留学essay谈谈

时间：2024.4.9

留学essay谈谈

根据英国专业论文写作机构 – 留学论文宝的分析总结，每年9,10月是收获时节，面临着毕业的英国留学生，最头痛的一件事情就是dissertation写作。在动笔之前，你需要清楚的定位你的毕业论文属于哪种类型: Theoretical OR Empirical；当然，在英国，大多数学生会以empirically focused dissertation为主来写作：即建立在理论基础上，然后再结合实际调查得出新的结论。以下是由留学论文宝服务老师针对大多数学生都会用的empirically focused dissertation结构进行总结：

1.Title: 标题是你的毕业论文内容的总概括，通过title就可大概知道你的论文方向。

2.Index: 目录部份，说明你的文章结构分部及对应页码。

3.Executive summary: 为概要内容，一般控制在200字左右最好。

4.Introduction：引言字数在300-500字左右，占整篇文章内容比例5%。说明整篇文章的核心内容，方向定位最重要的一部分，此处可以提出文章调查的question。

5.Research background：文章的背景描述，200-400字左右 5%的总文章占比。

6.Literature Review: 3000字左右，40%占比幅度，这里面，这部份主要展开前人如何做research的，可以把握某一个领域或研究方向，当中可以引用2-3个和你文章类似的research,并作辩证。

7.Methodology: 1500字左右10%的整篇文章的占比.讲的是文章的研究方法，主要是看你选择quantitative的还是用qualitative的方法，重点是你能论述得有道理，并有客观而公正的结果。

8.Analysis: 4000字左右,占整篇文章比例为25%.主要是论述research有什么发现？这个发现是否有所补充还是仅仅只是一个新的发现？

9.Conclusion：500字左右。这部份是总结你的论文，文章占比10%。 9.Recommodation：300字左右， 5%，文章中，建议的内容即：文章中一些research以后可以朝哪个方向发展，切勿提出新的从未在文章讨论的观点。

10.References：参考文献部份。即你文章里面用到的任何资料都要备注清楚。这点对于新生特别需要注意的。

如果你正在为dissertation而烦恼，也不知道现在自己写的文章是不是更加符合毕业论文的规范要求，那么，上面的几点就可以给到你最好的参考，如果有对任何文书的指导需求都可以免费咨询留学论文宝的在线顾问。

第二篇：留学ESSAY College Essay

? College Essay - Business Program Application:

Sample Work

When evaluating the quality of EssayEdge's edits, please bear in mind the quality of the original version to understand the dramatic improvement made to the essay.

Praise

The below edit and critique earned this comment from the customer:

Hi... my name is XXX and I have used your services four times during the process of applying to XXX as an undergraduate business major. I am pleased to say that I was successfully

admitted based on a strong appeal. I want to thank you VERY much for all the hard work that your staff put into helping me reach this very important goal in my life. I am the first in my family to go to college and I feel very fortunate to have had the assistance and support that

EssayEdge's services have provided to me. In many ways, I feel indebted beyond the scope of payment for services rendered. The editing process not only helped me to gain admission, but it vastly improved the way in which I saw my own writing abilities. I feel my communication has been much clearer through the process of your staff's editing assistance, which will serve me well into the future. Again, I feel very fortunate to have had the opportunity to engage in this unique business and please let me know how I can be of any help to your staff. I will absolutely recommend this site to people in my circle both at my community college and at XXX, that is a guarantee.

Unedited Version:

Unedited version will contain poor writing and uncorrected typos. To view the edited version and critique, please .

Question: With on-line transactions being performed with ever-increasing frequency, hundreds of Web sites collect “personal” information about their customers on a daily basis. Do

companies have an obligation to protect the privacy of their customers, or, conversely, do they have the right to collect and disperse consumer information at their own discretion? Should on-line privacy be regulated by governmental mandate, or is consumer protection the responsibility of the corporations and/or their customers?

Given the Internet?s borderless nature, many e-commerce companies are facing

inconsistencies in the marketplace when is comes to regulations over online consumer

privacy. Over the past decade, numerous surveys have been conducted internationally only to have found consistent and majority concerns about consumer online privacy. For example, Westin (1998) found that 81% of Internet users are concerned about threats to their privacy while online. While a more recent survey, by the Federal Trade Commission, of major e-commerce sites found that roughly 20% met FTC standards for protecting consumer

privacy. The issue of online privacy seemed to reach peak levels when the European Union

expressed deep concern last year that the U.S. standards of securing online privacy was too low. While the single-issue privacy concerns may be posting of privacy policies, freedom of consumers to limit use of their personal data, or the secure handling of all information given voluntarily or through the use of ?cookies,? the issue of online privacy is crucial to the

development of the e-commerce industry. The Clinton administration has long been strongly advocated a laissez-faire approach despite a tough new European Union privacy directive that has threatened to disrupt electronic commerce between the United States and

Europe. Although Clinton stated in a commencement speech at Eastern Michigan University last May, “We can?t let breakthroughs in technology break down the walls of privacy. We must be able to enjoy the benefits of technology without sacrificing our privacy.” Many online marketers have endorsed self-regulation, citing that federal intervention could ruin

e-commerce entirely. In the effort of scrutinizing the existing ?self-regulation,? it is clear that the consumer?s groups and government are still weary of most of the privacy statements of major Internet companies mainly because they are contradictory, hard to find, and subject to change which is deficient of any mechanisms of enforcement or redress by law.

A major concern of the e-commerce industry is that the difference of a normal company and an e-commerce one is the personalization that comes from knowing more about a user?s needs and wants. The industry?s response to the threat of consumer uprise and government regulation has been significant in the efforts of the bigger corporations. Groups such as CPEX, Customer Profile Exchange, created a coalition of Internet companies that will try to assure privacy advocates and consumers that they will protect the information consumers share and companies exchange. Corporations such as Microsoft, AOL, AT&T, Dell computer, and Time Warner proposed model international rules designed to make Internet shopping more secure. Last year, the Better Business Bureau launched its new program for certifying and monitoring the collection of personal data online, which was a substantial attempt to link the go between consumer?s privacy interests and business?s practices. The program gives qualified companies an electronic seal for their Website, which verifies that they adhere to their stated practices about what information they collect from consumers and how it is used. The first company to display to the BBB seal was Dell Computer. Among other industry attempts to deal with the privacy issue was the development of software products that help consumers evaluate the privacy policies of individual websites. For example, YOUpowered ? not only helps consumers evaluate the privacy policies of individual websites but also gives an individual the option of sharing the information or not. However, all of these industry

accomplishments could prevent a company called DoubleClick from acquiring Abacus Direct in November of 1999. Abacus is one of the country?s largest catalog databases companies and in the purchase, it was revealed that for the first time, an Internet advertiser could match names along with other personal info to be anonymously collected online. The stock market was quick to praise this financial move as such information would become extremely valuable to companies that wanted to pitch their products to an individual within a short amount of time. After the FTC began to investigate the company?s practices, the stock price fell

immensely as investors speculated whether the government would become more intrusive than before.

On May 22, 2000, three of the five FTC commissioners favored new laws to protect

consumer?s privacy online. While the FTC has recognized that the majority of large businesses have been getting the message of consumers and government interest, there are many more problems that arise with the inconsistencies of the smaller companies, and the overall

distribution and sale of personal information to third parties. While widespread inconsistencies such as DoubleClick?s acquisition of Abacus are very hard to ignore, many smaller and struggling Internet companies could find it detrimental to their success to comply with new rules. Despite all of the industry?s attempts to self-regulate the consumer privacy issue, much of their findings are based upon the failure of sites to give consumers access to information that is collected about them. Both minor and major e-commerce companies have not entirely accepted this recommendation, in part because it is difficult and costly to

implement. Consumer advocates have also expressed dissatisfaction for those companies where, in companies that state their statements of ?Privacy policies,? that the language of these cautions as ambiguous and confusing. For those that are also clear, the warnings and instructions are not standardized.

Clearly, we need laws that regulate the truth in Internet communications between consumer and e-commerce without threatening or intruding on the rising e-commerce domains. In writing such laws, they need to balance both the First and Fourth amendment, the right of people to “be secure in their persons, houses, papers and effects,” against the rights of corporate free speech. On one hand, I believe that if what a consumer has told about

themselves has a market value beyond the immediate web transaction, then he/she deserves be explicitly aware of those intentions and can therefore opt-in or opt-out with sharing of their information to protect their individual privacy. On the other, I believe that it is also in the interest of the government to respect the newness and entrepreneurial visions of the

e-commerce companies as they make their way into the new millennium. Overall, If the public continues to look to e-commerce as suspicious of false or misleading privacy issues, in the form of cookies or the sale of personal information to third parties, then the entire business of Internet advertising might be forced to change on it?s own. By that time, the industry would take on the effect of doing ?too little, too late.? Much effort would have to be made in order to reestablish and secure the privacy interests of the public. It is far better to have a long-term standardization of privacy policies mandated by the government that will respect the integrity of the free markets while securing the public?s concern for their privacy, in order to prevent any more disasters or compromising situations to occur in the future. By requiring the industry as a whole to have clear and standardized privacy policies, as adopted by the FTC, the reduction in conflict will provide much needed space and resolution for the rest of the millennium to flourish with innovative e-commerce business and personal products.

Critique for the Edited Version.

XXX,

You have written a strong and detailed essay with many interesting points, and have

structured your argument well. The essay?s major flaws were its length and some scattered grammatical and stylistic problems. We cut the essay to the required 1000 words, removing about 200 words. In order to make your essay more smooth and compelling, we significantly revised much of the content; we made sure, however, to allow your own ideas and voice to remain intact.

Your own vocabulary is strong, and your words well-chosen, yet we tried to broaden your diction and use more suitable words wherever possible. We also removed portions of sentences if we thought they were unnecessary or that they cluttered your ideas. On the other hand, we inserted some phrases and even entire statements to clarify your thoughts. Since you expressed dissatisfaction with your thesis and conclusion, you will find that we made some changes there (although we felt the conclusion was relatively fine). Awkward sentences were revised, and we varied your sentence structure to keep the reader interested in the writing.

There was a segment of the essay that concerned us. You state “These industry

developments could prevent a company called DoubleClick from acquiring Abacus Direct, one of the country?s largest catalog database services, in November of 1999. This acquisition would, for the first time, allow an Internet advertiser to match actual names with other personal information that is ?anonymously? collected online.” Did this transaction indeed take place in 1999? At a later point in the essay, you refer to it again as though it did take place? Yet this quoted segment is confusing. If the transaction did NOT take place, you should rewrite it as follows: “These industry developments prevented a company called DoubleClick from

acquiring Abacus Direct, one of the country?s largest catalog database services, in November of 1999. This acquisition would have allowed, for the first time, an Internet advertiser to match actual names with other personal information that is ?anonymously? collected online.” Please bear in mind that we have a bias to change things rather than to leave them the same. You should read the revised essay carefully and choose the changes that best suit you. We hope you continue to use our professional editing services, and we wish you the best of luck in your application process.

Edited Essay:

EssayEdge significantly improves each essay using the same voice as the author. The only way to evaluate editing is to compare the original essay with the edited version. We significantly improve essays both for clients who write poorly and for clients who write exceptionally well.

Given the Internet?s borderless nature, many e-commerce companies find themselves facing inconsistencies in the marketplace regarding consumer privacy regulations. In the past

decade, numerous surveys throughout the world have found widespread privacy concerns among consumers. For example, Westin (1998) found that 81% of Internet users express apprehension about entering personal data online. Moreover, a recent survey by the Federal Trade Commission revealed that only approximately 20% of major e-commerce sites met FTC standards for protecting consumer privacy. This issue seemed to reach peak levels when the European Union expressed deep concern last year that the U.S. standards of securing online privacy were too low.

The issue of online privacy, whether it concerns the posting of privacy policies, the freedom of consumers to limit use of their personal data, or the secure handling of all information given voluntarily or through the use of ?cookies,” is crucial to the development of the e-commerce industry. The Clinton administration has long been a strong advocate of a laissez-faire approach, despite a stringent new European Union privacy directive that threatens to disrupt electronic commerce between the United States and Europe. Clinton did, however, state in a commencement speech at Eastern Michigan University last May, “We can?t let breakthroughs in technology break down the walls of privacy. We must be able to enjoy the benefits of technology without sacrificing our privacy.” Many online marketers endorse self-regulation, citing that federal intervention could ruin e-commerce entirely. Yet close examination of the existing ?self-regulation? reveals that consumer groups and the government are wary of most online privacy statements, mainly because they are contradictory, hard to find, and subject to change, which weakens mechanisms of enforcement or redress by the law. If protecting consumers is to be a priority among online merchants, significant, industry-wide change must take place in their privacy policies.

The e-commerce industry maintains that the difference between a normal company and an online one is the personalization that comes from knowing more about a user?s needs and wants. The larger e-commerce corporations have indeed responded to customer and

government concerns. Groups such as Customer Profile Exchange (CPEX) have created a coalition of Internet companies that promise to protect the information that consumers share and companies exchange. Corporations such as Microsoft, AOL, AT&T, Dell Computer, and Time Warner have proposed model international rules designed to make Internet shopping more secure.

Last year, the Better Business Bureau launched its new program for certifying and monitoring the collection of personal data online. The program gives qualified companies an electronic seal for their Website, which verifies that they adhere to their stated practices about what

information they collect from consumers and how it is used. The first company to display the BBB seal was Dell Computer. Another industry attempt to heighten security was the development of software products that help consumers evaluate the privacy policies of individual websites. For example, YOUpowered ? aids consumers in evaluating privacy policies while giving each individual the option of sharing the information or not.

These industry developments could prevent a company called DoubleClick from acquiring Abacus Direct, one of the country?s largest catalog database services, in November of 1999. This acquisition would, for the first time, allow an Internet advertiser to match actual names

with other personal information that is ?anonymously? collected online. The stock market was quick to praise this financial move, for such information is extremely valuable to companies that want to pitch their products to an individual within a short amount of time. After the FTC began to investigate the company?s practices, its stock price fell as investors speculated that the government would become increasingly intrusive on business privacy issues. On May 22, 2000, three of the five FTC commissioners favored new laws to protect

consumers? privacy online. While the FTC recognizes that most large businesses have begun catering to the privacy issue, many problems remain among smaller companies and the overall distribution and sale of personal information to third parties. While widespread inconsistencies such as DoubleClick?s acquisition of Abacus are difficult to ignore, many

smaller Internet companies could find it detrimental to their success to comply with new rules. Despite the industry?s attempts to self-regulate consumer privacy, much of their findings are based upon the failure of sites to give consumers access to information that is collected about them. Both minor and major e-commerce companies have not entirely accepted this recommendation, in part because it is difficult and costly to implement. Consumer

advocates have also expressed dissatisfaction with companies whose ?privacy policies? are ambiguous and confusing. Moreover, those that are clearer lack standardized warnings and instructions.

Clearly, we need laws that regulate security in Internet communications without threatening or intruding on the rising e-commerce domains. Such laws must balance both the First and Fourth amendments, the right of people to “be secure in their persons, houses, papers and effects,” against the rights of corporate free speech. I believe that if a consumer?s personal information has a market value beyond the immediate web transaction, then he/she deserves to be explicitly aware of and in control of the sharing of this information. On the other hand, it is also in the interest of the government to respect the newness and entrepreneurial visions of e-commerce companies in the new millennium. Internet advertisers must remember, however, that if the public continues to suspect e-commerce of false or misleading privacy issues in the form of cookies or the sale of personal information to third parties, any efforts that the industry takes to win back the public?s trust may be ?too little, too late.? It is far better to launch a long-term, government-mandated privacy policy than to stifle e-commerce with consumer privacy concerns. Government action would put consumers at ease and allow e-commerce to flourish with innovative business and personal products in the new millennium.

? College Essay - International Experience:

Sample Work

When evaluating the quality of EssayEdge's edits, please bear in mind the quality of the original version to understand the dramatic improvement made to the essay.

Praise

The below edit and critique earned this comment from the customer:

I am just writing to let you know how pleased I am with the editing work by XXX. I did not know that my essay could be revised to sound this good. I was completely amazed when I received it, and I could not stop smiling! Thank you for being so attentive to details with a long essay like this. I really appreciated how you added in or took out sentences to make my essay flow better. Thank you so so much. I am hoping that EssayEdge can help me with another essay that I am working on. Thanks, again.

Unedited Version:

Unedited version will contain poor writing and uncorrected typos. To view the edited version and critique, please .

I was at the doorway of a 747 being ushered in by a stewardess to my seat. The chatting of people, seat belts clicking, and the overhead baggage made me dizzy, “NO” I was in shock. I sank into my seat and visions of the recent family decisions overtook me. I could not believe or understand the major decision was to relocate to India due to my Dad?s job.

Of course, there were grandma, uncles, aunts, and cousins, and there was that time when I visited with my family. My mind was puzzled and thoughts of leaving my suburban home, friends, and school soon welled my eyes and all I could do was cry silently.

The flight was uneventful and after what seemed to be an eternity my mom, brother, and I were comfortably settled in grandma?s home soon to be followed by my Dad. Although it was a sad time for me I saw and felt happiness all around me. My relatives were so enthused and began scheduling visits with realtors, and schools. There were days of shopping on the

crowded streets with cars, bicycles, scooters, lorries, and bull-a- carts all striving for space to move in different directions. Amidst all this it dawned on me that I must make the best of the situation. I followed suit on a weekly occasion battled my frustrations with heated discussions with my mom. There was daily telephone calls- my dad keeping us abreast of all the happenings especially the sale of our house.

The rattling sound of the fan, the music of the mosquitoes, and the occasional thunderstorms made the best grounds for all the beautiful memories that vividly haunted me each night. My mom?s soothing tone that related experiences and possibilities of a move taught me to be patient and deal with the situation. Her voice stays clear in my mind and my heart, “it would teach me to appreciate all of life, it?s culture, make me a mature person, and that I will never regret the move and it?s experience.”

Pacing a muddy dirt road, with rain and a cold wind was all worth it when I saw Dad pushing his cart and waving toward me. The smile on his face made me promise, “I would do anything for my Dad” as he would never do anything to jeopardize my life. So our home was sold and our belongings in a storage. Finally, we were a united family though 10,000 miles from what I knew was home and we made Grandma?s home our temporary home.

Soon telephone calls began between India, New York, and London. Oh Yes! Dad heard that the job in India was stricken due to company issues and instead he must go to London. My eyes began to twinkle, yes; London would be easier to live than India. My feelings were short lived and my heart was heavy, there was sudden sadness among members of the family

especially grandma, and Mom. Once again Mom put up a brave front and said, “ we shall go anywhere, it will be a new experience for us.” There was hugging, crying, paying salutations to all the elders, and familiar sounds of clicking seat belts and the sight of puffy white clouds. The gray skies, cool breeze and orderly traffic assured me that I could handle this

life. Hearing the British accent made me tingle all over, similarities and differences were running amuck with questions popping up especially of school.

A pair of neatly pressed gray slacks, a striped burgundy shirt: highly polished burgundy

colored shoes took me to the American School in the heart of London. I caught sight of the leaf covered basketball court while entering the school. Trophies adorned the lobby both academics and sports thrived hand in hand. The small school seemed to function similar to my old school. I gathered all the information and was ready to take the new plunge.

The cold London air felt good and cleared my head to some degree. Once again, I decided to make the best of it and hit the town. I felt like a tour guide dragging my family to the Buckingham Palace, were I was not able to get a glance of the Queen over reams of

heads. A sudden sound of the Marching Band made us turn our attention to their precision and beauty. The soldiers on horses, the deep waters of the Tames River, the pigeons in Trafalgar Square, the Big Ben, Hyde park, and the Shakespearean Theater were remarkable sights and I was a pure tourist and did not think of the bureaucracy that was involved in moving to a foreign country.

Soon paper work was to be exchanged, passports, visas, and formalities taken care of. In a few weeks, I would begin school in London. It was too good to be true, the final verdict arrived, visas would take three to six months, my Dad?s office situation was not suitable and he was told now that the move would be to Chicago or Atlanta.

Huddled on the bed in a London Hotel room, tempers flared, followed by questions,

frustrations, and sometimes feelings of adventure and wonderment. “What is going

on?” “What should we do?” The next things I know our passports were being stamped with a familiar voice talking about the New York Yankees. My body was limp and refused to be excited or perhaps it was relaxed with the thought of being in New York.

The sweat on my eyebrows, my sticky hands, the humid air, the scorching August temperature felt exuberating and my heart began to thump-YES! I was home. Taxis honked, herds of

people went about their business, only standing room in the subways, Ah the New York accent, I took it all in and never wanted to lose it again. I surely identified myself as a true New

Yorker. All this quickly ended when we were on our flight to the Windy City and then to Dixie Land.

The clean tree lined streets, the summer air led us to house hunt in the suburbs of Chicago and decide on schools after an abundance of research. Another plane ride and we were in Atlanta and I was now numb from traveling and my mind a blank.

After a short and restless night?s sleep I found myself in front of the mirror fixing my scrunched up collar for another school visit. I had ample of school information to spin me around the globe. Somehow, all this came to a pleasant halt, at my Dad?s friend?s home. The smiles, the welcomes, the sounds of laughter, willingness to put us up, the simple humbleness and respect was our decision-makers. The Big jigsaw Puzzle of our lives was completed. We would make our new home in Dixie Land. Dad had a smooth transfer and continued with his job with the same standings as in New York. I would be a junior at Pope High School in Marietta, GA.

The foyer was bright, the sun made the crystal on the chandelier reflect on the walls. The sight of the blue sky with the sight of occasional birds flying; the crispness of an almost new house became our new HOME. We began our new lives and it continues without and inkling of any regret.

