小品《大话西游》剧本
开场音乐响起《西游记》开头曲15秒
[旁白（主持人）：话说大唐国立佛学院博士生导师唐僧带着他的三个研究生弟子去西天取经。这日，师徒四人翻过黑风岭，来到一村庄，此处炊烟袅袅，似有客店人家。四人奔波劳累，在此休憩片刻 ??]
唐：古道西风瘦马，小桥流水人家。悟空，腹中饥饿，无心赶路，快去化些斋饭来！
孙： 师父，你不是正在瘦身减肥吗？那激情燃烧的脂肪可花了我们不少盘缠呢！再说，今天你已经吃了四根油条，四条鸡腿，四盒爆米花外带四只冰糖葫芦了！
唐：（不耐烦地）你这猴头，少废话，没看见为师已皮包骨头（扬州腔）了吗？此去西天途中，多少妖魔鬼怪争相一睹为师的风采，怎可让人家失望而归？！
（走猫步绕场，停步摆造型）
孙：好吧，师父。我这就去。吃饱喝足了可别怪我没提醒你，又念紧箍咒！
唐：你是越来越烦人了，还不快去！
孙：是，师父。八戒、沙僧，take care of 唐老板，I will be back soon.（孙下）
唐僧：“敢问路在何方，还是打个电话向佛祖探寻一下前路吧！”
（场景：唐僧掐指装大仙演算状，边从怀中掏出手机，边带领众徒弟走向舞台右上角靠观众处??）
唐僧：“我说八戒，佛祖的电话多少来着？？”
八戒（正从怀中悄悄掏吃的，闻师傅问话急急状）道：“死就要，不死不要”
唐僧（一边拨电话，一边记起号码状）道：“哦，4918481”
（场景音乐：《电话声》嘟?嘟?）
场下背景声
如来：“喂，哪个”
唐僧（献媚状）：“佛祖么，我是小藏啊，给您邮寄的礼物收到了么？您身体好么？胃口好?.”
如来(不耐烦的急急打断状)：“有话快说，有屁快放，忙着呢！上帝，你出牌撒，比阿拉真主打的还慢，到底出不出撒！”
唐僧（小心状，悄悄抹汗）：“佛祖啊，弟子给您电话，就是想问问前途吉凶，不知前 1
路是否太平，不知??”
如来（急急打断）：“太平，太平，比伊拉克还太平，你就放心吧！去吧去吧！忙，八条（麻将声），886！”
（场景：唐僧还想问话，电话挂断中??）
唐僧：流浪的人在外想念你，亲爱的妹妹。。。。。。取经的路啊走遍天涯，没有一个钱哪。。。。。。漂亮的妹妹你在那里。。。。。。
唐：咦，小猪，你看，那边不是过来了一位beauty!(作远眺状)
沙：一看就是没有化妆的，居然还这么美，（转身面对观众）自然堂，你本来就很美
猪：师父，真的！好好漂亮啊！（作拭口水状）
唐：（羞愧状，柔声）罪过，罪过??八戒你又失态，（递手绢）还不快把嘴角擦一下??不过真是可惜，皮肤稍黑了一点??。（猪、沙、龙愕然）（女子飘飘而过）
沙：STOP！（颤音）姑娘你好，你多大了，你叫什么名字，你从哪里来，要到哪里去，你有没有对象，你的篮子里是什么，你可知道这条路上好多妖怪的呀，没关系我可以保护你的。
白：这位小和尚有礼了。小女子姓白，名晶晶，就是雪碧——晶晶亮，透心凉的那个晶晶是也。
（四人作神往状）
白：此去大唐参加中考英语等级考试。师父们可是从东土大唐来的？
猪：You are right!我们都是大唐的高僧。（自恋中）
唐：（激动地双肩颤动，两眼放光）实不相瞒，中考英语等级考试的主考官乃是小僧的二表姐，若小姐可??那小僧倒可助一臂之力??
白：（娇声）妈妈告诉我，防火防盗防师兄！（众人作晕倒状）
孙：（绕场上）何方妖孽，胆敢骚扰。师父，Don't worry.我来也！师父，Don't worry！我来也！葵花点穴手！（一把点住猪，猪定住，白也定住）咦，不对，好象点住了一只猪！
猪：大师兄，是我啊！！小八八！！
孙：SORRY。眼镜度数不够，分不清who是who了。
2
唐：这猴子越来越没用了。
孙：（冲白的面前，顿停）原来是你——MONICA！
白：STIVEN！真的是你吗？（TITANIC 的音乐响起，孙白对视，作动情状）
猪：Oh, my God! Lovers!
