚下是什么?”

爱因斯坦低头,看到牛顿站在一块长、宽都是一米的正方形地板砖上,大为不解。

牛顿:“我脚下是一平方米的方块,我站在上面就是牛顿/平方米。所以你抓住的不是牛顿,你抓住的是帕斯卡。”

物理公式当中“1牛顿/平方米=1帕斯卡”??物理学家的笑话好冷、真的好冷??

九. 上帝不聋奶奶聋

Spending the night with their grandparents, 2 young boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers at bedtime. The younger boy began praying at the top of his lungs:"I PRAY FOR A BIKE... I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD..."

His older brother nudged him and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

2个男孩与祖父母一起过夜,他们跪在床边做睡前祷告。弟弟声嘶力竭地祈祷: "我祈求一辆自行车,一张新DVD??"

哥哥用肘轻推他: "你为什么大喊着祈祷?上帝又不聋。"

弟弟答道:"上帝是不聋,但是奶奶聋。"

“好孩子。现在告诉我们,你是怎样使你奶奶高兴的。”

“是这样的,老师。我昨天去看她,在她那儿呆了三个小时。然后我跟她说:‘奶奶,我要回家了。’她说:‘啊,我很高兴!’”

十. 谨遵医嘱 Doctor's Orders

Brown: I'm sorry to see you so unwell. Have you seen the doctor?

Jack: Yes. I'm having three baths a day.

Brown: What for?

Jack: Don't know, doctor's orders. He gave me some medicine and told me to follow the directions on the bottle, which read:" One tablespoonful to be taken three times a day in water."

布朗:看到你身体这样不好真让人难过。你去看医生了吗?

杰克:看过了,我现在一天洗三次澡。

布朗:为什么? 杰克:我也不知道,这是医生的嘱咐。他给了我一些药并告诉我要按照药瓶上的说明去做。说明上面写着“一天三次在水中服一汤匙。”

十一. 推荐信 Letter of Recommendation

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."

The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter the next day. The following morning, Peters found a letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for 11 years.When he left us, we were very satisfied."

彼得斯听说自己被解雇了,便去见人力资源部的头头。“既然我在公司干了这么久,”他说,“我想至少该给我一封推荐信。”

人力资源部主任同意了,并说他第二天就可拿到该信。第二天早上,彼得斯在他的桌子上看一封信,上面写道:“乔纳森·彼得斯在我们公司干了11年。当他离去的时候,我们很满意。”

十二. Quick Cleanup 快速清扫

Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains. It read "Thank you for not looking in the

bathtub."

不速之客就在路上,我妈妈,一个完美的家庭主妇,正忙里忙外地整理。她分配给我爸和我哥哥的任务是打扫供客人使用的浴室。一会儿之后,当她去检查的时候,她吃惊了,曾经一度杂乱的房间瞬间就被打扫干净了。接着她看到浴帘上有一张纸条,纸条上写着:“谢谢你没往浴缸里看。”

十三. Limited Knowledge 圣诞老人知识有限

As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. "No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate. "You can?t do that," argued my four-year-old. "Don?t worry. Santa will never know." He shot me a look. "So he knows if I?ve been bad or good, but he doesn?t know the cookie fell on the floor?"

平安夜那天,在我们分发饼干时,我一不小心掉了一块到地上。“没关系。”我一边说,一边捡起来,并在放回盘子前掸掉了上面的灰。“你不能那么做。”我四岁大的孩子争论道。“别担心,圣诞老人不会知道的。”他朝我瞟了一眼。“这就是说他知道我有没有做坏事,而他不知道饼干掉在地上过?”

十四. How do I get the gum out我怎么把口香糖取出来

Distributing chewing gum to the passengers, the stewardess explained it was to keep their ears from popping. When the plane landed, one of the passengers rushed up to her and said, "I'm meeting my wife right away. How do I get the gum out from my ears?"

当空中小姐给乘客们发口香糖的时候,她解释说口香糖有助于他们防止耳鸣。飞机着陆后,一位乘客跑到这位空中小姐面前,说道:“ 我马上就要见到我妻子了。我怎么才能把口香糖从耳朵里面取出来呢?”

十五. I am acting like a lady 我要表现得像一位女士

One day women's dresses were on sale at a department store. A dignified middle-aged man decided to pick a dress for his wife, but soon he found himself being battered by frantic women. He stood it as long as he could; then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the

crowd.

"You there!" challenged a thrilling voice. "Can't you act like a gentleman?"

"Listen," he said. "I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour. From now on, I am acting like a lady."

一天,一家百货公司的女装大减价,一位高贵的中年男士想给他的太太挑选一件女装。但是,没过多久,他就发现自己已被疯狂的女人们撞得踉踉跄跄。

他竭力地忍耐着。后来,他低下头,挥舞双臂,挤过人群。

“你干嘛?”有人尖声叫道,“你难道不能表现得像一位绅士吗?”

“听着,”他说。“我已经像绅士一样表现了一个小时了。从现在起,我要表现得像一位女士。”

十六.How much English can you speak? 你会说多少英文?

"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."

The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"

The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"

"法官先生,我的当事人被指控偷窃,这是多么不公正啊。他一周前才来到纽约,几乎不认路。而且,他只会说几个英语单词。"

法官看了看被告,问道:"你会说多少英文?"

被告抬起头,说:"把你的钱包给我!"

十七. Who talks more?谁更啰嗦?

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on average only 15000 words a day, whereas women use 30000 words a day. She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

He said, "What?"

丈夫给妻子看了一项调查结果,为了向她证明女人比男人啰嗦。研究表明男人平均每天使用15000个字,而女人每天使用30000个。

妻子想了一会儿说,女人每天说的字数是男人的两倍,因为她们必须重复已经说过的话。 他问:"什么?"

十八. Is this seat empty?这个座位是空的么?

Boy: Is this seat empty?

Girl: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

男孩:这个座位是空的么?

女孩:是的,如果你坐下,我的座位也将是空的。

十九. Guess 猜一猜

A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."

The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"

The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"

路人甲对路人乙说,"猜猜我兜里有几个子儿?"

路人乙说:"我猜对了,你能给我一个不?"

路人甲说:"你要猜对了,我两个全部给你!"

二十. 研究生和本科生的区别

"I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," said an instructor at a university graduate engineering course. "When I say 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond 'Good afternoon.' But the graduate students just write it down."

一个教师在研究生工程学课堂上说:"我一眼就能看出来哪些是本科生,哪些是研究生。" "我说'下午好'的时候,本科生回答'下午好',而研究生则把这句话记在本子上。"



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