Critique for the Edited Version.

Hi XXX,

Your essay stands out for its unusual subject matter, for the ample strength and adaptability of your family, and for its happy ending. That said, there are a number of problems. For example: as written, the essay doesn?t give the reader the payoff that might be

expected. Specifically, how did the summer change you? What did you gain from your experiences? We drew some general conclusions in our edit, but ultimately these are

elements that you alone can insert into the essay to strengthen the impact of the piece. There were also some details that were cleaned up, such as run-on sentences and grammatical errors. We varied the sentence structure, and the arc of the essay was altered to add some drama and suspense to your tale of world travel.

Some loose ends still need to be taken care of. For example, did you live in New York State before you moved to India? From your comments about returning to New York, it appears so, but it?s never stated outright. You ought to make reference to the place you left behind when you began your journey. Also, it seems like you?re straining to make a connection to New York City, in order to imply that you?d be happiest at a school like XXX. If you?d like to make this point, the end of the essay might lend itself to this purpose. Please read over the edited ending, and see if you want to insert a XXX reference here.

We hope you continue to use our professional editing services, and we wish you the best of luck in your application process.

EssayEdge Editor

Edited Essay:

I stood at the doorway of the 747 jumbo jet, unsure that I even wanted to enter. As I was ushered to my seat, I was aware of people chatting, seat belts clicking, and flight attendants closing the overhead luggage compartments. The scene made me dizzy. In a state of semi-shock, I slumped into my seat. As I stared out the window, visions of recent events overtook me. My life was changing in ways I could not understand, much less accept. The only thing I knew for certain was that my life as I knew it had ended, and I was embarking on a radically new course. My family and I were off to India.

We were moving because my father?s employer had relocated him there. Although India was somewhat familiar to me, I felt a deep sadness at leaving the place I had grown to call

home. Even with my grandma, uncles, aunts, and cousins waiting to welcome us, my heart felt empty. My mind buzzed with thoughts of leaving my suburban home, friends and school. My eyes welled up and a stream of tears fell silently down my face.

After an uneventful flight, we made our way to my grandmother?s house. Although I was in pain, I tried to help my mom and brother get set up at our temporary home. We were soon to be followed by my Dad. Through my haze of sadness, I tried to absorb some of the joy radiated by the people that surrounded me. I noted the enthusiasm of my relatives as they scheduled visits with realtors and took trips to scout out the local schools. We spent days shopping on narrow streets crowded with cars, bicycles, scooters and bull-a-carts, each trying to inch through the pandemonium. As I became more involved with the day-to-day work of

establishing a life in India, it dawned on me that I ought to make the best of the situation. I sought to help my relatives where I could, and they appreciated the effort. [Insert here how you helped your relatives. Be a little more specific with an additional phrase or sentence.]

Throughout our transition there were daily telephone calls with my dad to keep us abreast of all the happenings back in the United States, especially regarding the sale of our house. The rattling of the fan, the music of the mosquitoes, and the evenings? powerful thunderstorms became vividly etched in my memory. Through it all, I remember my mom's soothing tone as she urged me not to pine for home, but to strive to learn from the experience, no matter how difficult it might seem. Her voice is clear in my mind and my heart: "It will teach you to

appreciate all of life, its culture, people and landscapes. It will make you a more mature person, and you will never regret the effort that you make."

Pacing a muddy road a few weeks later, in a steady rain and a cold wind, I saw my father for the first time in months. He looked up from the cart he was pushing and waved toward

me. The smile on his face made me realize that I would do anything for my dad, for he would only do what was in my best interest. We embraced, and hurried inside my grandma?s house.

Finally, it hit me that our house had been sold; our possessions were in storage, and 10,000 miles from my homeland, our family was finally reunited.

Our newfound equilibrium was soon struck a disheartening blow. Telephone calls between India, New York, and London became more frequent and more prolonged. Because of

corporate concerns, my father learned that he would soon be sent to London. The family was visibly discouraged that we would have to uproot yet again. Mom put up a brave front and said, “We shall go anywhere; it will be a new experience for us." Privately, my eyes began to twinkle, for I felt that London would be easier to live in than India. There was hugging, crying, paying salutations to the elders, and once again the familiar sound of clicking seat belts and the sight of puffy white clouds.

When we touched down at Heathrow, the gray skies and cool breeze felt like home to

me. Gone were the sticky, dusty roads of India, replaced by a refreshing chill and the orderly hum of traffic. A pair of neatly pressed gray slacks, a striped burgundy shirt and highly

polished burgundy-colored shoes took me to the American School in the heart of London. I registered for the fall, and decided that the family ought to hit the town. I felt like a tour guide dragging my family to Buckingham Palace, where we were unable to catch a glimpse of the Queen over the sea of people. We watched as a precision marching band played and

marched in beautiful formation for the assembled crowd. That day, we saw the deep waters of the Thames River, the pigeons in Trafalgar Square, Big Ben and Hyde Park. Soon

paperwork was exchanged, passports, visas, and formalities taken care of. In a few weeks I would begin school in London. I was confident that I could make a decent life for myself here. After the heartache of India, it seemed that things were finally working out.

All of that soon changed. My father?s company told him that due to structural changes in the company, he would have to be moved to Chicago or Atlanta. Huddled on the bed in a London Hotel room, tempers flared. There were questions: "What is going on?" and "What should we do?" The next thing I knew, we were boarding a flight out of London, bound for the United States once more. Ironically, we stopped over in my former home state of New York en route to our final destination the city of Chicago.

We spent a couple of weeks house-hunting on the clean tree-lined streets of Chicago?s suburbs. Incredibly, once we had found a house we liked, we learned of my father?s fourth transfer, this time to Georgia.

Another plane ride and we were in Atlanta; I was now numb from traveling and my mind was blank. After a short and restless night's sleep I found myself in front of the mirror fixing my collar for yet another school visit. As it turned out, our globetrotting summer ended at the home of my father?s friend. His family?s smiles, their welcomes, and the sounds of laughter convinced me that we had arrived at the right place. We would make our new home in Dixie Land.

I entered school soon after as a junior at Pope High School in Marietta, Georgia. After my first day at school, I came home to our nearly new house. I stepped inside the bright foyer, where the afternoon sun was beaming through the crystal chandelier. I gazed through the windows at the deep blue sky, and watched as a bird flew past the house and settled in the maple tree out back. I realized that after all the trials and tribulations I had endured that summer, I had finally found my home in Georgia. My family and I had seen and experienced so much, and the strength and camaraderie we gained from facing adversity together inspires me to this day. My whirlwind summer taught me about the world around me, but in the end the biggest lesson I learned was about myself, that I have the strength and flexibility to make the most of any new situation.

? College Essay - A Good Essay Originally:

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Unedited Version (the "Before")

"Mike"

My mother, through her work with abused children has shown me the heroism of selfless dedication to a worthy cause. My playwrighting teacher in middle school became an inspiring male role model at a time when I needed one badly. My World History teacher in my freshman year of high school opened my eyes to the connections between our society's culture and our history.

Each one of these people has influenced me profoundly but I feel a certain distance from them: they are my elders. The person who I believe has influenced me most is one of the best friends I ever had, Mike. I feel that wherever I go, I will never be the same for having known him, and I think that is the most profound influence of all.

Mike came to my school in 7th grade. We immediately clicked. His arrival was like an epiphany for me. Not to say that I felt like an outcast, but until he arrived I did not have anyone my age to identify with completely. Mike came and made me feel confident in who I was. We both loved movies, to an obsessive extent, and we had a similar sense of humor. That was all it took. I would say halfway through that same year we became inseparable. In the yearbook, there was a list of the students in my class and what we were never seen without. Under Mike it said: Ted, and under Ted: Mike. I became a staple at his house and he at mine. It was assumed by both our parents that on weekends there would have to be a sleepover. On weekdays, we usually walked over to his house, which was near school, and hung out there till I had to go home. Our favorite past time on those afternoons after school was to walk to the nearby food mart and get a bag of chips and two 24 oz. Coca-Colas.

It was not all skips through the park. We were extremely competitive. We would get in brutal fights. I know it sounds pretty crazy, but I pulled a chunk of his hair out once. I cannot explain how I could have been so mad at him to do that, except to say that I think our connection was so intense that when we got mad at each other, or at least when I did, we got *really* mad. Not that it was all Wrestlemania either. The intensity of that connection was also a good thing. I was pretty shy about girls, and when I did talk about them with most guys, I would usually just say a girl was "hot". With Mike, I could talk honestly and say what I really felt about a girl. We dreamed of working together in the movies. Mike wanted to be a director and actor, and I wanted to be an actor and a playwright/screenwriter. It was the perfect combo. We even tried writing a few scripts together.

Then we went to separate high schools. We tried to maintain the friendship and you would think we would have been able to since we had been so close, but we drifted apart. Now we still go to movies occasionally and hang out, but it's not the same.

I thought Mike and I would be friends forever. Who knows, maybe we still will be. I mean, we have to make those movies together, right? But the way things look right now, I wonder how we would ever re-connect. I think that the first time we became friends was just magic, and the reason are having such a hard time getting that magic back is that it would be like lightning striking twice.

My playwrighting teacher from middle school left, but I handled it, because I learned a great deal from him. I will probably miss my parents when I leave for college, but I doubt the

separation will pain me deeply, for I know that the connection between my parents and I will

always be there. However, I doubt I will ever get over separating from Mike. Losing that kind of bond cuts deep, and I know it's the type of wound that doesn't heal.

But just because we're not friends anymore, it doesn't slight the times we had when we were friends. Those times are what influenced me so deeply. No, Mike did not work some lesson into my heart, he worked himself in there, and even if I never see the guy again he changed me forever. I think that finding someone who you truly connect with and feel that you were destined to meet, someone who you feel truly understands you and makes you feel special, I think meeting someone like that is one of the most profound experiences you can have. Edited Version (the "After")

"Mike"

Influence? Why is it that the people who influence us most influence us in ways that are not easily quantified? Through her work with abused children, my mother has shown me the heroism of selfless dedication to a worthy cause. By being an upstanding individual, my playwriting teacher in middle school acted as an inspiring male role model at a time when I needed one most. By being approachable and interesting, my World History teacher in my freshman year of high school opened my eyes to the connections between a society's culture and its history and broadened my view of cultures and the world. While these influences mean much to me and have contributed greatly to my development, they came too easily to mind. The fact that I could sit down and write a list of how these people influenced me suggests that the influence did not alter me in any profound way. These people are all my elders, and perhaps I feel distanced from them. The person whose influence shook me to the deepest level is a person whose influence is nearly impossible to describe. Mike, the best friend I?ve ever had, changed me, and I changed him at one of the most crucial times in our lives: the seventh grade. We developed our personalities, our senses of humor, and our love for girls at the same time and in the same manner. It would cheapen his influence to quantify it; I am what I am because of him; I cannot say that about anybody else.

Mike came to my school in the seventh grade, and we immediately clicked. Before he came, I didn?t feel like an outcast by any means, as I had my friends that I had known since first grade. However, until Mike, I never had anyone my age to identify with completely. Mike made me feel confident in who I was; he reaffirmed my drives and my thoughts and my inspirations. At this awkward stage in our lives, we found uncritical appreciation in each other. We both were obsessed by movies and shared a sense of humor. We had the same problems and the same thoughts. That was all it took.

Halfway through that same year, Mike and I became inseparable. In fact, our yearbook had a section that lists the names of students and what they were never seen without. Under Mike, it read: “Ted,” and under Ted: “Mike.” I became a staple at his house and he at mine. We no longer had to ask our parents if it was ok to have a sleepover on weekends, they assumed we would. On weekdays, we usually walked over to his house, which was near school, and hung

out there till I had to go home. Our favorite past time on those long afternoons after school was to walk to the nearby food mart and get a bag of chips and two 24 oz. Coca-Colas. Watching a movie, we would sit on his couch with our chips and Coke and talk about our dreams of

working together in the movies. Mike wanted to be a director and actor, and I wanted to be an actor and a playwright/screenwriter. It was the perfect combination. We even tried writing a few scripts together.

Of course, as two seventh grade boys, it wasn?t all skips through the park either. We were extremely competitive and would get into brutal fights for seemingly no reason at all. One time, I pulled out a chunk of his hair, but I don?t remember what started the fight. I think that our connection was so intense that we could not have normal emotions toward each other. As friends, we were best friends, but in an argument, we wanted to fight each other to the death. Still, the Wrestlemania days were rare; ordinarily, the intensity of that connection was a good thing. I was pretty shy about girls, and when I did talk about them with guys, I would usually just say a girl was "hot." With Mike, I could really talk about girls and who they were; with Mike, I didn?t have to put on my public “cool” fa?ade but could really say what I felt about a girl. Then we went to separate high schools. We tried to maintain the friendship, and you might think we would have been able to since we had been so close, but we drifted apart. Our friendship was based on being near each other constantly, on growing up in the same town, under the same conditions, with the same hopes, fears, and dreams. Now we still go to movies occasionally and hang out, but it's not the same, and we both know it. I thought Mike and I would be friends forever, and maybe we will be. I mean, we have to make those movies together, right? But the way things look right now, I doubt we will ever reconnect. Our friendship in the seventh grade was magical, and lightning doesn?t strike twice.

My playwriting teacher from middle school left, but I handled it. I learned a great deal from him, and I appreciate him for the subject he taught and the way that he taught it. I will probably miss my parents when I leave for college, but I doubt the separation will pain me deeply since the connection between parents and children will always be there. With Mike, I lost the best friend I ever had, and I lost that forever. Losing that kind of bond cuts deep, and I know it's the type of wound that doesn't heal. It?s the type of wound you just live with.

But just because we're not friends anymore, it doesn't slight the times we had when we were friends. Those times are what influenced me so deeply. No, Mike did not work some lesson into my heart, he worked himself into my heart, and even if I never see the guy again he changed me forever. I think that finding someone whom you truly connect with and feel that you were destined to meet, someone who you feel truly understands you and makes you feel special, I think meeting someone like that is one of the most profound experiences you can have.

? College Essay - "Excuse" Essay:

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Unedited Version (the "Before")

School Daze

I have to admit that I will not look fondly on my high school career. I spent most of my study time going out with my friends. I felt that I was paying my dues with the eight hours of boredom that began most of my days. Until now there were only a few classes that I enjoyed. In

retrospect, I believe that it was my inability to choose the classes I took which resulted in my lack of enthusiasm on the ride to school each morning.

I must also acknowledge my role in my transcript?s substandard showing. As my SAT and ACT scores indicate, I have the potential to achieve success in any field chosen. However, I have procrastinated and failed to apply myself to my studies. This year I have made and earnest effort to improve my work ethic. My grade point average is rising and my study habits are improving. I know that I can continue with this improvement.

I have often wondered what it would be like to experience the freedom of choosing my own class schedule. This has to be infinitely more stimulating and enjoyable. I am also aware that college will be significantly more challenging, but I have always found it easier to study for a class that interests me. I am willing to accept the fact that as long as I am in school, there will be required courses which may not engender excitement or enthusiasm; however, success should not be as difficult to achieve due to the maturity that is developing during this last year of high school. In addition, I have gained an understanding of the benefit of being well rounded. There is value in all classes taken. It helps to know that even my least favorite subject will contribute to the ultimate goal of personal and career development.

I will definitely enjoy the independence of campus life. The camaraderie, which will develop, should only add to the college experience. The courses will be challenging but I am willing to do what it takes to achieve my ultimate goal, which was alluded to earlier. The untapped potential is there. I would like to be given the opportunity to show what I can accomplish.

My GPA is low; about a 2.7. I have been to many different high schools. I have not been academically successful. However, I do fairly well on standardized tests ACT 30 and SAT M660 V640. I've been told by many teachers and counselors that I will probably do much better in college where I have a little more freedom to choose. Discipline has been a major problem with me. I guess I just want to let the colleges know that I do have the potential to do well and in spite of my lack of effort I have indeed learned so much over the years. I definitely see the wrongness of my ways and know I have limited my college choices because of this. Edited Version (the "After")

High school is a strange time. After three years of trying to develop identity and friends in

middle school, students are expected to mature immediately on the first day of ninth grade, but I never did this. I never fully realized in the earlier grades how important high school success, as measured by GPA, would be to my future life, and as a result I am applying to college with seemingly contradictory measures of my ability to perform college-level work. If I had worked and studied hard rather than hanging out with friends and viewing high school as an

opportunity to socialize, I would not have to apply to school with a 1300 SAT and a 2.7 GPA. Had I taken my grades in my earlier years seriously, I could have been a college's dream candidate.

This year I have made an earnest effort to improve my work ethic. My grade point average is rising and my study habits are improving. However, after performing poorly for three years, my GPA cannot reflect the transformation I underwent at the start of this year. Dedicated to

making something of myself, I finally matured and am now trying to lessen the consequences of my past actions. Armed with my new attitude and my understanding of the extreme

importance of earning good grades to signal my capacity to work responsibly, I assure you that I will never revert to the student I once was.

In retrospect, I believe that it was my inability to choose my classes that resulted in my lack of enthusiasm on the ride to school each morning. I enjoy the freedom to pursue my own interests and anxiously anticipate the ability to choose my own class schedule in college. While I understand that college will be significantly more challenging than high school, I have always found it easier to study for a class that interests me. I am also willing to accept the fact that as long as I am in school, I will be forced to take required courses that I might be less than enthusiastic about. However, with my new goal-oriented nature, I realize that I am working towards my college degree and my future success, and I have regained the drive to excel. Moreover, I now realize the emptiness in the lives of people who can only do one thing well. There is tremendous benefit in being well-rounded, and I now understand that even my least favorite subject will contribute to my ultimate goal of living a rewarding life while working at a fulfilling career.

I will definitely enjoy the independence of campus life. The camaraderie should only add to the college experience. The courses will be challenging, but I am willing to do whatever it takes to achieve my ultimate goal. I assure you that I have the potential. I am a changed man, hoping that my youthful immaturity will not have a lasting effect on my future success.

? College Essay - A Very Poor Original:

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Unedited Version:

Unedited version will contain poor writing and uncorrected typos. To view the edited version and critique, please .

If I were to counsel myself on what my career goals are, I would ask myself to frame my response around the question: What am I passionate about? In response to that question I would say that I am passionate about many things. I am passionate about international

business. I am passionate about owning my own business. I am passionate about my growth as an individual and as a leader. It is my passion that drives me to forge ahead. It is passion that will enable me to achieve my career goals. The greatest obstacle in achieving my career goals is making sure that I choose the right opportunities and avoid the wrong ones. Looking down the road, I see my self having created opportunities for me to act on these passions, having had a very full career.

Immediately after graduation my career goal would be to obtain a position in an international electronic commerce company. In this position I would seek to manage a project team and be responsible for all phases of project delivery as well as revenue recognition. Five years past graduation my goal would be to rise to the position of Vice President of an entire division. A secondary goal would be to start my own company. Ten years after graduation my career goal would be to become the president of my own company.

In attempting to determine what aspects of my personality of background that might be the greatest obstacles to achieving my career goals, I would say that there are none. My

philosophy is that there are no obstacles to great to over come. Every challenge that I have faced in my career I have met through the use of determination, guidance, thought, and

confidence in my abilities. I am not about to say that I am perfect, rather I am saying that I am confident that for every fault or deficiency I posses I can adapt and overcome.

Critique for the Edited Version.

Dear XXX,

You provided me with a solid foundation for a fuller essay. In your text you succeeded in answering each of the sub-questions, even if your replies were a bit on the abstract side. My main preoccupation was to flesh out the essay without losing the basic structure of the original. I paid particular attention to the introduction and conclusion. The original introduction was indeed passionate, but it sounded a bit too repetitive -- precisely because of the word

"passionate." By varying the vocabulary and sentence structure, I rendered the paragraph more interesting in terms of rhythm, without sacrificing any of the excitement, which you wrote into it.

I also modified how you address the question. There's no need to structure your answers to each sub-question by restating the question: you are better off showing some creativity, and at any rate it's far more impressive to have an essay where the main components (that is, the ideas) flow seamlessly one into the other. Rather than paraphrasing the question, it's better to have efficient transitions. So I worked on those as well.

Starting here, and throughout the essay, you will notice that I rephrased many sentences so that they include more action verbs and words. This is particularly effective when you are talking about your plans and aspirations. Instead of saying "I would like to," it's much more assertive to say "I plan to," or "I will." Likewise, "have a career," sounds far less confident than "build a career."

In the second and third paragraphs -- you will notice that I elaborated on your ideas to give the body of the essay fuller content. An essay with just three paragraphs looks extremely unbalanced. If you can think of more details you would like to add -- more about how your background and past experiences will contribute to your future success -- this is the place to do it.

Finally, I reworked the conclusion so as to highlight both your adaptability and your ability to take on challenges *and* learn from them. I rewrote the last sentence to make it more memorable -- it's better to end with a bang than merely peter out.

While this essay is significantly improved, it is still too abstract to be considered a good

admissions essay. More life details should be added to substantiate your claims. For example, why should the reader believe you are a persistent creative thinker? Do you have details from your life that can back these claims up?

Good job, and best of luck in the admissions process.

Best regards,

Edited Essay:

Question: What are your career goals (immediately after graduation, 5 years out, 10 years out?) Be your own career counselor. What aspects of your personality or background do you believe present the greatest obstacles to achieving those goals? What is your strategy for overcoming these obstacles?