唐：（抹眼泪）好感人啊，我自从看了夹克和肉丝的故事以后，就再没看到过这么感人的场面了！
沙：（递毛巾给唐）师父，别让人笑话了，那是TITANIC。（对观众）上次路过世纪影院，他非拖我们去看，自己哭得啊??唉，我师父就好个多愁善感??
猪：师兄，这是??？
孙：我和MONICA是大学同学??
白：STIVEN那时是班上的体育委员，我是英语课代表??
白：我是你的什么？
孙：你是我的优乐美
白：啊？原来我是奶茶
孙：这样就能把你捧在手心了 （四人作神往状，孙白二人作回忆状）
猪：啊！我知道了，猴哥那时还喜欢唱：ONLY YOU
沙：哎呀（右手戳）你个笨猪，跑调啦！！连歌都不会唱，别在这里丢人，还打扰师兄他们
猪：哪有，我老猪向来是能歌善舞，当年我和三师弟还组团演出呢。（曾小贤版常回家看看）
孙：look你个头啊．．（一捶把他打个好远）
孙：你们闭嘴！不然我一口盐汽水喷死你！
唐：悟空，这就是你的不是了。白小姐如此痴情，你却这般铁石心肠，不解风情。天啊，悲剧啊??
沙：师傅，你的毛巾
3
唐：是你的毛巾
沙：师傅，真的是你的毛巾
唐：啊，口香糖吃多了，多谢徒儿
白：STIVEN，我这次不是来捉你师父的。我这次不是来捉你师父的，既然你一心向组织靠拢，追求进步，我也不好阻拦。我??我走了。（走几步，猛回头）可是忘了，菩萨说，要是您的QQ头像今晚再不亮她就要把您的名字写到墓碑上去。 （走，回头）有事记得call我。（走几步，面向观众）蓝牙耳机，双卡双待，大屏手写，彰显尊贵，南非真钻，八心八箭，破盘价，只要998.
唐：啊，我竟然忘了，快走（唐跑下）
猪：师兄，998真的没有了吗
沙：是啊师兄，这儿好的机会，你怎么??
孙：其实??（掏出手机）我不被他的998所诱惑是有原因的。看，最新iphone5，内部价888，无需多谈，只需一个肾，轻松拥有（孙慢走下场，猪沙对视）
猪：师兄，等等我们啊
沙：师兄，团购有没有优惠啊!
(两人下场)
（完后，一起上场谢幕）
4
第二篇：大话西游课堂表演剧本
Big words of western tour （大话西游）
Chapter 1 Site：The wedding
Characters: 牛魔王 、至尊宝、紫霞、小妖、人群（由班上其他同学扮演）
Aside: The story begins with a wedding. The Bull King is going to have a concubine.
[5kCNkjubain]：n. 妾, 情妇, 姘妇
[bul]：n. [动]公牛, 粗壮如牛的人
牛：Today is my wedding. I am going to have a concubine. Ha ha ha …….
妖：Concubine? Dose your wife agree to it?
牛：Oh! She is not lovely anymore. She’s right now at the Flame Mountain. She can do nothing about it!
(至尊宝从后台走入人群中)
牛：Let me introduce my brother to you! My bro! Come here! This is my brother. (牛深情地转向紫霞)
牛：Zixia, listen to me. I think I’ve fallen in love with you once I know you. I want to show my sincerity. So I request you to marry me in front of my bros. This Pandora’s Box is my gift to you. I hope you would say yes.
[sin5seriti]：n. 诚挚, 真实, 真挚
妖：I object!
牛：What?
妖：Zixia has a means to test her lover. If you can pass it, I will shout up!
至：What’s this? Really?
妖：This test is that she would marry the guy who can make her Magic Sword go out of the scabbard. (剑从至的怀中落下)
妖：Magic Sword?
牛：Let me do this!
紫：(紫跑出，拾剑) It’s not true! It’s just a joke. It is still meaningless even if you can put it out!
(紫跑下)
妖：King, Iron Fan Princess has come.