In determining my career goals and aspirations, I must first know what stirs true passion in me. Professionally speaking, I know where my main interest lies: international business. I am, more specifically, determined to attain a series of goals leading to the ultimate objective of owning my own business. On the way, I will develop both as an individual and as a leader. I am a clear and strategic thinker, but it is passion that drives me to forge ahead. Likewise, it is my dedication that will enable me to surmount the greatest challenges in achieving my career goals: making sure that I choose the right opportunities and learn from my mistakes. Looking down the road, I see myself creating opportunities for myself and for others. I can think of no better way to build a full, satisfying career.

Immediately after graduation, I plan to accumulate experience by obtaining a position with an international electronic commerce company. Such a position will allow me to manage a project team and be responsible for all phases of project delivery as well as revenue recognition. Five years hence, I envision myself rising to the position of Vice President of an entire division, and drawing on that experience to start my own company.

Ten years after graduation, I hope to be the president of my own company. Like my other targets, this objective is ambitious, yet feasible. I have, over the course of my career,

developed an adaptability and concentration that allow me to set goals and attain them one by one, always with a clear vision of what overall direction I plan to follow. My keen interest in international business, combined with the broad experience I will have under my belt by then, will allow me to launch and shape a company with the analytical yet creative thinking required to thrive in today's dynamic marketplace.

In attempting to determine what aspects of my personality or background might present the greatest obstacles to achieving my career goals, I can think of no trait that my determination and dedication will not overcome.

Far from flinching from challenges, I embrace every opportunity to solve new kinds of

problems and thereby acquire new forms of knowledge and skills. I have faced every difficulty I have encountered in my career through determination, hard work, and confidence, and I have no doubt that these are the qualities that will permit me to blaze my own trail into the future.

? College Essay - International Student:

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Hello, my name is XXX and I have received your service. You guys did a great job! I cannot believe my eyes! It was well worth the money, thank you very much. I'm going to send more essays to your company!!! I'm Japanese and I'm telling my friends to use this great service! Again thank you very much.

Unedited Version:

Unedited version will contain poor writing and uncorrected typos. To view the edited version and critique, please .

Question: The decision to transfer is a significant and often difficult one to make. Please share with us your reasons for transferring to XXX, including when the idea first occurred to you, and how it developed, especially if you are returning to school after being away for a period of time.

I am applying to XXX because I feel that your school will best help me achieve my objectives of better understanding advertising/PR business. While I have been studying in the United States for two years, I realized that to success my academic goal is very important for me. As a high school student, I was very unprepared, and easy myself. I went to the college in Japan without having any doubt of my interests. I was interested in Media because I

belonged to the photography club for three years, and learned that visual image affect people by many ways. Although I knew that to study Media is not developed in Japan but developed in the United States, I never thought about studying in the United States at that time. To

decide what I wanted to study in college, I chose the International Relations because I had an ideal to be a cosmopolitan. While I studied the International Relations in Japan, I started

questioning me whether I really wanted to study this or not. I realized that I am not fulfilled my interests, and I decided to transfer from Japan to the United States to study Media.

Studying in the United States for the first half of a year was very tough. My language

limitations, cultural differences, and new environment affected my academic life. For the first year, I decided to focus on how I can get used to this new environment. I belonged to Glee Club, Campus Ministry, and AHANA. To belong these communities, I could find a lot of comfortable being myself. After this short period of hard time, I was ready for academic success. Taking photography class, and visual communication class arouse my interest in advertisement. When I got a lot of feedbacks from pictures I took, and the graphic images I made, I believed that the influence that the one image has is immeasurable. However, the more I want to study, the more I can see the limit to study here.

Since I have many friends that go to XXX, I have many opportunities to visit the campus. The more I visit, the more I love what it has to offer. Last summer I had an unforgettable experience at XXX. I lived on campus with a great roommate and I learned a lot in the

classroom. The professor was excellent and well prepared. The student I met were so nice and friendly. The students and professors served as a stimulus to me. I know that my English is not perfect but I am confident and know that I have been doing well at XXX.

I believe that XXX is the best place for me to satisfy my academic objectives. Your program seems ideal to me because of your complete range of courses offering a wide spectrum of field of study. I want to learn more about advertising/PR. I am particularly interested in the following courses: Visual Communication Theory; Advertising; Ad Copy and Layout; Public Relations. I am highly motivated and determined to successfully complete your program and I am certain that I will be able to contribute positively.

Critique for the Edited Version.

XXX,

Your essay was structurally solid, but your relative difficulty with the English language at times obscured the meaning of what you were trying to express. You managed to pack a lot of information into the word limit; my job, then, was to draw on this information in order to clarify your ideas by both refining your language and shoring up your arguments.

The major weak point was, no doubt, the concluding paragraph: it sounded like you were running out of steam. There, I worked to give the essay a more memorable ending.

Elsewhere, rather than make radical (and unnecessary) structural changes, I concentrated on refining your language, highlighting your most interesting ideas, and streamlining the logic of your arguments. Many of these changes are quite subtle, but they have a powerful impact on the overall flow of the text.

I rephrased passages that contained awkward English, eliminated words that seemed extraneous or repetitive, and in a couple of spots varied the vocabulary and the length of sentences.

I took notes on the more substantial changes, as well as certain passages that you might want to consider elaborating on (by paragraph):

RE:"As a high school student, I was very unprepared, and easy myself." The meaning of this sentence is not very clear. I rewrote the transitional portion of this paragraph.

In the original text, it was unclear until too late exactly where you had transferred to, so I moved up the mention of XXX.

What does AHANA stand for? You might want to write it out, and then include the acronym in parentheses.

In the revised version, the logic of the text is clearer, and your arguments are better structured -- without having sacrificed the persuasive tone and efficient analysis of your writing. Best luck with the transfer process.

Regards,

Edited Essay:

I am applying to XXX because the school possesses a combination of resources and an

environment that will help develop my understanding of both advertising and the business field of Public Relations. I have been studying in the United States for two years now, and during this period I have come to realize the importance of acquiring a solid academic foundation before entering the marketplace.

As a high school student, I was very unprepared to make long-term decisions of great

consequence. I entered college in Japan without questioning my interests. I had developed a

keen interest in Media over three years of activities with a photography club, and during that period I began to understand the many ways in which visual images affect people. I was aware that, even though Media studies in Japan were still not very developed, the field had become a sophisticated field of study in American universities -- yet it never occurred to me that I could venture across the Pacific to pursue my interests in the United States.

When the time came to pick a major, I chose International Relations, because I assumed the discipline would open up doors to a dynamic, cosmopolitan lifestyle. Yet I was never able to muster much enthusiasm for the field: my interest in Media had continued to grow, and I finally started questioning whether I really wanted to pursue a subject that did not grab my

attention. I felt that I was not fulfilling my real aspirations. Finally, realizing that I was willing to go far to pursue my real interest, I decided to transfer to XXX in the US, to study Media.

My first six months in the US were not easy. My language limitations, cultural differences, and new environment affected my academic life. I decided that, in order to progress academically, I first had to learn how to be comfortable and to adapt to my new surroundings. I joined the school's Glee Club, the Campus Ministry, and AHANA. By actively participating in these

communities, I finally felt comfortable being myself. My successful adaptation was reflected in my studies: I enrolled in classes in photography and visual communication, which nurtured my interest in advertisement.

After receiving much encouragement and very positive feedback on my photographs and

graphic projects, I felt more confident than ever in the power of images. Ironically, the more I wanted to study, the more I realized that the resources at XXX are very limited.

Since I have several friends attending XXX, I have had many opportunities to visit the

campus. From my visits I have realized that XXX has invaluable resources to offer -- not only in terms of academia, but also in terms of the overall learning environment. Last summer, in particular, I had an unforgettable experience at XXX. I lived on campus with a great roommate and studied under a professor who was always well prepared. Just as importantly, the

students I met there were both intellectually engaging and friendly. I felt stimulated in a way that I had never felt at XX, and the experience served to boost my confidence in my own abilities -- even in my English skills, which I am constantly working to improve.

I now know from personal experience that XXX is the best place for me to attain my academic objectives. The program's vast range of courses will allow me to develop a wide perspective of the field. Just browsing through the course catalog -- reading about courses such as Visual Communication Theory, Advertising, Ad Copy and Layout, and Public Relations -- makes me realize that, in order to keep up with such a dynamic fled, I must develop my knowledge and skills at several levels. To maximize my potential and contribute to the field with my full abilities, I would like to complement my unique background and determination with a rigorous academic program such as XXX's.

? College Essay - International Student:

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Unedited Version (the "Before")

I still remember vividly the day/ moment I was deliberately humiliated, threatened to be

slapped by a high school teacher in front of my classmates. As the president of my class, I was representative of and responsible for my own actions as well as those of my classmates. One of my duties had been to, while our teacher had left the room, list the names of everyone involved in discussions on the blackboard. After the return of my teacher, those students were to be punished, slapped in the face. I would do so, in order to retain everyone?s respect and quietness in the room. When another class?s teacher walked in, I tried to save my friends from his hard strokes and erased all the names. Now, I was to be punished.

Not only talking, but even asking questions in class was not allowed. Teachers as well as college professors perceive questioning as criticism toward their teaching abilities, but also prevents them from admitting lack of knowledge on certain issues. A Turkish school is not a place to ask questions, but to absorb knowledge from lectures and aged textbooks. Being the daughter of relatively liberal parents, I was encouraged to get involved in

discussions, which eventually made me understand that I could question any of the cultural guidelines. In contrast to the other Turkish females, I was determined enough to to leave the boundries of my culture, and defer from the traditional path of earning respectability as housewife and mother, exclusively. (Being a determined female, my goals did not go along with the religious and cultural guidelines of Turkish people.) I decided to sacrifice the company of my friends and family, in order to secure/build a successful future. I have always wanted to get the best education possible, and become a neurosurgeon.

Not only did the technological standards at even reputable Turkish universities not agree with that, but there were other factors, too. Political bloodshed is as much part of a students life as illegitimate and inadequate teaching standards.

Although, there are some attributes of Turkish culture that I prize such as being respectful to parents, to teachers, or to elderly, self disciplined in both religious and educational life,

believing in a religion that gives me confidence and the determination to achieve what I need to achieve. The respect, the communication skills, the smile and the optimism give a good basis to succeed in Western Culture. While it is extremely uncommon for Turkish women of any social class to defer from the traditional role of women, living in the United States I face fewer restrictions because of my gender. In addition, I can rely on better edicators, technoloy, with the prospect of better liing standarts. In the United States, I found myself having more opprtunities to speak out, to make decisions of my own, to be the best as I can be regardless of my gender. I prize my freedoms in this country very much that I would never dishonor them by not being active.

Although I am Turkish, much of my identity arouse out of a desire for freedoms that are available to Americans. Therefore, I believe my identity is not a result of either Turkish or American cultures but out of a personal desire for setting my own limits.

Edited Version (the "After")

Have you ever been slapped in front of all your high school classmates? Unfortunately, in the archaic, authoritarian Turkish schools, my high school teacher deliberately humiliated me by slapping me hard across the face. As the president of my class, one of my responsibilities was to list the names of everyone who talked when the teacher was not in the room on the blackboard. When the teacher returned, the teacher would slap the students who talked across the face. Ordinarily, I took my responsibility seriously and obediently wrote down my classmates' names to preserve the silence and decorum of the school environment. However, when a different teacher walked in, a teacher known to punish too hard and painfully, I decided to save my friends from his hard strokes, and I erased all the names. I had to take their punishment myself.

Yes, this practice will seem ridiculous and excessively harsh to American readers, but the incident typifies the stagnation and backwardness of Turkish schools. Not only is talking disallowed, asking questions in class is forbidden. Both high school teachers and college professors perceive questioning as criticism of their teaching abilities. Many teachers fear questioning since they may have to admit a lack of knowledge on certain issues. A Turkish school is not a place to ask questions; instead, it is a place to absorb knowledge from lectures and aged textbooks. However, I need more from my learning environment than senseless silence and minds afraid of questioning arbitrary rules and old theories.

As the daughter of relatively liberal parents, I was encouraged to become involved in

discussions, which led me to understand that questioning cultural guidelines is not inherently wrong but absolutely necessary. In contrast to other Turkish females, I refused to allow the

narrow boundaries of my society's cultural mores to force me to follow the traditional path of earning respectability exclusively as housewife and mother. Defying the religious and cultural guidelines of the bulk of the Turkish people, I decided to sacrifice the acceptance of my traditional female friends and the traditional parts of my family to build a successful future. Senseless laws will not push me down, as I am dedicated to achieving my goal of becoming a neurosurgeon.

However, not only would I have to struggle against archaic, male-dominated laws, I would also have to tolerate the low technological standards of Turkish universities, which do not have the resources to train excellent physicians in modern methods. Unfortunately, political bloodshed is also a fact of Turkish student life, and I hope to leave Turkey to pursue in the United States an excellent education, characterized by academic freedom and an absence of civil strife. While my personal identity is in many ways a reaction against Turkish culture, there are some attributes of Turkish culture that I have incorporated into my identity, like having respect for one's elders, having self-discipline in both religious and educational life, and believing in a religion that gives me the confidence and determination to achieve my goals. With these

personal qualities combined with my personal determination and my questioning nature, I am certain that I can find success in Western Culture. Moreover, because the United States has far fewer gender-based restrictions than Turkey and has a much better developed educational system equipped with state-of-the-art technology, I believe that the United States will give me the opportunity to achieve my full potential, to speak out against injustice, and to seek the truth.

? College Essay - A Poor Original:

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Question: Describe the qualities and accomplishments you would bring to the undergraduate students body at the University of California

I came to america to learn, study and understand the multycultural society of states. Although it was difficult for me to leave the familly behind at highschool age i came first to Canada where i learned french language very well and i graduated a frech high school there , then i moved to southern California , where i entered Orange Coast College,which although i had to work and study, i tried my best to go to a field which i feel would be in the future not only in terms of job and uportunities but also business in future will be more on global and international level which creates an atmosphere of friendship and direct relationship between different nations and make wold become smaller and friendly. Learning business in an international wellknown institution in USA which is now leader in technology and related business makes me more prepared to get to my goal which is friendship and relationship between different countries with different cultures by creating international business and enlarging it all over the world. My

father was a phd graduate from U.C.Berkley in 1973 in Engineering which was the same thing those days to develop underdeveloped countries such as Iran and since then by stablishing a U.S. style Engineering and construction company called "Tehran Berkley" in 1974 in Tehran , he has now helped that nation verymuch and executed over 300 large seale development projects such as dams , airports, oil & gas instalations , highways & tunnels , industrial complexes etc. I think in future leadership of such companies as my father's,that through difficult times of revolution , recession and ditrust between nations stood and kept its flag and name "Tehran Berkley" strongly as a sign of friendship between nation with different culture and now moves toward business relationship with other nations including United States. These companies such as my fathers need managers in business & international business and law to lead them to make this companys more effective in the next decades, bringing in friendship , understanding of different culture s & overall development in the world . I am devoted to go through this path , and i'm sure i can be successfull.

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Your essay holds the outline of a good work, but contains widespread grammatical and stylistic errors. In the future, you must maintain proper spelling and grammar, for any admissions board will have reservations about an applicant that has problems with these two areas. We therefore made significant and thorough alterations, bringing to it the elegance and

sophistication that will make you stand out from other applicants.

Our efforts focused on eliminating any grammatical or stylistic errors that detract from the flow of the essay. We broadened the vocabulary and made many changes to diction. We

eliminated passive voice wherever feasible. Awkward sentences were rewritten more smoothly to aid the continuous flow of the essay. We also varied your sentence structure to keep the reader interested in the writing. We endeavored, however, to maintain the emotional power that filled your initial essay.

We also added two extra paragraphs to the essay that did not previously exist, in order to better shape your thoughts, incorporate your interests, and attach a conclusion to the work. Mostly, we tried to add more impact to your words by "cleaning up" your writing style. The manner in which thoughts are expressed is quite as important as the actual ideas, and can make the difference between a mediocre essay and a superior one.

Please bear in mind that we have a bias to change things rather than to leave them the same. You should read the revised essay carefully and choose the changes that best suit you. Best of luck in your applications process,

Edited Essay

I came to America as a young girl to learn, study, and understand the diverse, multicultural society of the United States. It was very difficult for me to leave my family behind, for I was only of high-school age, but I realized the need to expand my boundaries and grasp new opportunities.

I went to Canada first, where I graduated from a French-speaking high school, learning that language quite well in the process. I then moved to southern California and entered Orange Coast College. Although I had to divide my attention between school and work, I tried to focus my efforts on paving a clear future for myself. I therefore sought a field that would open many doors in the years to come, both in terms of job opportunities and the growing need to

acknowledge the global aspect of business relations. Learning about the business world in an internationally known, academically superior institution in the United States has prepared me to achieve my goal, which is to foster friendly relationships between different countries by creating intercultural enterprises throughout the globe.

I feel proud to follow in the example of my father, who earned a Ph.D. in Engineering from U.C. Berkeley in 1973 and then turned his efforts toward the realm of international business. In 1974, he established a U.S.-style engineering and construction company called Tehran Berkeley in Tehran, Iran. His company's efforts contributed greatly to Iran's development, executing over 300 large-scale projects such as building dams, airports, oil and gas installations, highways, tunnels, industrial complexes, etc.

Through the tumultuous years of Iran's revolution, recession, and international paranoia, Tehran Berkeley kept its flag flying, proudly proclaiming the good that friendship between nations can bring. I remember contemplating the tremendous statement that my father's company made, wishing that I could help him in that noble effort. Companies such as my

father's need managers that are professionally trained in international business and law to lead them into the future, enabling them to make their corporations more effective in the decades to come. The friendship and cultural understanding that they represent are valuable issues that must be preserved. I wish to devote myself to this path, and know that I have the determination and multicultural background to bring positive growth to these businesses.

I feel that my past efforts have prepared me to enter the University of California and carve out this future for myself. In an effort to understand the many aspects of business, I have taken a plethora of courses from a variety of subjects, including high-level science and math classes. These courses have granted me a broadened sense of the technological issues that

accompany many types of business, especially the corporations that I chose to focus upon. I have also devoted much of my time to part-time employment during college, both because of financial needs and because of the many insights they have granted me into the vital world of customer relations.

But my efforts have not focused entirely on work and study. I feel a distinct pleasure in being part of a multicultural society in the United States, and have attempted to forge friendships with people from different racial and socioeconomic backgrounds. I find myself quite enriched by the process, for I can now appreciate others better, and allow myself to trust them with less reservation. This increased sense of community has allowed me to foster a sense of teamwork, and I take much pleasure in group-oriented sports. I love soccer, hockey, and water polo, for they allow me to interact with others toward a healthy and positive goal. I also deeply value music, and have spent many years developing guitar skills, reveling in the sense of peace and fulfillment that this musical expression grants me. Many of my friends laugh and ask me where I find the time to pursue so many activities along with my studies and employment, but I would not abandon a single one. In my opinion, success rests upon the ability to push oneself to her highest level, and I refuse to give less than one hundred percent of my effort to anything, be it class work or simple sports.

I look forward to the coming years with much anticipation, for I know that they will bring the realization of my dreams. I deeply value the life lessons I have learned from my friendships, my jobs, and my extracurricular activities, and am eager to apply this toward the academic lessons I will learn in the classroom. I feel that the University of California is ideal for my needs. Its diverse student body, educational excellence, and expert instructors will allow me to fully develop the skills that I need in order to excel. I will be honored to find a place among the scholars and future leaders that fill your institution.

? College Essay - "Changing World" Essay:

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How do you think the world will be different during the new millenium?

I do not see the new millenium as the beginning of a whole new world. I feel that the year 2000 has been used as a buzzword for everything that is right about changing technology and as a scapegoat for declining morality. In reality it is just another day. A day that will be what we make of it. I feel that the world is becoming a better place but it has nothing to do with this "magic number".

It is a well-known axiom, that knowledge is power. New technologies such as the Internet, cell phones, and satellite TV have succeeded in making the world smaller. Information that happens anywhere on the globe can be instantaneously known by all. This information can make you money in the stock market or be the lifeblood of the newspaper business. The important aspect is to be comfortable in our changing world and to recognize what

direction it is going. To attain these goals one must be educated. In the past computer literacy was a bonus to employers, now it is a requirement. Factory work and other blue-collar

professions are falling by the wayside and in its place are a new batch of technological position that are available. Sacred Heart seems to on the cutting edge of this new technology, even going so far as to require students to purchase a notebook computer. This is the type of thing that will give Sacred Heart students the advantage in the job market of the new millenium. Assuming that education is no longer a stumbling block and the average person is

knowledgeable of the new technologies, I believe we can look forward to many new

advancements to come. Already our everyday lives are changing with inventions like EZ-pass. This theory could be taken to the next level over the course of this new millenium. By the year 2100 all transactions should have an EZ-Pass lane for quicker and easier transactions.

Another easy way to transact business has emerged and it is internet shopping. This will only continue to grow during the new millenium. Companies like Amazon and CD Now are the pioneers and are already becoming household names similar to Kmart and Macys.

Aside from technological advancements we will hopefully see changes in our environment. As all forms and catalogs become available over the internet there will be less of a need to destroy trees to create paper. As online shopping becomes mainstream there will be less reasons to drive around town wasting gas and polluting the air.

In closing, although I do feel the world will be different, I do not see drastic changes ahead. I just see the continuation of a slow evolvement into a faster and more efficient society. Edited Version (the "After")

How do you think the world will be different during the new millenium?

The millennium will not usher in an entirely new world overnight. Just as Europe remained mired in the Dark Ages for centuries after the first millennium came and went, so will our society require many years to experience deep change, a change that transcends the

processor speed of the box on your desk. Contrary to predictions made in the year 1900, our cars do not fly in the year 2000, world hunger persists, and disease runs rampant. Humanity changed little in the last 100 years because humanity changes slowly. As we watch Discover Card sponsor Times Square 2000 and M&M's try to profit off their fortuitous name, we see that nothing has changed at all.

More than anything, the year 2000 has been used as a scapegoat for declining morality and as a buzzword glorifying the fast pace of technology, the stress of life, and the downsizing of unskilled labor. The next millennium will be what we make of it. While I believe the world is becoming a better place, there is also much to be concerned about; neither our problems nor our cures have anything to do with changing millenniums.

It is a well-known axiom that knowledge is power. New technologies like the Internet, cell phones, and satellite TV have succeeded in making the world smaller. Everyone immediately knows events that occur anywhere on the globe. This information can make you money in the stock market, be the lifeblood of the newspaper business, or provide necessary government information. By bringing people closer together and making countries and peoples

interdependent, technology may make war more costly and thus contribute to peace.

However, one must not watch the world change; one must change with it. As Bob Dylan sang: "Your old role is rapidly aging, please get out of the new one if you can't lend your hand, for the times they are a changin'." Technology is not a convenience; it does not make our lives less stressful or give us more free time. Initially, we might think this, but soon the technology that was once a convenience becomes a necessity. At one time computer literacy was a bonus to employees, now it is a requirement. At one time, email was a nice way of contacting long

distance friends; now it is an essential component of the modern workplace. Factory work and other blue-collar professions are falling by the wayside and in their places are armies of

technological positions. Sacred Heart is on the cutting edge of this new technology, even going so far as to require students to purchase a notebook computer. This is the type of thing that will give Sacred Heart students the advantage in the job market of the new millennium.

Assuming that education is no longer a stumbling block and that the average person can learn the new technologies, I believe we can look forward to many advancements in the future. Already our everyday lives are changing with inventions like EZ-pass. This theory could be taken to the next level over the course of this new millennium. By the year 2100 all

transactions should have an EZ-Pass lane for quicker and easier transactions. Companies like eWallet are already providing the EZ-Pass of the Internet to provide one-click shopping for everything. Ecommerce will only become more important in the next millennium as companies like Amazon and CDNow compete with giant retailers like Wal-Mart and Macys.

Aside from technological advancements, we will hopefully see changes in our environment. As all forms and catalogs become available over the Internet there will be less of a need to destroy trees to create paper. As online shopping becomes mainstream there will be less reasons to drive around town wasting gas and polluting the air. However, at the same time, there is less and less reason to see people or to interact with them in a real way. This is a

potentially dangerous consequence of our fascination with "virtual" shopping, chat, and surfing. While I see many positive changes that could occur in the next millennium, we should not expect utopia. What we will see is a slow evolvement into a faster and more efficient society.

? Business School Essay - International Experience:

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Questions:

1- Please discuss the factors, both professional and personal, influencing the career decisions you have made that, in turn, have led you to your current position. What are your career goals for the future, and why is now the appropriate time to pursue an MBA at XXX? How will you avail yourself of the resources at the XXX to achieve these goals? (3 pages or 1000 words) 2- Describe a personal achievement that has had a significant impact on your life. In addition to recounting this achievement, please analyze how the event has changed your

understanding of yourself and how you perceive the world around you. (3 pages or 1000 words)

3.Optional Essay

The Admissions Committee believes the required essay topics address issues that are important in understanding your candidacy for the MBA Program at XXX. If there are

extenuating circumstances or concerns affecting your application that you feel the Admissions Committee should be aware of, please elaborate here (e.g., your academic performance as an

accurate measure of your potential, unexplained gaps in your work experience) (3 pages or 1000 words)

1-PAST CAREER DEVELOPMENT AND FUTURE GOALS

Have you ever seen, heard of or witnessed any of the following things?

-- The surface of the sea littered with dead sheep.

-- A domestic waste landfill explosion leading to a number of deaths due to the resultant flood of waste?

-- Tea vendors offering radiation-contaminated tea for half-price?

-- A little girl?s death resulting from her fall through an open sewage manhole in her school garden?

-- Radioactive waste sold to unsuspecting scrap dealers, causing their deaths.

-- A twenty year-old tanker breaking into pieces, spilling hundreds of tons of crude oil and killing sea life.

Unfortunately, such environmental disasters have become common place in Turkey.

Concerned about such situations, and aware of the insensitivity of the authorities towards our environment and health, I sought to learn ways to prevent these types of disasters. At the age of fifteen, I decided to focus my studies on environmental sciences, in order to equip myself with the technical tools I would need to do just that.

I went on to earn a Master?s degree in environmental sciences, subsequently attending a professional international management certificate program in order to gain management perspective.

In order to make use of my technical knowledge and management skills in an effective way, I was aware of the fact that I should start working in a large company that would in turn would provide me insight experience from various industries and the international business arena. I have now worked in the energy and environment group of Koc Holding headquarters, the first and biggest diversified conglomerate, for nearly two years as a project engineer, mainly responsible for environment and energy sector investments of our holding companies.

This work position gave me an opportunity to interact with businessmen from all over the world which expanded my international perspective. Working with American partners and English consultants, I gleaned the subtle meaning of being a professional. Though it was unusual for a young associate to be a representative for my company at such events, I am proud to say that my outstanding work performance allowed me to seize the opportunity to attend various

meetings with local and international governmental bodies such as OPIC, IFC and the World Bank that increased my self-confidence and improved my management skills.

While working in various business lines, such as automotive industry, consumer durables and energy sector, I have realized that the root cause of many environmental problems is financial. I believe that many people in the environmental sector are so ignorant or insensitive that they will cheat customers to increase profits. Furthermore, businesses do not prioritize

environmental investments and, as a result, insufficient funds are allocated to adequately prevent problems. For instance, with a population over eight million people, Istanbul, the biggest city in Turkey does not have a properly operating sewage system, and in most of the areas waste water is discharged directly to Bosphorus.

Ultimately, I am interested in helping to solve my country's problems by starting my own environmental services business in Turkey, serving both local and international customers giving cost effective and appropriate solutions differing from waste management to safety management.

WHY MBA AND XXX SCHOOL?

Despite my experience, I still lack some important knowledge and management

experiences/skills, especially in finance, marketing and entrepreneurship. I also miss important knowledge of American environment. It is essential that I master these skills since dealing with aspects of international business will be an integral part of my job as an entrepreneur. The XXX School?s MBA program is the bridge where I am and where I want to be.

The inventiveness and uniqueness of the XXX School?s both entrepreneurial and finance programs impressed me. I believe that I will increase my practical knowledge of

entrepreneurship from interacting with my XXX School classmates. I value the fact that at the XXX School, entrepreneurial education does not stop at the classroom but continues through internships and extracurricular activities. I feel that a business school for entrepreneurs should balance a dose of theory with real-world application. The XXX School?s curriculum and hands-on experiences through associations, internships and the management field study provide this balance, as demonstrated by the variety and success of its alumni.

I am also drawn to XXX School because of its emphasis on teamwork and technology. XXX School?s MBA program proposes such exciting courses and programs as High Technology Entrepreneurship, International Finance,12-week field application projects, global immersion program directed to teach thinking and acting globally.

Further, the XXX School's flexible entrepreneurial program allows students to choose electives from 200 courses that will allow me to tailor my course of study directly to my career interests. After a long search I found in XXX a top quality business school, able to provide me with the opportunities to gain the knowledge I need for my future in addition to putting me in contact

with a diverse student environment and ensure my perception of American values. Moreover, my background and my desire to succeed will allow me to flourish in the XXX program.

I liked the alumni network and student clubs present at XXX.XXX has one of the strongest and largest alumni networks with 70,000 alumni in more than 130 countries of which I would like to be honored to be a member of.

I count very much on earning a XXX School MBA degree to help me strengthen both my

finance knowledge and entrepreneurial skills, necessary to enable me to secure a position as an environmental specialist in a multinational American-based firm; this, in turn, will prepare me to accomplish my long term ambition of starting my own company and helping Turkey improve its environmental record.

I am now on my way to the next step in my career planning which involves receiving an MBA degree from XXX. My experience and technical knowledge guided my success during each new venture I attempted. These early accomplishments boosted my confidence that I would soon be closer to my goal of being a successful young entrepreneur.

I believe I am on the right path to achieve my goals. I now anxiously await the next phase in my development. I know that my skills along with my experience will continue to aid in achieving my long-term objective.

2-When I was an undergraduate, I was asked, as part of a class, to select a project on which I wished to work with supervisor whom I was interested in studying with. I had chosen to study with the Head of the University?s Environmental Engineering Department on a project named "Environmental Risk Assessment of Hazardous Materials." After the earthquake disaster that hit Turkey, causing approximately 30,000 people to die, the State Planning Organization of Turkey has used the model we developed in the project to determine the risks posed by materials spilled around the region devastated by the earthquake.

In addition to working with me on my project, my supervisor also provided me with other important assistance. My supervisor was a person who not only lectured about the issue at hand but also shared his vast knowledge about the practical experience of his professional and personal life. His main goal was to shape his students into well-educated and socially active engineers with strong personal and professional ethics. He took me to many seminars, fairs, and conferences in order to give me the background necessary to become an engineer of whom he could be proud. On my own, I became president of the Environment Club, organizing technical site visits and meetings regarding environmental engineering for freshmen students.

One day, my supervisor told me about a non-profit organization named Cekul of which he was a member. I was impressed with the group?s activities. Cekul's main activity is a tree-planting campaign called "Seven Trees." The idea for the campaign comes from the assumption that the average person consumes almost seven trees for his or her needs annually.

I decided to organize a planting day with Cekul. We have rent a bus and went to the decided planting are together with forty-five students. There were also small kids of ages between eight to fifteen associated with Cekul representatives. When I asked who they were, I am informed that they were the participants of one of the other Cekul activities named “ Education for our future”. Main purpose of the program is to educate children of poor families who can not afford to take preparatory courses for college and/or university entrance exams. At that day we have planted 650 trees and named the little forest as our Club?s forest.

I was impressed with Cekul?s activities and decided to work at Cekul as a volunteer especially for the education program. While working with cekul , I have also learned about their other activities such as restoration of historical houses.

I have noticed that Cekul is the place to make one of my childhood dreams come true.

I spent much of my childhood moving around Turkey because my father was an officer in the Turkish army. The perspective and insight gained during that time have been significant factors in my personal development.

In the early 1980's, there was a great deal of political unrest in Turkey, and security was a major issue for citizens. For a time, we attended school in the company of soldiers. I attended three different primary schools because my family moved so often.

We stayed in least developed towns of Eastern Turkey. People were suffering from

unemployement as a result welfare. My classmates were from poor families who could hardly speak Turkish and could not afford to get school uniforms even hardly afford to receive basic human needs such as medicine, food, education to survive. Those regions were much affected by the unpredictable economic conditions and terorism present in Turkey in those days.

Because of this instability, the quality of my education suffered. Yet I was well aware that I would need to study hard in order to succeed in life. With my determination and perseverance, I did well in my college and university entrance exams, winning admission to one of the best colleges in Ankara and to university in Istanbul.

With our luck and ambition, we succeeded in receiving the best education possible, but I knew first hand the difficult lives these children were facing. Early in life, I vowed to help the people if I was ever able to do so. Knowing about the facts of Turkey as a well educated and a loyal Turkish youngman., I am feeling responsible for those people

I started allocating approximately six hours at the weekeneds educating those kids. Giving them mathematics, physics and chemistry lectures. I took the responsibility of two kids who were at the age of ten and eleven years old. We targeted to make them pass through the private college entrance exam that will be governmentally sponsored all through their education life.

After a seven months of period we succeeded. They entered the colleges. This summer they are going to graduate from high school. I not only lectured them but also became their brother by listening their problems and trying to solve them. We also went to picnics and arranged city sight seeing tours to make them also socially strong citizens. Cekul became the chance I needed to honor my vow.

I consider helping these two kids to be my most significant personal accomplishment to date. As one of our famous poets Nazim Hikmet mentioned;

“Karanliktan sikayet edecegine bir mum da sen yak”

“Do not complain about the darkness, instead add a candle”. My candles are still burning. 3-WHAT WOULD MY CLASSMATES BENEFIT?

My goal upon finishing my graduate studies was to obtain a position in a large corporation. I received and accepted an offer from Koc Holding, a diversified conglomerate, and began my professional career as a project engineer at the Energy and Environment group

headquarters. I believe that the perseverance and determination that enabled me to attain these goals are positive values that I can demonstrate to my classmates by setting a good example. In addition, I can share my experiences in successfully motivating others by discussing the Environment Club that I founded while at university.

In terms of software applications, I am very skill full at word, excel, power point and many other programs. Because of my big expertise, I am always asked to prepare presentations to be made for almost every meetings. Although we have an information center at the heaquaters I am asked to solve the problems occurred with the Pcs first.

In the workplace, I have learned how to function successfully despite unpredictable social, economical and cultural conditions. I played a crucial role in my company's new line of business regarding lignite-fired thermal power plants during the process of energy

privatization. I have worked not only on the environmental end but also on the legislative and economical end of those projects in order to gain a "big picture" of privatization. The insight into unpredictable emerging market issues and especially the energy sector privatization development in Turkey that I have gained through these experiences is valuable and unique, and I look forward to sharing it with my classmates.

In the course of these experiences, I have worked with many different people; this has helped me to develop strong communication skills. I am able to express myself well by adapting my communication style to specific people or audiences. My communication skills might be helpful in moderating group discussions or disagreements.

And as a successful project engineer, I have represented my company at various meetings in London, Germany and the United States, which is unusual for someone in his first years at a

Turkish company. I am very proud of what I have accomplished so far, and I look forward to sharing my experiences handling these responsibilities with my classmates.

The Case Study method used at XXX School may be a new challenge for some candidates; however, I encountered this method during my professional certificate program. I found several successful strategies, such as active participation and thorough preparation,

investigating the case from many perspectives. I believe my experiences will be very helpful to my classmates.

As a result, I may bring my unusual work background from a developing country, my experience working with groups, and my energetic and adaptable personality.

SIGNIFICANT LEADERSHIP ROLE

In 1997, the Turkish Ministry of Energy and Natural Resources tendered the transfer of the operating rights of Kangal, a lignite-fired, 450 megawatts thermal power plant, to a consortium comprised of Koc Holding A.S., Demir Export A.S., NRG Energy, Peabody Holding Company and Egem Energy A.S.. It is my work on this first-ever energy privatization project which has been my greatest professional achievement.

The development of this energy business project has been handled by our energy and environment group. I started working within the environmental task team formed by the

consortium members early on in the project. Our main task has been to establish the scope of environmental activities for which the consultants would tender. The coordination of

refurbishment activities has become my main responsibility due to my technical expertise in environmental issues. Specifically, my duties have included defining the current environmental status of the plant and the surrounding area as well as defining the areas requiring

refurbishment; obtaining required documentation and permission from the Turkish Electricity Authority, interviewing on-site personnel and providing Turkish-English translations, organizing consultant work schedules, accommodations, and transportation, gathering information and creating presentations to consortium members in London and Istanbul, and attending

meetings with lenders comprised of Overseas Private Investment Corporation and World Bank in Washington, D.C.

To achieve these responsibilities, I have had to utilize many managerial skills, work hard, analyze situations from many perspectives, plan and respond in a timely manner, lead and motivate people and enabling people aware about the importance of the environmental issues. Because I have been able to achieve these duties, my colleagues and supervisors have

increased their trust in me. As a result, I am now delegated to work on several aspects of the project including legislative and financial issues. I have become one of the contact people and company representatives in internal and external meetings among consortium members and investment institutions. Through this project, I have had a chance to gain important

international experience and also to improve my verbal and written communication skills both in Turkish and English.

Critique for the Edited Version.

Dear XXX,

You answered the questions vividly and comprehensively, so my major concern was to tighten up the pieces. The weakest points involved content: the introduction to the first essay, for instance, had too much information, and read like a long list of images that are best made apparent through the narrative itself (more on this later). I've taken extensive notes on these and other more substantial changes, so you will find there a lengthier explanation of this point. In terms of structure, the only major adjustment was the elimination of subheadings. As I mention in the notes, American admissions officers -- or, for that matter, American readers in general -- are usually looking for evidence of the ability to compose a formal essay where the ideas flow smoothly one into the next. In other words, unlike business briefings, where

dividing the text into subsections allows the reader to easily pick out the passage containing a certain kind of information, in this type of essay (where you are attempting to construct a persuasive argument), it is to your advantage to substitute subheadings with well-constructed transitions (I've done that throughout the essay).

With all three essays, I condensed the conclusions somewhat substantially.

In each of the texts it seemed like you were off to a good start but sort of ran out of breath towards the end -- the essays petered out rather than ending with "a bang". Since they

involved very different types of changes, I've written more about these alterations in the notes. Elsewhere, rather than making radical (and unnecessary) structural changes, I concentrated on refining your language, highlighting your most interesting points, and making the logic of your ideas stand out clearer. Many of these changes are quite subtle, but they have a powerful impact on the overall flow of the pieces.

I rephrased passages that contained awkward English, eliminated phrases or sentences that seemed extraneous or repetitive, and varied the vocabulary to render the text more lucid and vivid. I also varied the length of sentences, in order to make the rhythm of the text more interesting (HINT: Avoid starting too many sentences with "I"; instead, try adding more transitional phrases like "Additionally", or inserting clauses before the pronoun: "In 1999, I began to work...)

Here and there I also found sections where your writing was either too vague or abstract, or where transitional passages were too abrupt (or lacking). I've made a few notes here below about a few specific changes where I chose new phrasing based on context.

I've organized the notes by paragraph -- the number after each "P" refers to the order of the *original* placement of the paragraph.

ESSAY 1

P1. These are strong and vivid images with which to begin an essay, but the list format is not recommended: admissions officers will be far more impressed if you can seamlessly weave these images into the text. So I condensed the listings and modified the format into paragraph form.

P2. When you say that at fifteen you decided to focus on environmental studies, does it mean that at that time you entered university (as an undergraduate)? There is no mention of your college years -- instead you delve into your Master's right at the third paragraph -- so you might want to make that experience more explicit in the second paragraph, mentioning, for instance, exactly where you attended university.

P3 and P4

These two paragraphs were both short and related, so I condensed them into a single

paragraph (having too many paragraphs can make an essay seem choppy and digressive). P5 and P6

When you mention Koc Holding as "the first and biggest diversified conglomerate", do you mean the first and biggest in Turkey? I assumed this was the case and added "Turkey", but be sure to change the passage if that's not the case (for instance, if it's Europe/Asia's first and biggest, or the world's).

As with the previous passage, it made sense to combine these two paragraphs.

P8 & P9

The phrase "appropriate solutions" is awkwardly vague. How about "adaptable"? Built transition from P8 to P9 and consolidated.

P 10 and P11

Consolidated

Once you have written out the school's full name, you can refer to it simply as "XXX". P13

Very redundant. You have already said most of these things. I eliminated the paragraph.

P14

You sound like a brochure. I'll just incorporate the alumni network and student group info into the body of the text in the previous paragraph (P12).

P15, P16

Again, these paragraphs don't add much to the essay. It's better to end with a solid conclusion than simply to peter out, so I condensed the section.

ESSAY 2

The first sentence was very unclear; I rephrased it -- basically, simplifying the structure -- to clarify the meaning.

Add year of the earthquake.

"We have rent a bus" Who is we? I assumed it was your Cekul co-workers and you. P5

"I was impressed with Cekul's activities." Watch out for redundant phrases -- you had used the exact same phrase in P3.

The sentence "While working with Cekul, I have also learned about their other activities such as restoration of historical houses" is interesting, but it detracts from the narrative, so I eliminated it.

P7 and P8

Consolidated

You might want to clarify the phrase "families who could hardly speak Turkish", because a lot of people outside Turkey are unaware of your country's diversity. What language(s) do these family speak?

P12

"educating those kids". It's unclear: are you referring to the Cekul kids? I've assumed that was the case.

The meaning of the last sentence was also a bit unclear -- exactly what are those

examinations for? This is how I interpreted the passage: "I also took two kids, ages ten and eleven, under my wings with the goal of helping them pass the private college entrance exam that would qualify them to receive government sponsorship for their entire education." P16

This might be painful, but I eliminated the last paragraph -- the poet's saying. It is, no doubt, a beautiful saying, but so many students end (or begin) their essays this way that it has become cliché. By ending with the current section -- stating simply that helping these two kids was your greatest accomplishment -- leaves the reader with a strong, lasting impression of your character and sense of commitment.

ESSAY 3

Talk in the future sense: it's more assertive. Say "I will" instead of "I can."

The names of computer applications should be capitalized.

Economical and economic have slightly different meaning -- when referring to the economy, use "economic".

Again, I removed the section heading and worked in a transition, tying your qualifications to your leadership experience and thereby rendering the essay a seamless, well-constructed text.

When including several complex clauses in a list, it's best to use semi-colons instead of commas.

The result is three essays that reveal clear thinking, a unique background, and a keen

determination to succeed. Good job, and best of luck in the admissions process -- you have picked a fascinating track within the business world.

Best regards

Edited Essay:

ESSAY 1

Turkish news nowadays carry vivid images which have become terrifyingly commonplace: the surface of the sea littered with dead sheep; a landfill explosion leading to a number of deaths; vendors offering radiation-contaminated tea for half-price; a little girl's death resulting from her fall through an open sewage manhole in her schoolyard; radioactive waste sold to

unsuspecting scrap dealers; a twenty-year-old tanker breaking into pieces, spilling hundreds of tons of crude oil into the ocean and killing sea life all around.