牛：Aaa…… (牛惊慌地跑下)
Aside: The monkey king leaves the front hall, running to back garden……
Chapter 2 Site: Bull King’s back garden
Characters: 至尊宝、紫霞
（至跑过来，突然看到紫独自坐在台阶上，于是走过来）
至：Why are you hiding here?
(紫抽剑，指向至。两人定格，至走出来，独白)
至：At this time, the blade is really close to me, 0.01 cm I think. But after a short period of time, 0.01 second I think, the owner of the sword will fall for me whole-heartedly. Because I’ve decided to tell lies, I’ve told many lies in my life, but I think it is the most wonderful lie!
紫：I’ll kill you if you come closer!
至：You should kill me! Kill me! I’d found my best love, but I didn’t treasure her. I left regretful after that. It’s the ultimate pain in the world. Just cut my throat, please don’t hesitate! If God can give me a chance, I will tell her three words. “I love you”. If God wants to give a time limit, I’ll say this love will last 10 thousand years!
（紫长叹，抛剑，拾剑，抱剑）
紫：What can you tell your wife?
至：I have to tell her the truth. So I must get the Pandora’s Box back. Then go back with you and explain everything. But I hate myself that I can’t get the box back. I ……
紫：I help you!
至：No, it’s dangerous!
紫：You don’t want to?
至：I do! But ……
紫：I trust you! I’ll get the Pandora’s Box back tonight. Wait for me here at midnight.
(猪喊)
至：Let me do something to my boss first. See you tonight.（依依不舍）
Aside: The night ……
Chapter 3 Site: Dungeon
Characters: 至尊宝、猪八戒、沙僧、唐僧
猪和沙(两人同时悄声说)：Master, master
猪：We come to save you.
沙：We come to bring you out.
唐：I won’t go.
猪和沙：Stay here? Why?
唐：There’re full of obstacles in the way of getting scriptures. This is because we’re not united enough. So we let the devils do bad to us. That’s fine. This prison has no difference with the outside world, to me; the outside world is just a bigger prison. You go out first. I have something to tell him.
(猪和沙下)
唐：You come in and have a sit!
至：To be honest, I’m not your disciple. I don’t want to be your disciple. Master I know you’re a good guy. Please let me go!
[di5saipl]：n. 信徒, 弟子, 门徒
唐：Do you know “dong , dong, dong ……”?
至：What is “dong, dong, dong”?
唐：“dong, dong, dong ……” is ……
(唐唱Only you)
至：Stop. Stop. I can’t take this anymore, please stop ……
唐：Ohoh ……
至：Damn you, you … I’ve said I can’t take this anymore. Don’t disturb or I’ll kill you.
唐： Monkey King, you can kill me. Life and death are very minor（近义词反义词）. When you know why you should make sacrifices, you will come back and sing this song with me. Namonitabhaya …
(至跑走)
Aside: The Monkey King succeeds in escaping form the Bull King, and he reaches the Spiders’ Cave with the Grapes. Unfortunately, the Monkey King and his friends meet the Queen of Spider.
The Monkey have heard that if the blade slashed fast and accurately, the guy who’s cut open won’t die at once. He can still see. So he asks the Queen of the Spider to kill him as fast as she could and to tear his heart out and let him have a look.
[slAF]：v. 猛砍, 鞭打, 砍伤,
After the Monkey King’s death, he appears in the Hole of Waterfall …
Chapter 4 Site: The Hole of Waterfall
Characters: 至尊宝、观音
至：Goddess. I’m about to understand your words. I used my eyes to see in the past. What I was dying. I started using my heart to see this world. Then I could see all things clearly. That girl …has left a drop of tear in my heart. I felt her sorrow.
观：Have you given up all things in human world?
至：Yes! Life and death is just minor! …… But I don’t understand why can human’s hatred last 10 years, 50 years, and even 500 years. What hatred is it?
观：So that Tang Monk went to the west and got scriptures, which clean out hearts.
至：OK, I want to stay here, there are many things waiting for me to do.
观：I want to warn you again. After wearing the gold ring, you’re no longer a normal human. You can’t have human desires anymore. If you do so, the gold ring will get smaller and smaller. It’s very uncomfortable.
至：OK.
观：Before wearing the ring, what do you want to say?
至：I had had found my best love, but I didn’t treasure her. When I lost her, I regret. It’s the most pain in the world. If God can give me another chance, I will say there words to her “I love you”! If there is a time limit, I hope, it is 10 thousand years!