The frequency with which these environmental disasters fill Turkish news broadcasts -- along with the obvious insensitivity of the authorities towards both environment and health issues -- prompted me to learn about ways to prevent these types of disasters. At the age of fifteen, I decided to focus my studies on environmental sciences in order to equip myself with the technical tools I would need to make a real contribution.

After earning a Master's degree in environmental sciences, I completed a professional

international management certificate program in order to gain a management perspective of the field. I then realized that, in order to effectively combine my technical knowledge and management skills, I needed to accumulate real-world experience. Specifically, working at a large company would allow me to develop insight into various industries, as well as an overarching vision of the international business arena.

I have now worked for nearly two years in the energy and environment group of Koc Holding, Turkey's first and biggest diversified conglomerate. As a project engineer, I am mainly responsible for our holding companies' environment and energy sector investments. This position has given me the opportunity to interact with businessmen from all over the world, thereby expanding my international perspective. Because of my outstanding work

performance, I was chosen to attend various meetings with local and international

governmental bodies such as OPIC, IFC, and the World Bank. It is highly unusual for a young associate to represent the company at such events, and my self-confidence -- as well as my management skills -- was further enhanced by that successful experience.

While working in various business lines, including the automotive industry, consumer durables, and the energy sector, I have realized that the root cause of many environmental problems is financial. I believe that many people in the environmental sector are so ignorant or insensitive that they will cheat customers to increase profits. Furthermore, businesses do not prioritize environmental investments; as a result, insufficient funds are allocated to adequately prevent problems. For instance, despite a population over eight million people, Istanbul -- Turkey's largest city -- still lacks a properly operating sewage system. In most of the areas of the city, waste water is discharged directly into the Bosphorus.

In the long term, I hope to help solve my country's problems by starting my own

environmental-services business in Turkey. The company will serve both local and

international customers by providing cost-effective, adaptable solutions ranging from waste management to safety management. In order to accomplish this goal, however, I must deepen my knowledge of the field. Despite my experience, I still lack some important

knowledge and management skills, especially in finance, marketing, and entrepreneurship. I am also aware that my knowledge of American environmental issues is insufficient. Since dealing with aspects of international business will be an integral part of my job as an entrepreneur, it is essential that I fill in these gaps.

The XXX School's MBA program is the perfect bridge from where I am to where I want to be. I am attracted by the inventiveness and uniqueness of its entrepreneurial and finance programs, and believe that I will increase my practical knowledge of entrepreneurship by interacting with my classmates. I value the fact that at XXX entrepreneurial education does not stop at the classroom, but rather continues through internships and extracurricular activities. I feel that a business school for entrepreneurs should balance a dose of theory with real-world application, and XXX's curriculum and hands-on experiences through associations, internships, and the management field study provide such balance.

I am also drawn to XXX because of the school's emphasis on teamwork and technology, reflected by such exciting courses and programs as High Technology Entrepreneurship, International Finance, 12-week field application projects, and the global immersion program directed to teach global thinking and global action. Additionally, the school's profusion of student groups and its flexible entrepreneurial program -- with electives from 200 courses -- will allow me to tailor my course of study directly to my career interests. It is precisely this flexibility that I plan to draw on while at XXX and beyond, by taking advantage of (and contributing to) the school's strong international alumni network.

Above all, a XXX MBA will help me strengthen both the finance knowledge and the

entrepreneurial skills necessary to secure a position as an environmental specialist in a

multinational American-based firm. Such a position, in turn, will prepare me to accomplish my long-term ambition of building my own company. By developing and maximizing the technical knowledge and managerial skills I have already accumulated, XXX will allow me to ultimately make a concrete and substantial contribution to Turkey's environment.

ESSAY 2

For one of my undergraduate classes, I was once asked to select a project to work on with a supervisor whose interests matched my own. I had chosen to study with the Head of the

University's Environmental Engineering Department on a project entitled "Environmental Risk Assessment of Hazardous Materials." After an earthquake disaster hit Turkey in ____, causing approximately 30,000 deaths, the country's State Planning Organization used the model we developed in this project to determine the risks posed by materials spilled around the region devastated by the earthquake.

In addition to working with me on my project, my supervisor also provided me with other important assistance. Not only did he teach me about the issue at hand, he also shared with me the practical experiences he had accumulated during the course of both his professional career and his personal life. His main goal was to shape his students into well-educated and socially active engineers with strong personal and professional ethics. He took me to many seminars, fairs, and conferences in order to give me the background necessary to become an engineer of whom he could be proud. I followed his example through personal initiatives such as becoming president of the Environment Club, through which I organized technical site visits and meetings on environmental engineering for first-year students.

One day, my supervisor told me about Cekul, a non-profit organization of which he was a member. I was impressed with the group's activities. Cekul's main activity is a tree-planting campaign called "Seven Trees." The idea for the campaign comes from the assumption that the average person consumes almost seven trees for his or her needs annually.

I decided to organize a planting day with Cekul. My co-workers and I rented a bus for the

forty-five students involved. At the planting site there were also children and teenagers present -- participants of a Cekul a program called "Education for Our Future", meant to educate

children of families who cannot afford preparatory courses for college and university entrance exams. Together we planted 650 trees in one day.

Finding the work immensely gratifying, I decided to volunteer to work with Cekul's education program. I soon discovered that at Cekul I could finally realize one of my childhood dreams. I spent much of my childhood moving around Turkey because my father was an officer in the Turkish army. The perspective and insight gained during that time have been significant factors in my personal development. In the early 1980's, for instance, there was a great deal of political unrest in Turkey, and security was a major issue for citizens. For a while, we children attended school in the company of soldiers. As if all the commotion were not enough, I went to three different primary schools because my family moved so often.

My father's postings coincided with the least developed towns of Eastern Turkey. Those regions were severely affected by the unpredictable economic conditions and terrorism

rampant in Turkey in those days. Unemployment was soaring, and a substantial proportion of the population had to subsist on welfare. My classmates came largely from poor families who spoke little Turkish and could not afford to purchase school uniforms, let alone basic necessities like medicine and food.

Because of the instability, the quality of my own education suffered as well. Yet I realized early on that I would need to study hard in order to succeed in life. Through determination and perseverance, I did well on the university entrance exams and was offered admission by one of Ankara's best colleges, as well as by a university in Istanbul.

It was no easy task acquiring a top-notch education, and I knew first-hand the difficulties faced by children. I have always felt a need to help others; now, as an educated man, I feel even

more responsible towards those less fortunate than myself. Years ago I started allocating approximately six hours each weekend to tutoring Cekul kids in mathematics, physics, and chemistry. I also took two kids, ages ten and eleven, under my wing with the goal of helping them pass the private college entrance exam that would qualify them to receive government sponsorship for their entire education.

After seven months of hard work, we succeeded. The two kids entered the program, and this summer they are going to graduate from high school. I tried to shore up their academic

foundations with personal support -- by playing a brotherly role, listening to their problems and guiding them towards solutions. We organized picnics and arranged city sightseeing tours to make them socially conscious citizens.

Cekul, in short, turned out to be the opportunity that I had been looking for to honor my vow. I do not hesitate in pointing to these two kids' success as my most significant personal accomplishment to date.

ESSAY 3

My goal, upon finishing my graduate studies, was to obtain a position in a large corporation. I received and accepted an offer from Koc Holding, a diversified conglomerate, and began my professional career as a project engineer at the company's Energy and Environment group headquarters. I believe that the same perseverance and determination that enabled me to attain these goals will allow me to contribute my unique background to XXX's dynamic student body. In addition, I will share with my fellow students my unusual experiences, such as

founding an Environment Club while at college, while drawing on my proven ability to motivate others towards a common goal.

I have also acquired specific, practical skills that will allow me to pool my resources with those of fellow students. I am quite skillful with several software applications (including Word, Excel, and Powerpoint). At my company, I am often asked to prepare presentations at meetings. Although we have an information center at the headquarters, coworkers frequently come to me first when they encounter problems with their PCs.

My adaptability skills come in handy even in the workplace: I have learned to function smoothly despite unpredictable social, economic, and cultural conditions. During the process of energy privatization, I played a crucial role in my company's new line of business regarding

lignite-fired thermal power plants. I have worked both on the environmental end and on the legislative and economic ends of those projects in order to gain a "big picture" of

privatization. The insight that these experiences have given me into unpredictable emerging market issues -- and especially the energy sector privatization in Turkey -- has proved invaluable, and I look forward to sharing it with my classmates.

Over the course of these experiences, I have worked with many different people, which has strengthened my communication skills. I am able to express myself well by adapting my

communication style to specific people or audiences. I have no doubt that these abilities will come in useful in moderating group discussions or disagreements. After all, as a successful project engineer, I have represented my company at various meetings in London, Germany, and the United States -- a range of experiences rather unusual for someone in his first years at a Turkish company.

The Case Study method used at XXX School may pose new challenges for some candidates; I, however, became familiar with this method during my professional certificate program. By investigating each case from multiple perspectives, I discovered (and subsequently applied) several successful strategies, including active participation and thorough preparation. I believe my experiences will be very helpful to my classmates.

In addition to this unusual work background and energetic disposition, I will be bringing to the campus a strong taste for, and vast experience with, leadership roles.

In 1997, for example, the Turkish Ministry of Energy and Natural Resources tendered the

transfer of the operating rights of Kangal -- a lignite-fired, 450-megawatt thermal power plant -- to a consortium comprised of Koc Holding A.S., Demir Export A.S., NRG Energy, Peabody Holding Company and Egem Energy A.S.. My work on this pioneering energy privatization project is my greatest professional achievement to date.

Our energy and environment group has handled the development of this energy business project. I started working within the environmental task team formed by the consortium members early on in the project. Our main task has been to establish the scope of

environmental activities for which the consultants would tender. Due to my technical expertise in environmental issues, the coordination of refurbishment activities has become my main responsibility. Specifically, my duties have included defining the current environmental status of the plant and the surrounding area as well as defining the areas requiring refurbishment; obtaining required documentation and permission from the Turkish Electricity Authority; interviewing on-site personnel and providing Turkish-English translations; organizing

consultant work schedules, accommodations, and transportation; gathering information and creating presentations to consortium members in London and Istanbul; and attending meetings with lenders comprised of the Overseas Private Investment Corporation and the World Bank.

In order to effectively attain these goals, I have had to combine several managerial skills, hard work, thorough analysis, careful planning, timely response, and the ability to lead and motivate co-workers, increasing people's awareness of environmental issues.

Because I have been able to achieve these duties, my colleagues and supervisors have

placed a great deal of trust in me. As a result, I am now delegated to work on several aspects of the project, including legislative and financial issues. I have become one of the contact people and company representatives in internal and external meetings among consortium members and investment institutions. Through this project, I have had a chance to gain

important international experience, and to improve my verbal and written communication skills

both in Turkish and English. By combining the experience I have gained through this project with the other skills I have accumulated, I will bring to the campus unique perspectives and an innovative way of thinking.

? Business School Essay - Awkward English:

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Unedited Version (the "Before")

1)Discuss the factors that influenced your career decisions to date. Also discuss your career plans and why you want to obtain an MBA.

2) Describe two events in your life to date that demonstrate your ability to do well in business 1)

Since I was four years old, my father has left my mother and I for Indonesia to start his textile company. He has come back to Hong Kong once for a year. In order to enhance our

relationship, we used to talk over the phone. As early as when I was Grade 8, I possessed my first computer for the main purpose of sending electronic mail to my father. From that time, using the Internet has captured most of my spare time. In the summer of 1992, I had a

valuable chance of volunteering in the library to assist people using computers to look for the books or to get access on the Internet. At the same time, my father's business had been suffering from keen competition and out-dated machines for two years. He then started to automate the production line by investing in new innovated technologies, and hiring some technicians. When I visited him, the new automated production line and the whole

computerized firm amused me, because this was the system that rescued my father's business. Since then, my interest in information technology has been ever growing. After I came to Canada, I even use electronic mail and ICQ to communicate with my parent, and choose MIS as my core course. I found that IT is so powerful that it not only helps companies

become more competitive, but also bridges people ocean apart. This arouses my desire to work in IT industry.

Second, self-satisfaction also affects my career decision. Although monetary reward is practically important in reality, opportunity to learn and job prospect are even more crucial

factors for me to be really happy and satisfied. I like learning new skills and acquiring up-dated information, because they can help me adapt the fast-changing world, enrich my experiences, explore my interest, and give me higher self-esteem as I am a valuable person. In addition, a job with a bright prospect gives me incentives to improve myself. Thus, as I become more experienced and knowledgeable, I can pursue a higher level of career and help others. This is my true happiness. For instance, I am now volunteering in an on campus organization, Job Link, in which I am responsible for posting jobs on the World Wide Web, answering questions and making information handouts. I am interested in this job because I can learn how to use a software program, can improve my interpersonal skills by answering students' questions, and can enrich my research experience. These skills are valuable because I can use them in future. I can feel myself to become more productive and knowledgeable.

In short run, after graduating from the Master degree, I will work in an IT related industry, either in a consulting firm or financial institution, as a system analyst or a consultant. Moreover, in my private time, I will attend a computer-programming course in order to continuously update myself and become more competitive. In long run, when I have gathered enough managerial and analysis skills and experiences, I plan to have my own consulting company.

Therefore, attending a Master Science program definitely can smooth my path to pursue my goal. The program can deepen expertise and broaden my perspectives. Moreover, the MIS option can help me to specialize my skills in IT areas that I have not yet learned from my undergraduate degree. Since I have been in UBC for four years, I am familiar with and have confidence in the faculty professors whom I believe can help me become an IT professional. 2)

Without this disease, I might not have been initiative and willing to face challenges. Without the chance of being a Special Event Director, I might not learn what the leadership skill was. During my six years in primary school (Grade 1 to Grade 6), most of my classmates always kept distance from me and called me "alien" and I was very lonely. The reason is that I had a severe Dermatitis since I was born. My arms and legs were full of ulcers, sores, bandages and scars. I always felt itchy and painful, and I dared not play with others. Moreover, my hairs had never been longer that two inches and I must have to wear T-shirts and shorts in summer in order to keep my skin dry and from getting infection. Some dermatologists even said that I was hardly fully recovered. However, my parents and relatives had not been given me up, and they always encouraged me and gave me unconditional tenders. Therefore, I had a belief that I would be recovered one day, and thus I was eager to take any challenges of trying different kinds of medication, including Western and Chinese Herbals. Although my life in the primary school was only full of pain and lonesome, I learned to be brave and to face any challenges

positively. Fortunately, during the summer vacation after graduating from the primary school, my power of resistance gradually became stronger and my disease got greatly improved. I only had some ulcers on my legs although my body was still full of scars. Since then, I realized that I should change my long-lasting lonely life and should not waste my precious secondary school life. Thus, since in Grade 7, I actively talked to my classmates and helped them. I also took part in many various extracurricular activities, such as VolleyBall Team, Girl Guide and Art Club. Nevertheless, one thing I still have not changed is my attitude toward risk. During every examination and competition, I told myself that I was able to do the best because

nothing was tougher than the time when I was in the primary school. Before I came to Canada, I was fully recovered and earned a lot of friends. Although I had been suffered a lot from my disease, I have learned a precious lesson that I should have confidence, initiative and not afraid of failure.

When I was in the ESL program in the college in Canada, I joined the Culture Club as a Special Event Director responsible for managing a group of six members in designing and organizing various functions. Since I was in the highest level of ESL program than all of the other members, I had a tendency to think that I was the most capable. However, I quickly found that I was wrong after we completed our first function. In preparing the Singing

Competition, I followed up my members' tasks very strictly and did not accept their idea very often. This turned out that I finished most of the jobs by myself and my members only assisted me in the minor tasks. The outcome was that we only had four days to promote our activity, only ten people joined the competition and the function room was not fully decorated yet. I was very depressed, and when I talked to my Club's supervisor, she just said, "I assigned you as the director because I trust you." I was shocked. Why didn't I trust my members? They were weak in language, but this did not mean that they did not have other talents. After this lesson, I started to let my members to choose the task that they were interested in and let them finish by themselves. We also expressed our ideas freely during the meetings and voted for the best. I found that not only the preparation procedure had become smooth, but also the atmosphere among us had greatly improved. We were happier and eager to devote much more time

together. Most importantly, we became friends. I was proud to have opportunity to learn what a real leadership skills was and I believe that this skill will become my asset for my future career. Edited Version (the "After")

1)Discuss the factors that influenced your career decisions to date. Also discuss your career plans and why you want to obtain an MBA. (300-500 words)

2) Describe two events in your life to date that demonstrate your ability to do well in business (300-500words)

When I was four years old, my father moved from Hong Kong to Indonesia to start a textile company, leaving me with my mother. In order to alleviate the pressures of separation, I

developed the computer skills needed for electronic communication at an early age - my eighth school year. The Internet caught my attention immediately, and became an enjoyable tool. In the summer of 1992, I utilized my computing skills by volunteering at a library, where I helped with computer and Internet related questions. During that time, my father?s business had launched many technological changes that led to automation of its production line. These improvements had saved his company from bankruptcy. Visiting him and seeing how the new system had increased his profits heightened my interest in Information Technology (IT). I now live in Canada, where computers continue to play a large role in my daily affairs. I use

electronic mail and Internet chats to communicate with both parents, and have chosen MIS as my course of study. Information Technology fascinates me not only because it makes

companies more competitive, but also because it can bridge great distances to bring people together. I have much respect for and interest in the IT industry.

Personal satisfaction also plays a key role in my career decision. While monetary rewards are of practical importance, true job satisfaction springs from the opportunity to grow and learn within an industry. I enjoy acquiring new skills and information, which help me adapt to the fast-changing world as well as piquing my interest. In addition, a career with open prospects would give me constant incentive to improve myself and gain more knowledge. I currently volunteer for an on-campus organization, Job Link, in which I am responsible for posting employment opportunities on the World Wide Web, answering questions, and preparing

informative handouts. This position has broadened my computing abilities and has improved my interpersonal skills, which are crucial to any business endeavor. I enjoy the sense of

productivity and usefulness I gain from the work, and feel it is a valuable experience for future employment.

In short, my goal is to obtain a Masters degree, and then work in an IT-related industry, either with a consulting firm or as a systems analyst with a financial institution. In addition to this, I plan to use my private time to attend computer-programming courses in order to maintain a competitive knowledge of technology. When I have gathered enough experience and skills, I hope to launch a consulting company of my own.

Attending a Masters of Science program will definitely smooth the path to these goals. The program will deepen my expertise and broaden my perspectives. Moreover, the MIS option will help me to hone my skills in IT areas that I have not yet encountered. As I have attended UBC for four years, I am familiar with and have confidence in the faculty professors who I believe can help me become an IT professional.

During my six years in primary school, my classmates referred to me as “the alien,”

maintaining a definite distance from me. Their reasons were clear; I was born with severe dermatitis, which filled my limbs with ulcers and scars. My life was one of pain and isolation. Doctors predicted I would never fully recover, but my parents refused to believe this. They

encouraged me to hope for the future, teaching me that any obstacle could be overcome. I therefore took an active role in my health, trying many medications and herbs.

I learned to approach my loneliness with bravery, viewing it as a challenge to rise above. The summer after I graduated from primary school, my disease improved dramatically. Although my body remained riddled with scars, the ulcers vanished. The self-confidence this gave me was profound; I realized that my personal will had led to this improvement. I began to seek out friendships at school, and took part in activities like volleyball, Girl Guide, and Art Club. Through it all, my attitude toward challenges remained the same. In every examination or

competition, I told myself that I could easily excel; nothing could be more difficult than the pain I had already overcome. By the time I moved to Canada, I had fully recovered both socially and physically. Moreover, I had learned to be confident and never fear failure. This credo echoes through my personal life, and gives me the inner resources to succeed at any endeavor, including my professional pursuits.

I have also developed a firm foundation of leadership skills. While enrolled in an ESL program in Canada, I joined the Culture Club as a Special Event Director. I managed a group of six in organizing various functions. I was the most advanced ESL student among the group, and thus assumed myself to be the most capable. I quickly learned my mistake. In preparing our first function, I was strict with my team members and often rejected their ideas in favor of my own. I performed most of their tasks myself, allowing them to assist me only in minor details. As a result, the function was not very successful. Few people attended, and we had problems with decorations and presentation. The setback disheartened me, and I spoke of it to the

Club?s supervisor. She responded that she had trust in my ability to succeed in the future. That comment filled me with surprise, for I realized I had never trusted my own team members. Although they were weak in the English language, they had many valuable talents. I

immediately changed my policy, allowing team members to choose the tasks they desired and complete them on their own.

Meetings evolved into group brainstorming sessions, which yielded many good ideas. Most importantly, the atmosphere among us improved dramatically. We were happier and more eager to devote time to the program. I learned what true leadership is, and this experience will undoubtedly be of use to me in any business situation.

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Unedited Version (the "Before")

Essay 1:

Discuss the effect that an increasingly global economy may have on your future

responsibilities as a manager, both generally and as regards your chosen field, and what you hope to learn at MIT to enable you to meet this challenge?

Essay 2:

Why have you selected the Master?s or Ph.D. program in the Carroll School of Management at Boston College?

Essay 1:

In the 1990s, globalization has changed the business world profoundly. Companies of different country origins now can reach customers worldwide and cut their production and operation costs through international chains of production and distribution. Today, Gillette Co. is manufacturing razors in Russia, Fidelity Investment is selling its funds in Germany, and

Citicorp is serving millions of customers from Asia to America. Meanwhile, global markets are featured with constant changes, intense competition, and heightened customer expectation, making it ever more difficult for a company to gain and maintain its competitive edge.

Managers have to take broader responsibilities in the global economy. A successful manager will monitor the competitive landscape and decide if his organization has the strategies,

structures and the people that can fulfill its global interest. In spite of the different approaches he may take, he always has to build the commitment to the global economy and develop the necessary strengths for international business throughout his company. Being exposed to global economy does not mean that a company will easily become international. Transiting from a national company to an international one will take an adjustment of attitude as well as operation. Explaining the challenges and opportunities, and addressing to employees?

concerns, such as how globalization affect their jobs, are a manager?s first steps to make the transition.

An excellent salesman in the U.S. may not work equally well in China or Brazil. In order to act globally, a company needs the right people with the right skills. Developing global working teams that have the necessary skills to work with people of different countries and cultures, then, is the next thing on a manager?s agenda.

Also, a successful manager will help his company tailor its global strategies to its resources and capacities. It would be great to have 1 billion customers by the year 2010 like Citicorp

might, but not every company has the size and global reach of Citigroup. Nonetheless, size is not everything. It?s the quality of the products and services that a company can offer that matters. In stead of being all the things to all the people, a smaller company can take

alternative approaches to the global market, such as focusing on a certain market sector in which it can compete efficiently. A manager must find the best strategies available and then establish appropriate policies in international marketing, finance, and human resource

management accordingly. And then, these strategies will be continually monitored to take into account new advances in the business world. Furthermore, different cultures, laws, and

market conditions make international operation a complicated process of system engineering.

A manager has to shape his company into a flexible organization so that it can learn from and respond to fast-changing environments. In addition to developing global working teams, mastering technology is another central part of this action. With the help of technology, a manager will be able to direct and control operations on diverse scopes and scales. More importantly, since everyone has access to technology, how a manager leverages technology for competitive advantage will make the difference. In a world fraught with intensive

competition, ideas become the ultimate power that makes a company stand out. In order to be recognized and chosen by customers, a company has to be creative and do things special. A manger's responsibilities must include encouraging and stimulating new ideas and techniques. To this end, he will look for new markets, customers, and allies with the purpose of generating new revenues and reducing costs.

In the field of finance, globalization has compelled managers to make their decisions in the shadow of uncertainty. Numerous forces affect international capital markets. As the markets become more and more integrated, the changes in one market will induce chain reactions that will eventually sweep all the markets. One of such an example is the Asian currency crisis that happened in 1997, which is still affecting the world?s economy at this time. On the other hand, as the world moves toward common standard of financial governance and market valuation, new opportunities have arisen for international financial operations.

Financial managers must look for innovative ways to manage risk. In every global company, corporate financial managers will have to deal with the cultural and legal differences among countries to protect corporate assets and earnings. This requires that they have to take bigger roles in their companies? decision-making process in order to develop effective strategies that make the most of an uncertain situation. At the same time, accelerated innovation from financial service industry has given rise to arrays of resources for international financing. Keeping pace with the changes in the financial tools and effectively making use of different financial productswill be an important part in corporate financial manager?s work. In financial service industry, globalization has triggered new operation standards. The emergence of

Citigroup has demonstrated an example of one-stop shopping for financial products, which has combined different kinds of financial services such as banking, insurance, brokerage, and investment banking. But again, bigger is not always better. Instead, introducing new services, tailoring individualized solutions to customers? needs, and inventing more options for customers to access may lead to success. There are always new ways to compete, and managers should never give up finding those ways.

For a future manager, tackling the global economy is an inevitable task. In addition to the

knowledge international business, he must have such skills as leadership, communication and cooperation, and organization to take the responsibility. As the leading school in global management issues, Sloan will equip me with cutting-edge business knowledge and skills thatwill help me understand and anticipate the expectations of international guests and business associates. Also, the school's international environment will give me first-hand exposure to how people of different cultures think, act and communicate. These upgraded knowledge and skills, I believe, will pave my way to a global player in my future career. Essay 2:

In my imagination, an ideal MBA school has three characteristics. First, it has to be an

innovative institution in business education. And, it has to create an international bent that will prepare students for the challenges coming from the global economy. Moreover, it must

combine theoretical training with business practices, which allows students to keep pace with business trends and to master every essence of management skills.

Taking a close look at the Carroll School, I find that it meets all my expectations. For one thing, it has a high reputation in modeling business leaders and financial managers. With an emphasis on developing its students? skills and abilities, its MBA program is featured with creativity and flexibility. For years, it has filled students with the cutting-edge business

knowledge, which give them superior capabilities to handle the most complicated business operations.

On the other hand, Carroll School?s MBA education is not confined to classrooms. At the same time the school brings business leaders into classrooms, it also enables students to learn from real-world practices by creating such opportunities through its extensive business associations and alumni network. Also, as one of the MBA schools that have paid special attention to develop consultants, the school provides a stimulating environment for those who want to serve in consulting industry. Furthermore, Carroll School is truly an international manager builder. It is a highly-rated school in teaching international management issues, and has

attracted students from different countries and cultures. By teaming up with these students, I will learn how people of different cultures think, act and communicate. This experience, in turn, will help me build andimprove global working teams in my future career as a manager. Meanwhile, I will be able to strengthen my global thinking and, therefore, prepare for the challenges of the global economy.

In pursuing my career in financial consulting, I feel that CarrollSchool?s MBA program is the one of which I can make the most during thenext two years. For this reason I choose Carroll School.

Edited Version (the "After")

Essay 1: Discuss the effect that an increasingly global economy may have on your future responsibilities as a manager, both generally and as regards your chosen field, and what you hope to learn at MIT to enable you to meet this challenge?

Essay 2: Why have you selected the Master?s or Ph.D. program in the Carroll School of Management at Boston College?

Essay 1:

The globalization of the 1990s has had a profound impact on every facet of the business world. Companies in every nation can now reach customers around the world and cut operation costs through global scales of production and distribution. Today, Gillette Co. is manufacturing razors in Russia, Fidelity Investment is selling its funds in Germany, and Citicorp is serving millions of customers from Asia to America. Meanwhile, international markets undergo

constant change, intense competition, and heightened customer expectation, which makes it increasingly difficult for a company to gain and maintain its competitive edge. Managers must therefore take on a broader range of responsibilities.

A successful manager will monitor the competitive landscape and decide if his organization has the strategies, structures, and personnel to be viable on a global level. In spite of the different approaches he may take, one thing remains constant--a manager must instill a commitment to globalization throughout his company. Simple exposure to an expanded

economy does not make a corporation “international.” Rather, there needs to be a widespread adjustment of attitude, as well as sweeping changes in operation, to ensure the company?s profitability.

The initial steps a manager must take are twofold: to clearly outline the challenges and

opportunities of an international market and to address the individual talents of each employee.

A successful manager will tailor his company?s global strategies to suit its resources and

capacities. This involves setting realistic goals without losing sight of more elevated ones. Not every corporation, for instance, has the size and reach of Citicorp, which will have one billion customers by the year 2010. While a manager should take the limitations of his corporation into account, he must also remember that quality of products and services can achieve goals that mere size cannot. Instead of being “all things to all people,” a smaller company can take a more specialized approach to the global market by focusing on a certain sector in which it can excel.

To achieve this, it is critical to match the talents and experience of each employee to the task best suited to him. For instance, a salesman who excels in the United States may not possess the cultural knowledge needed to succeed in China or Brazil. Different cultures, laws, and market conditions make international operation a complicated process of system engineering.

A manager must develop working teams that have the skills necessary to interact with people throughout the world. It is therefore the duty of the manager to establish which strategies work best and to follow up with appropriate policies in international marketing, finance, and human resource.

This is an ongoing task that requires continual monitoring of new advances in the business world. A manager must shape his company into a flexible organization that can learn from and respond to fast-changing environments. Another critical aspect of success is the proper placement of technological developments within the corporation. Technology enables a

manager to direct and control operations in a multitude of business environments. And with the growing availability of technology to all competitors, a manager must properly implement technological initiatives to give his company a market advantage. In a world fraught with intense competition, ideas are the ultimate tool of a successful corporation. In order to be recognized and chosen by customers, a company must be both creative and unique. A

manager?s responsibility thus includes stimulating new ideas and innovations that will push the company forward in the marketplace.

In the field of finance, globalization compels managers to make decisions in the shadow of uncertainty. Numerous forces affect international capital markets. As the markets become more and more integrated, changes in one region will initiate chain reactions that can

eventually affect all others. One such example is the Asian currency crisis of 1997, which is still affecting the world?s economy today. However, as the world moves toward common standards of financial governance and market valuation, new opportunities have arisen for international financial operations. Financial managers must therefore look for innovative ways to manage risk.

Every global corporation will have to address the cultural and legal differences among

countries to protect corporate assets and earnings. This requires that the financial manager play a larger role in the company?s decision-making process to develop strategies that address these concerns. He must keep abreast of new resources for international financing that arise from improvements in the financial service industry. Globalization has also triggered new

operation standards. Citigroup, for instance, is a one-stop destination for finance services that include commercial banking, investment banking, insurance, and retail brokerage. Much like traditional industries where returns to scale are critical to achieving maximum profitability, Citigroup demonstrates that providing such a variety of options to customers ensures a continued revenue stream.

Tackling the global economy is a task every manager must be prepared to meet. In addition to knowledge of international business, he must have such skills as leadership, communication and organization, as well as the ability to guide his company through any form of change. As the leader in global management education, Sloan is uniquely positioned to equip its students with cutting-edge business knowledge and skills. In addition, the school's international environment grants first-hand exposure to how people of different cultures think, act, and

communicate. Acquiring these crucial skills is the key to any future that involves globalization. Essay 2:

No MBA program can be truly exceptional unless it fulfills three crucial criteria. First, it must pursue constant innovation and improvement in its business education. Additionally, it must also address international issues that will prepare students for the challenges of working in a

global economy. Lastly, it must combine theoretical training with practical business skills, thereby allowing students to keep abreast of current trends and to master every nuance of management.

The Carroll School not only meets these criteria, but also adds to them the strengths of creativity and flexibility. For years, its MBA program has given students the cutting-edge experience needed to succeed, as well as superior preparation for handling the most

complicated of business operations. Yet the Carroll School?s education is not confined to the classroom.

In addition to exceptional instruction on campus, each student receives the opportunity to develop a real-world understanding of the inner workings of a business environment. The Carroll School?s extensive list of business associations and its alumni network provide ample scope for gaining invaluable hands-on experience. It is therefore no wonder that its MBA program is renowned for molding trailblazers in business and financial management. Furthermore, the Carroll School is truly committed to building global managerial skills. Its dedication to international education extends beyond its highly rated focus on international issues to the actual atmosphere of the school. The diversity of cultures and backgrounds in the student body is a constant source of experience in the habits and attitudes of other peoples. This both strengthens global thinking and lays the foundation for an effective future as a manager in an international economy.

I feel confident that the Carroll School?s MBA program will prepare me for a successful career in financial consulting, and I look forward to the opportunities it will afford me in the years to come.

? Business School Essay - Army to Business School:

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I just wanted to drop a quick note and thank you and the EssayEdge staff for all of your

assistance in putting together my essays. I've got good news! XXX, my university of choice, offered me a place in this years MBA program. I couldn't have done it without you guys! Your

editing gave me a lot more confidence in my own writing skills and in my story in general. Thanks again! I will recommend your services.

Unedited Version (the "Before")

Please give a brief evaluation of yourself as a leader

In order to give an accurate evaluation of myself as a leader, I think it is important to discuss some of the events that molded my leadership skills. Having served as a Non-commissioned officer in the United States Marine Corps, I was in a position that allowed me to learn and develop valuable leadership skills. The Marine Corps places great emphasis on the

characteristic of leadership, believing that great leaders are not born, they are properly trained. Leadership in the Marine Corps is more complicated than the simple management of

employees. I learned this lesson the hard way, being thrust into a management position as my unit was being shipped over seas during the Persian Gulf War. As a newly promoted Corporal, I was given the job of night crew supervisor in charge of 15 other marines. In the Marine Corps, the person in charge is not only held accountable for the work getting done but also the performance and conduct of their marines. At the ripe old age of 21 I was put in the position too not only lead these marines, but to take some responsibility for their personal lives and general welfare. This being my second time over seas, I understood many of the difficulties that a young marine can have on their first extended trip away from their family. I enjoyed helping my marines over come their problems, and learned that the benefits were well worth the time that I invested. I discovered that employees who have the support of their

management tend to be more focused on the tasks at hand, gaining levels of trust and loyalty that can only benefit the organization.

Another unique aspect of the Marine Corps is that a manager must come up with a means other than direct compensation in order to motivate employees. It can be very difficult at times to be in charge of individuals, yet have no direct control over their salaries or advancement in the organization. The government decides military salaries, and promotions are controlled by boards with the primary means of measurement being time in service. Because of this, I

learned that good leadership is based on mutual respect. I believe it is much more important to gain the trust and confidence of your employees than to use direct compensation in order to motivate.

Throughout my Marine Corps career and beyond I developed many strong leadership skills, but most of all I learned that to be effective as a manager one must remain focused on the human aspect of leadership. This experience will be one of many contributions that I hope to make to the academic environment at the Anderson School of Business.

Edited Version (the "After")

Please give a brief evaluation of yourself as a leader

By serving as a noncommissioned officer in the United States Marine Corps, I learned and developed valuable leadership skills that would prove crucial to my success as a leader and to my ability to gain the respect of my subordinates. The Marine Corps places great emphasis on leadership characteristics, believing that great leaders are not born, they are properly trained. I submitted to grueling training on my way to becoming an officer in the Marines, and I believe this training gives me the foundation of strong leadership skills that I will need to succeed in corporate America.

Leadership in the Marine Corps is more complicated than the simple management of

employees. I learned this lesson the hard way, being thrust into a management position as my unit was being shipped overseas during the Persian Gulf War. As a newly promoted Corporal, I was given the job of night crew supervisor in charge of 15 other marines. In the Marine Corps, leaders are not only held accountable for their assigned tasks but also for the performance and conduct of their marines. At the age of 21, I had the responsibility not only to carry out my orders but also to safeguard the lives and protect the general welfare of my men. This being my second time overseas, I understood many of the difficulties that a young marine can have on their first extended trip away from their family. I enjoyed helping my marines overcome their problems, and learned that the benefits were well worth the time that I invested. I discovered that employees who have the support of their management tend to be more focused on the tasks at hand, gaining levels of trust and loyalty that can only benefit the organization.

Related to this issue of gaining trust and loyalty through management supportiveness is that the Marine Corps requires creative means to motivate subordinates. It can be very difficult at times to be in charge of individuals, yet have no direct control over their salaries or

advancement in the organization. The government decides military salaries, and promotions are controlled by boards with the primary means of measurement being time in service. For this reason, I learned to manage through mutual respect. [CAN YOU GIVE A CONCRETE EXAMPLE TO ILLUSTRATE HOW YOU MANAGE / MOTIVATE THROUGH MUTUAL RESPECT (1-2 SENTENCES)] I believe it is much more important to gain the trust and confidence of your employees than to use direct compensation to motivate them.

Throughout my Marine Corps career and beyond, I developed many strong leadership skills, but most of all I learned that to be effective as a manager one must remain focused on the human aspect of leadership. By concentrating too much on the goal and not on the people needed to meet it, leaders risk alienating their employees and thus risk failure in achieving the goal itself. By leveraging the lessons and qualities I gained while serving as an officer in the Marine Corps, I hope to meaningfully contribute to the academic environment at the Anderson School of Business.

? Graduate School - Veterinary Medicine:

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I cannot thank you enough for editing my essay. You took what I said, kept the same tone and modified it to make it sound great!! I will keep you posted on how I make out with my graduate school applications.

Unedited Version:

Unedited version will contain poor writing and uncorrected typos. To view the edited version and critique, please .

Question: Describe your interest in animal issues; why do you want to pursue a Masters of Science in Animals and Public Policy? What do you feel this program will give you?

It didn?t happen in one day. I look back, and try to determine the month or year when I started to see things differently but I can?t pin down any specific time or event. Was it when I first read Jane Goodall?s “In the Shadow of Man”? Or in junior high when talk of endangered species, habitat loss, acid rain, and ozone layer depletion became common knowledge? Did it occur when I had to euthanize my first litter of kittens because of pet overpopulation? When I saw David Suzuki give a live talk on deforestation and our ecological foot print? Was it when in college I learned the truth about how we farm our food? I don?t know but somewhere along the way recycling pop bottles, not using aerosol cans and making sure my animals were neutered and well cared for wasn?t enough.

All of my experiences have helped me grow into who I am today. Animals have always been a large part of my life. I grew up in rural Canada as an only child for the first six years of my life and my pets were my constant companions. I played make believe not with dolls or other little girls but with the barn cats, who were nice enough to tolerate the dresses and baby carriages. My sheep dog Charlie treated me as one of his flock and was constantly moving me from place to place as he saw fit. When my sister and cousins were born they became part of my circle of friends but Charlie and all the others were never excluded. I thought everyone loved animals.

My first experience with animal cruelty came when I was in grade four. Some older kids took one of my classmates tied him to a tree and tortured his kitten in front of him. I still remember the description of the torture from the newspaper. The kitten had sticks shoved trough his body and his eyes had been gouged out. I cried for weeks afterwards. I don?t know what happened to the two boys who perpetrated this awful deed. Unfortunately, I fear that most likely it was treated as a case of boys will be boys.

Since then I have seen first hand the many atrocities committed to animals while I worked at an SPCA. Dogs dragged behind snowmobiles, cats with their limbs frozen off, horses starved to death and innumerable puppies and kittens thrown away like so much garbage. I became

very committed to helping to stop the abuse. I helped with fund-raising and wrote letters protesting the unfair treatment of animals.

While earning my B.Sc. in Agriculture I learned that the family farm was an ideal of the past. Farming is big business. Overcrowding, antibiotic and pesticide use, clearcutting of the rainforest are all the result of factory farming. For reasons of personal health and

environmental protection, I made the decision to eat only free range meat. This proved to be difficult because it was often hard to obtain in small quantities and quite expensive for a

student. Finally because the cost became prohibitive, and so much of the literature on animal welfare and the environmental movement supported vegetarianism, I decided to seriously give it a try. This may have been the most difficult thing I had ever done. I loved meat. Nothing tasted better than a bloody rare barbecued steak or deliciously greasy bacon. I eventually managed to master my cravings, though in the beginning I did have my doubts. It took me two full years to become a lacto-ovo vegetarian.

Though I?ve always wanted to be a veterinarian my newfound concern for animal issues and the environment were pulling me in another direction. I had from the time I was a very little girl known exactly what I wanted. Now suddenly I was unsure. It was very daunting. Not

wanting to take a year off school I decided I would take some graduate courses and see where that led me. I was no better off. Nothing stirred my passion. So I took a year off to work and regroup. A few months ago, I came across a poster for the Master of Science in Animals and Public Policy. I though it was too good to be true. It was exactly what I was looking for but thought didn?t exist anywhere.

I still wish to pursue veterinary medicine but this program will allow me to develop my interest in an area that has become all important to me. I want people to open their eyes and

remember the wonder we felt as children when we saw our first giraffe. We have all become too blase to the beauty that surrounds us. I want to help preserve what?s left. I want cases of animal abuse treated as the serious crimes they are. I want us to acknowledge our kinship with animals and to stop treating them as objects to use and discard as our whims dictate. I believe that one person can make a difference and through this program could help me accomplish many of my goals.

Our world is spiraling out of control. Were losing species of plants and animals forever before we even knew they existed. Today my friends ask me how I go on caring so much about so many issues? The real question is how can we go on not caring?

Critique for the Edited Version.

Dear XXX,

The essay is colorful and comprehensive -- I am impressed by your ability to enumerate your qualifications for the program while rendering the essay clear and easy to read (almost

story-like). The text did have a few weak points: here and there the grammar and phrasing were awkward; a couple of transitional passages were too abrupt or missing; and the conclusion was a bit too abstract.

In your note you mention you are looking for a title; this is highly unnecessary in an application essay. If you are going to print out the page on a separate sheet of paper, simply include the question in italics at the top and then follow with the text.

The word count right now is 920; some of the corrections required expansion of the text, so unless something else comes up that you feel you absolutely must include, don't worry about "filling it in" to meet the exact word count. I did note a few points where you might want to add information to make the passages more concrete (more on this later).

I have made notes on the more substantial changes and suggestions and will write them out here below, point by point.

As for the minor changes, we concentrated on refining your language, highlighting your most vivid and interesting ideas, and making the logic of your ideas stand out clearer. We

rephrased passages that contained slightly awkward English, eliminated phrases or sentences that seemed extraneous or repetitive, and varied the vocabulary to render the text more lucid and interesting.

1. RE: INTRODUCTION. I transformed two of the questions into a statement, because there were too many questions in a row and that made the rhythm uninteresting. By varying

sentence structure, you still have an opening that is compelling and vivid yet doesn't bog the reader down in a swamp of interrogatives.

2. RE: THE SENTENCE "Though I?ve always wanted to be a veterinarian, my newfound

concern for animal issues and the environment were pulling me in another direction." I altered this section because, although you were right in trying to tie the two paragraphs together with a transitional sentence, the logic wasn't terribly clear. Your activism, after all, is very much *complementary* to your vegetarianism. I rephrased the passage so as to maintain the

transitional quality of the sentence while highlighting the positive (i.e. complementary) aspect of the two activities.

3. RE: GRADUATE COURSES. This is something you might add in a word or two. What were the graduate courses in? Agriculture? It's best to make clear that the courses

themselves weren't in the same field you hope to study at Tufts -- because you state you were uninspired by them. So make sure you eliminate any suspicion the reader might have by including the subject of those courses.

4. RE: YEAR OFF WORK EXPERIENCE. Here is something else you might also add in a word or two. Where did you work during your year off? I thought it was perhaps the SPCA,

but that came so early on in the piece that it's very unclear what you did during your year off. State that clearly, especially if it's animal-related.

5. RE: MISSING TRANSITION: You needed a transition between stuff on farming and your decision to become a vegetarian, because the change of topic there seemed abrupt. I rephrased it to make the transition smoother.

6. RE: VET MEDICINE: Do you plan to pursue vet medicine after you finish the

program? That's what I assumed, but if it's not, make sure your intent reads clearly.

7. RE: CONCLUSION: Along the same line, the one line of argument that seemed to be missing was the connection between veterinary science and policy. Apart from the obvious fact that through both activities you would be helping animals, it wasn't very clear from the original essay how you planned to eventually combine these two educations. I addressed this by connecting the two with the following sentence:

"By understanding and shaping animal welfare policy, I believe that I will be able to leverage my knowledge of veterinary medicine to make a powerful case in defense of animal rights." If you already have a clear idea of the type of job or day-to-day activity that you think you'll end up pursuing (i.e. have a veterinary practice but also work as a consultant for the SPCA), you might want to explain that in more detail. But that's highly optional; the essay, as it stands, at least makes the connection between the two programs more concrete.

8. RE: CONCLUDING PARAGRAPH. OK, I scrapped it. It was too abstract and

dreamy. On the cheesy side. It's best not too wax poetic right at the end, especially when the body of your essay is already both colorful and persuasive. By wrapping up with the previous paragraph, the text doesn't just peter out -- it ends on a concrete and memorable note. As a result, the entire essay feels tighter and more cohesive.

Congratulations on a great job and a very interesting career, and best of luck with the application process.

Regards,

Edited Essay:

Describe your interest in animal issues; why do you want to pursue a Masters of Science in Animals and Public Policy?; What do you feel this program will give you?

It didn't happen in one day. When I look back and try to pinpoint the moment when I started to see things differently, too many events come to mind. Was it when I first read Jane Goodall's "In the Shadow of Man"? Or in junior high, when talk of endangered species, habitat loss, acid rain, and ozone layer depletion became commonplace? Did it occur when I had to euthanize my first litter of kittens because of pet overpopulation? There are other

possibilities: when I saw David Suzuki give a live talk on deforestation and our ecological foot print, for instance, or during college, when I learned about the harmful effects of large-scale farming.

Somewhere along the way, I realized that I needed to do more than merely recycle pop bottles, avoid aerosol cans, and make sure my animals were neutered and well cared for. All of these experiences have helped me develop the awareness that drives me today. Animals have always played a significant role in my life. I grew up in rural Canada as an only child for the first six years of my life, and during that time my pets were my constant companions. I played make-believe not with dolls or other little girls, but with the barn cats, who were nice enough to tolerate the dresses and baby carriages. My sheep dog Charlie treated me as one of his flock, herding me from place to place as he saw fit. When my sister and cousins were born, they became part of my circle of friends, but Charlie and the other animals were never excluded from our games. I simply assumed everyone loved animals as much as I did.

My first experience with animal cruelty came when I was in fourth grade. Two older kids with a sadistic streak tied one of my classmates to a tree and tortured his kitten in front of him. I still remember the description of the torture from the newspaper: the kitten had sticks shoved trough his body, and his eyes had been gouged out. I cried for weeks afterwards. I don't know what happened to the two boys, but I suspect that the incident was treated as yet another case of "boys will be boys."

Since then, I have since witnessed first-hand many other atrocities committed against animals while working at an SPCA. Dogs dragged behind snowmobiles, cats with their limbs frozen off, horses starved to death, and innumerable puppies and kittens thrown away like so much garbage. Determined to help stop the abuse, I became involved with activism and policy,

assisting in fund-raising activities and writing letters protesting the unfair treatment of animals. While earning my B.Sc. in Agriculture, I learned that the family farm was an ideal of the past. Farming has become big business, and the results of large-scale operations include

overcrowding, antibiotic and pesticide use, and clearcutting of the rainforest. Knowing that I had to contribute to environmental protection on a personal level, I made the decision to eat only free range meat. Limiting my meat consumption proved no easy task, since free range meat is often hard to obtain in small quantities and prohibitively expensive for a

student. Finally, convinced by the literature on animal welfare and the environmental movement supporting complete abstinence from meat consumption, I decided to give

vegetarianism a try. Giving up meat was perhaps the most difficult thing I have ever done.

Nothing tasted better than a bloody rare barbecued steak or strips of deliciously greasy bacon, yet I knew that proper policy-making had to start with personal sacrifices. It took me two full years to master my cravings and become a lacto-ovo vegetarian.

Vegetarianism complemented my ever-increasing interest in animal issues and

environmentalism. I have known, from the time I was a little girl that I want to be a

veterinarian, but my newfound concern for policy suddenly opened up several new doors. At first, the abundance of possibilities was daunting. Not wanting to take a year off school, I decided to enroll in a few graduate courses and see where they led me. I was no better off: nothing stirred my passion. As a result, I took a year off to work and regroup. A few

months ago, I came across a poster for the Master of Science in Animals and Public Policy. I though it was too good to be true: the program seemed to match my background, interest and aspirations perfectly. I had no idea such a program actually existed.

I still plan to pursue veterinary medicine, but XXX's program will allow me to develop my

interest in an area that has become all-important to me. My interest in animal welfare, after all, is not restricted to helping individual animals: I believe that I can complement my veterinary practice by opening people's eyes and helping them remember the wonder we feel as children seeing our first giraffe. We have become dangerously blasé about the beauty that surrounds us, and I believe that, in order to preserve what is left, cases of animal abuse must be treated as serious crimes. By understanding and shaping animal welfare policy, I believe that I will be able to leverage my knowledge of veterinary medicine to make a powerful case in defense of animal rights. I believe that one person can make a difference, and I have no doubt that XXX's program is the most efficient way for me to attain my objective.

? Graduate School in Literature - Wordy Original:

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Thanks for your awesome work on my essay!!! At first I was a little skeptical about your

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Unedited Version:

Unedited version will contain poor writing and uncorrected typos. To view the edited version and critique, please .

Submit a statement of purpose, indicating your academic interests and life experiences that have contributed to your long-term career goals.

Ngugi wa Thiong'o, an influential Kenyan author and NYU professor, introduced me to the study of African literature with a statement that continues to be the impetus of my academic goals and interests. During one of his Postcolonial African Literature classes, he stated that by adopting reading and writing as the chief form of social communication, a civilization is truly freeing itself to forget its own values, because those values no longer have to be part of a lived reality to have significance. A first-year undergraduate with a blind faith and deep passion for literature, I always cherished the idea that the written word has the ability to alter individual lives, to shape one's own identity and potentially, national identity. With Professor Ngugi's statement, however, I was confronted with the notion of literature not as an agent of vital

change, but as a potential instrument of stasis and social stagnancy, and I began to question. How does "literature" function away from the written page, in the lives of individuals and societies? Furthermore, what is the significance of the written word in a society where the construction of history is not necessarily recorded or even linear?

Driven to examine these issues, I found that the general scope of comparative literature fell short of my expectations because it didn't allow students to question the inherent integrity or subjectivity of their discourse. We were told to approach Asian, African, European, and

American texts with the same tools of analysis, ignoring the fact that within each culture (and numerous subcultures), literature may function in a different capacity and with a completely different sense of urgency. Seeking out ways in which literature tangibly impacted societies therefore led me naturally into other fields, including history, philosophy, anthropology,

language, and performance studies. I believe the nature of this work is best represented in my independently-researched senior thesis entitled "Time Out of Joint: Issues of Temporality in the Songs of Okot p'Bitek," which, in addition to my own literary interpretations, drew heavily on p'Bitek's cultural treatises and outside anthropological, psychological and philosophical works. This interdisciplinary direction helped me to understand not only the meaning of the literary works themselves, but what I believe is more important, it gave me insight into the state of the Ugandan society and popular psychology that gave birth to the horrific Idi Amin regime. In addition, I was able to realize how people interacted with the works and incorporated or failed to incorporate them into their individual, social and political realities.

In the future, I seek to continue exploring these issues by integrating the study of social,

cultural and linguistic anthropology into the realm of literature. In doing so, I believe methods of inquiry can be developed which will allow interpretation of works that are both technically sound and sociologically insightful. My studies thus far have concentrated largely on African and Caribbean literatures in general terms, and I am very interested in studying these parts of the world in more specific national historical and cultural contexts. I also seek to increase my knowledge of African languages as a tool to study the lingering cultural impact of colonialism in modern day African literatures written in European languages. My faith in the tangible power of the written word that led me into the study of literature as a young student is my driving force today and will be for the foreseeable future. My ultimate goal is to gain the knowledge and tools necessary to illuminate that power to others.

I believe the Modern Thought and Literature program at Stanford is uniquely positioned to guide me in reaching these aims. I was thrilled to find a program that approaches world

literature with a cross-disciplinary focus, recognizing that the written word has the potential to be an entry point for social and cultural inquiry. The level of scholarly work that the department has produced also excites me about my hopeful future there. In particular, the work of Akhil Gupta, especially in Culture, Power, Place, was one of my first and most important

experiences with the field of cultural anthropology. His complicating of the traditionally drawn local, national and foreign realms through the discussion of post-colonial displacement and mixed identifications first led me to believe that comparative literature's focus on national and linguistic borders was fairly arbitrary in the modern world. Much more significant is the accurate rendering of individual lived realities that may then be synthesized with other

experiences. I believe that I could greatly benefit from his teaching and guidance in applying these ideas to the literary arena. I am also eager to learn from many other scholars in the department, contribute to a vital academic and practical discourse, and venture down paths that I may, as yet, not have imagined.

Critique for the Edited Version.

Dear XXX,

You are, no doubt, a strong and vivid writer, yet the essay did indeed contain a few weak points, as well as a number of information gaps.

The personal statement was structurally solid, but your tendency to "over-write" sentences times obscured the meaning of what you were trying to express. You managed to pack a lot of information into the piece; my job, then, was to draw on this information in order to clarify your ideas by both refining your language and shoring up your arguments.

Regarding the info gaps: there were a number of questions that popped into my head as I read your essay. Naturally, the answers to some of these will be clear from the remainder of your application, but as a rule of thumb (and for the sake of clarity) it's best to make the essay as self-contained and thorough as possible.

When did you graduate, and what have you been doing since? Why did you take this

job? How does this experience relate to your academic experiences and goals? What degree program are you applying to? Why do you want to pursue this degree? Do you want to become a professor?

In revising your essay, I attempted to blend in answers to these questions into the text. I left blanks here and there where you should fill in simple facts, but in general I tried to extrapolate answers from your note and original essay.

I rephrased passages that contained awkward English, eliminated words that seemed extraneous or repetitive, and in a couple of spots varied the vocabulary and the length of sentences.

I took notes on the more substantial changes (they do not reflect nearly all the changes), as well as certain passages that you might want to consider elaborating on (by paragraph): NOTES

General

Some of the paragraphs were unnecessarily long. I broke them up into separate paragraphs. P1

RE: " He argued that, when a civilization adopts reading and writing as the chief form of social communication, it truly frees itself to forget its own values, because those values no longer have to be part of a lived reality in order to have significance."

You might want to consider rewriting this sentence to make the meaning a little clearer -- I found it rather confusing, perhaps because you are trying to convey an epiphany involving a rather complicated concept in a single sentence. This might, of course, be not much of a problem for an academic well-versed in such theories, but in general it's good to set layman's comprehension as your standard for clear writing.

Are you sure you don't need to identify p'Bitek? Is it safe to assume that your readers will all know who he is?

I added a paragraph. As I mentioned earlier, what was missing in the essay was your take on your work experience, and the challenge there was how to bridge the gap from your otherwise highly theoretical/academic explanations with the more concrete stuff (especially why you left academe to work for a while, and why you now want to go back to the books). I tried to make the transition smooth by connecting the two ideas, especially at the beginning of this

paragraph. Since I have no idea what you have done since you graduated, or for how long, I simply plugged in randomly made-up info. ( Well, not so random, actually -- it's what I myself used to do before I left my own dynamic, high-pay-prospects job to attend grad school.)

RE: "...methods of inquiry can be formulated that allow for the interpretation of works that are both technically sound and sociologically insightful"

This part of the sentence was very confusing. Do you mean that the *interpretation* itself would be technically sound and sociologically insightful, or that those methods of inquiry would allow for the interpretation of sound, insightful works? If you mean the latter, why do you need to characterize the words as sound and insightful? Shouldn't the emphasis be on the quality of the interpretation?

Sorry if I sound like a broken record, but it gives you a sense of how badly the phrase needs clarification.

RE: "I also seek to increase my knowledge of African languages, which will allow me to study the lingering cultural impact of colonialism in modern day African literatures written in European languages."

This sentence was also confusing. If you are going to study literature written in European languages, why do you want to learn African languages? I have no doubt you need both, but there seems to be a contradiction within the sentence itself.

RE: "My faith in the tangible power of the written word that led me into the study of literature as a young student is my driving force today and will be for the foreseeable future. My ultimate goal is to gain the knowledge and tools necessary to illuminate that power to others."

Too vague, too vague. What if we just take those sentences out? You've already made the point.

RE: "His complicating of the traditionally drawn local, national and foreign realms through the discussion of post-colonial displacement and mixed identifications first led me to believe that comparative literature's focus on national and linguistic borders was fairly arbitrary in the modern world"

A great example of an over-complicated sentence. Some of the phrasing is a bit

awkward. What do you mean, for instance, by Gupta's complicating? Is there a better way to phrase this?

Same for "the traditionally drawn": I'm not sure what you mean. I'll venture below an interpretation of the sentence:

"Professor Gupta's analysis of the local, national, and foreign realms, achieved through a discussion of post-colonial displacement and mixed identifications, has led to me believe

that -- given the complexity of modern societies --comparative literature's focus on borders (national and linguistic) has been excessively arbitrary."

But please make sure to revise if my interpretation is completely off-target.

In the revised version, the logic of the text is clearer, the narrative is more complete, and your arguments are better structured -- without having sacrificed the persuasive tone and efficient analysis of your writing.

Best luck with the admissions process.

Regards,

Edited Essay:

My freshman year [at which college?], I was sitting in a Postcolonial African Literature class when Professor Ngugi wa Thiong'o (the influential Kenyan author) succeeded in attracting me to the study of African literature through nothing more than a single sentence. He argued that, when a civilization adopts reading and writing as the chief form of social communication, it frees itself to forget its own values, because those values no longer have to be part of a lived reality in order to have significance. I was immediately fascinated by the idea that the written word can alter individual lives, affect one's identity, and perhaps even shape national identity. Professor Ngugi's proposal forced me to think in a radically new way: I was finally confronted with the notion of literature not as an agent of vital change, but as a potential instrument of stasis and social stagnancy. I began to question the basic assumptions with which I had, until then, approached the field. How does "literature" function away from the written page, in the lives of individuals and societies? What is the significance of the written word in a society where the construction of history is not necessarily recorded or even linear?

I soon discovered that the general scope of comparative literature fell short of my expectations because it didn't allow students to question the inherent integrity or subjectivity of their

discourse. We were being told to approach Asian, African, European, and American texts with the same analytical tools, ignoring the fact that, within each culture, literature may function in a different capacity, and with a completely different sense of urgency. Seeking out ways in which literature tangibly impacted societies, I began to explore other fields, including history, philosophy, anthropology, language, and performance studies.

The interdisciplinary nature of my work is best illustrated by my senior thesis ("Time Out of Joint: Issues of Temporality in the Songs of Okot p'Bitek"). In addition to my literary

interpretations, the thesis drew heavily on both the Ugandan author's own cultural treatises and other anthropological, psychological, and philosophical texts. By using tools from other disciplines, I was able to interpret the literary works while developing insight into the Ugandan society and popular psychology that gave birth to the horrific Idi Amin regime. In addition, I was able to further understand how people interacted with the works and incorporated (or failed to incorporate) them into their individual, social, and political realities.

On a more practical level, writing the thesis also confirmed my suspicion that I would like to pursue an academic career. When I finished my undergraduate career, I felt that a couple of years of professional work would give me a better perspective of graduate school. I decided to secure a position which would grant me experiences far removed from the academic world, yet which would also permit me to continue developing the research and writing skills I needed to tackle the challenges of graduate school. I have fulfilled this goal by working as a [content developer] at a [Silicon Alley web start-up] for [two years]. The experience has been both enjoyable and invaluable -- to the point where colleagues glance at me with a puzzled look when I tell them I am leaving the job to return to school. In fact, my willingness to leave such a dynamic, high-paying job to pursue my passion for literature only reflects my keen

determination to continue along the academic path.

Through a [Masters] program, I plan to further explore the issues I confronted during my

undergraduate years by integrating the study of social, cultural, and linguistic anthropology into the realm of literature. I believe that, by adopting tools used in such disciplines, methods of inquiry can be formulated that allow for the interpretation of works that are both technically sound and sociologically insightful. Thus far, my studies have concentrated largely on African and Caribbean literatures, and I am particularly interested in studying these geographic areas in more specific historical and cultural contexts. I also seek to increase my knowledge of African languages, which will allow me to study the lingering cultural impact of colonialism in modern-day African literature. Eventually, I would like to secure an academic post in a Comparative Literature department, devoting myself to both research and teaching at the college level.

I believe the Modern Thought and Literature program at XXX is uniquely equipped to guide me toward these objectives. While searching for a graduate school that would accommodate my interdisciplinary approach, I was thrilled to find a program that approaches world literature with a cross-disciplinary focus, recognizing that the written word has the potential to be an entry point for social and cultural inquiry.

The level of scholarly research produced by the department also attracts me. Akhil Gupta's "Culture, Power, Place", for instance, was one of my first and most influential experiences with the field of cultural anthropology. Professor Gupta's analysis of the local, national, and foreign realms, achieved through a discussion of post-colonial displacement and mixed identifications, has led me to believe that -- given the complexity of modern societies -- comparative

literature's focus on borders (national and linguistic) has been excessively arbitrary. Even

more significant is the accurate rendering of individually-lived realities that may then be synthesized with other experiences. I believe that I could greatly benefit from Professor

Gupta's teaching and guidance in applying these ideas to the literary arena, and I believe that his work is representative of the rigorous yet creative approach I would pursue upon joining the department.

? Law School Personal Statement - Personal Identity:

Sample Work

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Praise

The below edit and critique earned this comment from the customer:

I just received and read your editing of my personal statement. What an incredibly talented job you did on my essay. I cannot say thank you enough. It far exceeded any expectations I had and I really wanted to let you know right away my appreciation and gratitude. I love the

smoothing and clarity you added to my work. It is now really interesting to read the essay, even to myself and I already know what it says! I don't know if you normally work on the weekends (we do), but I was floored to see it in my email today. I will look it over more carefully when I come down off my "cloud 9" feeling. If there are any changes I want to make, I will certainly work with you so I can keep the impact this essay makes.

Unedited Version:

Unedited version will contain poor writing and uncorrected typos. To view the edited version and critique, please .

In life, accomplishments of goals drive us to excel. Practicing law is a very important stepping stone to fulfilling my aspirations. Being raised in an environment conducive to team work, my parents instilled in me the conviction to lead. This conviction has carried me from elementary school through my collegiate career.

Practicing law is a very integral part in accomplishing my life long goal of being a great civil servant. From the first day I could remember, I knew my life was headed in a direction to help others. My parents raised me with a gift to care and touch the lives of people around

me. The first ever honor I received came in second grade. Mrs. XXX presented me with an award at the end of the school year. I received the, "Most Likely to be a Peace Maker,"

award. When I wonder where my life is headed, and I question my goals, my mother always seems to point to this event. She, undoubtedly, knows that I will one day "be a Peace Maker," somewhere, and somehow. Through high school, and college I searched for my identity. I

looked at many possible career paths that matched my personality. The only answer I would always come to was law.

My dream is to one day make a significant impact on our society. A vast majority of Florida and United States congressmen are lawyers. Law School is without doubt the path which will lead me to my calling. I plan to one day touch the lives of as many people as God has planned. He has molded me into an individual who cares mostly about his

surroundings. This conviction is deep rooted in my everyday routine, and my overall life. Day to day, I have a burning desire to impact others. It all began around the beginning my sophomore year in high school, I found a niche with my fellow students. I began serving in student government as the voice of my constituents. As time progressed, I felt more

comfortable with stepping outside of the box. I realized that God had given a gift to speak, and touch lives in a very positive way. In May of my sophomore year, I attended the Hugh O'Brien Youth Seminar. This weekend-long leadership program focused my attention to excel in society. It taught me how to think, not what to think.

I quickly realized the difference I could make in my world. From that short weekend forth, my life changed drastically. The leadership conference put new and unique tools in my hands and then immediately put me in an environment to use these new tools through the whole weekend. I was awakened to new ways of doing things that resulted in immediate results in interaction with my fellow peers. I began to search for answers and I was hungry for more of these kind of tools. Law school became a clearer and stronger goal. Through high school, and well into college, I was finding myself. I embarked on numerous extracurricular activities including presiding over the Greek and American Student Association, partaking in the Hugh O'Brien Youth State executive Board, and coaching various volleyball teams in the Gainesville area, all while holding down a full time job at the Home Depot, and attending the University of Florida.

During the 2000 Jr. Olympic Volleyball National Championships in Kentucky, I realized the fruits of my labor. The eleven fourteen-year-old girls on my team brought me a great sense of accomplishment. Through the year, sixteen-hundred teams competed to enter this tournament, and sixty-four were invited. Being a small town of population less then

three-hundred thousand, we somehow managed to compile a team that finished ninth in the nation. When the last ball hit the floor, I looked up and wondered why God had given me such an honor. It was clearly one of the greatest moments of my life. The lesson learned was a great one. I realized that my ability to motivate others pays off. Law will definitely lead me down the path where I can continue finding these opportunities. At first, I may be helping one person at a time. As my aspirations become reality, I wish to be impacting whole cities or states. I believe that God has blessed me with these kinds of experiences.

During the three years of working at the Home Depot, I learned a vast amount about team work, customer service, and real-world workers. I found that my experiences in directly dealing with blue collar, middle-income customers and associates add great perspective on

my life. I feel this experience is most beneficial because I may one day represent all different classes of people both in the courtroom and in the political arena.

The XXX has offered me a great education, and XXX has given me great opportunities to exercise my dreams. I feel that I was offered a diverse lifestyle, and dealt with many types of individuals in my years there. After having visited XXX, I was immediately turned on to the small school atmosphere. I felt comfortable with the campus, and had a feeling of

welcome. Ken, the admissions counselor, gave me a tour of the facility, and I was

impressed. He made me feel at home, and I hadn't even applied. I was most impressed with the openness of the faculty. Bob introduced me to Ms. XXX, and she was very welcoming. Attending XXX University Law School will be a very fruitful path in utilizing my character,

beliefs, and experiences to their utmost potential. It is my vision and my opportunity to make an important difference while attending Law school at XXX.

Critique for the Edited Version.

Dear XXX,

My name is XXX, and I will be your editor throughout the EssayEdge revision process. My area of expertise is law school admissions, so I hope I can help you craft the perfect law school personal statement.

You have the basics of a very good essay here. I took the essence of your essay and revised its structure, grammar, and style, bringing to it the elegance and sophistication that will make you stand out from other applicants.

I focused on eliminating any grammatical or stylistic errors that detract from the flow of the essay. In addition, I broadened the vocabulary and made many changes to diction, and rewrote awkward sentences to aid the continuous flow of the essay. I also varied your sentence structure to keep the reader interested in the writing. Mostly, I tried to add more impact to your words by “cleaning up” your writing style. The manner in which thoughts are expressed can be quite as important as the actual ideas.

You will find that I rearranged your introduction significantly. The original version was

somewhat redundant and convoluted. The version below is designed to be clearer and more effective in gaining your reader?s attention.

While the below essay is a significant improvement to your original essay, to create a truly excellent admissions essay, you must include more specific details. For example, when discussing the leadership conference, you mention you learned many tools and ideas and

applied them to your life, but you never give a single concrete example. This type of abstract writing has no place in an admissions essay.

After reading your essay, I am not at all convinced that I would accept you. Your essay at times reads like a cliché. It really does not matter that attending law school will tremendously help you. What matters is that you have what it takes to attend law school. What have you done to prepare for law school? What admirable personal qualities do you possess, and more importantly, what life experiences demonstrate these qualities?

The next step is for you to look over this new version and make your own changes to it, then send it back to me at XXX@essayedge.com (you can simply respond to this email). I will then revise whatever you send me. Together, we should be able to create a great personal statement!

Edited Essay:

Throughout my life, I have always known that helping others would be an integral part of my career. My parents raised me with the belief that we must constantly strive to touch the lives of the people around us. In the second grade, I received the first reward of my academic

career: my teacher Mrs. Horodowich presented me with the “Most Likely to be a Peace Maker” award. In later years, whenever I began wondering where my life was headed, my mother would remind me of that award. She has never questioned her conviction that I will one day “be a Peace Maker” somewhere and somehow.

During high school and college, I searched for my identity. I looked at many possible career paths, yet I always came back to law. It is the only profession that perfectly matches my personality and goals, and gives me the ability to fulfill my lifelong dream of making a

significant impact on our society through civil service. A vast majority of Florida and United States congressmen are lawyers; the legal profession seems ideally suited to such a calling. I believe that God has molded me into the type of individual who cares strongly about his surroundings, and cannot be happy unless he is impacting those around him in a positive

way. This conviction is deeply rooted in my everyday routine and in my overall life. I want to touch the lives of as many people as I can.

My burning desire to impact others has been with me throughout my life, but became most firm during my sophomore year in high school. I began serving in student government as the voice of my constituents. As time progressed, I grew increasingly comfortable with stepping outside of the box. I realized that God had given me a gift to speak, and that I could use that

gift to benefit others. In May of my sophomore year, I attended the Hugh O?Brien Youth

Seminar, which taught me how to think, not what to think. I quickly realized the impact I could have in my everyday life. After that short weekend, my life changed drastically. The

leadership conference equipped me with new and unique tools that I could apply throughout my life. I grew hungry for more of these tools and ideas, and began to see law school as a place where I could acquire them.

Through high school and well into college, I continued finding myself. I participated in

numerous extracurricular activities, including presiding over the Greek and American Student Association, joining the Hugh O'Brien Youth State Executive Board, and coaching various volleyball teams in the Gainesville area, all while holding down a full time job at the Home

Depot and attending the University of Florida. During the 2000 Jr. Olympic Volleyball National Championships in Kentucky, I realized the fruits of my labor. Guiding the eleven

fourteen-year-old girls on my team to success brought me a great sense of accomplishment. Through the year, sixteen hundred teams competed to enter this tournament, and only sixty-four were invited. Although our team was from a small town with a population of less then three hundred thousand, we somehow managed to finish ninth in the nation. When the last ball hit the floor, I looked up and thanked God for giving me such an honor. It was one of the greatest moments of my life, and taught me a lesson that I will never forget. I realized that my ability to motivate others could lead to great achievements. Law will definitely enable me to continue finding such opportunities. At first, I may be helping one person at a time. Yet as time passes and my aspirations become reality, I envision myself impacting whole cities or states.

The XXX has offered me an excellent education, and XXX has given me great opportunities to exercise my dreams. However, I believe that I would gain more from attending a smaller, more personal institution. While visiting XXX in Miami, I found the small school atmosphere very exciting. I felt comfortable with the campus, and had a feeling of welcome. Bob, the

admissions counselor, gave me a tour of the impressive facility. He made me feel at home, even though I had yet to apply. I was most impressed with the openness of the faculty when Ken introduced me to XXX, who was very friendly and welcoming. I know that attending XXX will provide me with the educational foundation to fully realize my professional and personal goals. I hope to make an important difference in society; XXX will provide me the opportunity.

? Law School Essay - Overcoming Obstacle:

Sample Work

Praise

The below edit earned this comment from the customer:

I cannot thank you enough. You added the right touches to my essay. I feel a lot more

confident now than ever. Thank you so much for your time and work. I will keep in touch to let you know how things go. I definitely will recommend this service to my friends and I will keep it in mind for the future. Thanks again.

Unedited Version (the "Before")

No question

Early Thursday morning I began hallucinating. Sleep deprivation coupled with extreme physical exertion can do that to you. I had not had more than three hours of sleep since Sunday afternoon, the beginning of Hellweek. The statue of Liberty does not belong in San Diego, and I doubted those tigers racing along the shore were real. We were halfway finished with what our instructors dubbed, “The Long Paddle” and I was getting delirious. I could hear the officer in charge of our boat team having a heated discussion with Jenkins, problem was, Jenkins had quit the program two weeks earlier. For some reason it was reassuring to know that I wasn?t the only being affected by the exercise, even though it meant that I was stuck in a tiny inflatable boat with six other potential lunatics. Hellweek, I had been through some incarnation of it every year since peewee football. But there was no comparison to the

punishment that the United States Navy dishes out during Basic Underwater Demolition/SEAL Training (BUD/S).

The sixth week of BUD/S marks the beginning of Hellweek; a six-day celebration of misery designed to encourage the weaker candidates to quit. A cold snap had wreaked havoc on our class, by the last day of Hellweek more than two-thirds of our original class had quit. Soft sand beach runs wearing combat boots, twin steel scuba tanks and a facemask full of salt water, all the while soaking wet and covered in sand is encouragement enough to make most people question their desire to finish the program. But it is the cold that claims the most victims.

Shivering all night and well into the morning for days on end is enough to make a strong man weak, especially when a hot meal and a warm bed are so close. All anyone had to do to be delivered from this suffering was quit. Simply stand in front of your classmates and ring a silver ship?s bell three times and you could be on your way to a hot meal and a comfortable mattress. But I had set a goal for myself and I knew, even in that Thursday morning delirium, that quitting the program was not one of my options.

When I had applied to BUD/S and set a goal to become a frogman I was not an exceptionally gifted swimmer, an accomplished distance runner, and I had a more than healthy respect for heights. By the time that my training had been completed, swimming six miles in the open ocean was commonplace, running upwards of fifteen miles was the norm, and well, no one had to pushme out of an airplane although it would be hard to consider that commonplace. I have learned that by clearly defining ones goals, understanding the qualities needed to achieve that objective, and by systematically training to overcome weaknesses and

complementing strengths required to accomplish that goal, virtually any challenge can be met successfully.

My decision to attend law school was not one that came easily to me. After all, I have a

comfortable house in the suburbs, a happy marriage, and a beautiful daughter. My career as an accountant was working out as I had planned and I still had enough free time to pursue my hobbies. By all accounts I could maintain my status quo and coast happily through my life until my retirement party. But I can not do that to myself, I require challenges, arduous and demanding challenges. I want to contribute more to the workforce than capitalizing my company?s construction in progress.

I understand the rigors associated with the study of law and I am prepared to dedicate my time so that I may excel at understanding it?s theories and practices and in turn use that knowledge to better my professional career and my personal requirements to be the best at what I have set out to do. I believe that the qualities that make a successful law school graduate:

dedication to the pursuit of knowledge, ability to effectively argue and defend an opinion, and to plan, research, and execute a successful case are qualities that can pay off in many aspects of life.

I understand the challenges associated with the study of law, I have taken measures to improve on the skills that are necessary to complete a law school program, and I am ready, willing and prepared to accept those challenges so that I may become a successful attorney following my graduation.

Edited Version (the "After")

I began hallucinating early Thursday morning. My team and I were halfway finished with what our instructors dubbed “The Long Paddle,” and I could feel my sanity slowly slipping away. A combination of severe sleep deprivation and extreme physical exercise can do that to you. I had not had more than three hours of sleep since “Hellweek” had begun on Sunday afternoon. As I looked around me, I contemplated the extent of my delirium. I was reasonably certain that the Statue of Liberty did not stand in San Diego and that the tigers racing along the river bank did not exist. My ears picked up the sound of our boat?s leader having a heated argument with Jenkins, but Jenkins had quit the team two weeks ago.

Looking around me, I felt reassured seeing the confused expressions on my teammates? faces. Even though I was stuck in a tiny inflatable boat with six potential lunatics, I at least knew that I was not the only one being affected by the exercise. Hellweek. I had been through some

incarnation of it during each year of my life, ever since peewee football. But no previous “hell” could compare to the punishment that the United States Navy dishes out during Basic

Underwater Demolition/SEAL Training (BUD/S). Hellweek marks the sixth week of BUD/S, and is a six-day celebration of misery designed to eliminate weak candidates. Only the strong can survive it.

This year?s week of torment was heightened by an untimely cold spell; more than two thirds of our original class had already quit. Running on soft sand beaches while wearing combat boots, getting a facemask full of salt water while lugging twin steel scuba tanks on your back, being soaking wet and covered with sand, these are enough to make most people question their desire to finish the program. But it was the cold that claimed the most victims. We shivered through the nights and well into the mornings, the chill of the air seeping into our very bones. Visions of hot meals and warm beds haunted us; we knew that ending the suffering and the cold was as easy as quitting the program. And quitting was so very easy. Simply stand in front of your classmates and ring a silver ship?s bell three times . . . the temptation was nearly irresistible. But I had set a goal for myself and I knew, even in the midst of that Thursday morning delirium, that giving up was not an option.

The BUD/S program had already made a marked difference in my life. When I first decided to become a frogman, I was not a gifted swimmer or an accomplished distance runner, and I had a slight fear of heights. Over the course of my training, however, I routinely swam six miles into the open ocean and ran upwards of fifteen miles on land, and had jumped out of an airplane more than once. Moreover, I gained a sense of confidence in my ability to set and attain goals. I learned that virtually any challenge can be overcome by defining clear objectives,

understanding the qualities needed to achieve them, and then systematically overcoming weaknesses and complementing strengths to best approach the task.

For many months I agonized over the decision to attend law school. At this point in my life, I seem to have all I need: a comfortable house in the suburbs, a happy marriage, and a beautiful daughter. My career as an accountant is pleasant, and leaves me enough free time to pursue my hobbies. In short, I could have simply sailed happily through life toward my eventual

retirement party. But I realized that to do so would be to set a severe limit upon my potential. I require constant, arduous challenges that demand all of my resources, both physical and mental. I want to contribute more to the world than simply capitalizing on my current company?s success.

I understand fully the rigors associated with studying law, and I am prepared to dedicate as much time as it takes to understand its theories and practices. I believe that certain qualities distinguish a superior law school graduate: dedication to the pursuit of knowledge; the ability to effectively argue and defend an opinion; and the skills to plan, research, and execute a

watertight case. These qualities are vital to law, and can also reap extensive rewards in many other areas of life. I am ready, willing, and prepared to accept the challenges I will face during law school, and I look forward to forging a successful career, both as a student and as an attorney.

? Medical School Essay - Interest in Medicine:

Sample Work

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Praise

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Unedited Version:

Unedited version will contain poor writing and uncorrected typos. To view the edited version and critique, please .

Dr. XXX . . . For the past seven years of my life, my decision to become a doctor has been a devoted one. From the first day that I entered Mrs. Vandenburg's tenth grade Anatomy and Physiology class, my career ambitions were narrowed to one as I completely committed

myself to becoming a physician. During that semester of class I poured through every page of my textbook, fascinated and challenged by all that I learned. Night after night I stayed up memorizing the names of bones and muscles, systems and processes in early preparation for my career in medicine. Hungry for more information about the medical profession, I began reading literally dozens of books and journal articles written about the lives of physicians and the medical fields in which they served. As I finished High School and entered college, and now Graduate School, every class that I have taken, every decision I have made has been centered around one goal; to become a physician whole-heartedly committed to improving the physical and emotional lives of his patients.

Although my initial desires to become a physician sparked from my amazement and

fascination with science and the human body, my commitment to become a family physician stems from my family background and my overwhelming desire to help others. Growing up in a family with eight brothers and sisters, it seemed that someone always needed help either physically or emotionally. As a "big" brother to so many, I have been taught that helping others in need is more than a decision; it is a moral responsibility. This reality has led me to serve in many roles throughout my life; from Senior class president and a member of student council, to a continued dedication to volunteering in the community and at local hospitals throughout my life. Each week, despite my rigorous schedule of Graduate school, I have been able to help others by volunteering to cook and teach classes at the Wood County Center for Aging. The smiles from those I help and the wisdom that I gain, talking over lunch or playing pool with men from the Center continue to make the time continually reinforce my commitment to invest in the lives of others.

One of the first questions that I ask when I want to find out what motivates someone is whether they think primarily with their "heart" or with their "mind." In a single question, I can discover whether a person is pulled by his emotions or whether they're lives are structured by cognitive decisions. Although, my life has been structured by calculated decision making, my

overwhelming desire to display empathy and compassion for those around me defines who I am. I believe that in order to be a "complete" physician, one must be strongly motivated by both his mind and his heart. To me, the definition of a truly successful doctor is measured by his ability to meet both the physical and emotional needs of his patients. I know this to be true because although devoted life-long study and calculated decision making are what ultimately may save a patient?s life, it is focused attention and sincere compassion that can continue to make that patients life worth living.

Today, I continue in my unwavering journey toward becoming a physician by attending Graduate School at XXX University.

Here at Graduate School, I am more fascinated and determined than ever by the challenging classes I am taking, the cutting edge research I am participating in, and the rewarding teaching experience I am gaining. I believe that through the experiences I have gained above and beyond my undergraduate degree, I am more prepared than ever to meet the rigorous

challenges of Medical School. In the year that I have attended Graduate school evidence of my complete devotion to my goal is evident in everything that I have done. The A+ in every class I have taken, the research I contributed to, currently in the process of publication with the Journal of Endocrinology, and the highest possible rating as a Biology lab teacher are all evidence of my steadfast resolution to become a physician. What is more, I believe that the laboratory techniques and analytical skills required by my research in hypertension, as well as the public speaking skills I have acquired through teaching will ultimately make me into a more rounded physician.

In the words of Washington Irving, "Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated

derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. Great minds have purposes, little minds have wishes."

In a world driven by fierce economic and social competition, unselfish devotion and genuine compassion are becoming a rarity; I believe that the experiences of my life have taught me these character traits. With a firm commitment to the lives of others, my unwavering desire in life is to use my experiences and talents as a physician, that I might help bring physical and emotional healing to those in need.

"I will prepare, and some day my chance will come. " - Lincoln

Critique for the Edited Version.

Hi XXX,

Your essay is quite solid to begin with, and it has a lot of strengths.

First and foremost, you clearly indicate your burning desire to become a physician, something that medical schools do value. You lay out your case for admission in a straightforward

manner, and give some examples to back up your statements. You should be proud of your progress thus far.

There was some work to be done, however. Some of your sentences included fragments of other sentences, and a few were run-ons; these were re-worked to provide a better sentence flow. Your isolated spelling and punctuation errors were also corrected. On the larger scale, we focused your essay in two ways: by cutting some unnecessary or redundant sentences, and by adopting a clearer overall structure. As written, your essay included sentences that didn't add much power to your essay, and were very general or vague in meaning. For

example, we cut the sentence, "I believe that in order to be a 'complete' physician, one must be strongly motivated by both his mind and his heart." This sentiment is echoed more clearly in the rest of the work, and your references to the mind and the heart are better expressed when you discuss "the physical and emotional needs of the patient." The structure we created goes roughly like this: introduction discussing the genesis of your career ambitions, discussion of the emotional requirements of medicine, discussion of the intellectual issues involved, and a conclusion citing your dedication to medicine and to the study required of students in medical school.

We also specifically edited your language to better prepare the essay to be read by a

committee on admissions. In some areas, your wording seemed "overheated." For example, you twice used the phrase, "overwhelming desire." Although you clearly want to impress the committee with your desire to study medicine, you run the risk of "overwhelming" them in the process. When you write, "As I finished High School and entered college, and now Graduate School, every decision I have made has been centered around one goal…" the essay runs the risk of coming on too strong. Your goal should be to present yourself as a serious and committed applicant, while avoiding a "rabid" tone.

The edited essay reads quite well, but there is still something missing - you. The essay is called the AMCAS Personal Statement for a reason: it's time to get personal. Schools will read this essay to get an idea of who you are, not what you have done. Your

accomplishments are enumerated elsewhere in the AMCAS application. You ought to include more stories, more specifics about who you are, and about the people and events that have made you the person you feel you have become. For example, details about how you specifically helped your siblings would be great, as would a story about an elderly person whose life you improved.

A final note - your primary goal in filling out your applications should be to get an interview, not to convince an admissions committee that you're worthy of admission. You want to make them want to get to know you better, and to want to meet you in person. Keep this point in mind as you continue in the application process.

Edited Essay:

From the first day that I entered Mrs. Vandenburg's tenth grade Anatomy and Physiology class, I knew exactly which career I was destined for - the practice of medicine. During the first semester of class, I pored over every page of my textbook; I was fascinated and challenged by the structures and systems we dissected and discussed in class. Night after night, I stayed up memorizing the names of bones and muscles, systems and processes; I had an insatiable desire for knowledge. Eager to learn more about the medical profession, I read dozens of books and journal articles about the lives of physicians and the medical fields in which they serve. What I read convinced me that I am well suited to a career in medicine.

My unique family background first launched me toward a career in the service of

others. Growing up in a family with eight brothers and sisters, it seemed that someone always needed my help, either physically or emotionally. As a big brother to so many siblings, I learned that helping others in need is more than simply a career choice - I feel that it is my moral responsibility. Because I am able to help, I feel called to assist those in need. This has led me to serve my fellow students and citizens in many ways: as senior class president and a member of our student council, and as a volunteer in the community and at local

hospitals. Each week, despite my rigorous schedule of coursework and research, I have been able to help others by volunteering to cook and teach classes at the Wood County Center for Aging. The smiles from those I help and the wisdom that I gain from talking over lunch or playing pool with men from the Center reinforces my commitment to invest my time and energy in the lives of others.

I believe that a doctor's success is best measured by his ability to meet both the emotional and physical needs of his patients. Although compassion is a valued character trait, a doctor must commit himself fully to the pursuit of knowledge in order to provide the highest level of patient care. I have taken the physician's academic responsibilities quite seriously, and I have pursued a rigorous and challenging course of study.

Currently, I am attending graduate school at XXX University. My academic record at XXX clearly indicates my ability to excel at the study of graduate-level science. I have received a grade of A+ in every class I've taken, and I have contributed significantly to research on

hypertension, work that will soon be published in the Journal of Endocrinology. In addition, as a Biology lab teacher, my students have awarded me the highest rating given to instructors. I believe that through the teaching and learning experiences I have gained studying for my graduate degree, I am more prepared than ever to meet the rigorous academic challenges of medical school.

In the end, though, I believe that it will be my persistence and personal drive to study medicine that will assure me success in its practice. In the words of Washington Irving, "Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.

Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. Great minds have purposes, little minds have wishes." I intend to apply my determination to becoming a great physician, that I might help bring physical and emotional healing to those in need.

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